This page last updated 26 November 2001

Let's get crazy

by Christopher Jon Petit (petitc@rpi.edu)
17 February 1993

Captain:

Captain's Log, Stardate blah-blah-blah. Although all of the bridge crew except myself and Mr. Data are on vacation, it appears that we are in yet another location where "No One Has Gone Before."

We hear familiar music, and see a classy fade-in. The Enterprise is floating in a giant bathtub.

Stage Hand #1:

Shoot! Quick! Bring the model to the Star Set!

Stage Hand #2:

Aw, c'mon Al. Look at it float. Isn't it pretty?

Al:

Do it NOW, or else.

Stage Hand #2:

Or else WHAT?

Al:

Or else THIS!

Al takes out a large club and bonks Stage Hand #2 into unconsciousness.

Al:

Now, lesse here. Where IS that set ...

We see the Enterprise being carried to the Star Set and being placed down in it.

Al:

Ah.

Switch to the Bridge.

Captain:

What do sensors show, Mr. Data?

Data:

Sensors show a small golden bubble, sir.

Captain:

No, Mr. Data. I asked what the SENSORS show.

Data:

That is what they show, sir.

Captain:

I mean the SHIP'S SENSORS, you nitwit!

Data:

Oh. Sorry sir. The ship's sensors show that is a region of very-nearly-infinite-improbability.

Captain:

Probable cause, Mr. Data?

Data:

Well, sir, it is useless to try to apply probability to infinite causes, since this violates a theorm of probability and statistics.

Captain:

What does all that cool-sounding gibberish mean, Mr. Data?

Data:

The probable cause is that the writers want something cool to happen, so they put it there as a plot device.

Captain:

Any chance of dealing with that plot device, Mr. Data?

Data:

Only if the writers want us to, sir.

Captain:

(To self) Oh no!

Data:

Did you say something, sir?

Captain:

Er ... ummm ... nothing, Mr. Data. I said nothing.

Data:

But I could swear I heard you say ...

Captain:

I said I said NOTHING, Mr. Data. AHEM!

Data:

If you insist, sir.

Captain:

Now, I think we should enter the golden bubble.

Data:

Any reason, sir?

Captain:

It says we do, right here in the script. See?

Captain points to line in script.

Data:

Certainly, sir. Entering the bubble at full impulse.

The Enterprise enters the golden bubble at full impulse. The Enterprise disappears.

Captain:

Where are we NOW, Mr. Data? There's only that pretty golden light on the viewscreen.

Data:

I do not know, sir.

Captain:

(To self) Not again.

Data:

I assume you said nothing again, right sir?

Captain:

Of course.

Data:

You certainly do say nothing a lot, sir.

Captain:

And you are getting to be a royal pain in the ass.

Data:

Sorry, sir.

The Enterprise starts moving through a rainbow-colored vortex, with many various cool geometric, glowing shapes spinning around it.

Captain:

What's going on?

We see the Road Runner race past the Enterprise. He says "Meep! Meep!" and disappears.

Data:

I have no idea, sir.

A large pink elephant flies by, and goes SPLAT! on the Enterprise's hull. It breaks into pink marshmallow goo.

Captain:

Well look ahead in the script and find out!

We hear the Brady Bunch theme song, and see the familiar intro.

Data:

I lost the last page, sir.

Large Rubik's Cubes float by. They are throbbing and humming.

Captain:

I wish this would all just end.

Porky Pig appears and says "T-t-t-t-that's All Folks!" Suddenly, the golden bubble disappears, and the Enterprise is in normal space again.

Data:

It appears the writers granted your wish, sir.

Captain:

I don't think so.

Data:

What do you mean, sir?

Captain:

Something is coming out of nowhere.

Data:

What 'something' and what 'nowhere' are you speaking of? Or are you again saying 'nothing,' sir?

Captain:

Over THERE, damnit!

Captain points to a large White Shark (twice the size of the Enterprise) which is following them. Hungry shark music starts playing.

Data:

Shall we try to enter it, sir?

Captain:

NO! NO! NO!

Data:

But it isn't real, sir?

Captain:

But neither are we, Data.

Data:

If I were human, I would be offended. In that case, what would you like to do, sir?

Captain:

GET US AWAY FROM THE DAMNED SHARK! Warp Factor Ooga-Booga!

Data:

What course?

Captain:

Anywhere that doesn't lead us near that thing!

Data:

Course laid in, sir.

Captain:

Engage.

We see the Enterprise start to speed up into the Warp Stars, but then slow down. The shark is catching up.

Captain:

What happened?

Data:

It appears, sir, that the shark is capable of damping the subspace distortions which propel our interstellar capable ship through the space-time continum at superluminal velocities.

Captain:

Which means?

Data:

We're stuck here.

Captain:

You could have said that in the first place.

Data:

I did, sir.

Captain:

Oh. Whatever you say, Mr. Data. Whatever you say.

Captain looks at Mr. Data and smiles inanely. Then, he pats Mr. Data on the head.

Data:

Why are you treating me this way, Captain?

Captain:

No reason, Mr. Data.

Data:

Oh ...

Data looks offscreen at cue cards.

Data:

What are your orders now, Captain?

Captain:

Er ... um ... I mean ... That is ... Well, I think that we should try to communicate with the shark.

Shark music gets faster.

Data:

That may not be a good idea, Captain.

Captain:

And why is that?

Data:

The shark music just got faster. I think this means the shark will eat us if we try.

Captain:

Try anyways. Open a channel.

Data:

Hailing frequencies open, sir.

Captain:

This is the USS Enterprise, from the United Federation of Planets ...

Shark music gets deeper and slower.

Captain:

We come in peace.

Data:

(To self) I wish.

Captain:

(To Data) You say something, Mr. Data?

Data:

Oh, nothing, sir. The same nothing that you always say.

Captain:

Oh. Ok.

The shark music gets faster. The shark starts circling the Enterprise.

Captain:

(To self) Damn!

Captain:

Shields up! Go to Yellow Alert!

Shields raise and yellow alert starts flashing.

Data:

Now what, sir?

Captain:

I DON'T KNOW! Why don't YOU try being the captain of a large Starfleet vessel and see how it feels like?

Data:

If you insist, sir. Computer, as per Captain Picard's request, I am taking command of the Enterprise at 1234 hours.

Computer:

Transfer of command complete.

Captain:

No! No! No! It's MY ship! I want it back!

Captain starts crying and rolling around on floor of ship.

Data:

I am sorry, sir, but this is my ship now, and you cannot have it back. You gave it to me.

Captain:

Mine! Mine! Mine!

Data:

Computer, re-establish the channel to the Shark.

Computer:

Hailing Frequencies Open.

Data:

Mr. Shark, I believe you are hungry. I shall now feed you, if you leave the Enterprise alone. Agreed?

Shark:

Agreed.

Data:

Computer, close channel.

Data:

Computer, lock transporters on former-captain Picard. Beam him near to the Shark's coordinates.

Picard:

No! Wait! I can be reason ....

Picard disappears in the familiar beaming effect. We hear the shark music get faster and faster, and see Picard being devoured. The shark disappears.

Data:

Captain's Log. Stardate blah-blah-blah plus a little. Although the former captain Picard was immature, he did have his deepest wish ... that he be able to give his life to save his ship. I do believe that, if he were alive, he would be grateful.

Picard's Voice:

Don't bet on it. I'll be back. Trust me.

Manical laughter echos as the Enterprise disappears into Warp Stars.