Old Trek Meets New Trek

by Jeff Trim 5 May 1989

Picard:

Star Date Unknown - The Enterprise has just come out of Warp speed from an apparent "accident" with our Warp Engines. I sent CMD Riker down to Engineering to find out what happened

Riker:

(On Communicator) Captain, Ensign Wesley was playing with the warp drive controls again - shall we toss him in the brig?

Picard:

Oh no Number One - You know that ever since that Alien in the Last Outpost told me to encourage his learning I have let him play with every control system on the ship! Hehehe, poor kid was simply having fun. I think that even though he placed 3,100 human lives in danger we can let this pass as usual, right Riker?

Riker:

Of course Sir - well just do the usual "naughty little child" speech and send him down to Transporter Control so he can dinker with that. Riker out.

Picard:

Hehehe - Kids today, always getting in to trouble don't they? Reminds me when I was ...

Troi:

CAPTAIN! Shouldn't you be thinking up a way to get us out of here?

Picard:

Oh yes your quite right ... okay so where are we Data?

Data:

Approximately 25 years before our show went on Television Sir. In the days of the Free Speech Movement, Vietnam, Food for peace, The Cuban Missile Crisis, Civil Rights, Protesting, Drug Experimenting, The Beetles, Woodstock ...

Picard:

JUST THE FACTS DATA.

Data:

Well to put it simply we have travelled back in time Sir. Back to the days when GOD ... er I mean ... Gene Roddenberry first started writing these scripts ... you know back in the dark times.

Picard:

Yes Data I know of it - Worf, Yar what do the scanners show?

Worf:

Captain unidentified craft is approaching us. It is registered as - CAPTAIN! The U.S.S. Enterprise!

Picard:

NO! You mean the original ship with all of it's flaws and mistakes that we were created to improve upon? You mean the mould for which 90% of our series has copied line for line, story for story?

Worf:

Yes Sir, and it is pulling into orbit around us captain.

Picard:

Well then I guess it's time to do the all famous, completely over used, everyone give a suggestion to the captain scene.

Yar:

We should take 5 hostages from their ship and torture them until ...

Picard:

Thanx, Yar - anyone else?

Worf:

I say we fight to the last man and self destruct the ship.

Riker, of course, never says anything.

Yar:

Captain - communication from the other Enterprise.

Picard:

Put it on Visual Yar.

The screen clears and Kirk is on viewer - Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Spock are in the background.

Kirk:

This is the USS Enterprise calling unidentified ship, can you read me?

Picard:

Enterprise, this is the USS Enterprise of your future. My name is Captain Picard. I want you to know that I surr ...

Troi:

NO! Captain you DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

Picard:

Ah, yes ... er I invite you over here to see what your future looks like. We are from the year 1987 - Where Gene is given a new job after 25 years and gets to recreate a New Generation of Star Trek. Enterprise, we are the Next Generation!

Spock:

Captain, he referred to Gene Roddenberry. I believe he was the one that got all of us into this mess. I believe that he might be telling the truth.

Kirk:

Commander Enterprise - Prepare to receive us

In the Transporter Room. Kirk materializes with Spock, McCoy and Scotty.

Picard:

Welcome to the Enterprise Captain Kirk, my name is Picard.

Kirk:

Hello Mr. Picard, this is my first officer Mr. Spock, Chief Medical officer McCoy and Engineer Mr. Scott

Scott:

(Sees Worf) A Klingon! (Pulls his phaser) I canna believe it. How'd this nasty little beastie get on 'er ship? Captain I knew this was a Klingon trap.

Kirk:

Easy Scotty, lets let Picard explain to us about this - Captain?

Picard:

Well ... um ... ah - you see, Gene decided that there would be this new alien in 1987 and it would be named the Ferengi ... and uh ... we would pretend like all the aggressions of the past didn't happen and we are all friends now and there is no real explanation ... uh ...

Kirk:

I see. You mean to tell me that we have to be friends!!! After all I've gone through - and now Gene makes us friends!! Where's the script writer ... LET ME AT 'EM, LET ME AT 'EM!!!!

Spock:

Hypo him doctor!

McCoy:

(Hypo's him) Easy Jim. Here's a sedative.

Scotty:

Alright Klingon - at ease. I guess Gene has his reasons, but someday I'll get even.

Kirk:

Whew - I am okay now - shall we tour the ship gentlemen?

Picard leads them to the bridge.

Picard:

This is the bridge, gentlemen.

Spock:

(Sees Wesley) Fascinating Captain, they use teenagers on the bridge!

Kirk:

Picard - why do you let allow teenagers on the bridge?

Picard:

Well ... uh captain, you see Gene has determined that today's viewing audience is below the age of 13 years old. Therefore all of us that have spend years and years working for Star Fleet and attending the academy have been outclassed by - you guessed it - someone that is 1/5 of our age. Let me show you - Wesley?

Wesley:

Yes Captain?

Picard:

I want you to turn my communicator into a combination phaser rifle and grenade launcher, okay?

Wesley:

But of course Captain, right away!

McDougal:

Captain, I have been an Engineer for 27 years and I am absolutely positive that that cannot possibly be done!

Wesley:

What? You must be the dumbest, stupidest person I know!! All you have to do is push these three buttons, turn this dial, pull down this lever, turn this gidget (okay - this goes on for another 30 seconds) and presto - what is absolutely, positively impossible is done!

Picard:

Isn't that amazing! I mean my Engineer now looks like the biggest dolt on the ship - but boy - doesn't Wesley look intelligent!

Spock:

Fascinating Captain - the kid actually does "steal the show" as the 20th century producers used to call it.

Scotty:

Ay - but if he was in my Engineer'in section and double talked my like that I'd have 'em placed into the matter/anti-matter condenser to be sure.

Kirk:

Uh-huh - well I tell you what I think we'd better be getting back now.

Picard:

So soon, I was going to let Riker show you the rest of the ship.

Spock:

This unit ... er ... person seems to serve no purpose - what does he do?

Picard:

... er ... uh well he takes over for people when they should be doing it themselves. He's like a Wesley in reverse - he takes over someone else's job and screws it up worse than they would have done otherwise. But he always looks like a hero in the end.

Kirk:

(Putting on a faked smile) Well isn't that helpful! (Pulling his Communicator) Sulu, 4 to transport back.

Wesley:

Wait - Remember I made modifications to our transporter! Can I transport you back, can I, can I?

Kirk:

Well ... uh ... okay - Sulu belay that order - we'll use the New Enterprise transporters instead.

Wesley:

Weeeeeeeeee! Okay here we go! Locking on to your coordinates - okay beaming!

Computer:

MALFUNCTION, MALFUNCTION, MALFUNCTION -

Kirk:

Hay uh - AAARRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

And the Rest is - uh hummm - history!