This page last updated 7 November 1999

Critical Leak

by Paul T. Root (proot@harris.cis.ksu.edu)
17 February 1989

In 10 Forward with Riker and Worf drinking coffee (decaf, of course) at a small table ... 

Riker:

Did I notice some consternation on your face as you watched Troi give birth, Worf? It can't be that our security officer was a bit queasy, could it?

Worf:

No sir. I was just amazed at the way you humans treat your babies.

Riker:

How do you mean? I thought it was given all the care possible!

Worf:

We Klingons don't pamper our infants, sir. Each child is dipped in a vat of boiling tar at birth to make him ready to do battle with the enemies he or she will meet in life.

Riker:

Unbelievable! You must find life on the Enterprise to be quite sedate, quite pleasant.

Worf:

I prefer the tar, sir.

All of a sudden the red alert siren goes off and on the intercom we hear:

Picard:

Red alert! Red alert! This is no drill! Security teams, seal off all decks, all command personnel to the bridge! This is no drill!

Cut to external shot of the ship in space, with the log entry voice-over:

Picard:

Captain's log, stardate 23432.3247643. Our diplomatic mission to the Theta-Cyanus system has been interrupted by what may turn out to be a disastrous turn of events. One of our puppies has wet a carpet in one of the rec rooms. Since Theta-Cyanus-7 is the galaxy's only known supplier of Winkie-Winkie ice cream, we must not let this crisis disrupt our mission.

On the bridge with all the usual boobs present.

Picard:

(Into intercom) Damage Control, report!

Voice:

(From intercom) We're applying crystal methalhydroxide to the area right now, sir. We have no idea how soon repairs can start.

Picard:

Number One?

Riker:

I think we may want to separate the saucer section, sir. There's no telling how far it might spread.

Wesley:

Captain, I've calculated a probable spread pattern for the leak, and it is possible for molecules from it to reach the bridge in 13.5678 minutes.

Riker:

We've got to shut off the air vents throughout the ship, captain.

Picard:

Counsellor?

Troi:

I am feeling great panic on board the ship.

Picard:

(Into intercom) Captain to Engineering!

Geordi:

Lt. LaForge here.

Picard:

Shut off all air circulation systems immediately, Lt.

Geordi:

Aye, sir.

Riker:

The stuff can travel through doorways as well. We've got to limit movement on the ship, captain.

Picard:

You're right, Number One.

Picard:

(Into intercom) Captain to all crew members. Everyone is confined to quarters as of now. Anyone seen walking around without a hall pass will be sent to bed without any tofu. Captain out.

Troi:

Aren't you being a bit harsh, sir?

Picard:

I mean to run a taut ship, counsellor. Number One, assemble the command team in the briefing room.

In the briefing room, with all the typical creeps (except Guinan) present.

Pulaski:

(Motioning towards Data) Captain, is it necessary to include that, that Thing in here?

Picard:

Data is an important part of our command structure, Doctor.

Geordi:

You know, I've been wondering why we don't just load him up with all of the knowledge he needs and let him run the ship while we go get a beer.

Worf:

No point in that, Geordi. All the food processors have been reprogrammed so that the only beer available is Bud Light.

Troi:

If you would attend my sensitivity sessions, Worf, you wouldn't need external stimulants. See all you have to do is place your personally tuned crystal on the top of your head, breath deeply, and ...

Picard:

Gentlemen, please!

Pulaski:

What do you mean 'gentlemen'? It's 'gentlepersons', captain! President Roddenberry has outlawed all remarks that may be considered even remotely sexist or racist!

Geordi:

To boldly go where no ONE has gone before. Sounds like we're opening a new freeway extension.

Worf:

Or a new latrine.

Picard:

I apologise for my thoughtless remark, doctor. Now can we please get to the business of dealing with this crisis?

Pulaski:

I think it is imperative that we test everyone that has come in contact with the puppy or the leak. There may be some danger here we don't know about.

Riker:

We must also take steps to prevent this from happening again.

Worf:

Like rub its nose in the spot and hit it with a rolled up newspaper?

All but Worf laugh.

Picard:

It is apparent, Worf, that there are still things you haven't learned about the Federation. No creature is ever punished in any way, no matter what it's done.

Troi:

Instead, we talk to it, and get to the real reason it did whatever it was in the first place. It is through understanding and compassion that behaviour is changed. It may take several sessions, but it is always successful.

Geordi:

Didn't the mad strangler of Cyanus-8 slaughter the entire female population of that planet in between attending 12,872 sessions just like that?

Troi:

Yes, but his behaviour DID change, Geordi.

Geordi:

He ran out of victims.

Picard:

Not so. I heard he was recently moved to Triangula-4 to prove that he was really cured.

Worf:

He's now on Triangula-5, captain.

Picard:

Are you sure? I was certain he was moved to Triangula-4.

Worf:

He was, sir. He killed all the women there, so they moved him to Triangula-5 to make sure he was really, really cured.

Picard:

No matter. We must deal firmly and quickly with the trouble at hand. However, I suggest we break and all go down to 10-Forward, before continuing to deal with the crisis.

The main weenies are all in 10-Forward, watching the stars go by. Guinan, not afraid of losing her job (who cares whether you work or not, anyway, since no one is paid), has joined them instead of tending bar. They are all enjoying non-alcoholic beverages (sloe milk fizzes, milk and tonic, and milk mai-tais with little purple umbrellas made from pansies on top). We join them in mid-conversation.

Of course, they're not REAL pansies. I mean, flowers have rights, too. Actually they're paper pansies. But it's not really paper, since paper comes from trees and the IGSPCT (Inter-Galactic Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Trees) would have conniptions if trees weren't treated with the respect they deserve. No, it's imitation paper made by reconstituting rocks in the transporter. Of course, they made sure that there was utterly no life at all on the rocks, organic, or otherwise, and ... sorry, but I digress.

Guinan:

... so you see, that is why I believe that life is like a class-R style retro-laser with a blue pinwheel taped to the left side.

Picard:

What a marvellous philosophy, Guinan. I can see why you're the bartender here.

Geordi:

Yeah. She's a nincompoop.

Worf:

She fits right in, though.

Wesley:

You know, when I'm here, I feel like I could just reach out and touch the stars.

Worf:

I feel like smashing your head up against the glass over and over again.

Riker:

Boy, it sure is great that we built this bar aboard the Enterprise. Why, there used to be a time when they didn't have bars on board warships at all!

Troi:

How primitive! What used to be in this space?

Riker:

Oh, just our main phaser bank tracking and guiding system.

Geordi:

Heaven knows we don't need that!

Crewman from another table:

Bartender, can I have a refill?

Guinan:

Go away! I'm busy!

Picard:

Well, I think it's time we went back to the briefing room and resolved this crisis.

All get up to go.

Guinan:

Hey, pick that trash up! Don't leave your mess on my tables so I have to clean them up. What do you think I am, your slave?

Picard:

I'm so sorry, Guinan. Here, I'll take care of it.

The ship's captain throws all the trash out, cleans the table and then gets down on his hands and knees and uses spot remover to clean any areas where drinks have been spilled as we fade ...

Back in the briefing room, with all the cringing milksops present.

Picard:

(Into intercom) Damage control! Report!

Voice from intercom:

The spill has been cleaned up, sir. No permanent damage to the ship.

Picard:

Very good.

Riker:

It's fortunate that this won't disrupt our diplomatic mission. Have you prepared fully for your greeting, sir?

Picard:

It's rather difficult to prepare for, Number One.

Wesley:

What do they ask you to do?

Picard:

In order to show honour to their planet, you must great them with their traditional Winkie-Winkie Ice Cream song, while standing in a peculiar position.

Data:

Why is it so hard to prepare for, sir?

Picard:

We don't know the words. They transmit them up to us as I greet them and we use the lower part of the viewscreen as sort of a prompter. They watch us, but refuse to grant visual contact with them until the greeting is complete.

Riker:

Looks like it's about time. Shall we go to the bridge?

Picard:

Right away, Number One. Positions, everyone!

We cut to the bridge as the command team enters. The insignificant others who've been keeping the chairs warm make way for the stars of the show.

Worf:

I'm getting a signal from the planet, sir. They say they're prepared to transmit.

We cut to the transmitter site and see a large room with a giant screen on one wall, where the 12 or so techs working here can watch the bridge of the Enterprise. There is a keyboard right beneath the screen. Two techs are talking while standing near it.

Tech 1:

I can't wait. This guy looks like the best one we've had yet. Has Hank got the lyrics sheet?

Tech 2:

Yeah, here it is. Type it in, maestro.

The other techs all stop what they're doing and watch the screen as the first begins to type.

We cut to the bridge. Picard is standing in front of his chair, pinching the top of his left ear with his left hand and holding his right leg up behind his back with his right hand. As the words begin to move across the bottom of the screen, he begins to hop up and down on his left leg and singing.

Picard:

Winkie-Winkie Ice Cream, that's the one for me
It's known as being yummy, 'cross the galaxy
It's so smooth and creamy, and so tasty, too
that it makes me sing out: Yoobledoobledoo!

It's got vitamins and protein just for starts
and it is not made with any animal parts
It's fortified with minerals in every way
and Mommy lets me eat it up every day!

We cut to the technicians on Theta Cyanus. Most of them are rolling on the floor, their faces a shade of purple usually associated with grapes, laughing so hard they can't breath. One, tears streaming down his face, staggers towards the comlink keyboard ...

Tech 3:

Here, let me! I've got a great idea!

He begins to type. Back on the bridge, Picard is still hopping, singing on with a face as straight as can be as new words come across the viewscreen. He follows them flawlessly.

Picard:

It's so smooth and creamy, and my head is bald
At least I spot the ants when across it they crawl
My ears stick out like radar dishes and they sway
I never close my lips when I've had my say

Troi's a cringing whiner and Wesley's a pain
Without Data here to guide us, we'd be down the drain
Number One's a-chafing and he always smirks
All of history can agree, he's no Captain Kirk!

We cut to Theta-Cyanus. The tech at the keyboard is laughing so hard that he can only breath in gasps. He tries to type in another line, but can't quite do it, and as he collapses on the keyboard, his finger keeps pressing the last key he hit.

We then cut to Picard to hear him sing:)

Picard:

We're a crew of hand-wringers, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After holding the last note for about two minutes, Picard falls unconscious from lack of oxygen. The prompter goes blank soon after.

Riker:

What happened? Did we lose contact with the planet? Did they accept the captain's greeting message?

Worf:

Communications were cut momentarily, sir. I'm getting a transmission from them now.

The viewscreen shows one of the techs, trying to look stern and serious, but mostly failing.

Tech 2:

We of Theta-Cyanus-7 thank the captain for the honour he has done us. We welcome you to our planet.

As Picard comes to, there is much rejoicing and congratulations on the bridge as we fade out .

On the bridge, with the planet fading behind them as the Enterprise leaves orbit.

Picard:

You know, Number One, as we travel through the galaxy, we get to meet so many different cultures. It's important that we learn to treat each with respect and honour.

Riker:

Indeed, sir.