This page last updated 28 March 1999

Enterprise flying by.

Picard Voice: Captain’s log, stardate 8999.9. The Enterprise has found a planet which is remarkably like old Earth in the 1990’s. We are sending an away team to investigate.

Riker, Data, LaForge beam down.

Riker: Data, report.

Data: This is by all indications Earth, commander. It would seem we are in a coastal city, perhaps a university.

Riker: Keep alert, men. I don’t want us being separated. (As this is said, LaForge is knocked out and kidnapped by token alien)

Data: Sir, where has LaForge gone?

Riker: (Looks around) Damn! I’ll question this female, maybe she knows where he is. (Walks off screen)

 

Data looks after Riker, then winces. Riker comes flying back on screen.

Data: Sir, are you all right?

Riker: I think so. That female didn’t know where LaForge was, so I just asked her if she can do an Elle Rio impression. I guess not. (hits communicator) Riker to Enterprise, two to beam up.

On the bridge.

Picard: Riker, where has LaForge gone?

Riker: I don’t know, sir.

Picard: Wesley, can you explain this?

Wesley: Nnnno, sir, I mean I was only trying my latest experiment, when ...

Picard: Spit it out, you snot! what did you do?

Wesley: Wwwwell, I made this bad alien generator, see. And I tried it out on the away team. I turned it up, to make an alien with no morals and who would kill at the drop of a hat. I didn’t think it would do any harm.

Picard: No harm! You fool! Without LaForge, who will hook up the playboy channel! (Jumps up and starts choking Wesley.)

Data: Sir, I do not think what you are doing is very considerate.

Picard: Sorry, here. (hands Wes over to Data, who smacks him across the bridge. Riker and assorted crew get in line behind him.) I think we should have a search party. (Hits communicator) All hands, beam down to the planet and start to look for LaForge.

The crew drop Wesley’s body and shuffle out to beam to the planet.

Picard voice: Captain’s log, stardate 10. The Enterprise is empty, except for Wesley’s rotting corpse. The rest of the crew is on the planet, looking for LaForge. (As log plays, shots of people looking in garbage bins, under papers, any place far too small to hide a person.)

Picard and Riker and Data are standing in a group, with two expendable ensigns.

Picard: Where was LaForge when he was kidnapped?

Riker: (points) Over there, sir.

Picard: Ensign, examine the site for anything out of the ordinary.

Ensign 1: Ok. (walks over to the site, and token alien jumps out and rips his head off)

Picard: Jesus! Good thing I sent one of you! (gesturing to other expendable ensign.)

Data: Sir, we should follow the alien, it may take us to where it put LaForge.

Picard: Make it so. Good luck. (turns to leave.)

Riker: Oh, no! you’re coming, too! (grabs Picard and drags him after token alien. Data, and the last ensign follow.)

Picard: No! I can’t go! I have a job to do! I’ve got a major head waxing appointment at nine! (gets dragged off screen)

Cut to alien, coming around corner, and the others follow him. As they watch, he beams up someplace.

Picard: Data! where did he go?

Data: Sir, sensors show that there is another ship in orbit. It appears to be deserted.

Picard: Suggestions.

Riker: We can beam over to the other ship. It might make sense that that’s where LaForge is being held.

Picard: (nods) Agreed, number one. (hits communicator) Computer, beam us to the other ship in orbit around this planet.

On the other ship Data, Picard, Riker and Ensign #2 appear.

Riker: Lets look around for LaForge.

Picard: Data, what do your sensors show?

Data: I am picking up LaForge’s communicator. It is twenty metres in this direction. (points, and leads them all to a door.) I believe he is in this room, sir.

Picard: Ensign, check out the room.

Ensign: Ummm, Ok. (Walks into the room, then screams. When the others run in, there is only his communicator, tricorder, etc.)

Picard: This place isn’t safe number one. I’m returning to the Enterprise and leaving you in charge.

Riker: Yes, sir (after he beams up) What a boob. Data, let’s check the room, phasers on ‘mild tingling sensation.’

Data: Sir?

Riker: Sorry. Phasers on kill.

As they walk into the room, Data looks at the camera.

Data: At last! ACTION!

LaForge is there listening to a Walkman. Data and Riker walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder. He sees them and starts to straighten up.

Riker: LaForge, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you call for help?

LaForge: Sir, they were playing Public Enemy. I just won’t leave until it’s done.

Data: Geordi, you can take this sound device with you, back to the Enterprise.

LaForge: Oh yeah! OK, let’s go! (they all beam back to the enterprise)

 

On the bridge…

Picard: Good to have you back, LaForge. (whispers to Riker) Commander, dock him the pay for the time he was missing.

Riker: (Nodding) Yes sir.

Picard: Now, let’s find out about that ship. Mr. Worf, hail them.

Worf: Sir. They are hailing US!

Picard: On screen.

Ferengi: You will all die! (slurps) hahahahaha! Live long and cross-dress! (screen goes blank)

Data: Sir, the other ship is powering up her weapons and locking onto us.

Picard: Their intentions seem hostile. BRIEFING!

Riker: (Looks surprised) NOW?! he’s about to kill us!

Picard: Save that for the conference, number one (Ship is hit). Whoa! let’s go, everyone!

In the briefing room.

Picard: (As the ship shakes) Suggestions?

Riker: How about fighting back?!

Picard: That sounds good. Vote?

LaForge voice: Sir, this is LaForge in engineering! We can’t take much more of this!

Picard: (Hits communicator) LaForge, would you like us to raise shields?

LaForge: (Warp core in background) YES!

Picard: OK.

Worf: How about shooting back? (ship rocks from another hit)

Picard: Don’t you think that’s a little hasty?

Riker: Sir, just repeat after me. "You’re in charge,number one!"

Picard: (with some trouble) You’re in charge, number one?

Everyone at the table gets excited.

Riker: All right! Worf, kill those space dinks!

Worf: Yes! (does some sort of triumphant gesture)

 

Back on the bridge.

Worf: Sir, the enemy ship is crippled.

Riker: Good. Hail them.

Onscreen, Ferengi appears.

Ferengi: Ooooohhhh! You wascawy guys! I surrender!

LaForge: You can’t surrender! You kidnapped me! You held me prisoner! We can’t let you get away!

Ferengi: But we had that music you liked so much!

LaForge: Oh, yeah. Well, I guess we can let you go…

Bridge crew: NOT!

Shot of the Enterprise firing and destroying the Ferengi ship.

Picard: (Off in corner) Well, that’s that.

Riker: Recommend we go to our next assignment.

Picard: Make it so. Ensign, set course for Earth.

Ensign: Course set, sir.

Picard: Enga…(lights go out) Number one, what’s wrong?

Riker: Has anyone seen Wesley?

 

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