This page last updated 17 October 1999

Resistance is Futile

as told by Sir Laugh A Lot (laughalot-owner@laughalot.com)
http://www.laughalot.com
Original Source Unknown

Picard:

Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi:

Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker:

(Looking puzzled). What the heck is a "Microsoft"?

Data:

Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called "Windows", through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard:

But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data:

Yes, Captain. But when "Windows" detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an "upgrade". The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard:

Excellent work. This is even better than that "unsolvable geometric shape" idea.

15 Minutes Later.

Data:

Captain, We have successfully installed the "Windows" in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected "upgrade".

Geordi:

Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an "upgrade" to compensate for their increase.

Picard:

Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed.

Data:

Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the "upgrade". Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker:

Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...

Geordi:

Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!

Picard:

Data, what do your scanners show?

Data:

Apparently the Borg have found the internal "Windows" module named "Solitaire" and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

Picard:

Lets wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their functionality.

 

Two Hours Pass.

Riker:

Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?

Geordi:

As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more "Windows" modules from something called the "Microsoft Fun-Pack" each time they successfully increase resources.

Picard:

How much time will that buy us?

Data:

Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi:

Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard:

Identify.

Data:

It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft" logo!

Over the speakers:

THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Picard:

Why are the Borg not raising defences?

Data:

78% of Borg resources are currently being used in attempts to break their "Minesweeper" record.

Data:

The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

Picard:

Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker:

Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!

Data:

I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognised by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!

Riker and Picard together, horrified:

LAWYERS!!!

Geordi:

It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data:

True, but apparently some must have survived.

Riker:

They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper.

Data:

I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as "red tape" - it often proves fatal.

Riker:

They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard:

Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.

2 hours later in the briefing room.

Picard:

Where did we go wrong to cause such a hideous catastrophe?

Data:

Sir, our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology indicate there was once a challenger to "Windows" on earth code named "Borg". Later it was known as "OS/2 for Windows".

Riker:

You mean this Admiral Gates thought the Borg were his ancient competitors?

Picard:

It would appear so. But whatever happened to this "OS/2"?

Geordi:

I believe I can help here Captain. "OS/2" had many of the features of our 25th century computers but this Admiral Gates successfully gained unusual power from the Government through something called a consent decree. With it, and a brainwashing technique called Marketing, he destroyed OS/2. He even combined these tactics with the guise of a friendly investment to infiltrate and destroy another competitor of superior technology called Macintosh.

Picard:

He did this without weapons?

Data:

Not quite Captain, he had an early precursor to our phasers, something called "Vapourware". And there is no known defence against this weapon. It could, potentially, still take over any system.

Riker:

Captain, if you'll excuse me I'm feeling ill.

Picard:

Yes, Will, I think we're all feeling ill. But this incident must serve to warn us and the entire Federation how dangerous it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster "Windows". Geordi, prepare an emergency report to Starfleet command. Briefing adjourned.

No one notices that Data's eyes glow a faint light blue flag.

 

Worf:

Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

Picard:

On screen.

The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.

Picard:

Data, what's wrong here?

Data:

Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

Picard:

Make it so.

The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the centre, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.

Picard:

Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

Data:

Aye, sir.

Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.

Worf:

Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

Picard:

Shields up!

Data:

I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

Picard:

What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.

Data:

I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

Geordi:

Allow me, Captain. (To Data) Control-alt-delete, Data.

Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.

Data:

The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

LaForge pulls Data's left ear.

Picard:

Shields...

There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.

Picard:

... up, Data!

Data:

Aye, sir.

Riker:

All decks, damage report!

Worf:

Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.

Data:

Shields are now up, Captain.

Picard:

And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

Worf:

Aye, sir. (He punches buttons on the weapons console).

Picard:

Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

Data:

I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

Picard:

Well, install the right one!

Data:

Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

Picard:

Number One, where do we keep Data's set up implants?

Riker:

I left them with Geordi.

Geordi:

(In a surprised voice). What!!? I thought you still had them!

Picard:

Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

Data:

Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

Picard:

Data, I don't have Setup Implant #1.

Data:

Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Picard:

Abort!

Data:

Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Picard:

Well, fail, then!

Data:

Current nose is no longer valid.

Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.

Geordi:

(Alarmed). Data, what are you doing?!?

Picard:

Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

Riker:

Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialised in industrial control robots.

Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.

Picard:

What's going on?

Geordi:

(Checking the helm console). Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

Picard:

These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialise on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.

Ferengi:

(With a mercenary grin). Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

Picard tilts head with a curious, confused look, raises eyebrows ...