This page last updated 31 January 2002

Smart Trek

by Ken Kaufman (kaufman@gmuvax2.gmu.edu)
6 October 1988

 

Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 8699+3i. We are approaching Starbase 11 for personnel transfer. Dr. Crusher will step off there en route to her new assignment, and we will be picking up her replacement, as well as a new chief security officer. Starfleet has also informed me that due to regulation 999897, all starships must now be equipped with bartenders, so we will be picking up one of them, too. It is essential that these transfers take effect smoothly, as we have to deliver a shipment of anabolic steroids to the Beta Olympae system within 72 hours.

Picard:

Number One, you, Troi and Data go to the transporters, and greet the newcomers.

Riker:

Aye, sir.

Picard:

And don't stop at that holodeck on the way down.

Worf:

We have a transmission from starbase. We are within transporter range.

Picard:

Energise.

Cut to transporter room.

Data:

Captain, we only beamed up two crew members; a male human named Doe, and a female whoopie named Isaac.

Picard:

(On intercom) That will be the doctor and the bartender. Where's that new security officer?

Cut to starbase corridor. Would-be security officer Smart is trying repeatedly to get into the transporter room there, but the power doors are not operating. He winds up with a bruised nose for his efforts.

Cut to transporter room. Picard has joined Data there, as Riker and Troi have taken Doe and Isaac to their quarters. Two bodies materialise on the transporter pads, one of which is recognisable as the new chief security officer. Smart steps forward and trips on the edge of the transporter platform.

Smart:

(From the floor) Lieutenant Smart, requesting permission to come aboard. (The other newcomer helps him up) Thank you Hymie.

Picard:

Permission granted. But who is this Hymie person?

Smart:

That is no person, sir. He is my personal robot, a humanoid ...

Data:

Most fascinating. A fully functional humanoid android, just like myself. Captain, with your permission ...

Picard:

Oh, very well, Data.

Data:

(Walking off with Hymie) You look like a most amazing construction. Would you mind shooting the breeze a little?

Hymie whips out a phaser, and melts the nearest air duct. Data looks confused for an instant, stifles a giggle, and the two androids exit.

Picard:

Allow me to show you around the ship.

They exit, fade out.

Fade to the rec-room/bar. Smart is relaxing there with a drink, while talking to Worf about old security tales.

Smart:

And so I punch the guy, and he barely flinches, and just as he's winding up for a crushing blow, I trip over the activation cord of my inflatable vest, and it blasts open, thrusting him out into the airlock.

Worf:

Well, once these Romulans suddenly appeared on the bridge of our ship, and ...

Wesley:

(Entering) Excuse me, sirs. Would you mind if I joined you?

Smart:

Sure, go right ahead.

Worf:

(To Smart) The boy should not be in here. He is too young, and it is past his bedtime.

Wesley:

Please. I was reading the restricted files on the computer again, and I saw the file on Lieutenant Smart, sir. Apparently, he's come up with a number of new ideas for security devices, and if he gave me some specific information on them, perhaps I could have them built by tomorrow.

Smart:

Certainly, uh ...

Wesley:

It's Wesley.

Smart:

Certainly, Itswesley, the first ...

Wesley:

No, my name's just Wesley.

Smart:

Sorry about that, Justwesley, as I was saying ...

Wesley:

Sir, with all due respect, my name is ...

Worf:

Shut up, Wesley!

Smart:

Then why didn't you say so, Shutupwesley? Now, if we were to install a network of clubs, gloves and nets, accessible by the bridge personnel, and then added some devices such as ...

Troi:

(On intercom) Attention, attention everyone, there will be shuffleboard on holodeck 3 in fifteen minutes. Shuffleboard on 3 in 15 minutes.

Smart:

Wait a minute! Shuffleboard on the holodeck? A bald captain? An obnoxious kid?

Wesley:

What obnoxious kid?

Smart:

Shut up, Shutupwesley! A black bartender? All we need is a doctor played by ... (rips off shoe and throws open communicator) Security! Security! This is Lieutenant Smart. Send a detachment to sick bay on the double. Security to sick bay.

Cut to Sickbay. "Dr. Doe" is working on something with his back to the camera, as Smart bursts in and overturns a tray full of vials. The doctor looks up, and gets a shocked expression on his face.

Smart:

Siegfried! I knew it! The game is up!

Siegfried:

You tink so, eh, Schmaut? (Pulls out a 24th century syringe, and injects Smart) You see, ve too have discovered der formula for immobilo. (Smart freezes, and is dragged off).

Cut to bridge.

Worf:

Captain, scanners indicate two unidentified vessels approaching.

Picard:

Open hailing frequencies. I want to know who they are and what they're doing in this sector.

Worf:

There's no response.

Picard:

LaForge?

LaForge:

Those show the spectral lines of Romulan ships, but they're a bit different.

Picard:

Different? In what way?

LaForge:

Remember those tail fins the Ferengi tried to sell us? I think they found a customer.

Picard:

They're still far out. Continue attempting to establish communication, and go to yellow alert.

Cut back to sick bay. Smart is strapped to an operating table.

Siegfried:

You see, Schmaut, vir haffn't been doing nuttink dese past 350 years. I am now der chief agent for KAOS.

Smart:

The international organisation of evil?

Siegfried:

Oh no, Schmaut. Dis ist new organisation. KAOS ... Kill And Obliterate Shtarfleet. Vir haf beamed up mein own scientific crew, und dey vill bringen der Enterprise to its knees!

Smart:

You'll never get away with this, Siegfried. My security team will be upon you in no time.

Siegfried:

Heh heh, dey vere die first victims! Vir haf added pigments to der material synthesisers, und dey are turning all of der uniforms ret.

Smart:

Red uniforms? That's inhuman! That's murder! That was legislated out half a century ago!

Siegfried:

Dat's right, Schmaut, und dat's how I'm going to take ofer der Enterprise. Und mit der Enterprise, all of Shtarfleet! Bot excuse me, Schmaut, I must do some more lab vork. (Exits).

Smart struggles, but a moment later Wesley enters, sees him, and releases him.

Wesley:

I just wanted to tell you that I set up the bridge as you requested.

Smart:

Thanks, I'd love to chat, but I have to get up to the bridge. (Runs out, and smacks into the door).

Fade to the bridge.

Picard:

Captain's log, stardate 8699 fourth roots of minus pi. We are not yet halfway to Beta Olympae, where millions will slump into piles of jelly if we can not get this shipment of anabolic steroids to them. Meanwhile, the Romulan ships continue to not answer our hailing messages. They have closed to within 500 terafurlongs of us.

There is the sound of knocking on the entrance to the bridge.

Picard:

Will somebody get that damn door? And why isn't it opening?

Riker steps to the turbolift door. It opens, and in walks Smart with a bandage on his nose.

Smart:

Captain, I must talk to you.

Picard:

What, Smart, and make it quick.

Smart:

This is highly important and secret. We'd better use the cone of silence.

Picard:

The what?

Smart:

The cone of silence, one of those security devices I had installed on the bridge. Push that lever on your chair to lower it. (It comes down. Picard is not amused) I have discovered that the new ship's doctor is an enemy spy.

Picard:

That's impossible. He's been Starfleet's best for years.

Smart:

Nonetheless, he has put some pigments into the material synthesisers which is turning all the uniforms red. My whole security team's already been wiped out.

Picard:

Ridiculous. Why, my uniform is, uh, red and Riker's, but Troi? Where is that woman when I need her? (No one who doesn't wear red is currently on the bridge) Hmmmm ... maybe we'll have a look at this after we deal with the Romulan ...

At this point, the ship is rocked by Romulan phaser fire.

Picard:

Shields up! Go to condition red!

Smart:

They can't hear you. The cone of silence.

Picard:

Then how do I get it up?

Smart:

Pull the switch the other way.

Picard:

(As the switch breaks off in his hand) It's stuck. And I can't get out. Can you squeeze out of there?

Smart:

I'll try. (He begins to squeeze out ...)

 

Riker:

Captain? Sir? Would you like us to do anything? ... I guess not.

The ship takes another direct hit.

LaForge:

Captain?

Picard:

Geordi? Speak up, I can't hear you.

LaForge:

What? I can't hear you!

Smart:

(Emerging) The Captain says to, uh ...

Riker:

Don't tell me you forgot.

Smart:

Yep, I forgot.

Riker:

I asked you not to tell me that.

Smart:

Don't worry, Chumley, I'll be back in a minute. (He heads back under. Another shot sends the crew bouncing, but it does not release the cone of silence).

Riker:

Chumley?

Data:

(Entering, wearing a flimsy red negligee) A fictional walrus, popular during the mid-20th century, who often ...

Riker:

Enough, Data.

Smart:

(Back under cone) What was it you wanted me to tell them?

Picard:

Don't tell me you forgot ...

Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We were somehow able to drive off the Romulans. I am now investigating the allegations about Dr. Doe and his would-be red dye factory.

Picard, Smart and Riker enter sickbay. Siegfried is there, tending to Wesley, who is strapped to the table and suffering from multiple contusions and lacerations. There is no sign of any immoral activity. It should be noted that for this scene, Siegfried completely drops his German accent.

Picard:

Ah, Dr. Doe, how is everything going here?

Siegfried:

Very well, Captain. The boy here had a nasty run-in with a bulkhead, but we may be able to get him patched up.

Wesley:

Mmmph uurgh gurgle gleep.

Smart:

Hold it, he may be trying to tell us something. (Bends over Wesley) What was it you were saying?

Wesley:

Bletch glmbfk fnord zool.

Picard:

What did he say, Smart?

Smart:

He asked me if I could get my elbow off of his stomach.

Picard:

That's enough, Lieutenant, I'm relieving you from duty. Please hand me your phaser.

Cut to bridge.

Troi:

Something is the matter. I sense fewer minds on the ship. And Geordi, what is that I'm sensing from you?

LaForge:

Well, you've got to admit, counsellor, you look extremely hot in red.

Data:

Perhaps I can get some information by logging onto the computer and having images flash at a few mega baud in front of my face. Computer? Please find all references to the colour red in titles of literature, music, art, and so forth.

Computer:

Working.

Cut to engineering. Smart has gained access to the engine room, and is about to open up the antimatter chamber. Chief Engineer MacWrite tries to detain him.

MacWrite:

You can't go in there! You'll be melted into a pile of neutrons.

Smart:

Nonsense. You see? (Opens the chamber. MacWrite melts into a pile of neutrons) Agent 13, you down there?

Agent 13:

Over here, Max, and let me tell you, I'm getting one heck of a tan.

Smart:

Never mind that. Siegfried's taken over the ship, and we need to find his laboratory, so that we can deal with him. Furthermore, we need a way to deal with him. Any thoughts?

Agent 13:

You could try teaching him phenomenology.

Smart:

Phenomenology?

Agent 13:

Yeah, great stuff. If you can get him to believe he exists, you can get him to prove it by exploding. Or if you can make him think he doesn't exist, he'll disappear in a puff of logic.

Smart:

But how to get to him?

Agent 13:

Secret door in bulkhead, right behind the human skeleton.

Smart:

Of course, the old secret lab behind the skeleton trick! Thanks a lot, 13.

Agent 13:

Oh, Max, one thing.

Smart:

Yes?

Agent 13:

Could you get me a glass of water? It's a bit hot in here.

Cut back to Data on bridge. Images flash by at breakneck speed. Among the ones seen are The Red Badge of Courage, A Study in Scarlet, A Pictorial History of the Cincinnati Reds, The Crimson Permanent Assurance, The Colour Red, The Beatles' Red Album, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Red Fish, The Reds Brothers, Red Like Me, and Snow Red.

Data:

Fascinating ... even the computer seems to be contaminated.

Voices start coming over the intercom.

Voice 1:

Ensign Harriman to bridge. I'm on Holodeck 5, trying to take my holoferrari for a joyride, and I've been stuck at a red light for 15 minutes.

Voice 2:

Lieutenant Chomsky to bridge. I ordered lunch, and instead of what I ordered, I got tomato soup, fruit punch, cherries and horseradish.

Picard's Voice:

This is the captain speaking. We are going to condition red.

Back to the sick bay. Smart enters to confront Siegfried.

Smart:

Siegfried, do you or don't you think you exist?

Siegfried:

Of course I exist, Schmaut. Vot in ze vorld are you tokking about?

Smart:

Listen to me. How do you know you really exist?

Siegfried:

I hef no time for silly games. Right now, mein men are invading der bridge. (Opens communicator) How iss it going?

Cut to bridge, where an all-out battle is going on between Siegfried's men and the bridge crew. It is a fairly even battle, with a possible slight advantage for the bad guys. Over the intercom, Siegfried's voice can be heard barking out instructions. Suddenly, a new voice interjects, as Smart has apparently pulled the communicator away.

Smart:

Geordi, pull on your left armrest!

LaForge does, and a net comes down on his head. The battle continues. At one point, one of Siegfried's men steps right in front of Picard, but a boxing glove comes out of the console and bops him senseless. Then someone trips the sleep gas switch, and the whole bridge goes unconscious.

Cut back to sickbay, Smart and Siegfried struggling. The door opens, and four gold-clad security people enter and level phasers at Siegfried.

Security #1:

Surrender, Siegfried.

Siegfried:

(Putting hands up) But dis iss impossible ... you vear golt, not ret.

Smart:

Exactly. That's how we were able to turn the tables on you.

Siegfried:

But I don't understand. Vere could dey hef gotten tose golt uniforms?

Smart:

Listen closely. (All pause for a moment).

Siegfried:

I don't hear a ting.

Smart:

Precisely. This ship is using a Midas Muffler. My men simply got their uniforms midasised.

Cut to bridge.

Picard:

Captain's log. The shipment to Beta Olympae is progressing successfully. We will be soon able to take a relaxing trip to Starbase 11 for a new ship's doctor.

Voice on intercom:

Bridge, this is transporter room. Everything's been beamed down.

Picard:

Thank you, Ensign. LaForge, take us out of here. Warp 1.

LaForge:

Ahead warp 1.

Cut momentarily to exterior special effect.

Picard:

What do you say we all go to the new rec room, and paint the ship red?

Data and Hymie enter, each wearing painter's outfits, and carrying a brush and a can of red paint. They proceed to start painting the entire bridge, as the credits are shown.