The Seven Doctors

by Harvey Newstrom  10 June 1989

The big E is seen orbiting under a double planet. One of the planets has incredibly large rings on three separate planes. The other planet has 38 satellites, one of which makes a ninety-degree turn while we watch. In the background, solar flares are melting nearby galaxies ...

Voice of Picard:

Captain's log, Superficial. I have called a meeting to discuss recent problems in the performance of my chief medical officer. She has apparently made disturbing decisions affecting the lives of my crew and my ship. I am considering having her replaced by the lesser of two evils. On a more personal note, Wesley misses his mother.

View switches to conference room where stars are passing the window at warp speed. Occasionally one of the rainbow-colored streaks hits the window and bounces off ... In the conference room are Picard looking serious, Riker smirking, Troi with her hands folded in her lap, a semi-snarling Worf, the recently promoted Admiral Geordi, Data looking intrigued and smoking a pipe, and a determined looking Dr. Pulaski

Picard:

I have summoned you all here to get your opinions on the disturbing developments with our chief medical officer.

Troi:

(Reading from a paper clasped in her hands in her lap...) I feel distrust. I feel rejection, jealousy, anger, hatred ...

Worf:

(Snarls and takes paper from Troi) Let me see that. Hmmm. It's a resignation letter from Dr. Pulaski. (Hands to Data to pass down to Picard)

Data:

(Looks at paper) It is indeed a letter of resignation from the good doctor. It is written in her own handwriting. She has signed it herself. The ink is from a late model Scriptwriter invented by the Pentel corporation of Rigel III by a scientist named ...

Picard:

Enough Data. Have someone read it to me Number One.

Riker:

Can you read this, Geordi?

Geordi:

I can try. (Reading) I feel distrust. I feel rejection, jealousy, anger, hatred ...

Picard:

I think we get the picture, Mr. La Forge.

Data:

I believe you are mistaken. It is not Geordi who feels distrust, rejection, jealousy, anger, hatred, but rather the doctor whose incompetence has led her to produce compensatory feelings of protection for the purpose of ...

Pulaski:

Captain, I do not feel I have to sit here while this, this machine evaluates my life as a space opera. I feel that I have every right to resign in the light of the fact that you are planning to replace me by the head of Star Fleet Medical, no less.

Picard:

While it is true that I plan for Dr. Crusher to return to the Enterprise, I have nothing personal against you, you understand. It is just that I think the chemistry was better with Dr. Crusher.

Pulaski:

Damn it, Jean-Luc, I'm a doctor, not a chemist!

Picard:

Be that as it may, I have already made my decision. Haven't I, Number One?

Riker:

You have sir.

Picard:

Good, now that that's settled, I would like to retire to Ten Forward for some much-needed relaxation.

Scene switches to Ten Forward. Guinan, with her hair done as Whoopie's Fontaine character, is at one of the large windows with her hand held up like she is clutching an invisible ball. She is using some unknown force to redirect some of the satellites that are coming too close to the ship. Picard sits at a table, followed by Data, Riker, and Worf).

Riker:

(Smirks and raises eyebrows at Guinan) How about some service?

Guinan:

(Smiles very warmly) You got it.

Worf:

(Orders harsh-sounding Klingon names)

Riker:

I'll have the same, only more Krischgloct.

Guinan:

(Nods, writing on a waitress tablet)

Picard:

Tea ... Hot ... Black ...

Guinan:

(Frowns angrily and walks behind the bar to get a cup of tea. She slops it down in front of Picard) Tea ... Hot ..., Whitey. (To Riker) Yours will be out in a minute.

Data:

Inquiry.

Picard:

(Raises hand "just so") Engage.

Data:

What specific problems were noted with Dr. Pulaski's performance parameters?

Riker:

When she brought the genetically-altered youth on board last week when his progenitors were suffering from an aging-related disease, she insisted that it would be entirely safe for the ship.

Work:

(Growls) It was not. Had I not forbidden her to expose the ship we all would have died of old age. What a horrible way to die.

Picard:

If memory serves, it was I who forbade the examination of the youth. Although it was actually my inability to work well with children that precluded such an arrangement.

Riker:

It was only by using the transporter that we were able to bring her back from old age.

Picard:

Correct, Number One. What puzzles me now, is how I can obtain a temporary replacement while waiting six months for Dr. Crusher's shuttle craft to reach our present position all the way from Earth.

Worf:

Shuttle craft? Why not just use the transporter with a galaxy-wide scan?

Riker:

Dr. Crusher doesn't trust the transporter Worf. Something about her Hippocratic oath precluding destruction, albeit recreation of life.

Worf:

(Mumbles) Hmf. These doctors ...

Data:

Query.

Picard:

Make it so, commander Data.

Data:

If we could bring back Dr. Pulaski from the brink of old age using the transporter, could we not perform the identical task on another Doctoral subject?

Riker:

(Scowls) Meaning?

Data:

Would it not be possible to take the old Admiral McCoy out of storage and use the same transporter technique that revived Dr. Pulaski on him to restore him to a more productive state?

Picard:

Ahh, and obtain the real McCoy, as it were. Quite possible, Data, but why so much interest in reviving the dead, lately? You resuscitated the three frozen refugees from old Earth, you rescued that little girl from near-death when her planet threatened to blow up, and now the Admiral-Doctor McCoy.

Riker:

(Smirk) Sir, I think Data's intimate relations with a certain security officer, who shall remain nameless, may play a role here.

Worf:

(Snarls at Data) You told!

Data:

I, did not. (Blinks at Riker and Picard)

Riker and Picard look at each other and then at Data and Worf.

Data:

(Looks back and forth at them) I am fully functional.

Riker:

(Not smirking) Worf, I thought you didn't care for humans in that way.

Worf:

What I said was: Earth females are so ... "fragile."

Riker:

Gack!

Guinan:

No, Gok. (Places a bowl of Klingon serpent-worms in front of Riker)

Scene shifts to turbo-lift, where Wesley is already aboard and Captain Picard is just stepping in.

Picard:

Transporter Room.

Computer:

Please be more specific with your request.

Picard:

Whaaa???

Wesley:

It wants to know to which transporter room to take you. We have over a dozen different transporter rooms on the Enterprise. Without telling the computer which one you want, it has no way of making a determination.

Picard:

(To computer) Where is Commander Riker?

Computer:

Commander Riker is in transporter room 6.

Picard:

Good. Take me there.

Turbo-lift starts to move. Briefly we see a scene where people are banging on the outside of a turbo-lift door wondering why it is taking so long to arrive. Then the scene returns to the turbo-lift.

Wesley:

Captain Picard?

Picard:

(Takes a deep breath) Yes, Wesley?

Wesley:

Can I ask you a question?

Picard:

(Frowns) If you must ...

Wesley:

How did you lose your virginity? I mean, when was it and how did it happen? That is, if you're not still a ... well, you know ...

Picard:

(Rolls eyes in disgust) Wesley! These infernal questions have got to stop. You really have no business delving into other people's personal lives.

Wesley:

Gosh. I mean, well, if my expertise and exploits with women threaten you so much, I mean, maybe you should talk to Counselor Troi.

Turbo lift door opens. Picard stomps out; Wesley is following him.

Picard:

(To himself) If only I had let your father die before he sired such an offspring as you! If, indeed, you are your father's child.

Scene shifts to the transporter room where Riker, Data, Geordi and Worf are all crowded behind the transporter console. O'Brien is off to the side tapping his foot, half angry and half bored, being left out of the transporter process. Picard and Wesley join the crowd behind the console.

Picard:

I take it, then, that we are all agreed to use a galaxy-wide scan to beam the doctor to the Enterprise?

Riker:

Agreed. No ethical doctor would willingly use the transporter, so our only means of quickly obtaining a doctor is through involuntary, ship-to-ship beaming.

Worf:

I will handle security in case the doctor gets hostile.

O'Brien:

(Loudly to himself) I didn't agree.

Worf:

(Growls)

Picard:

You were outvoted, officer O'Brien.

O'Brien taps his foot, pretending not to hear.

Geordi:

Galaxy-wide transport is a very tricky matter. If we don't operate the controls precisely in the correct milliseconds required, then we can just say goodbye to the doctor. Such a delicate operation cannot be performed by just anybody.

O'Brien sighs loudly. Th others ignore him.

Wesley:

I'll do it.

Picard:

No, Wes. Perhaps we should let Commander Data perform this delicate task. Is that agreeable with you, Data?

Data:

Actually, it would be more efficient to have the computer itself operate the controls, rather than feeding the readouts to this panel and waiting for a human operator to initiate the proper sequencing. In fact, its rather silly to ever use a human operator, when the computer is much more in control of the situation.

O'Brien stomps out angrily.

Picard:

Make it so, Commander Data.

Data presses a single button on the control panel.

Data:

I've programmed the computer to take our voice input as the operating parameters and to perform the necessary galaxy-wide scanning, taking into account the DNA records of the medical log for an exact DNA match. This should provide the Enterprise with its Chief Medical Officer regardless of current location or condition.

Riker:

Ready, Geordi?

Geordi:

Ready as I'll ever be.

Picard:

(Dramatic pause) Engage! (The others look at him) I mean, (dramatic pause) Energize!

Geordi:

O.K., computer. Bring the Enterprise medical officer home!

Long difficult beaming processes begins. After some flashing, it becomes apparent that seven separate images are materializing. After appropriate difficulty in forming, all seven images solidify. Two of the persons drop down, obviously having been dead for many years. Slightly recognizable, these are Dr. Mark Piper who served under Captain Pike and Dr. "Bones" Boyce who served in the earliest episodes under Kirk. The five remaining standing are: An aged Admiral-Doctor McCoy, an equally aged Dr. Chapel who served McCoy as a nurse and later as a Doctor under Commander Decker as the Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise, Dr. Kate Pulaski, Dr. Beverly Crusher, and the half vulcan and/or Romulan doctor from the Schizoid Man episode.

Data:

Geordi, It would appear that this is just another instance of where your inability to be precise has prompted the computer to perform some random action.

Geordi:

(Mouth open, staring straight ahead) Thanks, Data. I noticed.

Picard:

Didn't you learn anything from Moriarty?

Riker:

I told you not to give anymore ambiguous directions to the computer.

Worf:

Grrr!

Pulaski:

(Pointing toward group and transporter panel) Captain Picard! You used that infernal machine again!

Data:

(Guilty) Actually, it was my idea ...

Pulaski:

Not now Data! (To Picard) You could have told me you wanted to speak to me; a simple intercom call would have sufficed.

Data:

... although I don't feel used by any sense of the word ...

Crusher:

Not now Data! (To Picard) Jean-Luc, you had no right to transport me here without permission! I was in the middle of a very delicate operation.

Data:

We did actually vote on the idea ...

McCoy:

(Slowly stepping off the transporter platform, one step at a time, because of his age) NOT NOW!!!, you IN-human, COLD-hearted, METAL- minded, OIL-blooded machine!

Picard:

It would seem that we have seven medical officers to contend with.

Data:

Actually, there are five. The two remaining on the transporter platform are not viable.

Chapel points a small device at Data and shuts him off by remote-control. He crumples to the floor.

Riker:

(To Picard) There's only one way out of this, sir.

Picard:

You're absolutely right, Number One. (He steps to computer panel on wall) Computer, arm auto-destruct sequence.

Computer:

Auto-destruct sequence engaged.

Riker:

Negative! No! Not! Nay! Nix! Nill! Null! Nah! Nope! No way! No dice! No how! ...

Picard:

(Surprised) Just what are you trying to say, Number One?

Riker:

(Turns a knob on the corner of the computer panel, and the whole unit powers off. He whispers to Picard) I'm saying that we should have a meeting, and talk this out like we always do. We'll just sit back and let the problem resolve itself, with no pressure on our part. (He is nodding, like trying to convince a child to concede)

Picard:

(Whispers to Riker) You're absolutely right. (To the shut-off computer panel) Disregard that last order. (To everyone else) Everyone to the briefing room where you will each be debriefed.

Wesley giggles.

Scene switches to corridor where the group is walking toward a turbo-lift. McCoy is using a tricorder to examine Picard's bald head ...

McCoy:

We can cure this, you know. A friend of mine uses Hypergrow-66. It turns the hair jet-black, but it grows.

They all squeeze into the turbo-lift except the vulcan/romulan doctor.

Picard:

(To the doctor outside) You may return to whatever it was you were doing. (And as the door shuts) And turn on Commander Data!

Riker:

Conference room!

Computer:

Please state which one.

All together:

Picard:

One.

Riker:

Two.

Geordi:

Three.

McCoy:

Four.

Chapel:

Four.

Crusher:

Five.

Pulaski:

Six.

Wesley:

Nine.

Worf:

Growl.

The turbo-lift lurches and stops.

McCoy:

I knew these damn things weren't safe.

Pulaski:

I told my personnel not to use them.

Picard:

Computer! This is Captain Picard. Take us to conference room ONE!

Computer:

Program cannot be overridden.

Pulaski:

We're all going to suffocate in here if we don't get those doors open in three minutes.

Crusher:

Wesley, can you do anything?

Wesley:

(Crosses arms, turns toward wall, pouts) Mom! I'm not a kid anymore! I can't just save you guys every time you get into trouble!

Worf:

(Eyes widening in anger, raises arms above his head) Aaarrrrggggghhhh!

Wesley covers his head and ducks down. Worf breaks through the doors into the corridor. Scene dissolves.

Scene shifts to Data's quarters. The female doctor is helping a disoriented Data to his bed. She pushes a life-size, blow-up Yar-doll off the bed and helps Data sit down.

Scene switches to a conference room. Picard is pacing behind the others who are seated at a table. Beverly Crusher is the only one watching Picard, having to turn alternately to the left and the right to look behind herself as he paces.

Picard:

.. so you see, Beverly, we must be absolutely sure that you were not infected by one of the conspiracy-creatures. We must be absolutely certain that your judgment is not being impaired by any outside influence.

Crusher:

My judgment! Now look here, Jean-Luc. You have no room to talk, one who had his will taken over by a Ferengi mind-control device, or who got taken over by an alien energy creature who goes off gallivanting across God-knows-where, only to return to say "I'm the real Picard".

Pulaski:

And then there's the time that you came back through time with the shuttle craft and there were two of you. I'm still not convinced that we returned the correct one of you.

Riker:

It my job to make sure that the captain acts in a reasonable, rational manner. (He smirks and then recovers) Had there been any inconsistencies, I would have duly reported it.

Crusher:

(Sarcastically) Right, you who got enveloped by a glob of pure evil and comes out hours later saying "I'm normal." Or how about the time you merged with the Q and gave god-like gifts to each of us. Do you know that my son, Wesley, has not stopped thinking about sex ever since you temporarily turned him into a post-puberty, hormone-ridden adult?

Riker smirks and looks at Wesley. Wesley blushes and looks down at table.

Geordi:

But certainly Commander Data, being an android, would be able to detect an alien influence in any of the crew members and properly report it?

Pulaski:

But Commander Data himself was taken over by an ego-driven immortalist searching for eternal life.

Crusher slightly raises a hand with just the thumb, index and middle fingers outstretched and whispers "To Life Immortal!" to herself before continuing.

Crusher:

(Now in full "gossip" mode with Pulaski, putting her had on Pulaski's arm) And they probably didn't tell you that Data got replaced by his evil twin brother, Lore, who was indistinguishable from Commander Data. It was only the genius of my own son that managed to save this ship and everyone aboard it.

Pulaski:

(Looking shocked at the others) I had no idea.

Wesley:

Mom! I don't do that kind of stuff anymore.

McCoy:

Well, this is all well and good, but as I understand it, you can use the transporter machine of yours and make Doctors such as myself young again. Now I'm no fan of the transporter, but I do have an obligation to my patients. And if I can get restored back to my former state, why, there would be no reason for me not to continue with my original duties here aboard the Enterprise.

Geordi:

Well, it's certainly possible.

Pulaski:

Doctor McCoy! If you think, for one minute, that I would allow a McCoy to take charge of medicine on the Enterprise, you are sadly mistaken.

McCoy:

Dr. Pulaski What seems to be the problem here? We are both ethical Doctors here, one with a just a little bit more seniority over the other. You could serve me as a nurse. Why, I had Dr. Chapel here serve me for almost a decade before she started practicing medicine in her own right.

Pulaski:

"Pulaski" is my married name, doctor. "Hatfield" is my maiden name. I've waited a good many years for you to grow old and childless, and I'll not have you rejuvenated just to start the McCoy line all over again!

McCoy:

Hatfield! Good God, woman. I thought we wiped out your kind long ago!

Riker:

Doctors, doctors. Please, can we have a truce here?

McCoy:

Good God, man. Do you know what you're saying? Do you realize how long this feud's gone on? Why, my great-great-great-great- grandfather was fighting Hatfields back when they were still sewing up patients with goddamn cat gut!

Picard:

(Meekly) I do wish you would not use Mr. Roddenberry's name in vain like that.

McCoy:

Like what?

Scene fades out as argument rages on. Fade in to transporter room. O'Brien sticks his head in. When he sees that it is empty, he sighs and smiles. He saunters casually towards his usual position when he notices the computer panel on the wall is turned off.

O'Brien:

What the ... ??? (He switches on the power to the panel)

Computer:

... three ... two ... one ...

Outside, the Enterprise can be seen exploding in multiple, dramatic explosions. One particularly large piece heads toward the camera, and the scene fades to black.