Trekkie Pythons Warping Circus: Something Completely Different

by DL "McDLT" Thurston (thurdl01@wfu.edu) 13 February 1999
Paramont, Python (Monty) Pictures, etc. etc. etc. I intend to make no profit on this, but then again, I probably wouldn't be making a profit on this if I WERE intending it.

The scene opens on an old hermit standing in the middle of a grassy clearing. As the cameras start, the man runs forward in stop action fast motion. Suddenly he hits the wall of the holodeck, bounces off, and falls to the ground. Dazed he looks up and mumbles.

Hermit:

It's ... Trekkie Pythons Warping Circus: Something Completely Different.

The scene opens on Picard in his Ready Room desk going over a few things. The door chime rings.

Picard:

Come in.

Two Klingons enter wearing Italian suits. One is holding a violin case.

Klingon 1:

Good morning, captain.

Picard:

Look here, what are you doing on my ship?

Klingon 2:

(Ignoring the question) Nice vessel here. Be a shame if something were to ... happen to it.

Upon him saying this, the first Klingon knocks over a rather old book that was sitting on a table.

Klingon 1:

Oops!

Picard:

Wait! Hold everything! Is this another one of those Python things? Well, you can just shove off, I'm not going to play along this week. (Begins to walk off camera, the lights behind the Ready Room set can be seen, and the stars are replaced by blue screen). And don't follow me!

The Klingons shrug at each other, then walk off.

The scene shifts to Janeway's Ready Room. The same two Klingons walk in.

Janeway:

(Tapping her comm pin) Janeway to security, I have two intruders in my ready room.

A security ensign walks in.

Janeway:

Where's Tuvok?

Ensign:

He's training the new recruits.

Tuvok:

Good evening class!

All:

(Mumbling) Good evening.

Tuvok:

Where are the others then?

All:

They're not here.

Tuvok:

I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All:

Dunno.

Ensign1:

Perhaps they've got food poisoning.

The ensign is punched in the shoulder by Neelix, standing next to him.

Tuvok:

Well then, maybe they should eat some more fresh fruit! Ha. Right. Now, today we are going to continue learning self-defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

Grumbles from all the crew.

Neelix:

You promised we wouldn't do fruit this week!

Tuvok:

What's wrong with fruit. Do you think you know it all then?

Lieutenant:

Can't we do something else?

Neelix:

Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Tuvok:

Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're on an away team and some Borg drone comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, (Seven, also present, coughs back a laugh) don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit ...

All:

We've done the passion fruit.

Tuvok:

What?

Seven:

We learned defense against the passion fruit last week, Commander.

Neelix:

We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit ...

Ensign2:

whole and in segments ...

Neelix:

pomegranates, greengages ...

Ensign1:

grape, passion fruit ...

Lieutenant:

lemons ...

Ensign2:

plums ...

Seven:

mangos in syrup ...

Tuvok:

How about cherries?

All:

We did those.

Tuvok:

Red and black?

All:

Yes.

Tuvok:

All right then, bananas.

All sigh.

Neelix:

Shouldn't we at least do Delta Quadrant fruit? Maybe some leola root?

Tuvok, ignoring Neelix, goes to a replicator and gets a banana.

Tuvok:

We haven't done them, have we? Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against a hostile alien holding a banana. Now (tossing the fruit to Ensign 1) catch! Come at me with that banana! It's quite simple to defend yourself against a banana-armed assailant. First you force your assailant to drop the banana, then you eat it, thus disarming your assailant.

Ensign1:

Suppose he's got a whole bunch?

Tuvok:

Shut up!

Neelix:

Suppose he has some leola root?

Tuvok:

Shut up! Right, now Ensign Apricot.

Ensign1:

Bulkington, sir.

Tuvok:

Sorry, ensign Bulkington. Come at me with the banana! Hold it like that, that's it (Bulkington holds the banana like a small knife). Now attack me with it! Come on! Come at me then!

Bulkington runs forward, holding the banana high, Tuvok pulls out a phaser and fires. Bulkington vanishes, and the banana drops to the ground with a plop.

Ensign1:

Aaggh!

Tuvok:

Now, I eat the banana.

Lieutenant:

You shot him!

Neelix:

He's dead!

Ensign2:

He's completely dead!

Tuvok:

I have now eaten the banana, and the deceased Ensign Bulkington is now unarmed.

Neelix:

You shot him! You shot him dead!

Tuvok:

He was attacking me with a banana. It was the only logical move!

Neelix:

But you told him to attack you!

Tuvok:

I am just doing my job, which is to train you to defend yourself against attackers with fresh fruit.

Neelix:

Or leola root.

Tuvok:

Shut up!

Ensign2:

Suppose I'm attacked with by a man with a banana, and I don't have a phaser?

Tuvok:

Run for it!

Lieutenant:

You could just scream for help!

Tuvok:

And end up with a pineapple down your throat.

Ensign2:

A pineapple?

Tuvok:

(Barely hiding his fright) Where? Where?! Oh, I see. Right. Phew! Right, that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. Harmless looking as it might be. Now, you Lieutenant Peach.

Lieutenant:

Thompson.

Tuvok:

Thompson, come at me with that raspberry.

Lieutenant:

No!

Tuvok:

Why not?

Lieutenant:

You'll shoot me!

Tuvok:

I won't.

Lieutenant:

You shot Bulkington!

Tuvok:

That was logically out of self-defense. Now come on, I promise I won't shoot you.

Neelix:

You promised us you'd talk about leola root!

Tuvok:

Shut up! Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

Lieutenant:

Throw the phaser away!

Tuvok:

I haven't got a phaser.

Lieutenant:

You shot Bulkington with it!

Tuvok:

Oh, that phaser. All right, how to defend yourself against a redcurrant without a phaser.

The Lieutenant sighs, and runs forward with the raspberry. Tuvok reaches out, and pushes some controls on the wall. A 16-ton weight crashes down on top of the Lieutenant.

Tuvok:

If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just push that button right there, and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

Neelix:

Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight around.

Tuvok:

One must learn that the first step of self-defense is planning!

Ensign2:

Well, how many 16-ton weights are there?

Tuvok:

Look, look, look, Mr. Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

Neelix:

Like what?

Tuvok:

Shooting him!

Ensign2:

Well, what if you have neither a gun nor a 16-ton weight?

Tuvok:

Look, come at me with the raspberry!

Ensign2:

No guns?

Tuvok:

No.

Ensign2:

No 16-ton weights?

Tuvok:

No.

Neelix:

No leola root?

Tuvok:

Shut up! Come at me ensign!

Ensign2:

You won't kill me?

Tuvok:

No.

Ensign2:

Oh all right.

Tuvok:

Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn my back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an alien with redcurrants is to ... release the tiger!

There is a loud growl, the ensign screams, Neelix runs out.

Neelix:

That's enough! I'm reporting this!

Neelix walks into Chakotay's office.

Chakotay:

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Neelix:

Well, I just came here to, ah ...

Chakotay:

DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU FUR-FACED HEAP OF TARG DROPPINGS!

Neelix:

What?

Chakotay:

SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TWIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME VOMIT ALMOST AS BADLY AS YOUR COOKING! YOU VACUOUS PIG-NOSED MALODOROUS PEVERT!

Neelix:

Look! I came here to complain about Commander Tuvok!

Chakotay:

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I'm scheduled to give abuse right now. You want to talk with the captain!

Neelix:

Oh! I see!

Chakotay:

Not a problem.

Neelix leaves.

Chakotay:

Stupid git!

Neelix walks into Janeway's ready room, just as two Klingons in Italian suits are being led out.

Neelix:

Alright, I should be in the right place now.

Janeway:

Look, I already told you that you were.

Neelix:

No you haven't!

Janeway:

Yes I have!

Neelix:

When?

Janeway:

Just now!

Neelix:

No you didn't!

Janeway:

Yes I did!

Neelix:

You didn't!

Janeway:

I did!

Neelix:

Oh, I'm telling you, you didn't!

By now Neelix is on the sofa, watching Janeway at her desk.

Janeway:

I did!

Neelix:

Why are we arguing?

Janeway:

You came here for an argument!

Neelix:

No I didn't!

Janeway:

Yes you did!

Neelix:

No, look, I came to complain.

Janeway:

No, you came for the argument.

Neelix:

I did not!

Janeway:

You did so!

Neelix:

I did not!

Janeway:

You did so!

Neelix:

I did not! And anyway, this isn't a proper argument!

Janeway:

Yes it is!

Neelix:

No it isn't!

Janeway:

Yes it is!

Neelix:

No it isn't! Look, this is just contradiction!

Janeway:

No it isn't!

Neelix:

You just contradicted me!

Janeway:

I did not.

Neelix:

You did too! Look. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a position!

Janeway:

No it isn't!

Neelix:

Yes it is!

Janeway:

Look, if I am going to argue with you, I have to take up a contradictory position.

Neelix:

But having an argument isn't just saying "no it isn't"!

Janeway:

Yes it is!

Neelix:

No it isn't!

Janeway:

Yes it is.

Neelix:

No it isn't. It isn't just a contradiction of what the other person says. An argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of the other person's position!

Janeway:

No it isn't!

Neelix:

Yes it is!

Janeway:

No it isn't!

Neelix:

Look, I'm getting tired of this.

Janeway:

No you aren't.

Neelix gets up, and storms out. Janeway looks a bit confused for a moment, and goes back to work.

Neelix, fearing for the mental health of the captain, walks into sickbay. The holographic doctor materializes, holding a large wooden mallet, which he hits Neelix on the head with.

Neelix:

OWWW!

HoloDoc:

No. Hold your hands on the side of you head like this and say Waaagh.

Neelix:

No! (gets hit again) WAAAA!

HoloDoc:

No, Waaagh!

Hits Neelix.

Neelix:

WAAAGH!

HoloDoc:

That's it! Again!

Neelix:

Stop hitting me!

HoloDoc:

Stop hitting you?

Neelix:

Yes, I came here to discuss the captain's mental health.

HoloDoc:

Oh, I'm sorry, I was expecting someone for a Being Hit on the Head lesson.

Neelix:

What a stupid concept.

The scene shifts to the bridge. All regular bridge members are where they are supposed to be.

Tuvok:

We are now in orbit over planet Algon, fifth world in the Fortran system. Our initial probes show that a single cup of drinking chocolate could cost four million bars of GPL, a simple heating unit could cost over six billion, and a pair of split-crotch panties could be almost unobtainable.

Janeway frumps a bit.

Kim:

Our computer has been working all day to analyze the data the we are getting from the planet's surface. Algon I ... (Looks down as console beeps). Wait, I am getting more information from our scans. A simple rotary lawn mower is still relatively inexpensive, still in the range of nine or ten billion bars. I think our launched probe can now get some pictures of the planet's surface if you wish to see them, captain.

Janeway, with a hand gesture, indicates she does.

Paris:

I see very little evidence of shopping facilities in that shot ... There don't appear to be any large supermarkets, or even corner stores, but it would be difficult to tell from this angle.

Janeway:

But what about the split-crotch panties. Are they going to be unavailable throughout the entire Delta Quadrant, or just here on Algon itself? Tuvok?

Tuvok:

We must remember that Algon is over 75,000 miles wide. The probes come down to this area here and we're really only getting signals from a radius of only thirty or forty miles around the probe. Split-crotch panties, or indeed any items of what we scientists call, 'Sexy Underwear' or 'Erotic Lingerie' may be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.

Chakotay:

Well, there was the natural deposit of split-crotch panties on that one planet a few light years back. Tuvok, do you think were going to find underwear on the way back to the Alpha quadrant that are even naughtier?

Tuvok:

It would be logical to assume that underwear will get naughtier and naughtier. (Console beeps). Captain, I have been informed that there are no signs of bananas on Algon.

The image on the screen fizzles out.

Tuvok:

Captain, I am afraid that we have lost contact with the planet.

Janeway:

Paris, set a course for the next planet we are getting negligé readings from.

Paris:

Aye ma'am!

Paris sets the course, the ship warps out, and Paris leaves off duty.

Paris walks into the mess hall with Torres. Torres goes to sit down, while Paris walks up to Neelix. Neelix has a bandage on his head.

Paris:

I was wondering if I could get some pizza today.

Neelix:

Don't come at me with that posh talk, you nasty stuck up twit!

Paris:

I beg your pardon?

Neelix:

Ah, you're in luck, ensign, I just pulled a pie out of the oven.

Paris:

That's great! But it doesn't have leola root, does it?

Neelix:

No leola, you slimy trollop?! What kind of ponce are you??

Paris:

I'm sorry?

Neelix:

No leola, nope. The hydroponic garden is out right now, and I'm saving the rest that I have for a casserole tonight.

Paris:

I see. And could I get some salad along with that?

Neelix:

Oh go make your own!

Paris:

What?

Neelix:

Some nice tossed salad, there you go.

Paris:

Oh, thank you!

Neelix:

"Oh, thank you" says the great queen like a la-de-dah poofta!

Paris:

I beg your pardon?

Neelix:

I'm just here to help.

Paris:

Excuse me, Neelix ...

Neelix:

What is it now, you great pillock?

Paris:

Well, I can't help noticing how you are being alternately rude and polite.

Neelix:

Oh am I, Tom, well I'm sorry.

Paris:

Well, it doesn't much matter

He takes the food over to the table with Torres.

Neelix:

(Under his breath) Tough titty if it did!.

Torres:

I really like the way that Neelix is fixing this place up. It's feeling almost glamorous now!

A waiter walks over.

Waiter:

Is everything to sir and madam's taste? May I get you some beverages?

Paris:

No, but could you get me another fork? This one is a bit dirty.

Waiter:

I beg your pardon?

Paris:

Well, it's nothing really, just a bit of a dirty fork.

Waiter:

(Takes the fork, and examines it closely) Oh, sir, I do apologize.

Paris:

No, no, it's alright, really. If you could just get me a new one.

Waiter:

I will fetch the headwaiter immediately.

Paris:

(Aside) headwaiter?

Torres:

Well, you certainly get good service, but where did Neelix get all these employees?

Tom shrugs, as the headwaiter comes over.

HeadWaiter:

Pardon me for the interruption. (Takes the fork, and looks at it.) It's FILTHY, Gaston! Find out who washed this fork, so that they may be transferred to engineering.

Paris:

Oh, no, no, no.

HeadWaiter:

Better still, we can't take any chances, have the whole clean up crew sent to other departments!

Paris:

Look, I don't want to cause any problems.

HeadWaiter:

Oh, no please, no trouble. It's quite right that you should point these kind of things out. Gaston, tell Neelix what has happened immediately!

Paris:

Look, it was just a little bit of a dirty fork!

HeadWaiter:

I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that ... no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery ...

Paris:

Well, it wasn't smelly ...

HeadWaiter:

It was smelly, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it ... nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork. Oh ... oh ... oh