This page last updated 27 February 2000

Skin of Evil

by Brian Harrison (tfbw45c@prodigy.com)
2 May 1995

Scene: Ten Forward. Troi and Riker are talking.

Troi:

"Deanna's Skin Care and Denture Cream" has just reached the market on Talmar 8.

Riker:

I'm very happy for you! This will definitely out sell your action figure.

Troi:

Yes, the action toy didn't have half the sexual appeal that I have. They made the breasts on that bitch way too small!

Riker:

(Staring at Deanna's breasts) Tell me about it!

Guinan:

(Cuts in) Would you like some more of that Romulan Ginger Ale, Commander Riker?

Riker:

No, I think I'm doing fine.

Guinan:

Is there something wrong? You normally love Romulan Ginger Ale.

Riker:

I just don't feel like any more.

Guinan:

You know you can tell me anything. My species are natural born listeners ...

Troi:

Listen here Guinan, I'm the ships counsellor and if you keep on giving people advice the only reason they'll have to come to me is to drool over my large sumptuous breasts - something you'll never know anything about.

Guinan:

Well, at least I don't resort to merchandising, you slut.

Troi:

Oh yeah. I saw your face on that bottle of "Guinan's Feminine Rinse - For Those Times When You're Not So Fresh."

Guinan:

Why you little floozy!

An old western style bar room brawl begins now. Guinan punches Troi. Troi pulls Guinan's hat down over her head. Guinan trips and falls over the bar. Riker breaks a bottle of synthahol over Guinan's head. Riker gets thrown onto a table. In the background chairs are flying everywhere. A commander runs by with an ensign in a headlock. Just then the two large doors at the entrance to Ten Forward swing open, in the western style. We see two boots with spurs walking in. They walk up to the bar. The camera pans up and we see that the person standing there is Captain Picard.

Picard:

(Shouts to Troi over the background fighting noise) Counsellor,  I was just riding my horse on the holodeck when I got orders from Deep Space 67. They are in delicate negotiations with the Romulans right now, and they need your help.

Troi:

What are the negotiations about?

Picard:

Well, it seems the Romulans think egg shells are most delicate, but the Federation thinks Carnival glass is far superior in delicacy.

Troi:

Ahh, very delicate indeed.

Picard:

Yes. They've requested you especially for this mission. You have orders to take a shuttlecraft to the planet Yarisgonnagetkilled 12 where a greeting party will meet you. I'll send an ensign with you to pilot the craft.

Troi:

Wouldn't it be easier to transport over, Captain?

Picard:

No.

Troi:

May I ask why not, sir?

Picard:

Because it's not in the script. And rewrites take ten days to go through. We don't have the time.

Troi:

I understand. (To Riker, who is punching men with one hand while watching Troi) I'm going on a short mission. Don't worry, I'll see you tonight.

Riker:

Okay. (He goes back to fighting).

Picard and Troi exit Ten Forward. As they start to walk down the corridor we see a man's face pushed up against the glass pane in the doors they've just exited.

Scene: Shuttle Bay. Despite it's enormous size there is only one shuttlecraft in the Shuttle Bay. Troi meets up with and a handsome young ensign and the two walk towards a small craft. Troi walks right up to it and bashes her face into it's side.

Director:

Cut! What was that?

Troi:

The cue-card said "walk into shuttlecraft"!

Director:

(Hits his hand on his head, and says to no one in particular) This is what I get for hiring someone I found on a street corner. (To Deanna) No honey, the cue card meant to walk into the shuttlecraft THROUGH THE DOOR.

Troi:

Oh. I think I can do better next time.

Director:

Let's hope so. Go to the opening sequence!

Opening credits. Space, the final frontier. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal - and to seek out new life and tell really bad jokes, and ... umm, never mind.

Scene: The Bridge

Picard:

Will, what's the status of the shuttlecraft?

Riker:

It's still in the shuttle bay, sir.

Picard:

(Embarrassed) Oh, I knew that.

Riker:

Yar, what is the name of that shuttlecraft anyway?

Yar:

"Crashandburn" I believe, sir.

Riker nods.

Data:

The craft is now departing sir. We are receiving a hail from them.

Picard:

Open a channel, Mr. Data.

Data:

(Presses a few buttons, Matlock appears on the screen) This is my favourite episode! Matlock forgets to take his Geritol, and goes senile while defending an innocent woman accused of killing her husband, and then they fry her ...

Picard:

ENOUGH! Not that kind of channel Mr. Data.

Data:

Sorry sir.

Picard:

Well ... open a channel

Data:

We seem to have lost the hail.

Picard:

ARGH!

Scene: The Shuttlecraft

Troi:

(To ensign) Do you know why they selected me for this mission? Data is much more well-versed in these proceedings.

Ensign:

I have no idea ma'am.

Troi:

Ma'am? Why, that's so impersonal. You can just call me Troi. (She moves closer to the young ensign).

Scene: The Bridge

Picard:

Have they reached their destination yet?

Yar:

No, they have to go around that planet first.

Riker:

Oh, you mean the one with that big "DO NOT EVEN COME NEAR THIS PLANET" sign hovering above it?

Yar:

Yup.

Picard:

Maybe we should warn them. Data, hail the shuttlecraft.

Data:

But ... Matlock.

Picard:

Just do it!

A Nike representative walks over to Picard and hands him $10,000.

Riker:

You got a product placement job! Shoot! I wan ...

He is interrupted by a massive explosion. Everyone on the bridge turns to Yar, who is manning the weapons.

Yar:

(Looks embarrassed) He SAID "shoot"!

Picard:

(To Data) What did Ms. Trigger-finger hit?

Data:

The shuttlecraft, sir.

Yar:

Oops.

Scene: The Shuttlecraft

Troi:

So how'd you like to move up in the world, ensign?

All of a sudden the whole ship starts to rock. Sparks come flying out of all of the ships orifices. Troi's luggage falls out of its compartment, condoms spill out everywhere.

Troi:

Aiyeeeeeeeee

Ensign:

Aiyeeeeeeeee

Scene: The Bridge

Picard:

Hail the shuttlecraft, Mr. Data, PLEASE.

Data:

(Reluctantly) Okay.

Picard:

On screen. (Stands, walks toward screen. On it we see the interior of the shuttlecraft. It looks pretty well beaten. The ensign is laying on the floor unconscious, and Troi is bending over him). Counsellor, are you okay?

Troi:

What? Oh, Captain, how are you ...

Picard:

Well that's kind of why we contacted you.

Troi:

Oh, yeah, we had a little problem. I think the ensign here pressed a wrong button or something. It definitely wasn't because the two of us were making out or anything, because if that's what you're thinking ...

Picard:

What?!? No ... It seems Lieutenant Yar here accidentally shot you.

Yar:

Sorry.

Troi:

Oh, that's okay.

Data:

Counsellor Troi, are you able to leave the shuttlecraft?

Troi:

I don't think so. The dooahmahicky in front of the escape hatch fell over and I think it's blocking our exit.

Data:

Oh, well, I feel it may be important that I tell you; your ship is leaking Malleable Anti-Coolant Matter Spatter (TM), and it will explode in fifteen minutes.

Troi:

WHAT?!?

Picard:

That's rather unfortunate.

Riker:

We have a serious problem here! I've been gone for three scenes without any lines!! If this keeps up viewers will forget all about me and I'll have to do something drastic like grow a beard or something.

Geordi:

(Enters bridge) You think that's bad, I haven't had any lines at all! This isn't the first time either. Just because I'm not a vital character doesn't mean I can be used on a writers every whim!

Picard:

Okay you two, you want lines, then you both can go on an away mission to the planet. Take Yar with you too, and make sure she doesn't shoot anything!

Riker:

Aye, sir

Geordi:

Aye, sir.

Yar:

Aye, sir.

Pirate:

Aye, sir.

Picard:

Shut Up!

Scene: The Planet. The away team materialises.

Riker:

Eww, gross, this entire place is covered with sticky white stuff!

Yar:

(To Geordi) That's not the first time he's uttered those words.

They both laugh. Riker growls.

Geordi:

We'd better get going. That shuttlecraft is going to explode in ten minutes, and we have to get Troi out.

The team moves toward the shuttlecraft when suddenly a large humanoid figure comes out of the white liquid.

Large Humanoid Figure:

Halt! I will not let anyone go beyond this point.

Riker:

Why?

LHF:

Because.

Riker:

That's no answer.

LHF:

Because I say so.

Riker:

That's better.

Geordi:

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to let us through.

LHF:

Why?

Geordi:

Because, we have crew members in that ship who need our attention badly.

LHF:

I know.

Geordi:

Then why did you ask?

LHF:

Because.

Yar:

(To Riker) Can I kill it?

Riker:

Maybe later.

LHF:

One of the people in there is Deanna Troi.

Riker:

How do you know?

LHF:

Because I hate her. She is the person I hate most in the world and I want to see her dead.

Riker:

You and about 2,000 others.

Troi:

(From inside shuttlecraft) Shut Up!

Geordi:

What did she do to you?

LHF:

You see this white stuff all around me?

Riker, Yar, Geordi:

Yes.

LHF:

Well ... do you recognise it?

Riker, Yar, Geordi:

Ummm, No.

LHF:

It's "Deanna's Skin Care and Denture Cream"!

Riker, Yar, Geordi:

Gasp!

LHF:

Yes. I used a little too much, and look what it turned me into. And now I shall have my revenge.

Riker:

Wait, how did you know she would be crashing here?

LHF:

I read the script.

Riker:

Ohh.

Yar:

I'm sorry, Mr. what ever your name is, but we only have 5 minutes until that ship is going to blow up, and we have to save Deanna.

LHF:

Well, you're not going to.

Yar:

Yes I am.

LHF:

No, you're not.

Yar:

Yes I am.

LHF:

No, you're not.

Melissa Etheridge:

Yes I am.

All:

Shut up.

Melissa:

Sorry.

Yar:

Where were we?

LHF:

Ummm.

Suddenly, without warning the shuttlecraft explodes.

Yar:

Ooops. I guess we got carried away.

Riker:

Oh well.

Geordi:

Guess we'd better head back to the ship.

Yar:

It's been nice talking to you, Mr. what ever your name is.

LHF:

Bye, don't forget to write.

The crew beams up. As soon as their images fade off the screen Troi's body falls from the sky and lands on the ground where the party just stood.

Scene: The Bridge.

Picard:

Any luck?

Riker:

Nope.

Picard:

Oh well, maybe next time.

Data:

There is one peculiar thing however. My script says that Yar is supposed to be the one killed.

Yar:

Me? I knew my character was boring, but come on. They wouldn't do that.

Picard:

(Picks up his copy of the script). Yes, it says here that Yar dies.

Yar:

Noooo. I'll be more interesting, really. I've got to be more interesting than that Wesley kid.

All:

Agreed.

Riker:

It says here that Denise Crosby wants to pursue an acting career.

Yar:

Her? Act? PLEASE! I don't even know how she got the role playing me!

Data:

Still, the fact remains that you will die. It is just a matter of how.

Troi:

(Enters the bridge) I can answer that. You see, I died and went to heaven, but after making out with God I got in real good with him. Then I asked him for a favour, and ended up back in Ten Forward before Picard asked me on the mission. Next, I got Tasha to sit in my seat and I went to hide in the closet. Viola!

All applaud.

Yar:

Croak! (A huge vortex opens in the ceiling and Yar is sucked out).

All:

Bye! Good luck, you'll need it.

Troi:

Now, If you don't mind, I have to go settle a score with Guinan. (Exits).

Announcer:

And so things returned to normal on the Enterprise. Troi severely incapacitated Guinan, Geordi got more lines, and Data saw Matlock again. Denise Crosby's movie career failed, and she made a pact with God to get back on the show, but that's another story.