Holocrisis

by Ken Kaufman 25 May 1990

The entire opening scene is animated, unless otherwise specified ...

Pan across a typical 20th-century suburban American town, ultimately closing in on the Springfield Nuclear Plant. As the camera pulls in, we begin to hear the increasingly loud sound of alarms, not coincidentally identical to the Enterprise's red-alert klaxon. Now pulling into the building, we see the agitated figure of Homer Simpson.

Homer:

Oooo! How could I have been so careless? Now the whole place is gonna blow!

Voice over Loudspeaker:

Please stay calm and evacuate the premises. The red zone is for loading and unloading only ...

Pan over to the animated figure of Wesley Crusher, also dressed as a nuclear plant worker.

Wesley:

Hang in there, Simpson; we can save this thing!

Homer:

No way! And I was going to be up for promotion next week.

Wesley:

Come on! You grab ahold of the water valve and keep it set on half, while I begin dicarbonium injection.

Homer:

What injection?

Wesley:

Oh, never mind, you wouldn't understand.

As they work on fixing the situation, the alarms begin to fade out.

Homer:

You did it, Wesley, my boy! How would you like to come home to dinner with us?

Wesley:

Why sure ...

Dissolve to the Simpson's house. Marge is reading a newspaper with the headline BOY GENIUS SAVES HOMER SIMPSON'S MELTDOWN. Bart and Lisa are playing slapsies. Maggie is doing her usual thing. Homer and Wesley enter.

Homer:

I'm home ... with our hero! Is supper ready?

Marge:

It will be a while. Why don't you go watch tv?

Everyone gets on the couch, and Homer turns the set on.

Bart:

Oh boy, Star Trek. This is the one where Riker eats the worms.

Lisa:

Eeew, Bart!

Bart:

Have you seen this one, Wesley?

Wesley:

Well, to be honest, I ...

At this point, Worf, who is not animated, begins to balloon out of the tv screen, and grow to full size in the middle of the Simpsons' living room.

Worf:

Computer, hold program!

Everything freezes, save for Wesley, who is no longer animated.

Wesley:

Sir, with all due respect, what gives you the right to barge in here?

Worf:

It is 1800 hours, time for my daily pain therapy training.

Wesley:

Well, this simulation got carried along a bit further than I had expected. Do you mind if I complete it?

Worf:

You are using the holodeck for CREATIVE and RECREATIONAL purposes. I wish to use it to enhance my skills as a CREW MEMBER and a WARRIOR. (His communicator beeps) Yes?

Voice:

Security to Worf: We have a possible fight taking place in Holodeck 1.

Worf:

On my way.

Wesley:

Computer, save program and exit.

They leave the holodeck, and we get the opening credits.

Fade in to a packed conference room. Picard is conducting a meeting on the holocrisis.

Picard:

So let me get this straight. Lieutenants Barclay, Esperagos, Harticzak, Cubbage, Coelifleur and Brizelsprat were on Holodeck 1, doing their Robin Hood thing, when Commander Riker and his survey team entered and insisted that the holodeck be freed up for their simulation of field work on an ultra-volcanic planet, in preparation for our upcoming exploration of Delta Getudere IV. Do you agree?

Barclay and Riker:

Yes.

Picard:

Well, I know demand on the holodecks has been going sky-high, and not everyone is perhaps fond of what other people are doing, be it honing their ship skills, or keeping their minds in tune with more, er, recreational uses, but we are supposed to be civilized, and not brawl over it! Now if we are to set a reasonable holodeck policy, it would help to know what we are using it for. So if you don't mind telling me, I'll go first. I use it to unwind, to go back to the mid-twentieth century, where I can visit France in its glory, or enter the Dixon Hill world. Number One?

Riker:

I prefer simulations of what we might be facing, sir; strategic training and so forth.

Data:

I most enjoy what-if scenerios. For example, yesterday I was exploring what Hamlet would be like had it been written by Andrew Dice Clay. Consider: 'To be or not to be, that is not the question. Rather, the question is whether or not I can get that Ophelia broad to suck on ...'

Picard:

(reddening) That is enough, Data. Mr. LaForge?

LaForge:

Engineering simulations that can't practically be implemented in real space.

Troi:

I go to a planet of feelings ...

Worf:

I exercise my Warrior skills!

Wesley:

I go to places where my talents will be appreciated.

O'Brien :

(maniacally!) I go to a world in which I have a first name, and none of you do. Ah hahahaha!

Guinan:

Trying to work out how to defeat the Borg.

Barclay:

The Middle ages. When men were men!

Beverly:

Hot, primeval sex!

Picard:

Ok, I think I get the picture. Then unless anyone has any major objections, I will assign Holodeck 1 to more, er, creative uses, and leave the others for matters more directly relevant to our missions. Is that reasonable? (Nobody speaks up) Then dismissed!

We fade in to see Lieutenant Barclay standing at the door to Holodeck 1.

Barclay:

Open. (enters) Computer, Program 4: the Reviewers.

A tableau of famous critics including Siskel, Ebert, Lyons, Reed, Lynch and Shappe appear, sitting motionlessly in a row of theater seats.

Barclay:

Uh, get rid of Reed. (Rex disappears) Thanks. OK, let's have them review the Wesley Crusher-Darth Vader battle that was run in here yesterday.

The figures come to life.

Siskel:

You know, I really liked this holopresentation. It was full of action, and kept me on the edge of my seat. Watch how the drama unfolds in this scene ...

The drama comes up in the background. Wesley has devised a light-phaser, and is relentlessly pushing Vader back toward a bulkhead.

Darth:

You may not realize this, but underneath my mask, I am smiling.

Wesley:

Oh yeah, and why is that?

Darth:

Because I know something you do not know. You see? I am your father.

Wesley:

You are? Mommmmyyyy!

The flow of the battle reverses as DV takes control. The scene freezes.

Siskel:

As you can see, a brilliant and totally unexpected plot twist.

Ebert:

I disagree. What starfleet officer, even with Wesley's history, is going to call for "mommmmyyyy"? The characterization was a sham.

Lynch:

4.6 at best, although I enjoyed the music. And Gene, you could stick in a warning before showing such a giveaway scene.

Lyons:

Now wait a minute. I think the stress of a father believed dead for a decade showing up as the ultimate embodient of evil could drive anyone, even Ensign Crusher, over the brink. Freud might call it an unsatisfied Oedipus wish.

Siskel:

Yes, and the point where he accidentally began to call Princess Leia Beverly would support the idea that this is the deeper meaning of the program.

Shappe:

Well, this is all very interesting, but we must be moving on. Our next holopresentation features Counselor Deanna Troi marooned on the planet of warm fuzzies. I found this one to be quite disappointing.

A scene, contents omitted for the faint-hearted, begins rolling in the background. Riker and Troi enter.

Riker:

Excuse me, Barclay, your time is up.

Troi:

(Gasping) Lieutenant, didn't I tell you no more Goddess of Empathy scenes?

Barclay:

B-but this isn't a G-goddess scene, Counselor. We were, uh, reviewing the holotime you had last night.

Troi:

That is even worse! An invasion of my privacy. Computer, halt, end program, delete, expunge, run an electromagnet over it, and set fire to the backups!

We see another conference room scene, seating identical to the first.

Picard:

Now why should we have further problems? We assigned the creative holodeck, isn't that what everyone wanted?

Riker:

Yes, but some people have decided that they wish to use it to analyze others' holotime.

Troi:

Now granted that such could be a very good psychoanalytical tool, (glares at Barclay) in the right hands.

Picard:

So you would suggest that we could have such discussions of others' holoworks in a more MODERATE form, perhaps only computer-guided, and with the permission of the participant individuals, so that there will be no invasion of anyone's privacy. Is that reasonable?

Troi:

Yes, I would think so.

Beverly:

Now wait a minute. I want to use the holodeck for my own creative fantasies, but someone else is using it to talk about others' holowork? I find those priorities awfully mislaid!

Data:

What if we were to assign another holodeck to these discussions of other holowork?

Worf:

This is getting much too silly!

Wesley:

Who died and made you Colonel?

Barclay:

(Sarcastically) And what about one holodeck for real characters, and one for fictional ones?

Beverly:

And what about a separate deck for original holofantasies, and one for borrowed characters?

Everyone speaks up at once, and an all-inclusive fight scene ensues. After a few moments, the dulcet tones of William Shatner's voice can be heard above the ruckus.

Kirk:

Computer, end program.

Captain Kirk stands alone on the holodeck of NCC-1701-D.

Kirk:

Did you see that? Did - you - see - that? I only have one comment to make, just one comment. And that is, GET A LIFE! For crying out loud, it's only a goddam Usenet. Things may not be perfect, but if everyone hammers at once at a decent idea, we wind up with a mangled mess. That's what we're getting, shrapnel. And if things are that bad, there are always other things to do. Go fix up your parents' basement. Find a, what do you people call it, MOTAS? to kiss. Watch Airplane II again and again. But for crying out loud, don't have a cow!

Closing credits appear, the camera pulls back revealing an animated tv set, and we and Wesley are back in the Simpsons' cartoon living room.

Bart:

Oh wow, man, what a great episode.

Homer:

So that's where the boy gets his sayings from.

Marge:

Ok, the food's ready, come on.

Wesley:

Uh, well, I have to go. I'm probably needed on the bridge. Computer, end program. Exit.

He leaves the holodeck, presumably on his way to better things.