This page last updated 19 February 2003

Con-Foundation

Veri Seldom - (43,194,176 - 43,194,247 C.D. [Carbon Dating] or more appropriately 0-71 C.D. [Confoundation Dating]) Also known as 'Rather' or 'Somewhat' to his friends, was the only son of his mother, Quite, and his father, Damm. It was at an early age he ....

In the court of Emperor Crayon II he served the dual role of chief advisor and court jester. It was the merging of these two disciplines which led him to form the science of stand-up psychology which ....

D.A.

Veri Seldom, you have been brought to trial on the charge of conspiring against our subliminal majesty, Emperor Crayon II, by establishing a colony of comedians for motives yet unknown. How do you plead?

V.S.

Pretty please with sugar on top.

D.A.

I would advise you to take this charge more seriously. The penalty is one of the more unpleasant death sentences. And take off that fake nose.

V.S.

Sorry.

D.A.

Now, then, please explain to the court exactly why you have formed a secret society of comics.

V.S.

Certainly. But first, is it all right if we stop using this abbreviated style of narrative?

"Fine with me," said the portly District Attorney, of the powerful Choon family, Gumm by name. "I can never follow it without backtracking to see which of us is V.S. and which is D.A. But I would like to ask you a favor in return. Please put the plastic nose back on. I much prefer it to your real one."

Seldom began his defense. "Let the records show that I am a wizened old man, decrepit with age and confined to the confines of this wheelchair, and yet my amber eyes sparkle clear, belying the age betrayed by my features.

"I have served my lord, Crayon II, for many years. In that time I have invented many jokes, and more importantly, have developed a new science which allows me to predict the shape of humor for many years to come. I call this science 'stand-up psychology'. From it I have learned that comedy is about to collapse, like a spent whoopee cushion. I call this event the Pratfall of the Empire."

"Meaning that you'll be out of a job."

Seldom retorted, "Have you not heard the axiom that whoever set up the Universe had to have had a sense of humor? It's absolutely true. Our civilization is founded on a series of bad jokes. When the jokes run dry, the Galaxy crumbles."

"Then I've trapped you," snapped Gumm. "I've already established that you've set up a secret base, containing the cream of the galaxy's gag-writers. I suggest that when the Empire does fall, you will use this army of fifty thousand to seize control of the Universe."

"Your figures are incorrect. I have fewer than 10,000 comics in my employ."

"Really, Prof. Seldom? I have a reliable figure of 50,462 obtained from a spy within your organization."

A smile came over Seldom's wrinkled demeanor. "You're counting the women!" he chortled. "Really, how do you think we can take over the Empire with an army of women?!" The court let out a collective giggle. "Do you think we're going to attack the imperial fleet with vacuum cleaners?" The jury was clutching its sides and rolling out of the box. "Maybe you think we can knitting needle them to death!" The court stenographer's record now looked like this "Hoo hoo hoo. Chuckle chuckle. Gasp." The Chief Justice clutched his chest and fell over, but that's all right because he wasn't essential to the judicial process.

Seldom wiped his eyes and continued. "Here, I'll show you from my own records." An aide handed him a briefcase, which Seldom had trouble opening. "Kist" he muttered, which was slang for a very popular part of the body. The crowd again erupted into laughter. The briefcase suddenly flew open, sending the papers inside cascading to the floor. "Oh brid!" responded Seldom, using the vernacular for a rather personal bodily process. The audience howled with glee. Disgustedly, Seldom slammed the briefcase shut on his thumb. He ejaculated "Barm!" invoking the common term for an even more personal bodily function, this one requiring two people, at least one of whom has a name like Bubba. The crowd reaction dwarfed all the preceding. Even Gumm was practically bubbling.

Seldom instantly grew somber again, and waited for the laughter to die down. "Ladies and gentlemen, you have just proved my point.

"You have just split your sides laughing at the lowest humor imaginable. All I did was string together sexist slurs and obscenities, yet you gave me some of the loudest laughter of my career. That final laugh, in particular, measured a 4.97 on the Carrey scale, astonishing considering that the comic value of my utterance can be computed in nano-chaplins. In short, comedy has gone to the toilet."

Gumm chewed on this for a while. "Very well, Veri," deigning to the familiar, "but I must return to my original question. Why have you collected all the best comedians in the Universe and cached them in?"

"We will minimize the effects of the Pratfall by gathering together all the humor in the Empire into one compendious joke book. This book will be available to all planets to rebuild their cultures, once they get over this infatuation with poo-poos. Furthermore ..."

Gumm cut him off. "Your honor, I insist that the previous statement be stricken from the record!"

Seldom looked up in surprise. "You mean I can say things like 'barm' and 'brid' but I can't say '..."

Gumm bit off his reply. "Not only that, but I'm censoring it from the memories of all present, and from all paperback and television versions."

Veri sulked. "You kist-barming brid."

* * * * * * * * * * *

While the jury deliberated, the silence was palpable. Even Veri could palp it, and he'd thought his palping days were long gone. After only twenty minutes, the foreman of the jury cleared his throat and said, "We find Veri Seldom not guilty of any wrongdoing. In addition, we applaud his efforts, and declare that he should be given the planet Terminex, tax-free, provided with ridiculous amounts of credit, and revered and idolized throughout time."

As the audience gave three cheers, Seldom slumped smugly in his wheelchair. "Finally," he whispered, "I've played a joke on the Universe."