This page last updated 2 February 2003
Dog Trek
by Christopher Jon Petit (petitc@rpi.edu)
Editors Note: All Dogspeak has been translated for the benefit of the readers.
1 December 1992
- Leader's Personal Bone:
- Dogdate 1000.2. Am still worried about my dentures ... if they come unglued, everyone will know that I lost my real teeth. What a shame for a leader.
We see a bone-shaped Enterprise come spiraling onto the screen, then it stretches out into the familiar Warp stars. The Leader enters the bridge.
- Leader:
- Is there anything to report, Rotweiler?
- Riler:
- Nope. Oh, we did get that new hydrant installed in your quarters.
- Leader:
- Excellent. It can be so degrading to use the floor, don't you think?
- Rotweiler:
- But, Pickard, don't you use the crew's hydrant?
- Pickard:
- I can't get there in time.
- Rotweiler:
- (To himself) What an animal. He controls the ship but can't even control himself.
- Pickard:
- What was that?
- Rotweiler:
- I was just thinking how unfortunate it was that you can't make it to the crew's hydrant to do your business.
- Pickard:
- (Sarcastically) I'm sure you do.
Suddenly, an Ensign Expendible notices something.
- Ensign:
- Pickard?
- Pickard:
- Yes?
- Ensign:
- We've been surrounded.
- Pickard:
- Can you identify the intruder?
- Ensign:
- Yes, sir.
- Pickard:
- Well?
No response.
- Pickard:
- WELL?!?
- Ensign:
- Sir, you didn't ask me to identify it.
Pickard makes a deep-throated growl and looks menancingly at the Ensign.
- Pickard:
- IDENTIFY THAT NOW OR NO KIBBLES 'N' BITS FOR DINNER!!
- Ensign:
- Alright, alright already. I was just trying to be ....
- Pickard:
- GROWL!
Pickard leaps onto the Ensign and is about to sink his teeth into the Ensign when an explosion rocks the bridge.
- Pickard:
- What was that?
- Ensign:
- As I was ABOUT to tell you, it's the Cyber-Cats.
- Pickard:
- Them again?
Another explosion rocks the bridge.
- Pickard:
- Get out the attack mouth, and BITE THAT SUCKER TO BITS!
We see a large metal mouth reach out of the bone, for a large metal kitty face suspended a short distance away. The eyes emit a red beam which destroys the mouth.
- Ensign:
- Sir, they ate our mouth!
- Pickard:
- Alright. Call Chiuaua to the bridge, at once! I need some info about the Cyber-Cats!
We see the Ensign bolt for the door quickly. He bangs his face into the door, then a second later, the door opens. We see the Ensign wimper as he sulks into the turbolift. A few seconds later, Chiuaua comes out.
- Pickard:
- Well?
- Chiuaua:
- Well what?
- Pickard:
- Tell me about the Cyber-Cats.
- Chiuaua:
- You didn't say the magic word.
- Pickard:
- You'll be DOG MEAT if you don't tell me about them NOW!
A blue beam is emitted from the cat's eyes. It immoblizes the Enterprise.
- Chiuaua:
- Say the magic word.
- Pickard:
- GROWL!
He tries to catch Chiuaua for a few seconds, but has no luck. Pickard is panting heavily.
- Chiuaua:
- Now say the magic word.
- Pickard:
- Ok. PLEASE tell me about the Cyber-Cats.
- Chiuaua:
- Ok, since you finally said the magic word. The Cyber-Cats are a nomadic race, and they like eating dogs. Our historians think that it may be related to some peculiar form of revenge.
- Pickard:
- Any advice on fighting them?
- Chiuaua:
- Yes.
- Pickard:
- Please tell me it.
- Chiuaua:
- RUN AWAY!
Chiuaua bolts for the door, but the door opens a bit more quickly. We see Chiuaua slam into the elevator's other wall before the door closes. Pickard is panting with anger.
- Rotweiler:
- That didn't help too much.
- Pickard:
- But it does seem to be the best idea. Can we still use the Drive?
- Rotweiler:
- While you were fighting with Chiuaua, we were caught in their Paws.
- Pickard:
- Can we use our Leash still?
- Rotweiler:
- I think so, sir.
- Pickard:
- Then use it on the Cyber-Cat's Whiskers.
- Rotweiler:
- I'm not sure we can reach them from here.
- Pickard:
- Then TRY your best!
- Rotweiler:
- Ok, Ok.
Rotweiler presses a few paw-shaped buttons on the console. We see two small green beams emit from the bone, and smash into some small gold spheres on the Cat's face. The blue field around the Enterprise disappears.
- Pickard:
- Get us OUT OF HERE!
We see the Enterprise jump to Warp, and the cat face meows a sad cry, and starts licking itself.
- Rotweiler:
- That was too close.
- Pickard:
- You got that right.
- Rotweiler:
- I'll get some sleep, sir.
- Pickard:
- And now I finally get a chance to try out my new hydrant.
Pickard enters his quarters. A minute later, we hear a loud HOWL over the entire Enterprise. It seems that Pickard forgot to turn off the ship intercom.