The Creeping Blahs

by The Cowboy 29 January 1988

Captain's log. (yawn) StirDate 3.14159. (yawn) Dear diary, due to a mumble mumble snore ...

The cast - er, crew of the Starclip Boobyprize was in trouble. Due to a break in the isolation of a single person, the entire crew had become infected with a dreaded disease known as "The Blahs." Nearly seventy percent of the crew was asleep on duty, a full twenty percent more than normal. Under orders from Stirfleet, the Boobyprize was ordered off its previous mission and sent to Valerie IV, a planet rich in hexatriticale, the Breakfast of Champions, and one of the few cures known.

They arrived at Valerie IV within the hour, but slept right past it. When they re-arrived several hours later, Mr. Zulu was awake enough to put the ship into standard orbit.

"We've arrived, Captain," stated the helmsman with cheer. Zulu was one of the few people on board who was cheerful enough to resist the Blahs, but that would not last long. After shaking his captain, James Q. Jerk, awake, he repeated his statement.

Jerk turned to his first officer, Skunk. After kicking the snoring Vulgarian several times, he got him to do a sensor scan. Skunks first words were not very encouraging.

"Captain," he stated evenly. "After a thorough sensor scan of the planet below I have come to the conclusion that it is NOT Valerie IV." He paused for a moment to indicate Ensign Gavel Wackov, asleep at the navigators post. "But we are in orbit around Connie XII, which contains small quantities of a strange substance known as Vitalis."

"This Vitalis?" asked Jerk, "Will it cure the Blahs?"

"I assume it will, Captain," was the answer, "Else why would the writer choose to throw it into the script at this point."

"Logical," Jerk admitted. "Alright, gather as many alert crewmen as you can and meet me in the xporter room. I'm going to Sickhay and get McCrotch."

After tripping over a snoring Snotty, chief engineer, in the turbolift, Jerk deposited him in the command chair and went to see Dr. Lenny "Moans" McCrotch. He found him reclined in Sickhay, trimming his shoe leather with one of his new scalpels. When he saw Jerk, he smiled, causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle up in a 'nice old man' way.

"Moans, we have a possible solution," Jerk began.

"Jus' a minute, Jimmy boy," Moans drawled. "I gotta uncrinkle mah eyes afore Ah c'n see you'ns." After doing so, he asked Jerk to explain. So as to save time, and give an excuse for a commercial, Jerk played a tape of his earlier conversation with Skunk. When they came back from the commercial, McCrotch was sceptical, but as he was the only one on the medical team awake, he had to bleam down.

Soon Jerk and McCrotch met Skunk in the xporter room, along with the only other fully alert crew member aboard, Lt. Denise (Sunshine) Benson, whose disposition would keep her awake long enough to bleam the landing party back, hopefully. After checking his gear, and getting Lt. Benson's cabin number, Jerk ordered bleam down.

They had just begun digging for the Vitalis when Jerk suddenly asked, "Hey, guys! You hear that?"

McCrotch drawled, "D'ya mean that canned music that always plays ev'rytime we're about to meet a new life form?"

"I believe, Doctor," stated Skunk, "the Captain is referring to that 500 Hertz hum coming from behind that paper-mache boulder." And, from around the very boulder he was pointing at came a very large robot.

"Halt!" stated the robot. Skunk, who had begun to run, paused only long enough to give the robot the Vulgarian salute, which consisted of holding up the middle finger of the left hand. Jerk raised his fizzler, which, of course, fizzled. Soon the robot had captured the party and relieved it of all weapons. It took them to a castle, which somehow Skunks sensor scans had not picked up. They were greeted by a middle-aged man. He was tall and slim. His straight black hair was slicked straight back. He wore a black cape with a red lining and when he smiled, Jerk noticed his teeth were pointed.

"I am Qwerty," said Qwerty. "Why have you trespassed on my property?"

This confused Jerk to no end, which left the explaining to Moans and Skunk. They quickly explained their need for Vitalis. Qwerty listened intently, then turned to his robot.

"Robbie," he ordered, "Gather as much Vitalis as you can and bring it here to me." After Robbie had left, he turned to the landing party. "I was a victim of the Blahs myself, once. I am only too happy to help." With that, he left.

"Somethin's not right here," moaned Moans. "I got a full bicorder scan of that feller and I'll be danged if'n I c'n be sure he's ev'n alive."

Jerk was beginning to worry. "Quick, Skunk," he said, "Say something logical to put us at ease."

"Sorry, Captain," stated Skunk flatly. "But Qwerty does resemble certain Earth myths concerning the undead and (pause for dramatic affect) vampires."

Jerk had had enough. "I've had enough," he said. "Let's get to the bottom of this. Skunk, you go look for our equipment. Moans, you look around for that Vitalis Robbie has been collecting. I'm going to try to find Qwerty."

He found Qwerty sitting up in his coffin, chug-alugging a pint of whole blood (type AB+). Qwerty sprang out onto the floor, and launched a vicious punch towards Jerk's mid section. Neatly blocking the blow with his stomach, Jerk managed to cause Qwerty to back off by vomiting on him. Qwerty slipped on the vomit and by some bizarre twist of plot devices, fell on a wooden stake which punctured his heart. Jerk headed for the door.

The door headed for Jerk, followed closely by Robbie the Robot, who picked up Jerk bodily and threw him across the room. Ripping a steel girder out of the wall, Robbie held it like a club and advanced on Jerk, who was doing a damn fine job of whining and begging. Jerk had just soiled his pants when a fizzler beam caught Robbie in the back of the head. Robbie flipped over several times, and landed face down, oil and gears leaking from the gaping hole in the back of his head. Skunk was standing in the doorway.

"Luckily, the author was too preoccupied with your struggle with the robot to deactivate my fizzler," he stated flatly.

Once back aboard the Boobyprize, McCrotch administered a healthy dose of Vitalis to each of the sleeping crew members. Not only did it make them alert (or as alert as they were ever going to get) but it also held their hair in place easily. Soon, they were ready to return to their assigned patrol.

Jerk sat in his command chair while his key officers gathered around him for the 'end of the episode discussion.' "So," Jerk was saying, "Qwerty planned to give us the Vitalis pretending to help. After he cured us, he was going to ask us to bleam down for a party, and then kill us off one by one (all 430 of us) and drink our blood."

"Highly unlikely, Captain," quoth the Vulgarian. "Research of Stirfleet data indicates that Qwerty was a harmless recluse, who bought his blood wholesale on Gamma Hydra VI, which I believe has a surplus."

"That may be so, Skunk," stated the Captain. "But my report will look better. Also, the networks will never let us air an episode in which we kill off anyone who didn't deserve to die anyway."

"That is highly illogical, Captain," Skunk stated.

"What he's trying to say, Skunk," Moans put in, "is that logic has little place in the television industry."

"Doctor, would you like to step outside for a lesson in Vulgarian Judo?"

"Why you pointy-eared half breed with a #@%^^&** and a #$$%@@# up your @@#%&..."

"Let's go home, Zulu," Jerk whispered to the helmsman, who pressed the "let's go home" button. The Boobyprize sailed majestically out into deep space, with only the occasional closing credit to dodge.