Across the River Styx

by Elizabeth Muncy, Russell Billings, Rob Miracle and David E. Brooks Jr 17 April 1989

The Enterprise is traveling though space at warp velocity. Pan in to the Leisure Bridge. Picard, Troi, Worf, the Good Looking Female Helms-Person (call her Ensign Oyl) and an unknown science/navigator are present.

Picard:

Personal log Stardate 45235.8. I have been thinking about the Charybdis, the old NASA ship that we discovered a few episodes ago. I read all of the Greek myths and found them silly, but quite amusing. It is amazing that a culture advanced enough to know that the Earth was 79 million miles from the Sun could believe such preposterous tales.

Ensign Oyl:

Captain, we will arrive at Gamma Scylla III to rendezvous with the Achilles in four days.

Picard:

Thank you Oyl.

Worf:

Sir, Dr. Pulaski reports that another medical officer will be used today as the previous one is missing again.

Pan to the Opening Credits, Picard's voice is dubbed over the soundtrack. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise, its ongoing mission, to explore strange recycled worlds, to seek out higher order civilizations, to boldly steal plots from other shows.

Picard:

(Aside) I wish they would fix Saturn ...

Ten Forward. Guinan(sp) and Riker are having one of THOSE conversations. In the background, ancient earth music is heard. The music is that of a group known as E.L.O, the tune is called "Turned to Stone".

Ryker:

You look awfully nice in that Color Purple, Gideon(sp). So you managed to figure out how to use that Singer?

Data:

(Flipping through a McCalls pattern book) And her results are better than mine ... Query: What is a 'thimble'?

Guinun:

(Wearing an especially elegant outfit, with a matching halo-hat, of course) What, this thing? It's just something I threw together; after that paper shredder got hold of my other dress ...

Troi enters Ten Forward and sees Riker making goo-goo eyes at Gnen(sp), again.

Troi:

I feel ... anger. No, it seems to be coming from me; I feel ... angry. (Her eyes become teary.) I sense that that woman is hiding something, and I intend to find out exactly what that something is.

Troi looks for Captain Picard; not seeing him, she goes to the bridge and then to the ready room.

Troi:

Captain, may I speak with you?

Picard:

Of course, Counselor. What seams to be the material, er, matter?

Troi:

I sense something wrong. I believe Guanin(sp) is hiding something. I sense that it is a danger to the ship. I would like permission to check it more closely. I would like to start by examining the shuttlecraft, Equis, Sir.

Picard:

Hmmm ... the shuttlecraft Equis. What is it?

Troi:

It's a small impulse powered personnel and cargo carrier, but that's not important right now. Sir, I tell you she is a danger!

Picard:

Are you sure that you aren't being jealous, Counselor?

Troi:

She has killed hundreds of people!

Picard:

Violently?

Troi:

In some ways, Sir.

Picard:

We cannot have violence in any form, or the Great Big Bird of the Galaxy may drop us a present.

Troi:

I don't understand, sir.

Picard:

(Slightly annoyed) The GR may pay us another visit.

Troi:

Surely you mean the Q being, don't you, Sir?

Picard:

(Seeming confused and a bit perturbed) You've given me hell enough, Troy. Very well, permission granted, and don't call me Shirley.

Troi:

(Under her breath) I will win yet!

Picard:

I really wish she'd get off her Trojan, er, high horse sometimes.

Troi exits.

Picard:

(Touches communicator) Picard to Engineering. What is the status of the warp engine inspection?

Voice:

Captain, Lieutenant LaForge here. The inspection is going fine, but we cannot seem to find Engineer Argyle. He went away for his coffee break three hours ago, and has not been seen since.

Picard:

Did you bother to ask the computer where he was, Mr. LaForge?

LaForge:

Yes, sir. That's the odd part. The computer says that he is not on the ship. This makes the third Engineer that we have lost in the last two weeks.

Picard:

(To himself) Could this be related to the problem in Sick Bay?

LaForge:

What was that sir?

Picard:

(Tries to hide his fear) I said have the backups been made yet?

Troi is in the shuttle bay, standing in front of the tractor beam and completely ignoring the warning signs.

Troi:

(To herself) The Shuttle Equis, U.S.S. Gorgon 09. Originally assigned to the U.S.S. Basilisk, she has always brought it with her. Let's see what is inside.

Panic is seen on Troi's face as we cut to a commercial.

Troi is still in shock as the camera pans to the cargo area of the shuttle. There stand a dozen or so perfectly intricate statues of people. Mostly they are of humans. There is one Vulcan female, and an exact replica of the Q being.

Troi:

(Softy, caresses her chest communicator) Captain, could you come to the shuttle bay please.

Picard:

On my way.

Troi continues to look over the statues. One has a striking resemblance to Engineer Argyle, and another of last weeks assistant medical officer. Picard enters.

Picard:

Have you tried Geordi's ride for Disneyverse, "The Turbo Lift"?

Troi:

Constantly. Sir look at this?

His eyes pan up and down her body.

Picard:

Amazing (then his eyes focus on the statues), what the ...

Troi:

They appear to be statues of selected crew members who have not been seen in recent shows. Sir. The concentration is mostly engineers and medics.

Picard:

Brutal. Are they alive?

Troi:

I feel some life, but it is minimal sir.

Picard:

What do you think happened?

Troi:

I feel that Gunian(sp) is involved sir, lets go to Ten Forward.

Picard:

We are still on duty Counselor. But maybe afterwards ...

Troi:

I am flattered sir, I meant to investigate.

They leave for 10 Forward.

Ten Forward. Gunienan(sp) and Ryker are getting really close and hot, the steam of their conversation and the chilling air from the environmental controls is creating a dense fog. Data is still reading his McCalls magazine, eyes wide with child-like intensity.

Troi:

There she is sir. Phaser her now before she gets away!

Picard:

I can't, the fog will disrupt the beam.

Troi:

I said phaser, not laser.

Picard:

Besides, she isn't guilty yet.

They walk over to Genian(sp) and Riker.

Qwenian(sp):

So Troi what brings you and the Captain to our neck of the woods?

Picard:

Huh?

Troi:

Colloquialism sir.

A small hissing noise can be heard in the background.

Troi:

There is something I wanted to speak to you about, Guonan(sp).

Guewnain(sp):

I was just talking to his wil ... er, to Willy.

Troi:

That is enough!!!

Troi in her burst of anger slaps Gununununian(sp) and her halo hat goes sailing across the room. The hissing noise increases as large snakes twist and twine on Gunions(sp) head. Ryker, Picard, and everyone but Troi and Data turn to stone.

Data:

Intriguing! Can you explain how the process works?

Troi:

(Rolling eyes) Do something Data!

Gunan(sp):

What pose would you like for all eternity, Troi?

Troi:

(Looking at Riker) He's never been that stiff in his life. (To Guniene(sp), making sure to not look) So this is what has been happening to our extras.

Jenian(sp):

Yessssssssssssssss (snakes hiss very loudly). When I curse all, my ship will take me home, with my prey.

Data:

Tricorder reading indicate that Commander Ryker and Captain Picard are quite brittle. It would appear that they are not that hard.

Ganaina(sp):

Of course they are brittle. I could not eat them if they were too hard. What do you think I am a Horta or something?

Data touches Riker, who falls apart.

Troi:

(Shaking her head in disgust) Just like Will, crumbles at the most inopportune time.

Data:

I need a napkin to clean up this mess.

Data looks and picks up a silver-like plate to see if it is under it. Instead of a napkin, there is a small red label which has Data's next line written on it. Meanwhile, Gunnnin(sp) is surprised as she sees her hideous self in the plate. She turns to stone.

Data:

Now just where did that napkin go?

Troi:

Data, you did it! You saved us. How can I ever repay you?

Troi plants a kiss on Data that would make most men die.

Data:

I am sorry Deanna, my one true love is gone. We may be able to save them, however.

They look at each other and simultaneously speak.

Both:

The transporter!

Camera shots of people across the whole ship being restored by the Transporter. The old engineers are unrecoverable, though.

Ryker:

I'm glad we're rid of the Medusa curse, but what are we going do to for a bartender now?

An old man from the engineering section steps forward, carrying a bottle of red-eye in one hand, and a magnetic wrench in the other.

Old man:

(In a Scottish Brogue) I be glad t'help in Ten Forward, sir. By the by, you wouldn't happen t'have a wee bit of whiskey, would you laddie?

Exuent.