This page last updated 6 September 2000

We'll Always Have Rome, or Madrid

by Jeff Near
2 August 1988

Cast

Patrick Stewart

Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Jonathan Frakes

Commander William Riker

LeVar Burton

Lt. j.g. Geordi La Forge

Michael Dorn

Lt. j.g. Worf

Gates McFadden

Doctor (Cmdr.) Beverly Crusher

Sean Penn

Lt. Jeff Spiccoli

Marina Sirtis

Counsellor (Lt. Cmdr.) Deanna Troi

Brent Spiner

Lt. Commander Data

Wil Wheaton

Wesley "Wes" Crusher

Guest Stars

Dan Aykroyd

Dr. Ray Stanz

Joan Collins

Dr. Alexis Keeler

Denise Crosby

ghost of "Tasha" Yar

Flounder (Stephen Furst)

Dr. Elliot Axelrod

Madonna

Madonna

Patrick McGoohan

Number One (John Drake)

Bill Murray

Dr. Peter Venkmann

France Nuyen

Dr. Elaan Kim

Harold Ramis

Dr. Egon Spengler

Gary Coleman

Ensign Gary Coleman

Emmanuel Lewis

Ensign Emmanuel Lewis

Ricky Schroeder

Ensign Ricky Schroeder

We see the Enterprise gliding across a sea of stars.

Picard:
Captain's log, Stardate 42959.5, we are heading for Heinz 57 to deliver vitally important steak sauce to the beleaguered colony. We must also get some much-needed shore leave. Tensions in the crew have risen. Some deluded crew person is painting obscenities on our shuttlecraft, the "Nancy Reagan". New Security Chief Lt. Jeff Spiccoli is investigating.

 

Shift to bridge of Enterprise.

Spiccoli:
Hey, man, what's happening? Did something mention my name?
La Forge:
Sir, we're receiving a distress signal.
Picard:
Put it on audio.

Picard assumes a startled look as he listens to the voice.

Voice:
This is Dr. Elliot Axelrod. Please, please come save us! Our situation is desperate! We ... fzzzzt! ...

Suddenly, superimposed alongside the crew is a scene from ST:TOS.

Kirk:
Warp Factor One, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu:
Aye, aye, Captain.

The image vanishes. the TNG crew looks around, startled.

Picard:
Number One, did you ...
Riker:
I don't quite believe it.
Picard:
Data?
Data:
The effect was real and measurable. For an instant, the structure of time itself became unglued and we merged with a scene from ST:TOS.
Spiccoli:
Like totally awesome, Picardo.
Worf:
Sir, the distress signal came from a nearby planet.
Picard:
Which planet is that?
Worf:
Ceti Alpha VI, sir.
Data:
Correction. I believe it is Ceti Alpha IV.
La Forge:
The script says it's Ceti Alpha V.
Picard:
Damn writers. They've gotten the Ceti Alpha planets mixed up again.
Riker:
Sorry, Captain.
Worf:
I think it's the big red one on the left side of the viewscreen.
Picard:
Excellent observation. Mr. Data, lay in a course for the Big Red Planet with the Distress Signal.

 

Dramatic music & opening credits.

Picard:
Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds.
Wesley:
What about "to seek out new life and civilisations"?
Picard:
Oh, all right. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, and to seek out new life and civilisations.
Wesley:
What about "to boldly go where no one has gone before"?
Picard:
Shut up, Wesley.

 

Setting is the Bridge. A pizza delivery boy steps off the turbo lift.

Pizzaman:
Large combo for Spiccoli.
Spiccoli:
Right here, dude.

Spiccoli dives into the pizza; Worf salivates and is thrown a slice. Picard grimaces in annoyance.

La Forge:
No response to our signals, sir.
Data:
Sir, I detect radiation leaks near the signal's source.
Worf:
It may be a trap, sir. I suggest we obliterate the planet.

Ship shudders. Lights dim. A ghostly image again overlays the bridge.

Kirk:
I want some answers, gentlemen!

Image disappears.

Riker:
It happened again.
Picard:
Excellent observation, Number One.
Data:
Quite intriguing, sir. Either the fabric of space and time is being ripped apart or Paramount is having interference problems with its satellite uplink.
LaForge:
Engine power readings are fluctuating.
Picard:
Engineering, give me a status report.
Gumby #1:
<Hello. (Sound of smashing crockery).
Gumby #2:
Ow, I got my head stuck in the warp drive.
Gumby #3:
Shut up!
Gumby #1:
Hello. (More crashing/smashing sounds).
Gumby #3:
Shut up!
Gumby #1:
I'm sorry.
Gumby #2:
I can't see anything. Ooh! (Smashing sounds).
Gumby #3:
Shut up. Ow!
Gumby #2:
My brain hurts. My brain hurts.
Picard:
Just forget it! (To himself) What's gone wrong with this series?
Data:
Analysis indicates that the writers' strike has forced the writers to start stealing material from the British humorous television program "Monty Python's Flying Circus".
Troi:
Possibly these events are affecting the crew.
Picard:
We're going to need a medical opinion. Get Dr. Crusher.
Worf:
She's not in Sick Bay. Should I contact the surgeon on duty?
Picard:
Make it so. Who is on duty?
Worf:
A Dr. Fever ...
Fever:
Dr. Johnny Fever! What's happening, baby?
Picard:
Baby?
Fever:
Yeah, like what's shakin', cat?
Picard:
Worf, bring the Universal Translator on-line.
Worf:
Useless, sir. Dr. Fever's speech still comes out as gibberish.
Picard:
I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Picard stands up and walks towards turbo-lift. Troi intercepts him near the door.

Troi:
Sir, you had quite a strange reaction when Dr. Axelrod's name was mentioned.
Picard:
It was nothing. I'd just forgotten my next line.
Troi:
Yes, sir, I knew that. But there was something else ... I sensed that it had something to do with your past romances.
Picard:
(Irritated) Counsellor ...
Troi:
Either that or you have a banana stuffed in your shorts.

Picard strides into the turbo-lift with his head blushing red. A goldshirt with slicked-back hair is in the turbo-lift.

Picard:
Sick Bay.

 

Lift door closes and the lift starts moving.

Ensign:
Sick Bay, eh? Going to see Dr. Crusher?
Picard:
Yes.
Ensign:
Hmm ... that Dr. Crusher, does she go? I say, does she go?
Picard:
I beg your pardon?
Ensign:
Is she a goer? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Say no more! Say no more!
Picard:
What in the devil are you talking about?
Ensign:
Does she likes photography? Click, click, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Know what I mean?
Picard:
Are you insinuating something about Dr. Crusher and I?
Ensign:
No, never! No! (Pause) Yes! Yes, I am.

Lift door opens and Picard gets out. He turns around as if to say something, but the lift door has already closed.

Picard walks on into Sick Bay, where Dr. Fever is running around a bed in circles.

Fever:
Wow, man. That cordrazine is heavy stuff.
Picard:
I think I could use a commercial break now.

Picard grabs a can of Pepsi off counter in Sick Bay and holds it up for millions of viewers to see.

Picard:
Pepsi: The Choice of The Next Generation.

Dr. Fever goes nuts and starts strangling Picard.

 

Scene opens with Picard in his chair. Crusher is fussing with a hypo while Picard rubs his sore neck.

La Forge:
We're picking up some highly unusual energy readings from the surface. Like nothing I've seen before. It all seems to be coming from Dr. Axelrod's lab.
Worf:
Sir, we're getting a response from the planet.
Picard:
Put it on the viewer.

Madonna appears on screen. She is dressed in typical Madonna apparel, which is to say, not very dressed at all.

Madonna:
Like, hey, is this some kinda starship or what?
Troi:
(To Picard) What is that strange garment she's wearing?
Madonna:
(Overhearing) It's a bra, you bimbo. Haven't you ever seen a black leather bra before?
Crusher:
Slut!
Picard:
This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starsh ...
Madonna:
Jean-Luc! It's you. I didn't recognise you with your tights on. Ooh!
Picard:
Ahem.
Data:
May I inquire as to the purpose of your distress signal?
Madonna:
Oh, yeah, like we're in some major cross-dimensional shit. I've got a little something for Jean-Luc! Beam me up!

Screen goes blank.

Wesley:
Intense! Can I work the transporter, sir?

Wesley is wobbling and kinda giggly, as if massively stoned. Spiccoli looks on in what appears to be approval.

Picard:
Wesley, what are you doing up here?
Spiccoli:
Ease off, Picardo. Just doin' his duty.
Wesley:
I'm like totally hungry. Is there anything to eat around here?
Spiccoli:
It's part of his education. Like, we're scoping the relative ... uh ... merits of reefer versus bong today.
Picard:
What?

A shimmery, ghostlike image of Lt. Yar appears on the bridge; it walks over to Wesley.

Yar:
Wes, don't listen to him! Just say no!

Suddenly, three men clad in white overalls leap off the turbo-lift. They have strange equipment slung on packs on their backs. Worf moves toward them aggressively.

Egon:
Here it is, Venkmann! The source of those high PKE readings!
Ray:
Look, over there! Do you smell something?
Picard:
What is the meaning of this? What are you doing on my bridge?
Venkmann:
OK, Ray, circle over that way. Egon, stay put.

Venkmann races over by Troi's seat. The Yar-ghost swivels around to face them. The Ghostbusters open fire ... Spiccoli and Wesley duck while Egon's beam obliterates the console behind them; Ray's beam zaps a hole in the turbo lift door.

Venkmann:
Ray, don't hit the turtlehead!

Worf leaps over the bridge railing as a beam narrowly misses him. Yar flies through the air and lands on Data's console ... Ghostbuster beams rip wildly around the bridge, leaving charred electronics in their wake. The crew hits the deck. Finally the beams converge on Yar and Ray kicks a ghost trap across the floor.

Yar:
Obi-wan, help me!

She is sucked into the ghost trap. There is silence on the bridge.

Venkmann:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
Picard:
I demand an explanation.
Venkmann:
Cool off, chrome dome. We'll send you a bill.

Ghostbusters exit.

Picard:
Alas, poor Yar, I knew her well.
Data:
You, too, sir?

There is a second of silence. All shift uncomfortably in their seats.

Riker:
Should we beam up Dr. Axelrod's people now?
Picard:
Excellent suggestion, Number One. Worf, Troi, Riker, La Forge, and Spiccoli will accompany me to the transporter room.

All head for the turbo lift. Data tags along.

 

Switch to transporter room. Worf is operating controls.

Worf:
Four to beam up, sir. They are requesting medical assistance. I'll signal Dr. Crusher.
Riker:
Gee, do you think she's going to be wearing her underwear on the outside again?

We get an eerie wavering of the scene and once again, a TOS scene is transposed onto the TNG universe ... we see Captain Kirk's cabin, where Elaan of Troyius is trying to help him get his pants zipped up. It's not easy.

Data:
Intriguing. Is this the literary technique known as "foreshadowing"?
Picard:
Never mind The Old Series. Beam them up now, Worf.

Transporter pad starts sparkling. Three standing figures appear and the prone figure of the ailing Dr. Axelrod. The three women all turn and stare at Picard.

Dr. Kim:
Jean-Luc!
Dr. Keeler:
Jean-Luc!
Madonna:
Jean-baby!

Picard's ex-girfriends all get off the transporter pad and walk toward Picard. Dr. Fever enters.

Dr. Fever:
Yo! Anybody need a shot?
La Forge:
(Kneeling near Axelrod) This man needs help! (Turns and looks at the women; he could be staring at them) Wow!
Riker:
Sir, can we hook up the GeordiCam now? I want to see EXACTLY what Geordi's seeing now.
Picard:
Not now. Wait until we're in a critical situation where every second counts before we play with the GeordiCam, uh, VAT. (Pause) Doctor, can this man be saved?
Dr. Fever:
Damned if I know. I'll give him a sedative anyway.
Madonna:
(To Riker) Hey, did Jean-baby ever teach you the Picard Manoeuvre? (Shakes hips suggestively).
Riker:
(To La Forge) What a hot babe, hunh?
Madonna:
(To Riker) What do you want? A Troi toy or a boy toy?
Spiccoli:
Keep your hands off my wife! (Punches Riker).

Camera moves up for close-up of Spiccoli.

Spiccoli:
And no close-ups! Didn't I tell you? No close-ups!

He moves in and starts punching the camera man.

Madonna:
Sean, you dumb shit, get back in character!

Dr. Fever gives himself a sedative.

Dr. Fever:
Ahhh ... just about right.

He increases the dosage, then gives Penn, uh, Spiccoli, a shot from his hypo. Spiccoli drops to the floor.

Picard:
What is happening down on that planet?
Dr. Kim:
Dr. Axelrod's cross-dimensional experiments have opened a rift in the trans-spastic hyper-region. But enough of that! What about us, Jean-Luc?
Dr. Keeler:
Yes, what about you and me?
Madonna:
Yeah, and me?
Picard:
Time for a staff meeting, Number One. Right away.

Picard and TNG regulars exit, leaving Dr. Fever with the women.

Scene reopens in conference room.

Picard:
As you can see, we may have a sensitive situation on our hands.
Crusher:
(Tartly) Yes, I'd like to see a good explanation of this.
Data:
Sir, my understanding of human customs may be faulty, but is it not fortuitous that they are not bearing small children with facial features similar to yours?
Picard:
Just a few old pals from Earth. There is no reason to be concerned.
Data:
I see. Was one of them your main squeeze?
Crusher:
Data!
Data:
Was my usage incorrect? Was one of them your hot mama? Your ...
La Forge:
Whoa, Data. I'll explain it to you later.
Picard:
Right. Now we must review our main problem. Dr. Crusher, is Dr. Axelrod able to speak?
Crusher:
No, he appears to be dying. Of course, after staying with that gang of cheap tramps, there's no telling what diseases he's picked up.
Picard:
Er, um, thank you, Dr. Crusher. Mr. Data, bring in the experts from the Physics Department.

Ghostbusters enter.

Picard:
What? Get them out of here!

Worf gets up and walks ominously towards Ghostbusters.

Venkmann:
Back off, man. I'm a scientist!

Worf looks confused and retreats.

Venkmann:
Egon, explain the problem to these gentlemen.
Egon:
Thank you, Peter. We are experiencing a multiple universal hyper spatial transduction of catastrophic proportions. Let me illustrate ... imagine this Twinkie is our universe and this Ding-Dong is another.

He holds up a Twinkie in his left hand and a Ding-Dong in his right.

Dr. Axelrod's machine has brought them together.

He brings the Twinkie and Ding-Dong together just below his nose.

Egon:
They will now merge, totally disrupting their structure, till the universe becomes one huge creme filling.

He mashes the Twinkie and Ding-Dong together and stuffs them into his mouth.

Venkmann:
And we all know how painful that can be.
Ray:
So we have to get down to that planet and stop it!
Picard:
Our Away Team is quite capable of containing the problem. Riker, you lead an Away Team of Worf, Data, and Spiccoli down to investigate. La Forge, can you manage on the bridge?
La Forge:
Sir, someone has to sit on the bridge and smile while Commander Riker is away, and I'm just the man to do it!
Ray:
I would advise against it, Captain.
Picard:
We are afraid of no ghosts. Please proceed, Number One.
Riker:
Aye, sir.

Crew exits.

 

Scene opens in a cargo area on planet's surface. Away Team is beaming down. Lt. Spiccoli is carrying a surfboard and wearing shorts.

Spiccoli:
Surf's up, dudes. Let's party.

Spiccoli runs off down corridor.

Riker:
Hmm ... let's split up. Data, you go to the left. Worf, to the right.

Camera follows Riker down corridor.

Data:
(Over communicator) Sir, I detect strange energy readings near you. An ethereal entity of unknown composition.
Picard:
(From bridge) Do you see anything, Number One?
Riker:
I see it. It's coming. It's coming right at me.

Riker is staring at green ghost, which flies toward him.

 

Cut back to bridge.

Picard:
Worf, get to him quick.
Riker:
Aaaaagghhh!
Picard:
Number One, Bill, are you all right? What happened?

 

Cut back to Riker, who appears to be covered with snot.

Riker:
It slimed me!

Worf and Data arrive. They help Riker up. Worf flails at the ghost, in complete futility.

Riker:
More of them coming.
Worf:
(Fires phaser) Our weapons are ineffective.
Data:
I recommend you beam us up immediately.

 

Cut to bridge again.

Picard:
Transporter Room, beam them up ... NOW! Dr. Crusher, come with me.

They race to the turbo lift; the lift door closes; the door reopens with them in the Transporter Room where Riker, Worf, and Data have just beamed up. They are covered with slime.

Riker,Worf:
They pelted us with rocks and garbage!
Picard:
Clean yourselves off and prepare for a staff meeting. I've got some other business to finish up.

They exit Transporter Room.

 

Cut to corridor where Troi is walking, closely followed by Venkmann.

Venkmann:
Deanna, I know what you're thinking. "That Pete Venkmann, he's my kinda guy ... but what future does he have? Is he starship captain material?"
Troi:
No, I ...
Venkmann:
You don't have to say it. "That Venkmann ... he doesn't have a puffed chest or stiff smile like my current squeeze. But, hey, maybe I'll give him a chance." What do you say?
Troi:
Frankly, I ...
Venkmann:
No, don't say it. (Moves close) I'm reading your mind. (Moves very close) How 'bout "menage au troi"?
Troi:
Well, I can see what's in your mind and ... oh my!! (Blushes).
Venkmann:
Land shark! Watch out!

Venkmann starts chasing Troi down the corridor, where they bump into Riker. Riker smiles. (He looks as if he's just taken a shower.) Troi and Venkmann break apart.

Riker:
Hello, Deanna.
Venkmann:
Well, hey, I have to be running along. And tell your boyfriend there I'm very sorry for him and hope his chest condition clears up real soon.

He exits. Riker walks on down the hall. Troi enters Sick Bay.

Crusher:
Deanna, Dr. Axelrod is dying, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Axelrod:
Oh, no! Killed off in two series in one year!
Troi:
Beverly, that's not the only thing on your mind.
Crusher:
You're right. It's those ... those ... those bimbos! What did Jean-Luc ever see in them?
Troi:
Beverly, you know what you need?
Crusher:
Deanna ...
Troi:
Some Johnson's Baby Powder. You'll feel cooler and more in control.
Crusher:
I don't know ...
Troi:
Just relax.

Troi picks up a container of baby powder, rips opens Crusher's tunic and sprinkles it all over her chest. Crusher tears Troi's top off and showers her with powder. They vigorously rub it into each other's chests, then fall to the floor in a wild embrace ... yes, yes, it IS an old joke ...

Axelrod:
Oh, boy, this is SO exciting! AACK! Oh, NO! My heart! Aaaaauuggghhh! (Dies).

Fade to Data and Picard, who are walking through a crowded hallway when Data stops to speak.

Data:
Am I to understand that you had sex with none of these women? Are you a ... a virgin?
Picard:
(Peering at crew who have stopped to stare) Data! That's none of your business!
Crew:
(To each other) He's a virgin!
Data:
Oh, that's so unfortunate, sir. If only Lt. Yar were here ... I'm sure I could have gotten you a date.

They continue walking down hall.

Data:
Sir, when I said I was fully functional, I meant that I was truly fully functional. I have the sexual organs of both sexes. If you really need ...
Picard:
No thanks, Data.
Data:
It is because I am an android, is it not?
Picard:
No, I just like my meat a little less lean.
Data:
Oh. (Turns and deadpans to audience) Might he not be playing the old Earth game of "hard to get"?

They walk some more.

Picard:
If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.

Data departs.

Picard:
(To himself) He's right. I've got to get a date!!

 

Scene is Holodeck 3. The setting is a sunny cafe in Rome. Picard is alone at a table. A waiter places a bowl in front of Picard.

Picard:
Waiter, there's a worm in my soup.

He holds up a spoonful for the waiter to see; it is full of the worms from "Conspiracy".

Waiter:
No like?
Picard:
Just take it back!

A bulkhead door opens and Dr. Kim is seen. She walks into the cafe and sits at Picard's table.

Dr. Kim:
Ahh, Jean-Luc, it's so real, so vibrant, so alive.
Picard:
Just like old times, my little kumquat.
Dr. Kim:
You had more hair then.

A passing pigeon makes a deposit on Picard's head.

Dr. Kim:
Even the pigeon poop looks real.
Picard:
Ahem ...

Picard eyes a squad of pigeons on a ledge who appear to be contemplating a dive-bombing run. Picard stands up and dashes away, followed by the birds.

Picard:
Exit! Exit! Exit!

A couple pigeon bombs land atop him just before the holodeck doors open and he escapes.

 

Now we switch to Picard arriving on bridge.

Riker:
I hope you had a pleasant diversion on the holodeck, sir.
Picard:
Stuff it!
Data:
Sir, I have some good and and some bad news. The good news is that the dimensional intermix between our universe and ST:TOS has ended. The bad news is that we are infested with ghosts.

Picard looks rather pained.

Data:
Sir, you are not laughing. Is it not true that the good news/bad news joke is a standard element of earth humour? Perhaps I should rephrase it. There was this travelling salesman ...
Picard:
That will not be necessary, Mr. Data.
La Forge:
Sir, antimatter pods have become unstable. Engineering reports ghosts interacting with the dilithium crystals.
Data:
The ghosts are unaffected by our weaponry. (He squishes a Twinkie and Ding-Dong together before his faces and stares at the mess in puzzlement) And since I do not understand how to utilise the theories of the Ghostbusters, I must respectfully request that we solicit their assistance.
Picard:
Out of the question!

Ghostbusters barge in from the turbo lift in full gear.

Ray:
Anybody seen any ghosts up here?
Picard:
Worf, get them off the bridge. Immediately!

Worf advances toward Venkmann, who grabs Worf's head and starts rubbing his knuckles into it.

Troi:
(Crying out in pain) Stop it! You're humiliating him! He hasn't been able to beat up anyone this whole season! It's bad for his self-esteem. Oh, the pain!
Egon:
Peter, have mercy. If there's one thing more deadly to Klingons than bathing, it's getting a noogie.

Worf drops to the floor as Venkmann releases him.

Venkmann:
Well, OK. I was just about ready to offer our help to the chrome dome here, but I think he's going to have to say the Magic Word now.
Picard:
The Magic Word?
Venkmann:
Yes, the Magic Word. (He waits with a long pause) "Please."
Picard:
I refuse to sink to your level.
La Forge:
Sir, Engineering reports that a security team has been massively slimed near the intermix chamber. Condition critical.
Venkmann:
Oh, now that does it! Nobody slimes a red-shirt on MY starship and gets away with it! Let's go down to that planet and show 'em not to fool with the Ghostbusters!

Ghostbusters stomp back towards the turbo-lift. Dr. Fever runs toward them.

Dr. Fever:
Wait for me, cats. This Trek trip is a bummer. It's Splitsville for me, man.
Picard:
Did anyone here understand what he said?
Data:
I did not completely translate it, but I believe the appropriate response would be either "I'm hip, man" or "Bite my bumcakes".

Dr. Crusher pops off the turbo-lift, receiving a quick kiss from Venkmann. Before she can slug him, he's gone. She delivers a note to Picard then strides back toward the turbo-lift.

Picard:
Oh, no, Bev's resigning! We're going to have to find a new doctor. I don't relish the prospect of being treated by Dr. Fever.
La Forge:
Running a check on available doctors in the fleet now ... we have a Dr. Marcus Welby ...
Picard:
No.
La Forge:
A Dr. "Hawkeye" Pierce ...
Picard:
No.
La Forge:
Dr. Wayne Fiskus ... Dr. Emilio Lizardo ...
Picard:
Wait. That name ... Lizardo ... it has character. I like the sound of it.
Data:
Intercepting the voice transmissions of the Ghostbusters down on the planet. Putting them on audio.
Egon:
I don't like the looks of this, Peter.
Ray:
No problem. We've done this before ... Yow!

Suddenly we hear the sound of proton blasters and scattered screams and yowls. The crew pays close attention ...

Venkmann:
Cross the beams! Cross the beams!

There is one last deafening KA-ZAP! and all falls silent. La Forge starts examining his instruments.

La Forge:
Yow, they did it, sir!
Data:
Readings returning to normal. The rift in space has been closed.
Picard:
Egad, Number One, this is worse than being saved by Wesley. Hmph. Now let's proceed back on course to Heinz 57.
Wesley:
(Getting up from floor) Wow. Did I miss everything?

He stumbles around and then falls into the turbo lift. All ignore him.

La Forge:
But what about the Ghostbusters? Shouldn't we beam them back up?
Picard:
Ahem ... Federation regulations prohibit Ghostbusters. Good riddance.

Foosh! Turbo lift doors open and Spiccoli comes sauntering out.

Picard:
And where have you been?
Spiccoli:
In London. Jammin' with Mick and the boys.
Picard:
I don't think I want to hear about this.
Troi:
You've had quite a rough day, sir.
Picard:
Yes, it's been very frustrating. At least I no longer have to deal with those "Monty Python" characters.
Riker:
Why don't you go visit the Enterprise Cheese Shop? It would be very relaxing.
Picard:
Excellent, Number One. Take over. I'm looking forward to some nice exotic cheeses.

Riker and Picard stand up and as they are walking to the turbo lift, the doors spring open. Ensigns Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis, and Ricky Schroeder pop out and run around the bridge, shooting one another with water pistols.

Picard:
What is the meaning of this?
Data:
Sir, it is an attempt to boost ratings among our younger viewers.
Picard:
It's an outrage! Get these ... these children off my bridge!
Coleman:
What yo' talkin' 'bout?
Lewis:
Touch me and you speak to our lawyers.
Schroeder:
Yeah!
Riker:
I advise we go along with them, sir.
Picard:
You would. Go sit down and shut up.
Riker:
Yes, sir.

Riker backs up toward his seat, but, alas, Ricky Schroeder is sitting there; Riker sits down on him ... with a splat! Schroeder explodes like a big white zit. Riker's smile never cracks.

Worf:
They appear to be extremely fragile, sir.

Worf moves from his post, but squish! steps on Emmanuel Lewis.

Picard:
It appears you will have to be more careful, Lt. Worf. (Winks).
Worf:
Yes, sir!

Worf steps toward the aimlessly scurrying Coleman and with a big SPLORCH! stomps him into the floor.)

La Forge:
Sir, there go the younger viewers! Ratings going down rapidly! At this rate we'll be cancelled before our next episode!
Data:
Intriguing. I would never have deduced that the viewing tastes of the American public were so fickle.
Riker:
Should we invite in the Smurfs or Care Bears?
Picard:
Dammit, Number One, this is an adult program.
La Forge:
Sinking fast, sir. We've got to do something now!
Data:
Wait, sir, I believe I have an insight into human behaviour.
Worf:
We need action, not talk!
Data:
Correct.

Data bounds up from his seat and springs over to Troi and tears the top of her jump-suit wide open, exposing her bare breasts. We hear the high pitched whine of the engines.

La Forge:
Ratings rising again. Nielsen generator output climbing.
Picard:
More, Data, more!

Data rips the jump-suit completely off. Engine noises become louder.

La Forge:
They're jumping off the scale. We're going where no Trek episode has gone before!

Riker tears his uniform off and leaps onto Troi. Engine whine is deafening.

La Forge:
I don't believe it! The ratings have gone so high that we're ... we're going back in time!
Worf:
The ship will be unable to stand the strain.

Set starts shaking. Riker and Troi moan.

Picard:
(To Riker and Troi) Cut it out you two!

Worf walks over and belts them. They fly apart. Engine noise subsides. Tense music goes away.

La Forge:
Look at the chronometer, sir. We've gone back 3 full days.
Picard:
Ahem ... it appears that we have a few more days to live over again. I suggest that I take this time to explore this phenomenon more fully. Counsellor Troi, we'll adjourn to my quarters to discuss this issue.

Picard helps Troi to the turbo lift. Riker follows soon after. La Forge toys with his console while Worf and Data look at one another.

Worf:
I will never understand these humans.
Data:
It's quite simple. Their reaction to full frontal nudity is so consistent that there was no doubt it would save our ratings. Let me explain ...

Camera draws backward, leaving us a final image of a puzzled Worf listening to Data explain television ratings and why sex sells.