This page last updated 28 March 1999

The Same Old Stuff

by Scott McGuire (89SGM@WILLIAMS)
One of my friends just sent me this file he received from one of his friends (who wrote it himself, but wishes to remain nameless). I found it amusing because it mentions several things which have been discussed recently in STARTREK CSNOTICE, particularly note the bit about the sensors in the first few lines. And the guy who wrote this doesn't even read STARTREK CSNOTICE!
Spock:
Sir! I am scanning a cloud composed of an energy of a type (dramatic pause) NEVER BEFORE ENCOUNTERED. Good thing we designed our scanners to pick up even energies that we never even heard of before. Captain - the cloud is now 100 kilometres distant. Size ... OFF the SCALE (Dramatic twang). It must be pretty big considering we can tell how big stars are with these scanners.

The ship rocks. Everyone falls out of their chair, in different directions. Kirk executes a shoulder roll and brings his fists down in the small of Sulu's back, knocking him unconscious.

Checkov:
Keptin, our shields are down!!!
Kirk:
Scotty, what's happening?!?
Scotty's voice:
(sent through syntho-machine to make it sound like it's coming through an intercom). Well saair, haggis, clan, claymore, scotch, tartan.
Kirk:
Do we have phaser power?
Scotty:
A few shots saair. No, actually, I canna even gi' you tha'. We may have enough power ta do a few wheelies, tho', saair.
Kirk:
Damn it, Spock! You're the science officer - I need answers.
Uhura:
Receiving subspace transmissions, KKKaptain. It's in English by some bizarre freak of evolution!
Kirk:
Put it on audio.
Cloud:
I am the maga dog, maga dog.
Spock:
Some form of gaseous canine, captain.
Kirk:
(Hitting intercom). OK, I want all of my personal toadies in the conference room for a discussion. Unknown and inexperienced person with red shirt on, you have the helm.

In the conference room.

Kirk:
Okay, gentleman, I want some answers and I want them now.
Uhura:
Sir, I believe that if ...
Kirk:
I said "gentlemen". When I want your opinion I'll ask for it, mister.
McCoy:
What are you going to do Jim? Damn it, millions of lives blah blah blah you're obsessed blah blah blah I'm scared shitless blah blah blah I may just have to declare you unfit for command blah blah and anyway, why do we always call something we don't understand a "thing"?
Spock:
<Generic comment about McCoy's predilection for irrelevancy>.
McCoy:
Why you green-blooded inhuman blah blah blah mother was a librarian blah blah blah father was a computer blah blah blah why don't you just go back where you came from blah blah blah love the federation or leave it blah blah blah you've got pointy ears.
Spock:
<Sarcastic statement that makes McCoy's blood boil>. Captain, the problem is not simply a gaseous cloud, it is more of a profound statement about the real nature of problems.
Scotty:
But tha's impossible, aye it is Mr. Spock.
Spock:
Nevertheless, it is a fact, Mister Scott, a fact.
McCoy:
Would you listen to him? We're talking about universal Armageddon and he's spouting facts!!! (Falls on the floor and starts having an apoplectic fit).
Kirk:
Well, I'm the captain, so it's my decision. In this case I don't think that we need to fake a vote to come to a decision, so I won't have you all raise your hands like the good space-slaves you really are. I've decided that Mr. Spock here will try to mind meld with it.

Later on the bridge.

Spock:
When would you like me to attempt the mind meld sir?
Kirk:
We're going to do it at point blank range. (Thunderous crash of cymbals).
Sulu:
Point blank range, sir?
Kirk:
That's right. We'll get up real close, mind meld, maybe even plant a few antimatter bombs, and then back out the way we came.
Sulu:
Point blank NOW sir.
Spock:
Pain. The Chamber of the Ages. No kill I. George is getting bored of doing this so we'll just have to end it soon.
Checkov:
The alien ... it just exploded ... there's no trace of it left anywhere sir.
Spock:
Quite simple Mr. Checkov. It obviously blah blah blah 4th dimension blah blah blah trans-warp drive blah blah blah mind meld to the 5.8th power would have an incredible blah blah blah you stupid fools blah blah blah I'm so superior blah blah.
Kirk:
Mr. Sulu, lay in a course for ... oh what the hell ... the Romulan Neutral Zone. Those guys back at Starfleet are just a bunch of wimps - it's time to kick some ass.

Some pun or moral or something or other occurs here and the scene fades as we hear the words, "Hailing on all subspace frequencies KKKaptain" and "I'm a scientist, not an internal-combustion engine, Jim."

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