VintoVardle

by Jonathan D. Trudel 23 April 1990

Setting: Planet VintoVardle VI

Robot:

Warning! Warning! Warning!!! Alien presence detected!!! Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!

Data:

I can not comprehend the action you are undertaking. Why is it that you find it necessary to flail your arms thusly (imitates the robot). The auditory warning that you are providing should be sufficient to ...

Dr. Smith:

Pipe down you Synthetic Simpleton! Even though he may be a bubbleheaded booby, my robot is perfectly capable of ...

A Ferengi commander stands up from behind a rock.

Ferengi:

(Shouts) Federation Personnel! Drop your Weapons!

Dr. Smith:

Oh no ... Oh William, we're DOOMED! Oh the pain ... oh the pain!!!

Riker:

(Grabs Smith) Oh shut up, you coward! Why I oughta ...

Will Robinson:

Excuse me, Sir. I think he means me.

Ferengi:

Enough of this petty human squabbling! I know you have found a Xybelium Crystal! (To Smith) Hand it over! Now!

Dr. Smith:

(To Ferengi) Excuse me. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Doctor Zachary Smith. I know where you would be able to find more of these lovely jewels ... for a price.

Sound of an electronic cymbal and a flash of light. Three people appear, as if teleported.

Blake:

(Into wrist) Vila. down and safe. (To everyone) Nobody move! We've got you covered!

From off camera:

I wouldn't count on that Blake! All of you!! Stay right where you are! Drop all weapons!

Several be-weaponed dark-suited soldiers appear. Servalan is among them.

Sevalan:

I knew it wouldn't take much to trick you into thinking this rock was worth something, Blake. It was just a matter of lying to the right people.

Avon:

I knew this smelled of the Federation.

Riker:

(Confused) Whatever do you mean, Federation?

Data:

Commander, I believe that he has detected something with his olfactory capability that reminds him of the Federation. I can not determine the source of such emanations.

Servalan:

Oh, Blake? We've found a few more friends of yours wandering about. Bring them here.

More guards escort in some new people.

Arthur:

Oh joy. More prisoners. So this is it, we're going to die.

Ford:

I wish you'd stop saying that.

Marvin:

Well, if all these people are here for my surprise party, don't bother. I predicted it with my brain the size of a planet years ago ...

Servalan:

Silence!!! (To Smith) Now, you! Give me the Crystal!

Smith starts to walk towards Servalan. Out of the sky a clumsy looking spaceship appears, and starts to land on the Federation Forces. Everyone else runs for cover. A moon is now in full view in the sky above the spaceship. The Federation soldiers are killed. An older man exits from the side of the ship and scans the horizon.

Commander Koenig:

Hello Alpha. This planet is too desolate and lifeless. We can't live here. Returning to base.

Koenig enters the ship, which blasts off and leaves.

Dr. Smith:

(Jumps up with a start) Oh boy! (Grabs his head, and looks for a mirror). Ok, who am I, and what do I have to do this time? (Stares into space) What Crystal? Oh this one ...

Everyone else emerges from behind rocks, and all survey the situation. They notice Smith talking to himself.

Riker:

Data, Grab him!

Riker, Data, the Ferengi, and Avon all run towards Smith. 'Smith' sees this, and starts to run. He doesn't get far before he trips. The Crystal flies out of his hands and collides with a rock. There is a flash as the Crystal explodes.

Dr. Smith:

Oh! Oh! My back. The Pain. William, help me up! My back! Help me up!

Ferengi:

We will meet again, HUMAN! (Teleports away)

John Robinson:

Will! Will! Doctor Smith!!!

John Robinson and Don West appear from behind other rocks, carrying lasers.

Will Robinson:

Dad! Over here!!! (Runs to Smith, and helps him up)

Don West:

Oh, it was Smith! (To Smith) I'm gonna wring your neck!

Riker:

No, me first!

Don West:

Look, I got first dibs.

More arguing. Avon joins in.

Fade to Black.

CREDITS and Music – 8 bars each of TNG, Lost In Space, Blake's Seven, Hitchhiker's Guide, Quantum Leap, and Space:1999