A Captain's Carol

Goliath (grldl@StThomasU.ca). 3 December 1996

Narrator:

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship, not a creature was stirring, not even Jean-Luc. When all of a sudden from a beam from nowhere, appeared a big Klingon, all covered in hair ...

Picard and Riker are in Picard's ready room.

Riker:

Lovely night eh Captain?

Picard:

Bah ... Humbahg!

Riker:

(Warming his hands) Do you supposed I could increase the heat level in the room sir?

Picard:

What ... why?

Riker:

Well ... there's frost on my CONN PADD.

Picard:

BAAHHHH ... alright.

Riker:

Computer ... room temperature increase by 20 percent.

Picard glares at Riker.

Riker:

I mean ... 10 percent.

The two continue working.

Riker:

Sir, why are you writing with a feather?

Picard:

What? Oh ... that's the way I like it.

Riker:

The voice commands system would be ...

Picard:

Cratchit!

Riker:

Its Riker sir ...

Picard:

Whatevah ... mind your business!

Riker:

Yes sir.

Geordi enters.

Geordi:

MAAARY CHRISTMAS!

Picard:

BAH HUMBAHG I TELL YOU! Now get the hell out!

Geordi:

Oh uncle ... its Christmas.

Picard:

Uncle??? What have you been sniffing down in Engineering LaForge?

Riker:

What's that you got there Geordi?

Geordi:

Its the power converters from the warp coil.

Picard:

Don't we need those?

Geordi:

I uh ... (Runs out of room)

Picard:

Damn fool.

Riker:

Sir?

Picard:

What is it?

Riker:

Well ... Tomorrow is Christmas, and I was wondering if I could have the day off?

Picard Stops what he's doing and leans back in chair.

Riker:

Or maybe, just half the day?

Picard:

I think half a day will suffice.

Riker:

Yes sir ... thank you sir.

Picard:

Yes ... well ... its almost time to go ... I suppose you'll be wanting to go to your quartahs 3 minutes early?

Riker:

Well uh I ...

Picard:

Well ... alright. Just make sure you make up for it next week.

Riker:

Yes sir. (Leaves)

Picard:

Damn fool ... BAAAAHH ... Humbahg!

Later In Picard's Quarters.

Picard:

Ah ... time to get some winks!

Noise:

Clink!

Picard:

What the hell was that?

Noise:

Clink!

Picard:

Who's there?

A body beams in.

Picard:

Who?!?!

Figure:

Yes sir ... its me.

Picard:

Jacob Barkley?

Barkley:

Actually its Reginald, but that's not important. I'm here to give you a warning Captain.

Picard:

A warning. Do you know who you're talking to?

Barkley:

You need to change your ways Picard.

Picard:

Didn't I send you to anothah ship?

Barkley:

You must change your Captain etiquette.

Picard:

Yep ... (Rolls over)

Barkley:

You must become more kind and understanding towards your crew.

Picard:

zzzzzzzzz ...

Barkley:

You will be visited by 3 spirits!

Picard:

zzzzzzzzzz ...

Barkley:

Oh hell ... (Leaves)

In Picard's Quarters ... still.

Spirit:

Wake up Jean-Luc ... wake up.

Picard:

Un ... zzzz ... not now Numbah one ... zzzzz ...

Spirit:

Get up! (Nudges Picard)

Picard:

(Wakes up) hunh ... what ... Deanna?

Deanna:

No ... I am the Spirit of Captain's past.

Picard:

You mean like the Captain's who were Captain's before me ... like in Lion King?

Deanna:

No ... I mean your past.

Picard:

Oh. (In disappointment) I've been there. (Rolls over)

Deanna:

Yes ... but now its time to go back.

The two are transported into the past. At Starfleet Academy.

Picard:

What? ... I'm still in my jammies!

Deanna:

Don't worry ... no one can see us.

Picard:

Really? (Approaches a person) Hey there skippy, you look like you got hit in the face with a hot bag of nickels!

Man punches Picard.

Picard:

(Gets up) OW! I thought you said they couldn't see us!?!

Deanna:

Well ... you got cocky. Now come over here. You see there.

Picard:

Yes ... that's me ... just before I get stabbed by that big alien.

Deanna:

Yes ... You know why you got stabbed?

Picard:

He stahted a fight, and I finished it.

Deanna:

Yes ... but that's not why we're here. You see that girl near you?

Picard:

Yes ... that's ah ... um ...

Deanna:

Dana.

Picard:

Yes ... Dana. She and I were an item you know.

Deanna:

Yes I know and ...

Picard:

I did her too!

Deanna:

You're missing the point.

Picard:

Is that Permeethese Squares?

Deanna:

Oh the hell with this ... I'll let the other spirits handle it!

Brings Picard back to his Quarters.

Picard:

(Wakes up) Whoa! Dammit ... just a dream ... I was hoping to get back with that Dana chick ... oh well ...

Goes back to sleep. Another Spirit appears.

Spirit:

Captain ... wake up!

Picard:

NO ... I don't want to.

Spirit:

You must regain consciousness.

Picard:

What the hell ... DATA?

Data:

Actually sir I am your cognitive representation of the Spirit of your present.

Picard:

Present ... whaja get me?

Data:

No sir ... Present. As in Present time, or present existence. It is a recognised state of ...

Picard:

Enough Data ... I get it. So whassup?

Data:

We are going to observe your present.

The two appear on the bridge.

Data:

Recognise this place Captain?

Picard:

Uh ... hello Data ... Maybe its the Bridge?!?

Data:

Yes sir, but do you recognise the upcoming event?

Picard:

What am I a mind reader? I ...

The two observe Picard grabbing Geordi's visor and throwing it.

Picard:

Oh yes ... this is where I play boomerang with Geordi's Hairbraid thingy.

Data:

You are playing an unnecessarily cruel joke on Commander LaForge. Your attitude must change Captain, otherwise you will suffer the consequences.

Picard:

Oh, no ... whatcha gonna do ... shoot me?

Data cocks his eyebrow as Picard returns to his Quarters.

Picard:

(Wakes up) Whoa! ... Gotta stop drinking my tea so late at night.

Goes back to sleep. The final Spirit appears and pokes Picard.

Picard:

What (looks up) Whoa? ... Who?

A figure stands dressed like Death.

Picard:

Let me guess ... Worf right?

Spirit points to the window.

Picard:

What ... its just empty space ... what the ...

Picard sees people on the bridge celebrating ...

Riker:

Well, at least now we have a good reason to try and destroy them!

Picard watches as the Enterprise battles a Borg ship, and sees an image of Locutus, who in fact is him assimilated ... obviously.

Locutus:

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated

Picard:

Send me to the collective will they ... GOOD ... let me become a Borg ... I'll destroy them all! Celebrate my death will they? I'll show them!!

Figure unmasks himself.

Picard:

Q ... I should have known!

Q:

Well mon Capitain ... seems you need a little more convincing than your own demise, how about this ... If you don't start behaving correctly, then I'll let you live forever and force you to watch an eternity of Full House reruns and Olson twin movies!!!!!

Picard:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Picard:

(Wakes up Screaming) NOOOOOOO!!!!! It was all a dream ... think they can fool me do they ... well ... double duty for everyone!!

Voice of Q:

Jean-Luc ...

Picard:

Kidding ... I'll be good.

Next Day on the Bridge.

Picard:

Aftahnoon everyone!

No response ... bridge is empty.

Picard:

Oh ... that's right ... I gave them all the morning off. (Looks at ceiling) Attention all crew ... I've decided to give you the entire day off. Enjoy it. And I am now going to be more hospitable toward the needs of the crew, before my own needs. Picard out.

Picard goes back to bed.

Picard:

Ah ... now maybe I can dream about ... zzzzzzz ...

The Enterprise soon crashes into a large asteroid, destroying the entire ship, and all those on board.

Although this does not end the adventures of the Enterprise, due to the fact that this is an alternate reality :)