A Galaxy Far, Far Away

by Seth Meyer (smeyer@topaz.rutgers.edu) 15 March 1988

Picard:

Captain's log, 43258.2. While playing with our warp engines, Wesley has warped us into yet another uncharted region of our galaxy.

Data:

Sir, if we were to travel at warp nine, back to Earth, it would take 2 months, 2 weeks, 13 days, 35 hours, 64 minutes 92 seconds, 10 millise ...

Riker:

Data!

Data:

Yes, sir?

Riker:

How did you make it through the academy without being able to simplify something as simple as time?

Data:

Cheat, fudge, lie, brown-nose, copy, sneak, conce ...

Riker:

Data.

Geordi:

Data, you could have said 2 months, 4 weeks, 11 hours, 5 minutes, and 34 seconds.

Wesley:

No sir. Its 2 months, 5 weeks, 12 hours, 5 minutes, and 32 seconds.

Geordi:

Are you sure?

Wesley nods.

Worf:

Captain. There is a small spacecraft approaching.

Picard:

Lt. Yar, open hailing frequencies ... Tasha?

Worf:

Respectfully speaking, sir, but she is dead. Remember the incident with you sending her out in the shuttlecraft? A shame. She was a strong woman.

Data:

(To himself) ... and also sexually stimulating.

Picard:

(Scratching his bald head) Oh ... right! Worf open hailing frequencies. This is Captain Jean-Luc Pica ...

Worf:

Hailing frequencies open now sir.

Picard:

Oh ... ahem! This is Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise. Identify yourselves!

Voice:

You speak English!?

Picard:

We haven't met an alien race that didn't.

Voice:

We need some assistance here. Hyperdrive out and all.

Picard:

Hi-per-who?

Voice:

Hyperdrive! Don't you have hyperdrive?

Picard:

Hold on a sec, willya? (Signals to Worf, who shuts off communications. He looks up at ceiling and proceeds to talk to it) Picard to Engineering!

Chief Engineer 31:

Tyler here, go ahead Captain.

Picard:

(Still yelling towards ceiling) Do we have 'hyperdrive'?

Chief Engineer 31:

Hold on, sir. (pause) Of the Engineers on the ship, 34 say 'no' and 33 say 'yes'.

Picard:

(Yelling towards ceiling) Thank you. (Looks at bridge crew) Anyone have any suggestions?

Riker:

Yes, we have hyperdrive.

Geordi:

No, there ain't no such thing.

Data:

I do not believe we have hyperdrive, sir.

Everyone looks at Worf.

Worf:

With all due respect, I could care less.

Picard:

What about you counsellor?

Troi:

I feel a disturbance in some force around us.

Picard:

Sigh. Never mind, counsellor. (Looks at bridge crew) What should I tell them?

Wesley:

Sir, I've been reading some manuals on the Enterprise, and it does not have anything called 'hyperdrive'.

Picard:

Very good, Wesley. Maybe you'll get into the academy some day. Now shut up! Worf, open frequencies. (In a louder voice ...) No, we do not ha ...

Worf:

Hailing frequencies open, sir.

Picard:

... ha-ha-have ... ahem! No, we do not have hyperdrive.

Voice:

Never mind. Do you have a tractor beam to tow us to the nearest spacedock?

Puzzled, Picard looks at everyone on the bridge, who exchange puzzled glances. Everyone looks at Wesley who nods 'yes'. The rest of the bridge nods.

Picard:

Uh, yes, we have a tractor beam. Wesley, activate tractor beam.

Wesley:

Aye-aye skipper! Tractor beams are my speciality!

Picard:

Shut up, Wesley!

In Transporter Room 3.

Picard:

What is it Riker? You have that stupid grin on your face again.

Riker:

Oh nothing sir ... just thinking.

Transporter Chief:

Ready to beam them up, sir.

Picard:

Make it so.

Four figures appear. Two are male, one female, and one is animal-like.

First man:

Whoa! Neat way to travel. I'm Han Solo, This is Luke Skywalker ...

Luke:

Hello.

Solo:

... my fiancé, Princess Leia ...

Leia:

(To Solo) ... fiancé!? You've got to be kidding!?!

Solo:

... and my companion Chewbacca. Say 'hi' Chewie.

Chewie:

GRRRRRGGG! RORWROWROOO!

Picard:

I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and this is my first officer Riker.

Riker grins and nods.

Picard:

Welcome aboard the Enterprise.

Cut to the bridge. The turbo lift doors open and Picard, Riker, and the strange crew step out.

Picard:

... and this is our bridge.

Solo:

Whoa! It's huge.

Chewbacca stands ominously over Data.

Data:

Excuse me, sir, but you're shedding all over my console.

Chewie:

ARRRGGG!

Solo:

Easy, Chewie.

Picard:

Solo. There are no animals permitted on the bridge ...

Chewbacca grabs Picard's neck and lifts him three feet above the ground.

Picard:

(Choking) Gasp ... so I don't think ... gasp ... you'll have to worry about Chewie getting fleas. (He falls to the ground, rubbing his neck).

Worf:

Captain, I suggest you look at the viewscreen.

Picard:

It looks like a small moon.

Troi:

I sense a feeling of many, many minds.

Data:

There are no records of any such moon.

Solo:

That's not just any moon.

Overwhelming music.

Geordi:

There are definite life forms on this moon.

Solo:

Endor!

Everyone on the bridge exchanges puzzled glances.

Riker:

In who?

Solo:

Endor! That moon of Endor has Ewoks on it.

Picard:

Who walks?

Solo:

(Getting frustrated) Ewoks! Furry animal creatures.

Chewie:

AAARRRGG!

Solo:

Sorry; little furry animal creatures.

Riker:

Tribbles?

Luke:

(Finally speaking, interrupting) I sense a great disturbance in the force. I believe we're in danger.

Worf:

(Murmuring to himself) Not ANOTHER Betazoid.

Troi:

I agree. We are in danger.

Luke and Troi stare at each other.

Luke:

Are you a Jedi, like my father?

Troi:

No, I never heard of a jet-aye. Are you Betazoid, like my mother?

Luke:

Not that I know of.

Worf:

(Interrupting) Approaching another moon of Endor.

Riker:

Full stop, Geordi!

Geordi:

Aye, sir.

Leia:

Oh no!

Chewie:

AAARRRGG!

Wesley:

Oh neat! That's a self propelled ion-powered armed battle-station!

Picard:

Shut up Wesley!

Wesley:

But ...

Beverly:

(Over intercom) Sickbay to Bridge.

Picard:

(Still looking at viewscreen) Picard here. Doctor, this better be important. We might have a crises on our hands.

Beverly:

I know. I was therefore expecting you to drop by.

Picard:

Not now Doctor. Picard out.

Luke:

You shouldn't be so hard on the boy. He is quite correct. That is a battle station.

Data:

We are being pulled towards the station.

Picard:

A tractor beam?

Wesley:

Duh ...

Solo:

Oh no ... tie fighters!!

Riker:

Geordi, shields and deflectors up!

Geordi:

Shields and deflectors up, sir.

Blasters fire from the tie-fighters, hitting the Enterprise in various areas.

Picard:

(Yelling at ceiling) Picard to Engineering!

Chief Engineer 43:

Engineering, Duncan speaking!

Picard:

Damage report!

Chief Engineer 43:

Shields down 0.75%, deflectors still at 100%.

Picard:

Shields down 75%?!?

Chief Engineer 43:

Read my lips, 0.75%! Y'know? Like less than 1% ... like our shields are at 99.25% strength ...

Picard:

Oh ... thanks. Picard out. Geordi, fire warning shots. Let them know what we're capable of.

Luke:

(Aside to Solo) Have you figured out who does what job here?

Solo nods 'no'.

Geordi:

Torpedo's away, sir.

pftttt ... pftttt ... pftttt ... pftttt ... pftttt ... pftttt ... pftttt ... pftttt
seconds later
kabloom ... kabloom ... kabloom ... kabloom ... kabloom ... kabloom ... kabloom.

Solo:

(Thinking to himself) 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ... huh? I thought they fired eight torpedoes?

Data:

All torpedoes have hit the battle-station.

Worf:

Tractor beam has stopped.

Riker:

Geordi! The captain told you to fire warning shots! Report!

Geordi:

(Smiling coyly) What do you expect from a blind man?

Luke & Troi:

I sense great anger.

Data:

Space station turning and scanners detect it powering up.

Worf:

Shields and deflectors are at 100%, sir.

Picard:

Any suggestions?

The Death Star fires its death beam, a beam powerful enough to destroy a planet. The ship shakes violently.

Picard:

Worf, Damage report!

Worf:

Shields are down to 48%. Sir, we cannot take another shot.

Picard:

Worf send the following in all languages and in all frequencies: "We surrender."

Worf:

Tie fighters breaking off and another small vessel approaching.

Data:

It's docking now in shuttle craft bay 4.

Picard:

Riker, Troi, Solo; come with me. (Enters turbo lift).

Computer:

Location?

Picard:

Shuttle craft Bay.

Computer:

Number?

Picard:

Four.

The doors slide closed and seconds pass.

Picard:

Does either of you know what we're up against?

Troi:

I sense a very powerful mind.

Solo:

His name is Darth Vader.

Picard:

That's interesting. Luke and Leia called him 'Dad'.

Riker:

It might be some sort of deception on their part.

Troi:

... or they might think that he really is their father.

Picard:

(Sarcastically to Troi) Such mistakes are known to happen...

Turbo lift doors open, conveniently after the conversation has been completed.

Vader:

(Sound effects of Vader breathing).

Picard:

I demand to know why you have fired on our ship!

Vader:

You demand? (Vader looks at Picard, who begins to choke from some mysterious cause).

Solo:

You scum! (Firing several blaster shots at Vader, who deflects them with his hand).

Riker:

Let me try with a man's weapon.

Riker fires a phaser shot, which Vader attempts to stop with his hand, but fails, as the phaser shot makes a hole through his hand.

Vader:

ARG!

Troi:

Stop this violence!

Vader:

Something different about you little lady. The force is strong within you. You have potential. Hmmm ... But first ... (takes out light sabre, aims it at Riker, and is about to strike him, when the sabre switches off, and he falls to the ground).

Vader:

AAAEEII!!

Riker:

(Breathing heavily) Thanks Captain.

Picard:

I did nothing. Counsellor? Solo?

Troi:

I don't know, sir, but he had something devious in mind for me.

Solo simply shrugs his shoulders.

Picard:

(Yelling at ceiling) Picard to Dr. Crusher, medical emergency! Shuttle craft Bay 5!

Solo:

Four.

Picard:

(Yelling at ceiling) Make that Shuttle craft Bay 4. Picard to bridge.

Data:

Data here.

Picard:

Report!

Data:

Shields restored to 78.6823%. Sir ... Wesley would like to speak to you.

Picard:

(Still yelling at ceiling) Sigh. Go ahead, Wes.

Wesley:

Sir, I want to inform you that I was playing around with the computer, when I discovered a strange new computerised device in shuttle craft bay 4. I don't know what it was but I deactivated it.

Picard:

(Yelling at ceiling) Look, Wes. Don't disturb me with trivial stuff like that. Just find some dilithium crystals to play with and leave me alone. Picard out.

Solo:

Picard! He deactivated Darth Vader! Wesley saved your first officer's life!

Suddenly, Q appears.

Q:

So. Do you still deny that you are a savage race?

Solo fires a few blaster shots at Q, who dies.

Picard:

I didn't think you could shoot him!

Riker:

Well, if you recall, Q did freeze Lt. Torres when he was about to stun him.

Troi:

He therefore could be shot, because I had sensed a brief feeling of fear emanating from him.

Solo:

(Aside, to Picard) Are you sure she's not a Jedi?

Picard:

I don't believe it!

Riker:

Sir?

Picard:

We actually figured something out without the help of Wesley!

Troi:

Well you've done that before. Recall in the episode called 11001010?

Riker:

No, I think it was called 10101010.

Picard:

(Once again, yelling at ceiling) Picard to bridge! What was the episode with the binars?

Geordi:

11101001?

Worf:

201?

Data:

11001001.

Wesley:

No, no, no! It's 11000110.

Data:

Sir, I recall every piece of information I am exposed to. The number was 11001001.

Picard:

(Yelling at florescent lights) Thanks, all. It's 11000110, (Thinking that Wesley must be right) Troi. I was there, so I know.

Riker:

Yeah, but the only reason we figured it out was because we were pressed for time in 10110001. Now, we are not pressed for time.

Troi:

With all our attention on the binar episode, we should be more attentive to the new ship approaching.

Solo:

Oh No! It's the Emperor.

Picard:

(Yelling at ceiling) Now hear this! Red alert, this is a red alert! Separate saucer section! Klaxon on loud! Arm torpedoes and phasers on full! Everyone to their assigned cabins! Children first! Close all shopping areas! Evacuate pool area! Evacuate antigravity gym! Secure everyone in safety belts! Cancel sale at Halley's. All personnel wearing jewellery should ...

Riker:

Excuse me, sir. (Yells at ceiling) The girls in my cabin should go back to their own cabins. (The sound of disappointed groans can be heard ... Riker blushes) Holodeck, stop prostitute program. (Turns to Picard) Thank you sir. (Grins).

Solo:

Are we gonna just stand here or do you have a plan?

Picard:

Of course I have a plan! Riker?

Riker:

Sir?

Picard:

The plan, Riker. Tell him what the plan is.

Riker:

Are we surrendering?

Solo:

Would you stop yapping and get a plan together.

Picard:

I wasn't planing on surrendering? Counsellor?

Troi:

I think we should fight him.

Picard:

Fight? Troi, that's the last thing I would expect to hear from you.

Solo:

(Grabbing Riker's and Picard's phasers) I'll handle this my way.

Troi:

This mind I sense is very powerful ... very old and evil ... He would never give in unless he died.

The doors open as Luke enters the shuttlecraft bay.

Picard:

Ah! Glad you came in. Welcome.

Solo:

Luke. The ...

Luke:

... emperor is coming. Yes I felt him.

Picard, Riker, and Troi look at each other in amazement. They move away from Luke slowly.

Yar:

Sir, the shuttlecraft door in Bay 3 has been opened and detectors sense one life form is in there.

Picard:

Quickly! Everyone to docking Bay 4!

Riker:

Four?

Troi:

Sir ...

Solo exits.

Picard:

Yeah. Didn't you just hear what Yar just said?

Troi:

(Impatiently) Sir ...

Riker:

She said three ... not four.

Picard:

Well ... err ... I thought that we could surprise him when he came by docking bay four.

Troi:

(Almost yelling) Sir!

Picard:

(Whining) What!?

Troi:

Yar is supposed to be dead!

Luke nods his head and smiles at the stupidity of the Captain and first officer.

Luke:

Maybe it was the force.

Leaves in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Everyone else shrugs shoulders and follow Luke.

Emperor:

So, Luke ... we meet for the first time for the last time.

Luke:

Sorry Emperor, but this is Star Trek and Star Wars. You are sure to lose here. Even saying lines from Spaceballs won't help you now. (Light sabre is ignited. Wooooozzzzz).

Emperor:

Ah, lets party! (Light sabre is ignited. Wooooozzzzz).

Woozzz wizzz crackle, fizzzzz, wozzzzoozozzoooo

Luke:

Give up Emperor. I have the good force.

Rest of crew looks on in awe.

Emperor:

I'm not even working up a sweat. This is too easy.

Solo:

You want to sweat a little? (Fires phaser at Emperor. bweeeepppp!)

Emperor:

Ow.

He gestures toward Solo, who is somehow lifted off the ground and slams into the wall. Luke takes advantage of the situation, and hits the emperor in the side with the sabre.

Picard & Riker:

Yay!!!!! Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke!!!!

Luke:

Victory is mine, evil emperor.

Emperor:

Shit! My new robe is messed up! You will pay for this! (Holds hands toward toward Luke and bolts of energy shoot out and hit Luke).

Luke:

AAEEEIII!!!!

Emperor:

Heh, heh, heh.

Energy bolts continue. Picard, Riker and Troi look on with shock.

Troi:

Stop! Please!

Troi is lifted into the air and lands next to Luke and now also is hit by the energy bolts.

Luke:

AAEEEIII!

Troi:

Oh the pain!

Emperor:

Heh, heh, heh ... huh?

Suddenly, the emperor fades and disappears. All is silent, as the lights in the bay begin to glow brighter.

Picard:

Hmmm ... ya think he ran out of batteries?

Solo:

Ohhh ... what happened?

Worf:

(Voice from communicator) Sir, Wesley would like to speak to you.

Solo:

Huh? Where'd he go?

Picard:

(Yelling at bright lights) Go ahead Wes.

Wesley:

Thank you Captain. I fixed the problem. We can go back home, but we have to do it now.

Riker:

(To captain) Let me handle this. He's my responsibility. (To ceiling) Wesley. Explain.

Luke and Solo get up and look at Troi who seems to be unconscious. They go over to help her.

Wesley:

Well, its kinda difficult for you to understand, but it involves that emperor fellow. I beamed him into the generators and its giving our engines a lot more kick.

Riker:

Well, good. Keep it contained for a few minutes. Riker out.

Picard:

Well, that explains the brighter lights.

Riker:

Well, I'm gonna go to the holodeck and finish with that program I was working on. (Grins).

Picard:

Well, I'll see you later. I wonder what Wesley ...

Solo:

Hey idiots! (Picard and Riker look at Solo) What about your crew member here?

Riker:

Oh, she was fun for a while. You can take her.

Luke:

She's dead.

Riker:

Oh ... well you can bury her too.

Solo:

Let's get out of here. (Chewbacca and Leia enter) Chewie, carry her to the ship.

Chewie:

AAAARRRGGG!

Luke:

Sis, you and Chewie both look worn out. What's been going on?

Leia:

Let's just say that while I kept Data busy, Chewie kept Worf busy.

Chewie:

I LIVE FOR THIS! ARGGGG!

Everyone exits.

Everyone enters Bay 2. All but Luke enter Millennium Falcon.

Luke:

May the force be with you. (Enters ship).

Picard & Riker:

Sure. You too.

Riker and Picard exit Bay and enter hallway.

Picard:

(Looking at ceiling) Wesley! Get us home!

Riker:

(Grins).

Picard:

What are you grinning about now.

Riker:

Oh nothing I guess ... (Grins some more).

Sounds of engines firing and the ship leaving.

Riker:

Well, (still grinning) I think I'm gonna miss her.

Picard:

Nah ... I talked to the binars and they reprogrammed Minuet. Catch my drift? (Winks).

Riker & Picard start laughinging hysterically.

Solo:

Those people were asses!

Vader:

Ohhh ...

Luke:

Dad's waking up. Drop him off on the fifth planet of Endor. That'll keep him unconscious but his suit should keep him alive.

Chewie:

ARRRGGG!! I LIKE STRONG WOMEN!

Leia:

Oh great! Now we'll hear Chewie talking like Worf.

Luke:

(Looking at Troi) Poor girl. Look at her. Her beautiful face, her wonderful shape, her lovely eyes, her lips, her sexually provocative legs, her low neck line showing off her ... her ... (Kisses her delicately on the lips).

Troi:

Oh ... (Opens eyes).

Solo:

Huh? How?

Luke:

Err ... never underestimate the power of the force.