Fifty Cents for Each Additional Minute

by David E. Brooks Jr, Rob Miracle, Russell Billings, Elizabeth Hildebrand   9 May 1989
A LAST-PAT Production (Louisville Area Star Trek - Parody Authoring Team)

Scene 0: Gorgeous outside shot of the Enterprise warping through yet another unexplored solar system. The camera pans inward through a porthole on the starboard side, revealing two humans, a male and a female, in their middle teens flipping through an ancient and tattered phone directory.

Wesley:

(Pointing to an entry in the GT&T pink pages) How about this one: 976-SEXX.

Oyl:

SEXX? What's that one about?

Wesley:

I don't know, you try it.

Ensign Jennifer 'Olive' Oyl takes the receiver off hook and punches in a sequence of digits. After 18 wrong numbers, she finally gets through ...

Oyl:

(After a moment of listening intently) That's Disgusting!

Wesley:

(Looking in book) Hey, Jennifer. Here's another one. "TWIT"

Oyl:

Let's try it! (Picks up phone and dials a few numbers)

(Ed. Since we fixed the problem with Saturn last week, we figured we may as well give you a new opening until we can find those d*** rings.)

Fade to opening credits. Once again Picard's voice is heard reciting the familiar words dear to every ST-TNP fan ...

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's ongoing mission: To explore strange new comedy, to seek out new life forms under cinema cushions, to boldly go where no parody has gone before.

Scene 1: Briefing Room. Picard and Data waltz into the room with stacks of printouts, paper tape and punch-cards. Sitting at the head of the briefing table is the man second most feared in the Galaxy (after Darth Vader), the Accounting Chief of Staff: General Ledger.

Data:

Thank you very much for the dance Captain, it was most educational. May I be the lead next time?

Picard:

(Notices General Ledger and turns red as a beet) Uhhm, yes, you're welcome Data. (Turns to the General) Sir, we have the information that you requested. (He drops a box of punch cards on the table) What exactly is the problem?

Ledger:

(Glares at Picard) You may have the information, Pick ...

Picard:

... it's "Picard" ...

Ledger:

... but do you know what any of it means?

Picard:

Well sir, I ...

Ledger:

I didn't think you did. Look here for example: This is your GT&T bill between Stardates 1A986B.FFE and 555.12AA (shows it to Picard)

Data:

(Innocently, as always) But General Sir, we stopped using hexadecimal stardates episodes ago.

Ledger:

Shut up you toaster, I'm talking to Pickled.

Picard:

(Shoving a traveling flask under the table) It's Picard, sir.

Ledger:

(Irritably) Well?

Picard:

GT&T bill? I cancelled that call to Paris. (Looks at bill again, his eyes grow wide) 1.4 Billion Dollars? This just can't be correct.

Ledger:

That is only part of it, Pikert . .

Picard:

... "Picard" ...

Ledger:

... This has been checked in triplicate. Someone on your ship has been calling these so-called (he looks at his notes) 976 numbers. Since the Federation no longer uses currency or money of any form, I have no other choice than to make it your responsibility.

Picard:

But sir ...

Ledger:

No buts, You are responsible for this ship and everything on it. I suggest you fix your accounting system so that you will know what is going on in your ship. I do not want to have to come here again.

Ledger leaves.

Scene 2: Leisure Bridge. Riker, Troi and Worf are in the usual places, two unknown ensigns are manning the forward consoles and a cute little red-head is getting Riker to sign a report.

Troi:

(Directed to Riker) ... so are you interested?

Riker:

(Scrawling on the report, much longer than his signature would normally take) I'm sorry Troi, (he winks at the ensign) what were you saying?

Troi:

(Flabbergasted) Never mind.

The bridge is quiet for a few minutes, pretty stupid considering this is only an hour show. Finally, just before total boredom sets in on the crew, an indicator beeps on one of the consoles.

Ensign Won:

Commander, sensors indicate a large asteroid in our flight path.

Riker:

What can you make of it?

Ensign Won:

Oh, I don't know. Perhaps cut it up and sell them as paper weights?

Riker:

(Looking upward in a 'why me?' stance) No, no ...

Ensign Tu:

Hey, I have an idea! We can use it for ...

Worf:

(Exuberantly) TARGET PRACTICE!

There is a continual babble from both ensigns and Worf as to what should be done with the asteroid. Riker keeps trying to interrupt politely, but to no avail.

Riker:

(In a more than loud voice) QUIET! (Normally) Ensign, what do the sensors tell us about the object?

Ensign Won:

(Innocently) Oh, I don't know Commander – the sensors don't talk, they just beep.

Riker:

(Enraged) Ensign!

Just before Riker leaps out of his chair to choke the ensign, Troi goes into an 'I sense a mind' trance.

Troi:

Commander, I am sensing many minds in that asteroid.

Riker:

(Exasperated) Great, first she's reading my thoughts and now she can tell whether or not an asteroid has been mined!

Troi:

(As if talking to a child) Willie, read my lips: M-I-N-D, not M-I-N-E.

Riker:

(Suitably abashed) Oh, I see.

Ensign Tu:

Excuse me, Commander ...

Riker:

Yes?

Ensign Tu:

... but the asteroid has just increased it's speed to warp factor 8.

Riker:

(With a worried look on his face) Ensign, magnify the asteroid and put it on the main screen.

Ensign Tu:

(Innocently) You want to make the asteroid bigger?

Riker:

(With false patience) Just push the orange button ...

Picture on viewer

------------------------------------------------------------
Tactical
Bear: 196.2 M 4.1
Rang: 314159Km
Vel: 3.5W
INTERCEPT

Mk I Star Destroyer (GT&T 'Deathstar')
Disp: 1Mtonne
MaxVel: uWarp 9.5
Arm: 2xAccountants
------------------------------------------------------------

Riker:

Worf, open a communications channel and hail the intruder.

Data:

Sir, I do not see how small ice pellets will be of assistance.

Worf:

On speaker sir.

Riker:

Unidentified vessel, this is the Federation Starship Enterprise, please show some identification and at least two major credit cards.

A female voice, somewhat raspy, not entirely unpleasant but obviously commanding enormous authority is heard over the speaker.

Voice:

This is Ellie Vader of the GT&T Starship 'Overdue Billing'. You are immediately ordered to cease all momentum and prepare to be boarded by our accounting staff.

Worf:

Commander, I have a visual.

Riker:

On screen.

On the screen is a picture of a very tall humanoid wearing a black jumpsuit black robe and the eeriest look black plastic helmet. The picture is very bouncy, like the viewing camera is intoxicated.

Riker:

(Presses personal communicator) Riker to Picard.

Voice:

Picard here.

Riker:

Sir, it is time for your line.

Voice:

Oh. (Reluctantly) We surrender.

Scene 3: Transporter Room. Two bodies and a box are beamed aboard. One form is that of the GT&T accountant and the other, her male assistant.

Riker:

I am Commander Riker, first officer. How may I help you?

GT&T Rep:

I am a representative of GT&T. Your phone bill is delinquent. (Points to the box some 7 feet high and 3 feet on the sides) Here is your current bill. If a payment cannot be made immediately, a lien against your ship will be taken out.

Riker:

I don't understand. We don't use phones.

GT&T Rep:

$4 Billion in calls to 976-NERD were placed from this vessel.

Worf:

Wesley, the Boy.

Riker:

(To Worf) Are you sure?

Worf:

Who else has the knowledge and ... desire to do so.

Riker:

I bet Oyl put him up to it. Worf, bring Wes 'n Oyl here now.

Worf:

Begging your pardon sir, I do not do that sort of thing.

Riker:

I mean Crusher.

Worf:

Aye Aye Sir. (Worf attacks the GT&T accounting rep assistant and crushes her with two blows)

Cut away from action.

Off screen Voice is heard.

Reporter:

Worf, now that you have defeated a guest star, what are you going to do?

Worf:

(Smiling) I am going to DisneyVerse.

Cut back to action.

Riker:

Lieutenant Worf! That is NOT what I meant. Bring the boy here so we can find out what he has been up to.

Worf:

Aye, sir. (exits)

Riker:

(To assistant) Will we be charged extra for this? (indicates accounting rep.)

Assistant:

I am afraid so.

Scene 4: Some Obscure Conference Room. Wesley, Worf, the GT&T Assistant, La Forge, Riker, and Picard are present.

Riker:

Ensign Crusher, why did you place all of those 976 calls?

Wesley:

But sir, it was for scientific research, you see we found this artifact (Picard picks it up and starts to flip though the pages) on our last stop. Ensign Oyl and myself were studying it for our science class.

Riker:

(Touches the computer) Computer, where is Ensign Oyl?

Computer:

In Engineering.

Riker:

(Touches the intercom) Engineering, send Ensign Oyl to Conference Room 26, deck 12.

Picard:

Will, I hate to be nit-picky, but that is Room 1A, Deck C.

Riker:

Sorry Sir.

Voice:

Oyl on its way sir.

Suddenly the turbo-lift door opens and a 50 gallon barrel comes barreling out and takes out the accounting assistant and Wesley.

La forge:

Engineering, he wanted Ensign J. Oyl not Engine Oil.

Voice:

Oh! She isn't here, try the powder room.

About that time the turbo-lift doors open again this time Ensign Oyl is hurled out of the door.

Oyl:

Lt. La Forge has to fix that Turbo-lift. (Sees Wes) Oh no!!!!

Riker:

What do you know about this?

Oyl:

It looks as if they were hit with a 50 gallon barrel of oil sir.

Riker:

No, I mean this! (points to the 3 ton phone bill)

Oyl:

It was ah ah ah, Scientific research, you see we were studying this ...

Picard:

Worf?

Worf:

(To Oyl) With all due respect, ENOUGH. (Oyl is knocked senseless)

Picard:

Thank you, lieutenant.

Worf:

(To Picard) My pleasure sir.

Picard:

So how are we going to pay off this bill? We don't have nearly enough money on board and counterfeiting is illegal.

La Forge:

Well, sir. I have $3 billion coming from selling the Turbo-Lift to DisneyVerse. That will cover part of the bill.

Picard:

That is why I asked you here. Are you willing to part with it?

Data:

Immaterial question, sir. Since his work was done on the Enterprise using our time and equipment, we can take the money.

La forge:

And I am willing to part with it, as long as you promise to keep Wesley away from me.

Picard:

I think that we can arrange that, Mr. La forge Now, where can we get the rest of the money?

Worf:

Sir, I believe that DisneyVerse will be paying me handsomely after that comment I made in the interview. If you can keep the boy away from me as well, I will gladly pay for the rest of the bill.

Picard:

Well, I guess that sums it up. (Stands) Will, take care of the details.

Riker:

Yes sir.