Wesley Must Not Die

by Douglas J. Bone   6 September 1989

This was to be a teaser in a parody I was writing, but a recent poster suggested this sort of thing, so I thought I would post it immediately, else "the flavor of the moment could be lost."

On the bridge of the Enterprise. Wesley in command.

Wesley:

Set parabolic course to avoid entering neutral zone.

Extra:

Course laid in sir.

Worf:

I'm picking up a distress signal.

Wesley:

On speakers.

Speakers:

... This is the Kobayashi Maru. Six days out of [garbled] we've struck a gravitic mine ... many injured ... life support failing ... can you assist us Enterprise? Can you assist us? ...

Wesley:

Data, data on Kobayashi Maru ...

Data:

The Kobayashi Maru is a freighter originally developed for the plot of Star Trek II. Vessel history is replete with failures, accidents, and crashes. It has frequently strayed into the Romulan neutral zone.

Wesley:

Plot course for Kobayashi Maru. Stand by all transporters. Sensors on maximum.

External shot of Enterprise.

Data:

We are now in violation of treaty.

Worf:

I've lost their signal.

Worf:

Three Romulan cruisers!

Wesley:

Tell them we are on a rescue mission ...

Worf:

Another ship astern ...

Data:

Ship is the USS Reliant.

Riker:

The Reliant, this close, in this quadrant, in the Neutral Zone, in the Kobayashi Maru scenario?

Worf:

They are not responding to our hail.

Wesley:

Could it be their Chambers coil is overloading their com system?

Data:

No, coil emissions are normal.

Data:

I'm getting a strange energy reading ...

Pulaski/Crusher:

It's the genesis wave ... he's on a build-up to detonation!

Wesley:

The genesis wave ... what's that?

Riker:

Don't insult your own intelligence, Wesley!

Worf:

A bolt of energy is coming in an ultra-warp speed ...

Wesley:

Send this ... This is Captain Wesley Crusher of the ...

Worf:

Incoming message from small, approaching craft. "My name is Nomad. You are not the creator. Prepare to die."

Data:

A fifth ship is on intercept course. Strangely generalized in design. No specific bridge, no specific engineering section ...

Guinan:

(On intercom) Bridge, this is Ten-Forward. Is anything strange going on?

Wesley:

Nothing out of the ordinary. Why? I don't remember your calling the bridge before.

Data:

Actually, your recollection is incorrect. Guinan called the bridge once right before Q abducted Picard and we encountered the Borg. As I recall, however, you were not in that episode.

Guinan:

It is probably nothing.

Troi:

AARRRRRGGHH!

Troi collapses onto the floor of the bridge. Riker rushes to her side. She recovers.

Riker:

What happened?

Troi:

I felt incredible feelings. It was as if a ship full of half Betazoids just got destroyed!

Extra:

There are no other ships in the vicinity.

Data:

An 11,000 mile long single-celled organism enveloped in negative energy has appeared astern.

Worf:

A shuttle is missing from Bay Two.

Q materializes on the bridge.

Q:

Are you certain you don't want me on your crew?

The Romulans open fire. The Reliant opens fire. The genesis device detonates. The Borg ship attacks. Nomad fires an energy bolt. The large single-celled thing envelopes the Enterprise. The planet killer from "The Doomsday Machine" appears and puts a tractor beam on the Enterprise. The special effects budget is depleted early on.

Q:

I think I'll be leaving ...

Q dematerializes.

Wesley:

Computer ... this isn't what I wanted.

Computer:

Please explain.

Wesley:

I wanted a command experience, not certain death.

Computer:

The scenario parameters must be consistent with the intent of the Kobayashi Maru simulation as ordered by the system administrator.

Wesley:

Override!

Computer:

Permission denied. Your override authority is not recognized.

Wesley:

Exit.

Computer:

Access to termination routine denied.

The scene reaches its climax. Everyone except Wesley dies. Just as Wesley is about to get zapped by a collapsing instrument panel, the smoke clears. The holodeck door opens. One tall figure, backlit, enters the holodeck. It speaks.

Admiral Roddenberry:

Lights. You destroyed the holodeck and the ship with it.

Wesley:

Permission to speak freely.

Admiral Roddenberry:

Of course. This is the 24th century.

Wesley:

This was not a fair test of my command ability.

Admiral Roddenberry:

Indeed not. The rest of the crew got out of hand. They reprogrammed your holodeck scenario. I had to step in personally when I found out the mortality failsafe had been overridden. After all, your character is quite important to the show demographics ...