Spam Trek 1

by Graham Goring (goringgn@aston.ac.uk)   27 October 1994

The scene opens upon the bridge of the USS RENTA-PIES, NCC-1702 Captain Jon-Luk-Pickle is making an entry into his personal log.

Pickle:

Personal log, we are orbiting an unexplored planet, as usual the atmosphere is breathable and there are no life signs except in one small area.

Warf:

I recommend we go to battle stations captain.

Pickle:

Why?

Warf:

Erm? Because it's the cling-film way?

Pickle:

No, you just like saying it don't you?

Warf:

(Cling-filmy grumbling noise) Can I just fire the phasers then?

Pickle:

No! Last time you did that we were in a starbase, that's still coming out of your wages! Anyway, that's a strange new world down there, and according to the waffle at the beginning of the show we've got to explore it. Any volunteers to be killed in the first ten minutes of the show? No? Right Wessey, you can go down. It's about time you died.

Wessey:

My mom will never allow it!

Pickle:

Sod your Mum! I'm the blimmin' captain and what I say goes, all right?

Wessey:

Yes, sir.

Pickle:

Before you beam down you'd better go down to the funeral parlour and choose a casket for yourself.

Later that day, after choosing a rather nice pine coffin with imitation brass handles, Wessey beams down onto the planet.

Wessey:

Hello? Are there any obligatory violent aliens? Any shape-shifting rocks? Any benevolent races of life forms more advanced than anything we've seen before (not including last weeks episode)?

Short Man:

No, there's just me!

Wessey:

But you're just a short old man, you don't even have any make-up on!

Short Man:

Ah, no, but I do have a strange artefact which I give to you just before I die.

Wessey:

When do you die then?

There is a loud shriek then a bang ... no ... a BANG!

Short Man:

About now, urk! Here take this.

Wessey:

What is it?

Short Man:

A strange artefact. It'll probably endanger the entire crew of your ship, but if you don't take it then there'll be no plot!

Wessey:

Nothing unusual there then, but I'll take it anyway. O'Bran, one to beam up.

Short Man:

What about me?

Wessey:

Why bother, you'll only die in the infirmary.

Short Man:

I'd like to beam up anyway.

Wessey:

Okay. O'Bran, two to beam up.

O'Bran:

Are you dead yet Wessey?

Wessey:

No.

O'Bran:

Sorry then, can't beam you up, captain's orders.

Wessey:

I do have an injured human, though.

O'Bran:

You know very well he'll probably die in the infirmary!

Wessey:

I suppose I'll have to use some device I constructed on the off-chance of this happening then, won't I?

Wessey pulls out an odd mechanical device (used in the previous series as a pocket scanner) and presses a button on it. He and the old man fizzle out of existence and appear in the infirmary.

Wessey:

Mom! This old man has been hit by shrapnel, help him mom!

Brusher:

Get me forty units of tricordrazine! Why do I always say that?

Nurse:

Here!

Brusher:

(Imitating hypospray) PSHHT!

Nurse:

His vital signs are failing!

Brusher:

Get me more tricordrazine!

She fumbles and finds hypospray of blue liquid.

Brusher:

PSHHT!

Nurse:

He's dead.

Brusher:

Hmm, (regards hypospray) I don't suppose injecting him with windowlene helped that much.

Nurse:

Oops, I'll hide the body, you destroy the medical logs.

The nurse drags the body over to a cupboard and shoves him in, on top of an already massive pile of corpses.

Brusher:

Now Wessey, what did you see?

Wessey:

(Loyally) Nothing mom!

Brusher:

Good boy.

Later, back on the bridge.

Wessey:

Hi guys. Sorry captain, I'm alive!!!

Everyone:

Oh.

Wessey:

Glad to see you too, guess what? I brought another one of those dangerous artefacts on board without going through quarantine again. It's probably metamorphosing into something hideous at this very moment.

In Wessey's quarters, the artefact, a small round pebble, sits there, doing nothing.

Pickle:

Go to red alert! Warf, separate the saucer section and destroy the rest of the ship! Number two, send a top priority, triple scrambled message to Starfleet, advising them of the situation! Gordy, put the ship's engines to maximum warp now! Wessey, get me an earl grey cup of tea, will you?

Ricky:

I wish you'd stop calling me number two. People are laughing in Britain, do you know what a number two is?

Pickle:

Of course I do, I'm English! Why do you think I call you number two?

Ricky:

Oh ...

Uhury:

Captain, we're getting a message.

Pickle:

Wrong series, get out!

Uhury:

Sorry.

Chekow:

What about me?

Pickle:

No, you can stay, we need someone to die in the next episode.

Chekow:

Vankyou keptain!

Pickle:

Pardon?

Chekow:

Vankyou?

Pickle:

No thanks, I hardly know you.

In Wessey's quarters the pebble still does nothing.

Pickle:

Wait a minute, belay all those orders, except you Wessey, where's my earl grey? We can solve this problem by my giving a long speech about the value of human life and the need for independence, it always works.

Ricky:

Go for it captain!

Pickle:

Man cannot survive under these pressures. Without independence his soul becomes crushed ...

Fourteen hours later ...

Pickle:

... blahdy blah blah, blah blah.

Ricky:

Congratulations, you've bored the small inoffensive pebble to death!

Pickle:

It's a knack! Dartar, set course for gamma quadrant. I know I say that at the end of every show, but dammit, we'll get there eventually!

Dartar:

Course laid in, sir.

Pickle:

Dartar, engage!

Dartar:

But I'm already married ...

Next story: SpamTrek 2