Robotrek

by Kenneth G. Haynes 23 June 1990

Opening Teaser: The Big E and the Borg cube face off as in the end of The Best of Both Worlds

Riker:

Mr. Worf, (burp) Fire!

Worf:

Sir, it is not the Klingon way to kill one's Captain without provocation. He must tick me off first.

Riker:

I don't care about your stupid traditions! Fire the #@$ weapon before the producers decide to bring Q in.

Q:

You rang?

Data:

Commander, I calculate a 95% chance that the Borg will destroy the Enterprise if we do not fire within 4.146 seconds. May I suggest that we do something? Perhaps run?

Riker:

No, Mr. Data. This must be finished now. Besides, I can BE the Captain, and Shelby can be my slutty First Officer! Ha Ha Ha!!! Fire, Mr. Worf.

Open Title Sequence: New music playing in background that contains a march type rhythm with sweeping brass and string riffs. We see Earth in a desperate struggle against the Borg who are trying to convert Earth into the Ultimate Hotel/Resort Vacation spot. Cue RoboCaptain

Picard monologue:

Space, the Final Hope for Man. These are the adventures of RoboCap, his never ending mission, to protect the rights of innocent humans, to uphold the laws of Earth, to boldly stand for truth, justice, and the Federation way!

Act I

Data:

Sir, I am picking up low levels of MemoLanceage Radiation, curious.

Wesley:

It's Captain Picard, Sir!!! That radiation is being detected in a pattern that closely resembles that of the iambic pentameter used in Act III scene 2 of Shakespeare's Hamlet!!!!! I believe he is trying to communicate with us! I could be able to convert the Ship's ...

Shelby:

Ensign!!!! SHUT UP!!!

Riker:

Thank you, (burp) Commander, that is one thing I think we finally agree on. Lets go to bed.

Shelby:

Thought you'd never ask, Big Boy!

Troi:

Ahem! I do believe the Ensign is correct, Will. We must try to communicate to the Captain. I can feel his confusion and disorientation ...

Riker:

Thank you, Counselor, I will keep that in mind. Time for a conference ... that is what the Captain would do after all. Troi, Worf, Data, Geordi, Shelby, Doctor please meet me in the conference room. Mr. Crusher ... on second thought ... Ensign Gomez, report to the Bridge, you're in charge.

Wesley:

But ssssiiirrrr!

Geordi:

Not now, Wes. You have to score BIG, like me before you can take center seat. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky with Gomez?!

Wes:

OoooKay.

ACT II: We return to the Borg ship to see Picard playing with his new Borgified parts. We dive into the new improved personal log:

Picard:

Record On

Audio and Video Only

Captain's Personal Log Stardate unknown

Location: Borg Ship, Sector 176, quadrant 4

From some error on the part of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, he has been integrated into the Borg society. Much of him still remains in this body and is constantly struggling to be set free.

I have been programmed with 4 directives:

1- Never speak with a French accent or mispronounce "schedule."

2- Uphold all rules, laws, regulations, statutes, ordinances, mandates, and maxims.

3- Protect the Prime Directive.

4- Classified.

Accessing Classified ... no access ... Prime Directive accessing ... Federation, ship, Stargazer!

Yikes, what happened to me!?! It is all become very clear what has occurred over the last few days and what has happened to me. Apparently the 4th directive wasn't programmed by the Borg, but by myself while undergoing the Borgification process. Fortunately, this managed to get my self-identity back.

Picard finds a radiation emissions panel and quickly programs in a repeating iambic pattern to signal the Enterprise.

Picard:

There, Will can pick that up easily ... assuming he isn't stuffing his face again. Lets see what I can do with all this neato Borg stuff.

We spend a few minutes watching Picard discover his new abilities ... An ultra accurate Power Laser beam next to his right temple ... complete shielding and sensor technology ... and imbedded in his right leg, a Colt .45 caliber fully automatic pistol.

Picard:

Go ahead, Borg, Make my day. Dead or alive you're not going to Earth.

Cut back to the briefing room of the Big E. Riker sits at the head of the table pigging out on an Apple Cobbler. Troi, Geordi, Data, Shelby and Worf are seated about the table and Dr. Crusher is pacing frantically.

Dr.:

Ohhh poor Jean-Luc! What are we going to do! I ... I never got to tell him ... that I love him!! (cries)

Troi:

Doctor, your feelings are very jumbled right now. Please sit down and shut up so I can keep Will from going to bed with Shelby.

Data:

If the Captain is still the Captain, then he could prove very useful. But if the Captain is not the Captain, but is pretending to be the Captain, we could be in a world of hurt. On the other hand if the Captain isn't the Captain, the real Captain could be struggling against the effects of Borgification to ...

Geordi:

Shut up, Data. Here, play with this Rubik's cube.

Data:

Fascinating.

Worf:

I recommend that we beam an entire Company of Security Personnel to destroy the Neural control points ... that way, I can growl and make savage noises.

Shelby:

I agree.

Geordi:

If we fail, then we could put ourselves and the Captain in jeopardy. The last thing we need is Alex Trebec telling us we lost Final Jeopardy.

Shelby:

I agree.

Data:

Alex Trebec ... Final Jeopardy ...

Troi:

The Captain is in control of his body now. Unlike some other people I know. (Riker burps) He may be able to destroy the Borg from the inside.

Shelby:

I agree.

Dr.:

No! No! No! We must rescue him and reverse the process, so that I can marry him and race off to Niagara Falls ...

Riker:

What would the Captain do? ... Ahh yes, we ... we send a minimal away team back over and sit here and do nothing. Questions? Good lets go.

Shelby, Worf, and Data materialize aboard the Borg ship amidst explosions and smoke.

Shelby:

What in the ...

Worf:

This way Commander, there is a battle!!! Finally, a chance to bleed and growl. A chance to be a Warrior!!

Data:

The Borg seem to be having some internal difficulties. They can not work collectively, so the ship remains damaged.

The Party moves closer and can hear the mechanized voice of Picard.

Picard:

Freeze Turkey! Reach for the stars! Eat Photons, metal head.

The Away Team waits until the fierce fighting is over until confronting the once peaceful Captain.

Shelby:

Captain Picard, are you Okay?

Picard:

Of course. How can I assist you?

Data:

Do you know us? Can you remember us, the Enterprise? Have you had a memory loss? Did the Borg do something to prevent you from recall ...

Picard:

Accessing. Data, Lt. Commander of the Enterprise. Worf, Lt. Chief Security. Shelby, conniving wench.

Worf:

Sir, you fought most honorably. You usually run away.

Picard:

Yes, Worf. This Borgification has changed me. I am no longer the frail little Frenchman ... I am RoboCap. Come, I have destroyed all but one Borg. He is called the Controller. He controls the power distribution for the ship.

The team follow RoboCap to the center of the ship and are led into a huge room with control panels and status displays covering the walls and ceiling.

Controller:

Borg had its doubts that the conversion would work. Too much Vulcan logic in your thoughts.

RoboCap:

But I managed to break your grasp. Now you ship is useless. You will come with us to the nearest penal colony for 36 violations of Federation Policy.

Data:

Sir, I doubt anything the Federation has will hold ...

RoboCap:

Who said anything about holding him?

Controller:

You are still foolish, human. Your 4th directive states that if you break any of the directives, you will be destroyed. Your Prime Directive prevents you from destroying any society that is not part of the Federation. And The Borg will no longer exist if you destroy me.

Picard starts to overload and begins to shake violently. He struggles to suppress the thought of killing the Controller.

Controller:

Borg will continue. Borg will return to Earth. Borg is better.

Picard tries to crawl away but can't. Data, Worf and Shelby watch helplessly until Data & Shelby confer.

Data:

Captain, Controller, Because there are three field grade officers present, we hereby grant you temporary Federation membership.

RoboCap rises to his feet as the 4th directive dissolves.

RoboCap:

What do think you looking at, Butthead? (Grabs pistol and destroys the Controller) Temporary membership revoked.

Break back to the Big E which is just finishing off destroying the Borg Cube. RoboCap walks onto the bridge with a new shiny silver uniform.

Riker, Troi, and Shelby:

Welcome back, sir!

RoboCap:

Thank you. Shelby, get off my ship.

Riker:

Sir, can't we extend a little visitation rights (burp) to the Commander. She did help out an awful lot. Besides, I haven't tried out those leather whips yet.

Troi:

I agree, Sir. Commander Riker has burned off at least 40 pounds since she's been on board. It will improve the image of the Bridge.

RoboCap:

Agreed. I feel like having fun. Ensign, set course for the neutral zone, warp six.

Wes:

Yes, Sir!

Riker and Worf glance at each other in an astonished look of surprise.

RoboCap:

Engage!

We see the Big E zoom off into the star set and we can still hear some voices ...

Data:

Sir, isn't going into the neutral zone a violation of Starfleet Regulation 34.25 ...

Bridge Crew:

Data, Shut up.