Androids and the Women Who Love Them

by Jadenlore 28 January 1998

Star Trek is owned by Paramount, not me. Jerry Springer is owned by Jerry Springer, not me. Paramount, please don't make me be a guest on the Jerry Springer show for writing this, ok? This is rated PG-13 for a touch of language and, well, all the stuff you can see on any daytime talk show (beatings, sordid details, etc.). No, there really isn't anything canon in this, but, hey, it's a parody! Thanx to Espressivo who inadvertently gave me the idea for this story yesterday.

Fade up on the "Jerry Springer IX Show." Our host, Jerry, stands facing the camera.

Jerry:

Today on our show, we'll meet women that have gotten involved with an android, and hear the secrets they have to tell.

Audience cheers, applauds. Jerry moves to a safe spot nestled within the audience.

Jerry:

I'd like you to meet our first guest, Tasha. Hello Tasha, welcome to the show.

Tasha:

Hi Jerry.

Jerry:

You became involved with Data, the android, when?

Tasha:

Well, Jerry, this is how it happened. See, we were respondin' to this distress call from this Starship. We accidentally caught this virus-thingie which made everyone on the ship act all drunk 'n stuff. Next thing ya know, Data's all taking advantage of me.

Under Tasha, the banner "Tasha - is here to confront cheating boyfriend" appears for the audience at home.

Jerry:

So did you ... ?

Tasha:

Yeah, we did it. He's pretty good, too. We've been together ever since.

Jerry:

So, what's the problem?

Tasha:

He's cheatin' on me with this little Betazoid bitch. I've seen them together. He's playin' me.

Jerry:

Well, let's bring out your boyfriend, Data and hear what he has to say about this.

Data comes onto the stage. The audience boos and claps. Data sits in the chair next to Tasha.

Jerry:

Welcome to the show Data.

Data:

It is good to be here, Jerry.

Jerry:

Have you heard Tasha's allegations against you?

Data:

Yes, I have been listening. However, Tasha should know Dean ... Counselor Troi and I have a professional relationship.

Tasha:

Bull<bleep>! I saw you together just last week! You were going into her quarters!

Data:

I was going into her quarters to look at her new plant, a rare specimen from the Boringa System, which is ...

Under Data the banner "Data - Just accused by Tasha of cheating with co-worker" appears.

Tasha:

Oh, right, that's a likely excuse.

Data:

It is the truth. And about your earlier comments: I did not take advantage of you. As I recall it was something quite the opposite. (Audience goes "oooohhh") And you did not want to acknowledge the incident for weeks afterward!

Tasha:

Data, you're such a liar.

Jerry:

I thought androids were incapable of lying, Tasha.

Tasha:

Not when the have the emotion upgrade.

Audience goes "oooh" at Data.

Jerry:

Well, let's bring out the woman in question. Deanna, come on out!

Audience cheers, boos, claps and makes wolf-whistles at Deanna's appearance. As she approaches her chair, Tasha suddenly launches herself at the stunned Betazoid, grabbing her thick hair with one hand and wildly slapping and flailing with the other. As security pull the two women apart, Tasha holds up her trophy of some of Deanna's hair extensions.

Jerry:

We'll be right back after this break to find out if Data really has been cheating on Tasha!

Jerry:

Welcome back to the show. In case you've just joined us, Tasha is accusing her boyfriend Data, an android, of cheating on her with his co-worker Deanna. Deanna, welcome to the show.

Shot of stage reveals Deanna's chair has been moved far away from Data and Tasha.

Deanna:

Thank you, Jerry.

Deanna shoots Tasha a dirty look. Her hair is disheveled and she looks shaken.

Jerry:

Well, is there any truth to Tasha's accusations?

Deanna:

Yes, there is. (Audience gasps) Data and I have been lovers for as long as he's been with you, Tasha.

Under Deanna, a banner appears saying "Deanna - just admitted to friend Tasha that she's been having an affair with Data."

Data:

I have most certainly have not been with this woman. Tasha, you must believe me.

Tasha:

How could you run around on me with that ... bitch! I can't believe it's true!

Data:

But honey, I ...

Deanna:

Data, how can you deny our love?

Data:

I ... I ... am not programmed for this ...

Tasha:

Shut the <bleep> up! You're never gonna see him again! You'll have to come through me!

Deanna:

Yes I will! He loves me more than you! He needs his "counselling" sessions! He came to get one last night!

Tasha:

No he didn't, he was with me!

Deanna:

He came to see me in my starbase quarters last night when you fell asleep!

Audience makes a collective "awwwww" sound.

Tasha:

You <bleep>!

Deanna:

You're the <bleep>!

The women start arguing over each other and no one can hear a word of what the are saying. Audiences at home hear nothing but a series of <bleeps>. There are shots of the audience members laughing as the two women insult each other. Data looks like he wants to interject, but can't get a word in edgewise. Suddenly, Deanna and Tasha are up and fighting again, pulling hair and lashing out. Security jumps onstage to pull the women apart after pausing to boost the ratings. Deanna takes off her shoe and sends it sailing at Tasha's head. Tasha uses her security training to escape the grip of the guard and go chasing after her rival with her arms open in a posture meant to strangle someone. A guard catches her just as she hits Deanna with a left to the jaw. The audience is going crazy, jumping from their seats and chanting "Jerry! Jerry!" while pumping their fists. Finally, Deanna and Tasha are placed in their seats and told to behave.

Jerry:

Well ... (audience laughs) We have to take a break, but when we come back ... Data has a secret to tell!

Tasha and Deanna shoot evil looks at the android, who is staring down at his lap, praying he never has to look Tasha in the eye again.

Jerry:

Welcome back to the show! If you've just joined us, Tasha has accused Data of sleeping with Deanna, his co-worker. Deanna also claims to be the android's lover, but Data still denies it. Data also has a secret he wants to share. Data?

Data is still looking down at his lap, not wanting to face the penetrating stare of Tasha, who is already pretty pissed. The audience now notices there is another chair on the stage.

Data:

Well, Tasha, sweetheart ... Deanna ... I have something to tell you both ...

Tasha:

What?!

Data:

(Looking up) Well, you know all of those times I was with you ... (facing Deanna) and you?

Tasha:

So you admit it! You <bleep> bastard!

Tasha smacks Data upside the head. Audience goes "oooooh."

Data:

I deserved that. Anyway, those times I was with both of you ... well, it wasn't always me.

Tasha and Deanna:

What!!!??? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Jerry:

Let's see who it was! Come on out!

The audience cheers and claps as Data's identical twin takes the stage. This android has a distinctly smug look on his face.

At this point, all hell breaks loose. Tasha grabs Data by the hair and loosens his skullcap, pulling it off and sending it flying into the air. Deanna throws herself at Lore, jumping on his back and pounding him on the head and shoulders. <Bleeps> abound as security tries to remove the women from the androids they are pounding on. Tasha is separated from Data, who is scrambling around looking for his missing headpiece, the lights on his skull flashing furiously. Tasha is dragged past a chair by the Klingon guard, but she manages to grab it and hurl it in the general direction of the androids. Lore manages to block it, but it hits Data as it is deflected. Deanna is pulled off Lore, who is restraining himself from not damaging someone permanently. All the while the audience is whooping and screaming for more. Finally, order is restored.

Jerry:

(Ahem) And who are you?

Lore:

I'm Lore, Data's "brother."

Jerry:

And how long has this been going on?

Lore:

Coupl'a years, I guess.

Under Lore the banner "Lore - Data's twin brother - Just admitted to sleeping with Deanna and Tasha" appears.

Jerry:

I see. What's going to happen now between all of you?

Tasha:

I'm putting in for reassignment a.s.a.p. He's been kicked to the curb! Just wait'll Captain Picard hears about this!

Her eyes spit venom at the androids.

Deanna:

I'm putting in for reassignment, too. No more counselling for you. And just wait 'till Will hears about this!

Jerry:

And you, Data?

Data:

(Looking sorry for himself) I do not know ... maybe they will take my brother and I on Risa.

Jerry:

Coming up next: A woman who is pregnant by two different species! How will she explain it to her husband, who is not the father of either one? Next, on the Jerry Springer IX Show!