CIRT Trek

by Rory K. McManus (rory@triton.unm.edu). 22 July 1991

Captain's Log, Stardate 45851.2354/4n!(p+q): For some time now the greatest percieved threat to the Federation has been that of the Borg, but now I fear we must confront an enemy that is far more terrifying and dangerous to life as we know it. An alien vessel representing the conglomeration of beings known as CIRT is on a direct heading for Earth, and the Enterprise has been dispatched to try and head them off.

Picard:

How soon until we make contact, Mr. Data?

Data:

At present velocity the CIRT will be upon us in approximately ...

The ship shudders from a hit!

Data:

... er, now Captain.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies.

Worf:

Sir, CIRT is hailing us.

Picard:

On screen.

The image of the CIRT vessel appears on the main viewscreen.

Data:

Sensor readings show the CIRT vessel to be configured in the shape of a small, asymetrical building shielded in the front by an enormous parking structure, which serves not only as a shield, but also as camoflage to keep users from finding it.

CIRT:

StarShip Enterprise, you will immediately surrender all disk space on your UNIX mainframes or be destroyed.

Picard:

This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard. We will do no such thing. We require our disk space for normal operations and ...

CIRT:

Operations are irrelevant. Programming is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated into the CIRT consciousness. Your individuality will cease, you will operate under 512k.

Data:

Sir, sensors show that the CIRT is powering up forward eraser heads.

Picard:

Shields up, go to red alert. Suggestions, crew?

Worf:

I advise immediate attack, Sir.

Riker:

I don't know Captain, perhaps we should try reasoning with them.

Data:

CIRT is firing. (The bridge rocks) Commander, they are attempting to wipe out your 35 megabyte collection of GIF files from alt.sex.pictures.

Riker:

Mister Worf, lock on phasers and photon torpedos! Begin fi ... (Slap!) Ow!

Troi:

You Cad! So that's the kind of "research" you so desperately needed to do every night at the LoboLab!

Riker:

Well you never told me you posed topless before, miss priss!

Troi:

Oooooh!

Data:

I personally enjoyed the one of Tasha where she had all that celophane wrapped around her ...

Picard:

Data!

Enter first season Wesley Crusher.

Wesley:

Gosh, I sure hope CIRT doesn't get all my old a.out files or my ridiculously huge mbox and News save files!

Picard, Riker, Data, Troi, LaForge, O'Brian, Guinan, Beverly, Barklay:

Shut up, Wesley!

Data:

Perhaps you should surrender too, Captain ... just for old time's sake.

Picard:

Data?

Data:

Sir?

Picard:

Stuff it!

Geordi:

CIRT is preparing to fire again.

Picard:

Worf, open a channel.

Worf:

Open.

Picard:

Leaders of CIRT, why are you attacking us? Our intentions are peaceful.

CIRT:

Peace is irrelevant. Intentions are irrelevant. You have foolishly wasted valuable disk space. You must be assimilated into our quota system. Your individual distinctiveness will be destroyed. All will be the same, with only room for .newsrc's and .plans. All other files are irrelevant.

Picard:

Please, be reasonable. I admit that many of our users are careless with disk space (glares at Riker) or simply don't follow good housekeeping practices in their accounts, but is that a reason to punish everyone? Shouldn't we have more freedom in our computer usage?

CIRT:

Freedom is irrelevant. Prepare for full erasure and asimilation into 512k quota system.

Picard:

But CIRT, what about programming?

CIRT:

Programming is irrelevant.

Picard:

And what about educational use of the systems?

CIRT:

Education is irrelevant.

Picard:

But what about those wonderful people who keep open "Pub" directories for everyone's use? Those save space.

CIRT:

People are irrelevant. "Pub" directories, even those with StarTrek stuff, are irrelevant.

Picard:

But what about binaries ...

CIRT:

Binaries are irrelevant.

Picard:

But what about parodi ...

CIRT:

Parodies are irrelevant.

Picard:

But CIRT, what about ftp ...

CIRT:

CIRT is irrelevant, ftp is irrelevant ... er, oops ...

Cut to exterior view. The CIRT vessel begins to shake and rattle.

Data:

Captain, the CIRT vessel is beginning to break up.

The parking structure/shield explodes! Cars and hundreds of little parking tickets fly past the Enterprise!

Riker:

What is happening to them?

Data:

Apparently, CIRT has deemed itself irrelevant.

Riker:

Hear, hear!

Geordi:

Captain, that whole thing is gonna blow. Recommend we haul our butts out of here!

Picard:

Excellent suggestion, Commander. Ensign, take us out of here, warp 9. Engage! (Does that funny thing with his hand)

Ensign:

Aye!

The Enterprise barely escapes utter destruction as the CIRT vessel explodes showering the Federation vessel with un-picked-up printouts from "dispatch".

Riker:

Well, we're safe.

Picard:

For now, at least. But who knows how many more of those vessels are out there, waiting to squeeze us out of space and wreak havok on our computing abilities for all time to come.

Data:

Interesting. Is this what they call overacting, Captain?

Picard:

Data?

Data:

Sir?

Picard:

Shut up!

Roll credits as the Enterprise streaks away, on a never ending search for GIFs of Beverly in compromising poses ...