Captain Wesley

by Jeff Trim   5 May 1989

Picard:

Star Date 144565.09. We are in orbit around Gamma-Bingulese VI, and we have established no contact with the civilization there. I am anxiously awaiting a script change so I can get on with this episode.

Enter Wesley - wearing his usual RAINBROW BRIGHT Costume.

Picard:

Ensign Crusher, WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRIDGE??

Wesley:

... uh ... I was planning on NAVIGATING the ship as ALWAYS Sir! You know if I WAS AN ADULT you wouldn't give me this kind of trouble all the time!!

Picard:

It's not because you're YOUNG, it's because you behave like a two year old! Act like a man and fly the ship for once!!

Wesley:

If you keep pushing me Picard I'm gonna pull rank on you!

Picard:

HA! A little IMP like you! You couldn't pull rank on me in twenty billion years!! If I could write these scripts I'd have you beamed on to an asteroid.

Wesley:

Okay Picard, that's it! Gene?

Gene:

Why, yes Wesley!

Wesley:

I want you to let me run the ship for once!!

Gene:

Okay, let me tell script writer Bob. YO BOB!

Bob:

I've already got the answer to this one Gene! Ready - ACTION!!

Yar:

Message from Star Fleet Command! Ensign Crusher gets immediate command!

Troi:

Oh pain, great pain ...

Yar is about to say something ...

Wesley:

DON'T SAY IT YAR! You only get one line per episode.

Yar:

Oh yeah, I forgot about that ... (realizing her mistake) oops, oh well, I guess I've said this weeks line! I guess I am picking my check up at the door now.

Gene:

That's right Yar, bye now!

Yar:

See you next week Gene!

Wesley:

Take Mr. Picard and his smiling "Number One" down to security and book 'em!

Picard:

(Realizing it's a choice of Fight or Surrender to the situation) Okay, I surrender!

Wesley:

I knew you would sir, bye now!

Data:

What are your orders (trying to keep from laughing), Captain Wesley?

Wesley:

Oh Boy ... weeeeeeee. Gee golly this is fun! What does that button do? I want to try the Photon Firing Controls, launch a couple of those Gravidic Mines!

Worf:

Okay, I'VE HAD IT. (Pulls out a Klingon Communicator) Beam me outta here Krudge!

Krudge:

Gladly Worf! Disengage Cloaking Device!

In front of Enterprise, a Shimmering Klingon Bird of Prey appears. At that same instance, Worf Beams Away!

Seconds later ...

Worf:

Worf to Enterprise.

Riker:

Worf, is that you?

Worf:

You betcha! On this ship I get to have more lines and I don't have to say stuff like "Oh gee Wesley you're such a GOD." It's great! Want to switch sides?

Riker:

SURE - count me in, anyone else?

Troi:

(looking at Wesley) ... uh ... yeah! Get me off this rust bucket!

Data:

Intriguing, we'd actually get more LINES! Count me in! Besides he took over MY NAVIGATION Station! I've wanted to get even for twenty episodes now!!

Picard:

You know after the 21st episode Wesley's shirt has really started to smell. ICK, I would just leave to get away from that!. Change your shirt for christsake!!! Put on some deodorant!!

They beam out, leaving Wesley alone on the bridge.

Wesley:

Aw gee ... (tears on his face) WAAAAAHH.

Gene:

Cheer up Wesley, you still have 3,100 other people to command.

Wesley:

Oh Yeah! That's right! All Kids between the ages of twelve and fifteen report to the bridge!

And so, we leave the TNG as it always is, with Wesley getting all the lines and all the kids having all the fun! But isn't that what Star Trek is all about? We don't need mature adults in space after all - Wesley can handle it!