This page last updated 12 June 2000
Picard's Kobayashi Maru Test
by Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)
George W. Playdon III
1 January 1987
-
Ships Log:
- Star Date 12123.4, USS Enterprise on Neutral Zone Patrol.
- Picard:
- Data, adjust to Parabolic course to avoid entering the Neutral
Zone.
- Data:
- Ay, Ay Sir. New course is Mark 77.29.
- Troi:
- Captain. I am getting a subspace message on Subspace channel
9.
- Picard:
- Put it on the main speaker.
- Message:
- Enterprise, this is the Kobayashi Maru ... we have struck a
pravidic mine and have lost all ... power ... can you assist
Enterprise, can you assist ...
- Troi:
- Repeat your message. We are having trouble hearing you, what
are your co-ordinates?
- Message:
- Enterprise, we are in Gamma-Hydra sector 12.
- Picard:
- The Neutral Zone ...
- Data:
- Data on Kobayashi Maru. It is a Neutronic Fuel Carrier under
federation registry. Crew complement is 300 passengers and 12
officers.
- Picard:
- Yar, we are going to Red Alert. Sound the alarm.
- Yar:
- Captain, I have all 20 phasers banks ready, 15 torpedo tubes
loaded, 19 wide angle dispersant mines, 22 old style atomic
torpedoes and I booby trapped the Shuttle Craft with 1.2 million
tons of TNT so we can suicide our attack craft into it! Kill them
captain, kill them ALL!
- Picard:
- Yar ... all I wanted was a Red Alert Klaxon.
- Yar:
- "Oh ... sorry ... jumping the gun again wasn't I sir?
- Picard:
- Yes, you were Yar, but as usual we'll ignore it.
Red Alert klaxon sounds. All hands man their stations.
- Picard:
- If only I knew what to do ...
- Troi:
- Captain I suggest we cross the border and try to save the
ship.
- Picard:
- Hey, great idea ... wish I'd thought of it. It's a good thing
my crew can think these things out for me. Navigator, course
1675.45 Mark 54.76 Warp Factor 8.
- Data:
- Uh ... Captain if the starship enters the neutral zone
...
- Picard:
- I know what I'm doing Data ... but feel free to question my
orders anytime you feel like it because I am not going to stop you
at all because I don't mind people doing whatever they feel
like.
- Riker:
- Captain, I really need to have something to do here. I mean,
I'm just standing around watching everyone one else do their
jobs.
- Picard:
- You're right number one. Tell you what, the main focus of the
next three scenes is going to be on the the person that fires the
weapons station so we'll build you ego up a little more and place
you there where it will look like you are a hero.
- Riker:
- I knew you would sir ... thank you.
- Data:
- Entering Neutral Zone captain. Warp Factor 8 and
increasing.
- Picard:
- Right, now begin scanning for any signs of those mines, I
don't want us hitting anything before we reach the Kobayashi
Maru.
- Worf:
- Trouble captain. I have lost the scan image of the Kobayashi
Maru. But now I see 9 Romulan War Birds
- Yar:
- Captain, locking torpedoes, arming phasers, dispatching mines
and dumping the log buoy ...
- Picard:
- HOLD IT!!! Now I want each of you to tell me what I should
do.
- Troi:
- Captain, jettison the saucer section.
- Yar:
- Shoot to kill, take no prisoners.
- Worf:
- Kill them, fire until they have absolutely no chance of
winning, then self-destruct.
- Riker:
- Tell the cameraman to get a close-up of me firing the first
torpedo.
- Data:
- Go talk to Crusher down in sickbay.
Enter Wesley.
- Data:
- Hey you can't be up here ... get back down to the Civilian
Area.
WHAM - First torpedo hits.
WHAM - Phaser hits shield #16 crippling decks 2-4.
- Picard:
- It's okay Data, I am still feeling guilty about bringing his
father home dead, so I will let Wesley do whatever he feels like.
Go ahead Wesley, do whatever you want.
- Wesley:
- Gee, wow, great, weeeeeeeee, hey what does this button do,
let's fire torpedoes and treat them to some phaser fire.
- Picard:
- Silly child, don't you know we are going to surrender? Kids
today ...
WHAM - Second torpedo hits.
WHAM - Two Phaser hits to shield #34.
WHAM - Third torpedo hits, damage to shuttle deck.
- Wesley:
- Gee ... lets try to do what Kirk did in Star Trek III.
- Picard:
- Hehehe kids. Okay Wesley, what did Kirk do? Hehehe.
- Wesley:
- Computer code 1-1A
code 1-1A-2B
code 1B-2B-3
- Computer:
- WORKING ...
- Wesley:
- Final Sequence 000-destruct-0
- Picard:
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? GET OFF THE BRIDGE YOU $^&$#
KID!!
- Troi:
- OH ... Captain I feel pain, great pain.
- Data:
- Sorry, I can't help captain ... I got caught in another finger
trap.
- Worf:
- To die in this fashion is honourable.
- Riker:
- Hey ... turn that camera over here!
- Computer:
- 9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
BOOM