Bizarre Trek

by Sandra Guzdek (v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu)
Copyright 1992 by Sandra G. Don't even think about scamming it.

Cast of characters- Everybody's the same, except there is a reversal of personality; Riker is like Doug Winer (of the SNL Doug and Wendy Winer fame).

Outer space, the Enterprise zooming about carelessly.

Picard:

Captain's log ... oh, sometime in June, 24th Century, blah, blah, blah. Right now we're joy ridin' this babee. Hell of a time actually!

Scene changes to interior of Captain's ready room where Picard is admiring a row of toupees perched upon mannequin heads. He seems ready to choose one for the day when the ship begins to rattle. Picard runs stumbling towards the door; as he does so a bacherloresque boudoir on the far side of the ready room flashes by. He hits a button, which brings down a false wall to conceal it, and leaves. Picard bursts onto the main bridge.

Picard:

What's going on here? Someone let Wesley drive again?

Cut to Wesley, played by Ferris Bueller, who is fast asleep on the console. Everyone on the bridge is nonchalant and non attentive.

Picard:

Why won't someone give me an answer?

Data:

(With a shrug) I don't know.

Troi:

(Yawning. She is dressed like a typical Dead fan, down to a threaded gold band around her head and a jingling ankle bracelet) And I don't care.

Wesley jerks awake. A pool of drool is on the console where his head was.

Worf:

(Face twisted in agonising thought) What is the answer anyhow? What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of this action in the scheme of it all? Why are we here? Why ... (he continues rambling).

Ensign:

(Played by the effeminate but bizarre air traffic controller in the movie Airplane, singing) Why do birds suddenly appear ... Everytime you are near ... ?

Riker:

(In a whisper) Worf, you know how it turns me on to hear you talk like that ...

Worf continues agonising.

Picard:

Mr. LaForge, are we being attacked or what?

Geordi voice:

What? WHAT?

Picard:

(With a sigh) Never mind, I forget you can't hear a damn thing I say ...

Geordi:

WHAT? WHAT?

Picard:

(Yelling at the top of his voice) PICARD OUT!!!

A spark of genius lights on Troi's face.

Troi:

Heeeyyyyyyyy! How about the view screen?

Picard:

Good thinking, dollface. Viewscreen up!

Two Ensigns come in with a projector screen and proceed to assemble it. When they are through, a large fish-shaped vessel can be seen in the starfield before them. Wesley licks his palms.

Wesley:

(Offering his palms as evidence) Captain, I think I need to go to sick bay.

Picard:

(Impatiently) Get the hell outta here.

Crew cheers as he leaves. Turning back to the screen, Picard seems annoyed.

Picard:

Destroy that ... ship. NOW.

Worf:

But sir, shouldn't we see if they're ...

Picard:

(Pissed, lets out an impatient breath) You and your ... diplomacy. Oh all right. Sound red alert, however.

All:

Klax---on! (... and clap twice).

Riker:

(Covering ears) Ooooh, I HATE that noise ...

Troi:

(To Riker, roughly) Oh, DEAL with it.

A beep is heard from Worf's console.

Worf:

(Excitedly) They're hailing us! They're hailing us!

Picard:

Stand down from red alert.

All:

Klax---off! (crew clap twice).

Picard:

On screen, Mr. Worf.

On the screen appears a regal figure surrounded by several peons.

Picard:

(Standing akimbo) I'm Jean-Luc Picard, captain of this vessel. Who the hell are you?

King:

I am Ar-the, king of the B'tins.

Picard:

(Puzzled) King of the who?

King:

King of the B'tins.

Picard:

Who are the B'tins?

Peon 1:

(Standing next to king) We are all B'tins, and he is our king. (He makes a sweeping gesture).

Peon 2:

(Aside) Well, I didn't vote for him.

Peon 3:

(Aside to 2) You don't VOTE for king ...

Picard:

ENOUGH! Tell us what you want. You're in federation territory and we can blow you into tiny bits if we want to.

Riker:

(Aside) Well, sir, we can't blow them up ...

Picard:

(Hotly) Then we'll severely maim them.

Riker:

SIR ...

Picard:

(Explodes) We'll shoot at the space around them then, number two! Are you HAPPY? (Riker cringes visibly).

King clears his throat.

Picard:

(To King) Sorry.

Worf embarrassedly covers his face with his hand and shakes his head. At this moment Beverly appears from the turbolift, dressed in a low cut/hi-rising outfit, if-ya-know-what-i-mean. She walks over to Picard.

Beverly:

(Seductively) Jean-Luc, you ... wanted me?

Picard:

(Out of the side of his mouth) Not now, twizzle-toes.

Beverly:

I'll wait for you in your ... ready-room. (She smiles at the last word).

King:

Wait! It is she!!!

Beverly is confused.

King:

It is the great one ... Loretta! Come with us, o Loretta, and all of this will be yours! (Makes a sweeping gesture).

Beverly:

What, the furniture?

King appears angry. He then chatters something in a foreign tongue, and suddenly Beverly disappears with a horrified look on her face.

Beverly:

(As she dematerialises) Jean-Luuuuuuuuuuuuuu ... ... ... ...

The alien ship also disappears, without a trace.

Picard:

(In shock) Love puppy!

Picard sits in his chair, his clothing dishevelled.

Picard:

Mr. Data, any signs that the alien ship is still out there?

Data:

(Leaning back in his chair) Tell me, sir, do you SEE a ship out there?

Picard:

Uh, no ...

Data:

(Triumphantly) Well, then!

Picard:

(Turning red with temper and embarrassment, turns to crew) FIND THAT FISH!!!!!!

Scene - exterior of ship.

Picard:

(Voice only, full of remorse) Captain's log, supplemental. Sweetlips, er, I mean Beverly, has just been swept up by a strange race of aliens called the B'tins. They apparently think, as I do, that she is a goddess of some sort ...

Cut to bridge, where Picard is seen exiting from the ready room.

Picard:

Mr. LaForge, anything?

Geordi:

(Voice only) Captain, I'm picking up strange readings around the Nutra system.

Picard:

(Hopeful) Do you think it's the enemy ship?

Geordi:

What?

Picard:

(Angrily) The FISH! Do you think it's the fish!?!

Geordi:

Possibly. But I think it's the enemy ship we're sensing.

Picard:

PICARD OUT. (He storms over towards Troi, mumbling). When the hell is he going to get his H.E.A.D.P.H.O.N.E. fixed??? (Turns to Troi) Counsellor, when they were on screen, did you get any feelings of malice towards Beverly?

Troi:

And why should THEY have to be on screen for me ... ? Oh, malice from THEM ... well, what do I look like, a mind-reader? (She dons a pair of round framed sunglasses and kicks back with Jack Kerouac's "On the road").

Picard turns to a not-before-seen ensign at a console, overlooking Worf's shoulder.

Picard:

Who are you?

Anson:

I'm ensign Anson, sir.

Picard:

What are you doing on the bridge?

Anson:

I'm the requisite expendable ensign that will get phasered later on in the show, sir.

Picard:

Oh. Fine job, keep it up. (He pats Anson on the back, then goes to sit in his chair, and starts playing with the craftmatic-like controls). Ensign, set a course for the Nutra system, warp 3.

Riker:

Uh, 5, sir.

Picard:

Warp 5. Engage. (Pauses as they leap forward in space). Well ... the most we can do is wait.

Hours pass.

Data:

(Tiredly) What now, sir?

Picard:

(Looking anxious and restless) Let's ... step up to red alert, then back down again. Evacuate all upper decks, and then as soon as they're out, tell 'em to report to stations. That'll amuse us and keep them on their toes.

Riker:

(With a goofy grin) All RIGHT!

The crew is poised and ready to clap-on when a beep is heard from Worf's console.

Worf:

Sir, we're being hailed again.

Pan to his right where a group of officers are on their knees, kowtowing to the crew.

Picard:

(Under his breath) Damnable timing. (Louder) Ah, I suppose we should open a channel.

Everyone on the deck pulls out a can of beer and cracks it open.

Picard:

I said a channel, not a Budweiser.

Troi:

But they do sound so similar, sir. Sorry.

Screen flashes on to reveal the interior of the female locker room on board the Enterprise. Flustered, Picard presses a button and the regal figure of the alien king replaces it.

King:

Silly Picard-captain. You think you can just take back our queen. MY queen. You are very wrong!

Beverly comes proudly out, adorned in rich fabrics and gold and jewels. Her outfit is also VERY sexy.

Picard:

(To himself) Yowsa.

Beverly:

Hello, Jean-Luc.

Picard:

(Slapping his communicator) Chief O'Brien, lock on ...

Beverly:

(Wearily) Don't bother. I'm sick of sitting around, day in, day out, waiting for YOU. My king here will give me whatever I want, and compared to you, he's got one of the biggest ...

Picard:

BEVERLY!

Beverly:

... shiniest chrome-domes that I've seen in the galaxy.

King removes regal head gear. His head glows, radiates like a supernova. All of the crew's eyes are wide with disbelief.

Data:

My gosh, I didn't think that possible ...

Picard seethes.

Beverly:

Goodbye, Picard. Better luck with Deanna.

Troi:

(Under her breath, not looking up from her book) Fat chance, cue-ball.

Picard's face distorts in the realisation of something very important.

Picard:

O'Brien ... NOW!

All at once, Beverly appears beside Picard.

Picard:

Shields up!

Crew all throw bars of deodorant soap into the air.

King:

What is the meaning of this?

Data:

If you don't know what "this" means, you really ought not to be the king ...

Worf:

(Standing, arms in the air) What is the meaning of any of this? Why must one being be at odds with another? Why must we fight? Are we not all mortal, do we not all bleed?

All:

SHUT UP!

Beverly rubs her head, and looks disoriented.

Beverly:

What's happened?

Picard:

Buttertongue, you're back on the Enterprise. (Lowers volume). Go wait for me in the ready room ... I'll ... give you a ... complete physical ... make sure they haven't hurt you anywhere ... (the side of his mouth is curled up in a grin).

Beverly smiles, and scoots away joyfully.

Data:

(Aside to Riker) Cappy's getting it ...

King:

So, how did you know?

Data:

Well ... it is pretty obvious ...

King:

No, I meant, how did you know Beverly was ...

Picard:

(Proudly) Under a strange influence? Simple. When she's dressed as she is, she's not physically able to call me anything other than Jean-Luc ... but she called me "Picard"; and I knew something was wrong.

King:

Rats! If it hadn't been for you meddling ...

Picard:

Get the hell outta my space. (Channel closes). Ensign Anson, put us on a course for the Sega-Genesis system. (He tugs down his shirt and heads for ready-room).

Anson:

But sir, what about ... ?

Picard:

Oh, RIGHT. (Pulls out a phaser and zaps him).

Anson:

(In a dying croak) Carry on, sir.

Picard:

Riker, you have the bridge.

Riker:

(Whining, pouting) But I don't WANT the bridge!

Data:

(Wearily) I'll drive.

Picard:

(With an anticipatory grin on his face) ENGAGE.