This page last updated 19 February 2003

Con-Foundation

by Richard Schwartz (rex@kf6.so-net.ne.jp)
1980-ish

 

Ellipsis - (pl. ellipses) derived from the Greek ... sorry, we've already done this one, haven't we?

The door to Mayor Brillo's office flew open, and junior councilmember Gollem Trapeze barged in. "Madame Mayor," he said, "the Seldom Plan is worthless!"

"Now just hold your horses, young man. What do you mean by crashing into my office with a statement like that, without even a word of foreshadowing?"

"I can't help it. I just love making pat judgements before all the facts are in. I'm always right, too."

"But where have you been for the last two weeks while we were celebrating the 500th anniversary of the Confoundation?"

Trapeze considered chiding her for this fairly obvious piece of exposition, but instead decided to forge on. "I went on a little journey through space. I decided that if I knew the planet of origin of banana peels, then I would know what is wrong with the Seldom Plan."

"But Councilman, nothing is wrong with the Seldom Plan. Exactly 500 years ago ..."

Trapeze interrupted."... so I told my ship's computer to find the oldest known producer of tropical fruits ..."

Brillo interrupted his interruption."... to stem the Pratfall of the Universe and save ...”

Since his interruption had already been interrupted, Trapeze saw no reason not to swing into the fray again. "... and in the course of investigating the possible planets, I had to seduce two major officials ..."

That caught the mayor's attention. After all, she was a normal woman with normal human drives, a healthy sexual appetite, and breasts that didn't show their age at all, breasts that went for miles, breasts that just wouldn't quit. She was 1.7 meters tall and weighed 70 kilos, but carried most of it behind her so it was all put to good use, especially when she walked. She was wearing a delightful aluminum foil wrap-around perfect for reflecting the faint Terminex starglow.

Trapeze looked like – well, just like a regular guy. You know?

The Mayor spoke. "Just a micro-minute, there, pal. How do you explain the fact that here we are, 500 years into the Seldom plan and on chapter 7, mere page-turnings away from the end of the book, and no one yet has dared to broach the subject of sex – and yet you claim to have scored twice in the course of one adventure?"

"I can't explain it, unless" Trapeze hazarded, "the author has decided to spice things up at the last minute to boost sales." Both paused in silent realization that, try as one might, there was no saving this turkey. Nevertheless, Trapeze carried on.

"The prime candidate was the planet Dole (pronounced Dole). They are famous galaxy-wide for their production of pineapples and peaches, although there is no mention of bananas extending back into antiquity."

"Perhaps they just lost their appeal," suggested Brillo.

"It was while I was seducing the Director of Transmutation that I got the first inkling of the truth. Speaking of bananas produces only a blank stare from people on Dole. I figured at first they didn't know what they were. In fact the concept for them is highly taboo. A law ancient as time requires the merest mention of them punished by tongue-lashing!"

"What did they lash your tongue to?"

By this time Trapeze had gotten so good at ignoring her that he did so without a break. "Fortunately the leaders of Dole, the marital unit of Bbob and Llidy, are locked in a power struggle, under which distraction I made my escape. However, I then profited from another hunch. Llidy's name reminded me of another planet, Libeez3*, and so I detoured there. Good thing too, because I hit the jackpot."

"You discovered the source of banana peels?"

"No, I had sex again. This time with the customs agent."

"And what were her breasts like?" Brillo wanted to know. "Grapefruit? Cantaloupes?"

"Watermelons. And the female population goes entirely topless, which made it all the more juicy. I knew I was on the right track when she greeted me, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Mayor Brillo could wait no longer, and began tearing off Trapeze's toga with nimble fingers.

"Mayor! Don't you want to hear the rest of my story?"

"Not now. I'm invoking executive privilege. Now as your leader I order you to lay down the law!"

Trapeze shrugged. After the week he'd had, a third time couldn't hurt. And who knows, it just might be enough to propel it onto the bestsellers list.

* formerly pronounced Libeezlibeezlibeez