This page last updated 7 December 2001

Springfield Files 2

by AgentmaritaC@aol.com
Voyager Meets The Simpson's, with some X-files
29 January 1988

Mulder:

Are you sure this is the right place? I mean … every one is yellow …

Scully:

Yes this is it … we are back in Springfield once more (Looking at the map) we have to find Homer Simpson … I think they live on Evergreen street or something. (Turns the map sideways) Make a left.

Mulder:

Left?

Scully:

Right.

Mulder:

Okay (Turns right)

Scully:

NO YOU IDIOT!

They crash into the town square statue of Jebidiah Springfield and his head falls off.

Mulder:

Oops …

Right next to the statue, Voyager has landed and a scout team is scanning every possible object. Scully and Mulder get out of their car.

Mulder:

Who are you?

Janeway:

I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of The Federation Star Ship Voyager.

Mulder:

That’s a very long name Captain Voyager.

Scully:

No her name is Captain Janeway … her space ship is the Federation Star Ship Voyager.

Mulder:

SPACE SHIP? SPACE SHIP!

Goes all nuts and runs into the space ship … literally and falls over.

Janeway:

Does he need special care?

Scully:

I wonder that my self sometimes. (Looks at her watch) Look I know Star Trek is a big hit here but don’t you think you have gone a little to far?

Tom:

What?

Scully:

You Know … The TV show … Star Trek Voyager? I mean costumes are one thing but actually pretending to live the lives of the characters and building a Star Ship is another.

Harry:

But this is a real Star ship!

Scully:

Sure … and I’m Gillian Anderson.

Takes out her cell phone and dials some one. She walks back towards the car and steps on Mulder.

Mulder:

OOF! (Remains laying on the ground)

Janeway:

Lets split up … Tom and B’Elanna you go that way … Chakotay and I will go that way … and Seven will baby-sit Harry while they walk that way.

Everyone:

Right.

Harry:

HA! I GET TO HAVE THE BABY!

Seven:

The only thing you have is a small …

Janeway:

SEVEN!

Seven:

Brain, I was going to say brain. Lets go Bobby Wets Him Self (Grabs Harry’s arm)

Harry:

THAT ONLY HAPPENED TWICE! (They walk off and so does the rest of the Voyager crew)

Team 1. Janeway and Chakotay walk into the Kwik-e-Mart and start to look around. Janeway scans the hotdogs

Apu:

Hey No inspecting the merchandise. Read the sign! 

Janeway:

I don’t see a sign … (Apu quickly scribbles on a piece of paper and tapes it to the Hot dog machine)

Apu:

Can I offer you a squishy?

Janeway:

A what?

Chakotay:

Uh … Word up Man … Since we are just two normal Earthlings on a DATE we sure will … that’s Bitchin!

Janeway:

What did you just say?

Apu:

Oh good, you can try my new Haggis squishy! You can really taste the haggis!

He hands them two. Janeway takes a taste and spits it out, Chakotay really likes his and he drinks his and then hers.

Chakotay:

How many earth dollars do we owe you?

Apu:

Five … (Then catches on that they might be from out of town) hundred.

Chakotay:

Here you go. (Hands him 5 hundred dollar bills that were replicated from the ship)

Janeway:

Don’t pay him! That haggis squishy was nasty!

Apu:

Get out of my store lady! Don’t make me get the broom! (He picks up a broom and starts poking her)

Janeway:

Okay! I’m leaving already! Come on Chakotay.

Chakotay:

One more Super Gulp Haggis Squishy Please.

He pays Apu and gets this GIANT Cup, like 40 ounces of Haggis squishy.

Janeway:

Ewww (Shudders)

Team 2

Tom:

Wow a real old-fashioned 20th century bar.

Moe:

Are you gonna buy something or just drool all over my cigarette machine?

Tom:

I’ll have uh … (Looks at the signs on the wall for local beer names) A Duff.

Moe:

And for the stunningly beautiful woman?

B’Elanna:

Water.

Barney:

WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS WATER!

Moe:

Just Calm down Barney … It’s okay … she was just joking … you know I don’t serve water here.

Barney breathes into a paper bag and calms down.

B’Elanna:

Sheesh!

Team 3. Seven has Harry on a leash. She pulls him into the comic book store.

Seven:

Excuse me do you know what time it is?

Comic Store Owner:

Yeah let me just check my invisible watch (Looks up from his comic book) Oh My God! My chain letter worked!

Seven:

So what time is it tubby?

Harry:

Can I buy an invisible watch? (Holds out 300 dollars)

Seven:

Down Harry!

CSO:

Seven of Nine and Harry Kim in my comic book store? I know now what I must do!

Team 1. Chakotay is eating his haggis squishy. They are back standing at the ship.

Janeway:

Well this was a nice shore leave, lets get the hell out of here!

Chakotay:

It’s only been 15 minutes. You told the crew to meet us back here in 3 hours!

Janeway:

Damn it! (Looks at Scully and Mulder who have fallen asleep in their car) Why are they still here? Oh well, after we leave we will just use the amnesia ray.

Chakotay:

You mean this amnesia ray? (Holds up a gun)

Janeway:

Right (Evil Laughter)

Team 2

Tom:

Well this beer tastes like shit. (He and B’Elanna get up to leave as some people walk in)

McNeil:

It’s so nice to go to a place where no one knows who you are.

Dawson:

Yeah I am so sick of those trekky freaks! (Tom, B’Elanna, Robert, and Roxanne’s meet)

Tom:

CLONES!

B’Elanna:

If they are clones then why doesn’t she have any ridges? (Pokes at Dawson’s forehead)

Dawson:

Cause I haven’t been to the make up trailer yet today! (She tries to pull B’Elanna’s ridges off of her forehead)

B’Elanna:

OW! (Punches Dawson in the nose) Lets get out of here Tom!

Tom:

God it turns me on when you do that!

Team 3.

Seven:

Let us out of here. This is wrongful imprisonment! (Tries to touch the bars of the cage but they shock her) OW!

Harry:

This is like being taught a lesson with out doing anything wrong! YAY!

Seven:

Shut up Harry! (Sits on the giant bird swing)

CSO:

Come one come all, see the amazing silicon babe and her pet wiener boy!

Harry:

My name is HARRY!

CSO:

Quiet you!

Team 1.

Janeway:

Hey look at that! (Points to a guy who looks exactly like Chakotay)

Chakotay:

Yeah and look at that! (Points to a woman who looks exactly like Captain Janeway) WOW SHE’S HOT!

Janeway:

SHE’S ME!

Chakotay:

Hold on a moment while I turn on my manly charm! (Rolls up his sleeves and burps)

Janeway:

Eww (Shudders)

Chakotay walks over to Kate Mulgrew.

Kate:

Who the hell are you?

Chakotay:

I’m the man of your dreams! (Kate slaps him)

Janeway:

HA! (Smiles)

Kate:

Damn Trekkies! God it’s just a show. You don’t have to dress like me.

Janeway:

Me dressing like you? And what’s just a show!

Kate:

Let me guess, you want my autograph, huh?

Janeway:

What do I need your autograph for? YOU ARE COPYING ME!

Kate:

Wow. It’s like looking into a mirror!

Janeway:

Yeah, an ugly mirror! (They start fighting)

Beltran:

I got 50 on the real Janeway!

Team 3.

Seven:

This is just stupid … wait. I have an idea! (She picks up Harry and throws him into the bars so they short circuit and the power goes out, when it comes back on there is only Harry in the cage and he is on the floor twitching)

Nerds:

Awww man! (they leave)

CSO:

Damn it! Well at least I still have the wiener boy.

Harry:

ATS ARRY! (Tongue hanging out of his mouth)

CSO:

Whatever!

Team 1. Tom and B’Elanna arrive back at the ship.

Tom:

Well, that was fun

B’Elanna:

Remind me again why we went to a local bar?

In Scully’s Car.

Scully:

Kate was supposed to be here an hour ago. Where is she? Mulder I think that maybe we should … Mulder? MULDER?

Looks up from her book and she See’s Mulder outside cheering on a fight between the Captain and Kate. She gets out of the car and breaks them up.

Janeway:

HEY! I COULD HAVE WON THAT!

Kate:

Hell naw. I would have kicked your scrawny little ass!

Chakotay holds Janeway back.

Tom:

AWW! (Holding a bucket of mud he was going to pour on them)

B’Elanna:

Tom, that is no appropriate! These are two adults! I swear to god sometimes I just don’t understand you! (Moves over to Kate) Did you hear that she called you a bitch!

Janeway and Kate pull away and start fighting again, Tom dumps the mud on them. B’Elanna slips a 20 to Beltran. 

Team 3. Just Seven Of Nine Now. She steps up to the school and looks at the sign out in front. It says: TODAY CAREER DAY TOMORROW ANTHRAX TESTING. She walks inside to see Homer on the floor and Lisa standing next to him.

Lisa:

Dad I told you those were ceramic fruits!

Homer:

But they were oh so delicious! (The EMT’S come and take Homer away)

Lisa:

Now what am I going to do for career day?

Bart:

Don’t sweat it Leese. I got a Wino! (He pulls Barney into the auditorium)

Seven:

Little Girl, I might be able to help.

Lisa:

Really, What do you do?

Seven:

I work on a Star Ship. I read Star Charts to help us get home, but God knows we are never gonna make it!

Lisa:

So you’re an astronaut?

Seven:

You could say that …

Lisa:

Come on then! (Pulls her into the auditorium)

At the Ship ... Kate and Janeway are sitting by the landing ramp having a beer, they are caked in dry Mud.

Kate:

That was fun. You totally kicked my ASS!

Beltran:

You guys really are the real thing!

Chakotay:

Yup. Wanna see the ship?

Beltran:

Do you have one of those holodeck things?

Chakotay:

Yeah, and you should really see my Janeway Program!

Janeway:

WHAT?

Chakotay:

I mean my Meditation Program!

Beltran:

Yeah … gotta love that meditation crap (They run inside)

Kate:

So are you really 50% Klingon? (Looking at B’Elanna)

B’Elanna:

Yup, and I can crush things too …

Tom:

So Kate, how about you and me … in a halted turbo lift?

Janeway:

So Tom, how about you and me … with my foot in your ass?

Kate:

OOO Shot DOWN!

Scully:

I don’t get it! This can’t possibly be REAL!

Mulder:

Oh come on Scully. You’ve seen stranger things!

Scully:

You mean like Michel Jackson in concert?

Mulder:

Exactly! And you believed that didn’t you?

Scully:

I guess you are right …

Janeway:

Has anyone seen Seven and Harry?

Tom:

No, Captain.

B’Elanna:

The last I saw of them they were headed towards the comic book store.

Kate:

Wow they actually call you captain?

Janeway:

They have to if they want to keep their nuts attached to their bodies.

Kate:

So, how about you and Chakotay, are you two …

Janeway:

Naw (Picking dried mud off of her uniform) I always thought he was gay.

Kate:

ME TOO! (Picking Mud out of her hair) Are you 4th season? I noticed the pony tail.

Janeway:

Not really, it’s just that the writer of this parody thinks I’m funnier with long hair.

Kate:

Well then, that would explain no Kes. She was a bitch anyway!

Janeway:

Tell me about it! She came back to the ship and tried to kill me!

Kate:

Wait a moment, so anything I act out as you comes true? So what do you guys do in between episodes?

Janeway:

Party, Go Nuts, Parodies … God you need to get some better writers on your show. Janeway needs to get LAID!

Scully:

So wait a minute, you’re saying that Gillian Anderson really plays me on TV?

Mulder:

Yeah. And that David Duchovny is one sexy BITCH!

Everyone looks at him.

Mulder:

or not …

Scully:

Well he is hot.

Mulder:

HELLO!

Scully:

What?

Janeway and Kate:

HELLO!

Scully:

Mulder is my partner! I can’t sleep with him!

B’Elanna:

Oh Come on! He looks exactly like David Duchovny!

Scully:

You guys have Duchovny in the 24th century?

Janeway:

Yeah he sold his soul to the Devil … A.K.A Tea Leoni.

Scully and Mulder nod.

Kate:

Can I see the Ship?

Janeway:

Sure! (They go inside the ship)

Meanwhile.

Bart:

... and that is Barney Gumble the Wino from Moe’s Tavern! (Everyone Claps)

Teacher:

Thank you, Bart, for that accurate but disturbing look into your future. (Looks at her clipboard) Lisa?

Lisa and Seven Of Nine go up onto the stage.

Seven:

I work on a Star Ship, any questions?

Everyone raises their hands. Seven points at Martin.

Martin:

Oh come on! A star ship isn’t REAL!

Seven reaches down and assimilates Martin. He screams and lays on the floor twitching.

Seven:

Any more questions? (Every one puts their hands down)

Lisa:

I brought Seven to prove that women can do anything if they put their mind to it!

Teacher:

Very good Lisa, you get an A! (Everyone claps nervously and Martin continues to twitch on the floor)

Back at the ship. Kate and Janeway walk out in new clothes and are mud free.

Kate:

I really need to get one of those sonic shower heads …

Janeway:

Hell yeah! Now you know how I get through all those lonely nights.

Tom:

I don’t have to listen to this! (Puts tissues in his ears)

Kate:

What an ass! How do you work with him?

Chakotay and Beltran walk off the ship

Beltran:

I have got to get me one of them holodecks!

Chakotay:

Now you know how I get through all those lonely nights! (They laugh and playfully punch each other)

B’Elanna:

Maybe Janeway and Chakotay should hook up!

Tom:

What about a push up bra? (B’Elanna slaps him and takes the tissues out of his ears)

B’Elanna:

I HATE YOU!

Tom:

I HATE YOU MORE! (They start making out)

Janeway:

Chakotay and I hook up? Hell no! Besides I already found some one! (Starts making out with Kate)

Chakotay:

Well I found some one too! (Starts to make out with Beltran)

Tom:

I KNEW HE WAS GAY!

B’Elanna:

DAMN IT! I mean … well as long as he’s happy.

Tom:

Didn’t you used to date him?

B’Elanna:

SHUT UP!

Beltran:

Why did you just kiss me?

Chakotay:

Just shut up and nod politely! (They smile and nod at every one)

Meanwhile.

Harry:

HELP HELP! I need HELP! (A guy in an orange jumpsuit walks in. He’s obviously the janitor)

Janitor:

You are obviously beyond help.

Harry:

My name is Harry, what’s your name?

Janitor:

Ray … Amnesia Ray.

Back at the Ship. A crowd has started to form around the ship of course.

Moe:

What do you think it is?

Lovejoy:

It’s obviously a sign from the Lord.

Helen:

WON"T SOME ONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Janeway:

We don’t want your children, hell we are trying to get rid of this one right here (Pushes Naomi forward)

Naomi:

HEY!

Kate:

QUIET YOU!

Janeway:

Thanks. (Smiles)

Scully:

Okay people, this can easily be explained.

Mulder:

Yes just look into my amnesia ray … (Pulls his gun)

Scully:

MULDER! (grabs the gun from him) Mulder, how about you explain it to them the normal way! (Looks at Janeway to hint that she should make her getaway. All the officers pile onto the ship … Kate sneaks on when no one is looking)

Tom:

What about Harry and Seven?

Janeway:

Screw them! Seven is just a ratings grabber …

Kate:

And Harry is just a stupid little wiener!

The ramp shuts. The ship takes off.

Scully:

And so you see … the ship taking off is just a weather balloon reflecting the light of Venus from the swamp gas that is rising over the nuclear power plant.

Moe:

LETS THROW STUFF AT IT!

They start throwing rocks at the ship but it makes a perfect getaway.

Elsewhere.

Harry:

I have to go potty!

Janitor:

You should have thought about that before we left!