Where No Man Has Acted Before

by Evil Productions 9 March 1989

Captain's Log, Stardate 12345.6. The Enterprise is transporting vital medical supplies to the planet PMS-4. Dr. McCoy has advised that unless these supplies are delivered within 24 hours, the entire colony will be decimated by incredible bitchiness.

Kirk:

Mr. Sulu, what is our estimated arrival at PMS-4?

Sulu:

On our present course, we should reach the planet in 17 hours.

Spock:

Captain, my sensors indicate a large energy cloud of unknown origin directly ahead.

Kirk:

Scan it, Mr. Spock.

Spock:

Scanning. (Looks up from little screen) Sir, it's like NOTHING WE'VE ENCOUNTERED BEFORE.

Sulu:

(Sotto voco)Not again.

Kirk:

Quiet on the bridge! Mr. Spock, I wish we had time to investigate, but we need to get those medical supplies to PMS-4. Mr. Sulu, plot a course around that cloud.

Sulu:

Course plotted, sir. (Engines whine a tiny bit) Sir! the cloud has changed course! It's moved directly in front of us again.

On viewscreen, cloud looms up menacingly. Swirling colours and electric arcs play across its surface. The bridge pulses with red light and there is a high-pitched whine. The crew covers their ears with their hands and grimace a lot.

Spock:

We're being scanned by a powerful beam, Captain.

Kirk:

No shit.

Amplified voice from nowhere:

We are the Actons! We have examined your series and determined that you are of a primitive form of entertainment. For the sake of the galaxy, you must be destroyed!

Chekov:

Keptin, all controls are ... dead.

Kirk:

(To unseen voice)I am James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise of the United Federa ...

Voice:

(Interrupting)If you're going to try that stupid corbomite trick again, you can forget it, lard-ass.

Spock:

Sir, apparently they have managed to scan the entire ship's log, including all the old episodes. (Raises eyebrow) And if I might say so, sir, you are becoming somewhat chunky.

Kirk:

When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, Spock. What I want now are answers!

Turbolift doors open and McCoy bursts onto bridge.

Bones:

Jim, that beam was felt through the whole ship. Sick bay's full of crewmen complaining of nausea and disorientation.

Kirk:

What are you doing up here, then?

Bones:

Are you kidding? They were making me sick. Dammit Jim, I'm a supporting character, not a doctor.

Kirk:

Lt. Uhura, send a subspace message to Starfleet advising them of our situation.

Uhura:

Sir, all sub space channels are unavailable.

Kirk:

Unavailable?

Uhura:

Yes, sir. Lt. O'Reilly has been tying up all the lines by dialing those "1900" sex-numbers.

The bridge is once more illuminated with that red lighting.

Chekov:

Keptin, my readings show thet something jest materialized within the ship.

Kirk:

Where is it Chekov?

Voice from behind:

Here, Captain Kirk.

Everyone spins around to see a bald-headed alien in a silver robe standing on the bridge.

Exterior shot of ship orbiting planet. For some reason, it's turned sort of sideways.

Kirk:

Captain's Log, Supplemental. An alien life form of extreme power and a highly developed sense of taste has taken control of the Enterprise. What does it want? How do I get my ship back? And am I really putting on too much weight?

Acton:

Knock it off with the monologue, Shatner. You're through.

Kirk:

Spock. Analysis.

Spock:

Fascinating. I took the liberty of scanning our visitor, Captain. My tricorder shows that the visual centres of his brain are greatly enlarged. However, the motor centres are almost atrophied.

Bones:

What are you getting at, Spock?

Spock:

The answer is quite logical, Doctor:

the Enterprise has been taken over by a couch potato.

Acton:

Your science officer is correct. My race was once similar to yours. But we managed to avoid the television wars that besieged your planet in your 21st century. We continued to expand our viewing sophistication to a level unimaginable to your minds. Now, our demand for quality programming is unlimited.

Kirk:

But what do you want with the Enterprise? Surely you know we mean you no harm. (Extends hands in Kirk Gesture #4) We come in ... peace.

Acton:

(Raises silver box-like thingy at Kirk) Stop right there! Any more acting like that, and I will destroy this ship.

Bones:

He's not bluffing, Jim.

Kirk:

How would you know?

Bones:

I may be just a simple country doctor, but I know a thing or two about the psychology of aliens that I never saw before.

Everyone else gives him a quizzical look.

Acton:

I'm warning you ...

A redshirt makes a fumbling grab for his phaser. The Acton whips around and fires a bolt of red light at him. The redshirt crumples into a heap. Bones and Kirk hustle over to the redshirt. McCoy bends over body for a second, then looks up at Kirk.

Bones:

He's dead, Jim.

Theme music swells as Kirk gives a look of heart-rending loss tempered with resolution and defiance (Kirk look #12)

Another exterior shot.

McCoy:

Medical Log. The alien is still in control of the Enterprise. Captain Kirk has been feeling the strain of command. As Ship's Medical Officer, I feel that I must visit him in his cabin. This is a poor link, but it's all the writer's could come up with.

Shot of interior of Kirk's darkened cabin. Door swishes open to reveal McCoy standing outside. He enters.

Bones:

Jim? I brought some Syrian brandy for me and a six-pack of Molson's for you. Strictly for medical purposes, of course...

Rustling noises.

Kirk:

Ah, I'm busy at the moment, Bones.

Giggling noises.

Bones:

I thought I'd come down here and see how you are.

He notices something on floor. it's a female crewman's uniform. There is more giggling.

Kirk:

(sotto voce) Shhh. Keep quiet, Yeoman. (To McCoy) I want you and Spock in the conference room in ten minutes. Tell Scotty, I want him there too.

Cut to conference room. Kirk, Spock, and Scotty are seated. McCoy enters, strides purposefully to Kirk, rips open his sleeve, and delivers a hypodermic of something.

Kirk:

What was that, Doctor? A vaccine against the space illness gripping many of the crew?

Bones:

No, a vaccine against the space clap that has been gripping Yeoman Rand.

Spock:

Captain, I believe I understand the alien's power source.

Kirk:

Let's hear your theory, Spock.

Spock:

The Actons appear to feed on the energy from entertainment. But their ability is limited, their long exposure to quality programming has made them unable to digest silly plots and inane performances.

Kirk:

So, if we can overact and manage to throw in lots of stupid plot twists, we can render our visitor powerless.

Spock:

That is essentially correct. For a human, you're less of a dumb jerk than most of your species.

Kirk:

Why thank you, Mr. Spock. Scotty, I need you to rig up a way of bypassing the bridge controls to the antimatter pods. Can you do that?

Scotty:

Aye, Captain. But why?

Kirk:

Because, Mr. Scott, I said to.

Bones:

But that could cause an inversion in the dilythium crystals!

Scotty:

Awk! That was my line, Kelly!

Bones:

Dammit, I'm a buffoon, not an actor! I can't be expected to keep those cue cards straight!

Data:

Please continue the petty bickering. I find it most interesting.

Kirk:

What are you doing in here? Get out of my series! Gene! Gene!

Data makes a hasty exit.

Cut to exterior shot. A technician is adjusting the strings that hold the model of the ship.

Quick cut back to the bridge.

Kirk:

(As he exits the turbolift with Spock and McCoy)Maybe we could find a computer to destroy ...

Acton:

Too late, Captain. Resistance is useless.

Kirk:

Spock! Try the Vulcan mind-meld. We haven't done one of those for a couple of weeks.

Spock:

(Advances to the Acton and puts his hands on the alien's face)I know what you know ... I feel what you feel ... Darkness. Sound. Light. Microwave popcorn. Diet Coke. Oh, the pain. The pain!

Spock pulls away shakily.

Kirk:

Spock. Spock! (Seizes him by the shoulders) What did you learn?

Spock:

I am quite alright, Captain. The Acton's mind is a seething morass of quality television: Masterpiece Theater, live symphonies, documentaries on arctic waterfowl. A world without trash sports, without sitcoms, without game shows. A world without bad acting. (Looks at McCoy) You would not have survived, Doctor.

Bones:

Look who's talking, Mr. "In Search Of ..."

Acton:

You have one minute before your ship is destroyed. I believe that those of your race may have some preparations to be made before the death of this series.

Bones:

Damn right. Uhura, get my agent on the line.

Uhura:

Hey! I ain't your n ...

Kirk:

Lieutenant, belay that! (Turns to the Acton)My ancestors once recognized the importance and sanctity of life. In many ways, in many times, people have tried to express the fundamental quality of freedom. But never has this idea been better said than in these words:

Chekov:

(Stage whisper to Sulu)He's goink to read the Constitution ageen.

Kirk:

(Building momentum)"We, the People, in order to form a more perfect union ..."

Acton:

No! Stop!

Kirk:

"... provide for the common defence, secure the general welfare ..."

Acton:

Oh please! Somebody make him stop!

Kirk:

"... and secure the blessings of liberty, to ourselves and our posterity ..."

Acton:

gaaackkkk! ahhhrrrggg! phhhhllllggggg! thud

Kirk:

(Powering through the big finish)"... do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America!"

The Acton has fallen to the deck, motionless.

Bones:

(Bending over the alien)He's dead, Jim.

Kirk looks around triumphantly. Only vaguely does he notice that four or five other crewmen are also laying around, dead as well.

Exterior shot of Enterprise shooting through space.

Bones:

What I don't understand, Jim, is how you knew that the Acton couldn't handle the concept of freedom.

Kirk:

An inspired guess, Bones. Why, Mr. Spock. I don't think we've made fun of you during the entire episode.

Spock:

True, Captain. And I find the oversight most refreshing.

Kirk:

(Laughing)Why Spock, I think you're getting more typecast all the time.

Whole bridge crew laughs.

Kirk:

Mr. Sulu, take us to PMS-4. We have a lot of bloating and cramps to take care of. Ahead Warp Factor 4.

Sulu:

Aye sir, Warp Factor 4.

Kirk:

Steady as she goes.

Sulu:

Aye sir.

Kirk:

Straight ahead, Helmsman.

Sulu:

Alright already!