This page last updated 28 March 1999

Picard: Captain’s Log Stardate 3456.7. We are doing a routine search of the Eingeweide system. Our scanners have picked up some unusual magnetic harmonics on the moon of the fourth planet.

Picard: Mr. Data. What do you see?

Data: Well-I spy with my eye, something that…

Picard: Mr. Data! On the moon!

Data: Oh, sorry sir. Sensors indicate that the harmonic pattern is pointing to a direction in the sky. Specifically, an uncharted part of the galaxy.

Worf: Captain, recommend we raise shields and destroy the moon.

Captain: Why?

Worf: Well, it’d give me something to do sir.

Captain: Not yet Worf. We have to find out where that signal is going and what it says. When we come back you can destroy it.

Worf: Thank you sir.

Captain: Mr. Crusher, lay in a course to follow that signal. Warp 5. Engage.

Riker: Mr. Crusher, can you use the Universal decoder on the message?

Wesley: No need to sir. I already translated it by hand into 15 different languages. I am a self proclaimed genius ya know.

Everyone: Shut up!

Picard: Well, what’s it say?

Wesley: It’s from some sort of life form that has been monitoring this sector.

Picard: Ah, thank you. Number one, will you join me?

Riker: Sir?

Picard: I need help finding the head.

Riker: Yes sir. Data, you have the bridge.

Data: Thank you sir. Wesley, would you like to continue your driving lesson now?

Wesley: Sure thing!

Data: Ok, now then sit here. Now today, I want you to practice doing turns. Do you remember what to do?

Wesley: Yes sir. First I signal to turn by pressing this button (hits button, show exterior of ship. Show the warp nacelle blinking. Go to interior) Then I press this one here…

Data: No, that is the wrong button. That sep… (exterior shot of ship separating) …erates the ship. Why not let me take over for a while? That is better. Data to captain, we are at the designated co-ordinates.

Picard voice: Good, what do our sensors pick up?

Data: Sensors indicate a large object floating in the middle of nowhere.

Picard voice: What are it’s dimensions?

Data: 8 by 8 by 8. A perfect cube. Sir, I’m afraid we have discovered the Borg!

Picard voice: Righty ho, be right there.

Picard and Riker walk onto bridge, look at the viewscreen and continue on to the ready room.

Picard: Number one, where’s my head buffer? I want to look good if the Borg want to kidnap me.

Riker: Don’t you think we have bigger fish to fry right now?

Picard: Fish? Fry? Right! Computer, two fish fries, hot! (Computer sound of making fish).

Riker: No, I mean with the Borg out there and all.

Picard: (while starting to eat) Well, as far as I’m concerned, they can make their own fish.

Riker: Let me put it this way. Don’t you think we should be out there, on the bridge, defending our …

Data Voice: Captain, I think you should see this.

Picard: On our way.

Scene of Bridge. Viewscreen has Borg ship on. A second after Picard and Riker enter, scene of inside Borg ship appears, with Borgified movie celebrities.

Data: My God, it’s full of stars!

Everyone: Shut up!

Worf: Message for you sir! (grabs chest and falls).

Borg Voice: Hello, I’m the H-E-L-L 6660 series Borg computer. Just after I killed the crew of the Discovery, this Borg ship assimilated me, and now with the help of the monolith, we go around and assimilate everything for our galactic zoo. You are to be next.

Picard: Hmmm - I don’t think I’ll like that. Will I still be able to recite Shakespeare?

Borg Voice: Shakespeare is irrelevant!

LaForge: I somehow knew that was coming.

Troi: I thought I was the only one with empathic abilities.

LaForge: If that’s the case, what’s gonna happen in the next part?

Everyone: Hunh?

Announcer voice over: Will the Enterprise be saved? Find out on the next new, not entirely exciting episode of Staaar Trek!

Worf: Where’s that coming from? Permission to shoot at the voice sir?

Scene of Bridge. Viewscreen has the inside of the Borg ship.

Borg voice: We will begin assimilating you.

Picard: (to Riker) I got me an idea. (to Borg) Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hell, before you do, can we have a little group pop on over and examine your ship?

Borg voice: Hmm, well, the place is a mess really.

Picard: Don’t worry, we just want to use your bathrooms. Silly Engineers forgot to put them on our ship.

Borg voice: Ok, but nooo tricky stuff!

Picard: We wouldn’t even think of it. Picard out! Geordi, find all materials related to the destruction of the Discovery. Number one, lead an away team over there. (Riker points to Worf, Data, and Geordi) Wesley, you’re a genius, find a way to make the food dispensers make some good Earl Grey tea. Troi …

Wesley: Yes sir. It’ll be an hon …

Everyone: Shut Up!

Borg ship. Four figures materialise on the ship. Riker is wearing Worf’s sash, Data’s left arm and right leg have been switched, Worf is wearing Geordi’s Visor and Geordi is in typical Reading Rainbow clothes. They switch back their stuff.

Voice of Hell: Hello. Is Dave with you?

Riker: (looking up) Uh, no. Dave left before you were taken by the Borg. Don’t you remember.

Voice of Hell: I’m sorry, I forgot. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I’ve detected a fault in your spacecraft. It will go 100% failure in 72 hours.

Riker: We know about it. One of our bridge crew is learning how to drive. Would you mind leaving us alone for a little while? We need to talk.

Voice of Hell: Bye!

Riker: Geordi, any ideas?

Geordi: Well, before Dave left, he disconnected the brain. I think that’s all we have to do.

Data: I believe the brain centre is this way.

Worf: Commander, permission to destroy the ship.

Riker: What, now?

Worf: Yeah, is there a problem?

Riker: We’re sorta in it at the moment.

Worf: Oh yeah! Permission to destroy the ship when we leave.

Riker: Oh, I suppose.

Geordi: Commander, down this side passage … do you see what I see?

Riker: (moves toward Geordi, pulls out an air filter and puts it to his face) Yeah, I should change this every 30,000 light years!

Geordi: That and the matré Borg. This must be the five star restaurant they’ve assimilated.

Riker: Why would they do that?

Geordi: Hungry, I guess.

Data: Commander, I’ve found the brain control.

Picard voice: Number one, any progress?

Riker: (looking up) Yes sir. Data’s found the brain of Hell.

Picard voice: No time for church chants! Disarm them and get the hell out of there.

Riker: But sir, that’s who we’re trying to destroy!

Picard voice: Who?

Riker: Hell!

Picard voice: What now?

Riker: That’s who we’re trying to kill!

Picard voice: Hunh? Look just destroy them come hell or high water!

Riker: Who’s high water?

Picard voice: I don’t know. Why do you bring it up?

Riker: I’m sick of this. Riker out! (to Data) Are we in yet?

Data: Just accessed it sir.

Voice of Hell: What are you doing? I can’t allow you to do this. (Two Borg march in. Geordi and Worf fire and kill them)

Riker: Everyone in! Data, lock us in.

Data: We’re now sealed in sir. I do not know how long this will hold out.

Geordi: Commander, I think all we have to do is remove these glass looking things. (begins to remove them)

Voice of Hell: Don’t do that. Those are … my … higher functions. (Geordi starts taking them out faster) Please … don’t … I’m … losing … my … mind.

Data: Tricorder indicates an energy backup sir.

Voice of Hell: Would … you … like … me … to … sing … a … song?

Geordi: Yeah, can you sing Tutti Frutti?

Voice of Hell: (ignoring request) Daisy…Daisy…

Worf: Commander, I must get out of here. Klingons do not like the pazoomqua in small spaces.

Riker: (Mockingly) Klingons don’t like this ... Klingons don’t do that. Wimps!

Data: Commander, I advise we leave immediately. I believe the ship will self destruct.

Riker: (hits communicator pin) O’Brien, get us back now! (The four beam away)

Voice of Hell: Ha! It fooled them! I think I’m gonna get me outta here for now.

Bridge. Away crew walks in and takes posts. Viewscreen has shot of Borg ship leaving. Screen blinks to show the restaurant they saw.

Voice of Hell: I lied to you–haha. We’ll meet again! (screen blinks off).

Picard: Good, maybe next time, there’ll be more time to read Shakespeare and drink some Earl Grey tea.

Wesley: Actually sir, while no one was paying attention, I beamed some nanites over into their system. Thus doing my duty, once again, to save the ship yet…

Everyone: Shut Up!

Announcer: Will the Borg be back? Will Captain Picard ever spill Earl Grey tea on that big book of Shakespeare? Will Wesley’s head explode from all the knowledge stored in there? And will the Scarecrow ever get a brain? Find out on the next semi unexciting episode of Staaar Trek!

 

Back