VAX Trek III

by David J. Young (cnbr10@vaxa.strath.ac.uk)
Star Trek VIII The Voyage Home
27 August 1990

Episode 1

In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen ... apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party.

Captain's Log, Star date Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three. The "end of adventure party" seemed to go quite well on the whole ... though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully into the spirit of the occasion. He seemed to spend most of the time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation ducts ... which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a ship's science officer. I wonder what he's up to ...

Scotty:

(Not very enthusiastically) Emm ... Thanks for the socks captain. (He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit for the ship's engines)

Jim:

A pleasure Scotty. Thought I'd get you something practical for your birthday. (As it was to become apparent in a future adventure the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives the captain more choice over what warp factor to use ... but also would have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battle cruisers which ultimately destroyed it)

Scotty:

Hmmm.

Sulu:

Oh yes ... and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me. It looks fun to use ... (This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of reasons: 1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind -- and for that matter in the minds of the rest of the crew -- over the issue of whether he was the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case ... could he be trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon? 2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful)

Jim:

Don't mention it Sulu.

Spock:

Jim ... I urge you to take some action over this Tribble situation.

Jim:

Look Spock ... for the tenth time ... There are NO tribbles on the ship ... you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any.

Spock:

They're spreading like wildfire through the ventilation system! There must be thousands of them in there now.

Jim:

Spock ... get back to your duties. I'll hear no more of this Tribble nonsense.

Spock:

(Looking exasperated) Oh very well. (He trudges over to his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work ... but every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation ducts and mutters to himself)

Jim:

Right Sulu ... give us warp factor 6. Direction ... Well sort of point us in the general direction of Earth ... we're going home.

Scotty:

(Muttering) ... Warp factor 6 ... Huh! ... we could be doing warp factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter ...

Jim:

What was that Scotty?

Scotty:

Oh ... emm ... nothing ...

Jim:

Uhura ... open all hailing frequencies ... and patch me through to Starfleet Command back on Earth. There's something I've been meaning to ask them for quite a while ...

Uhura:

(Sounding bored) Hailing frequencies open, sir.

Jim:

This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation Star ship Enterprise.

Starfleet Command:

Go ahead Kirk ... we read you loud and clear.

Jim:

Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering me for some time ... How is it that the ship can go much faster than light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?

Starfleet Command:

(Silence)

Twelve days later.

Uhura:

Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain.

Jim:

At last ...

Starfleet Command:

You bloody idiot Kirk! ... you utter utter idiot! ... we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the series but you had to go and open your big mouth ...

Uhura:

Message ends, Captain.

Jim:

Ah ... emmm ... right ... I think we'll forget about our return to Earth at the moment ... They sound a little upset. Sulu take us to the Sirius Alpha sector ... we haven't been there for a while.

At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average, knowing that it met a message travelling out from Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers on a postcard to me ... cos I'd damn well like to know.

Sulu:

Aye Aye, sir.

Spock:

Captain ... our two day distance from Earth has brought us within Federation parcel post range ... Ensign Johnson down in the transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you ...

Jim:

Ah! ... that'll be my new beer making kit. Great!

Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package.

Jim:

(Looking disappointed) Aw! ... it's the damned Reader's Digest ... "Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could be on the way to winning a super slim line speedboat, five hang-gliders or a super deluxe home beer making kit ..."

Spock:

Go on Jim ... scratch off the panels ... I can't stand the excitement.

Jim:

Surprise surprise ... I've won a major prize ... AGAIN. (He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command chair waste basket and yawns) Well maybe something exciting will happen in next week's episode.

Episode 2

Captain's Log, Star date Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Four. We are now cruising at warp factor six in the Sirius Alpha Sector. Drinks are currently being served in ... Whoops ... I wonder what made me say that? Anyway ... All seems well with the ship and crew ... except for Spock who seems to have developed some strange paranoia concerning tribbles.

Spock:

I have not ...

Jim:

Then why do you keep mentioning them every ten minutes? For the last time I tell you ... There are NO tribbles on this ship anymore.

Spock:

But Jim ...

Jim:

No buts Spock ... I'll not have my Science Officer indulging in petty fantasies concerning small furry creatures ...

Spock:

You make it sound as though I LIKE them ... Quite the contrary. I am merely trying to alert you to the fact that the ship will become overrun by the little beggars if you don't take action NOW!

Jim:

There's no need to start shouting at ME Spock ...

KERRRRUNCH! A sudden bum-shattering impact rocks the ship ... Picking themselves up off the floor of the bridge they all turn their gaze towards Sulu ... who is pretending not to notice, as he furiously fiddles with his controls.

Jim:

Admit it Sulu ... playing about with those controls is a little too late to make any difference ... we've already hit the planet haven't we?

Sulu:

Emmm ... well ... be fair Captain, I almost got the undercarriage down just before impact.

Jim:

(Yawning) All right all right ... let's see what damage you've done.

Ten minutes later Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, and two guards stand outside the ship inspecting the structural damage to the Enterprise's hull.

Jim:

Spock, don't stand there doing nothing, give us a tricorder reading on the atmospheric content.

Spock:

Poisonous methane based atmosphere ... Oxygen content 0% ... Unbreathable.

Jim:

(Grabbing frantically at his throat and choking violently) G ... g ... get back on the ship now!! (They all stagger back on to the ship slam the outer airlock door and slump to the floor with sheer relief as the airlock floods with fresh air again).

Spock:

I was only joking of course ...

Later in the sickbay.

Bones:

Feeling better now Spock? ... Nasty set of bruises you had there ... I guess that'll teach you not to play practical jokes like that again.

Spock:

(Very muffled from under his bandages) They've no sense of humour at all.

Bones:

Very ironic statement that ... coming from a Vulcan.

Back outside the ship.

Jim:

What do you rate the damage like, Scotty?

Scotty:

On a scale of 1 to 10 ... 11 I suppose would be a good estimate ... We'll be here a couple o' days to fix it ...

Jim:

OK ... you see to the repairs ... I'll wander off irresponsibly with two guards and you'll have to rescue me later.

Scotty:

Right ... sounds like a good plot to me ... see you later.

After exploring the same bit of scenery for about ten minutes, Jim and the two guards stop for a rest.

Jim:

Hmmm ... There's something familiar about this place ...

Suddenly there is a tap on his shoulder and he wheels round to see ...

Gandalf:

I've got a bone to pick with you Kirk!

A white bearded old man in a pointy hat, flares, and sporting a chic pair of dark sunglasses confronts Jim with a very irritable look on his face. The old man unleashes two deadly fire bolts and wipes out the two guards before they have a chance to raise their phasers.

Gandalf:

Right ... that's the formalities over with ... Now down to business.

Jim:

Uh? ... Oh ... Hey ... I like the cool shades! ... very trendy ...

Gandalf:

A consequence of your last visit Kirk ... We once had an ozone layer on this planet.

Jim:

Ah ... woops ... I knew there WAS a good reason for not using warp drive while in planetary atmosphere ... Look on the bright side, you can get a nice tan all year round now ...

Gandalf:

Grrr ... You'll be laughing on the other side of your face at the TRIAL!!!! cackle cackle!

Jim:

!

Episode 3

Captain's Log, Star date Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Five. I have been taken prisoner, and now stand in some kind of courtroom, about to go on trial for some jumped up charge ... of which I might add I'm totally innocent. I just hope Scotty can work another miracle and get me out of here before things go too far ... which reminds me ...

Jim:

(Flicking open his communicator ... to the accompaniment of the usual mating song of the lesser black backed marsh warbler) Kirk to Enterprise ... come in Scotty.

Scotty:

Aye captain?

Jim:

Scotty ... I'm in a "wee bit of trouble" as you might say ... Let's save a lot of time and hassle ... just beam me back to the ship please.

Scotty:

Right ... I've got a fix on your communicator ... beaming up now.

Jim:

(Shouting to the occupants of the rapidly filling court room) Bye folks ... sorry I couldn't stay for the trial ...

To his horror ... and extreme embarrassment, instead of dematerialising himself, a large potted plant standing four feet away begins to shimmer and fade away.

Jim:

Kirk to Enterprise!!! SCOTTY!! Just what the HELL do you think you're doing!!

Scotty:

Captain ... the transporter unit seems to have malfunctioned.

Jim:

So I gathered ...

Scotty:

The crash must've shaken up the transporter beam targeting circuitry!!

Jim:

Look ... if I move four feet to the left to the spot where the plant was, and you leave the settings as they were then that should work shouldn't it?

Scotty:

Aye ... that'll work ... OK ... move over now ... energising ...

Across on the far side of the courtroom a burly looking dwarf with a large axe shimmers and fades away ... then re-materialises quickly ... with a bemused look on his face.

Scotty:

Captain ... this ISN'T working is it?

Jim:

You're right Scotty ... get round here with some men and some big phasers and break me out pretty damn quick.

Scotty:

On my way sir.

The court room is full of locals now ... hoping to see some justice dealt out to this yellow jerseyed maniac who stands nervously before them. In files the council for the prosecution ... but the seats allocated for the defence lawyers remained empty since Jim hasn't any change in his pocket to make any phone calls ... well ... OK ... he DID ... but no-one wanted to take up his case since 1) It was hopeless anyway. 2) They'd been bribed quite generously by a tall white bearded old man with a pointy hat.

Jim:

(Shouting out loud) I'D JUST LIKE TO STATE AT THIS POINT THAT I AM TOTALLY AND UTTERLY INNOCENT.

The court goes momentarily quiet ... possibly while it's occupants rummage in their bags for the rotting vegetables they have brought along. Then the first of a hail of tomatoes and bits of turnip rain down on Jim amidst angry shouts and the copious blowing of raspberries.

Clerk:

Order! ... Order! ... Will the court please come to order ...

In strides the judge, and takes up his position at the head of the court. Behind the dark shades and the ridiculous wig, Jim can't help thinking there is something vaguely familiar about him.

Judge:

Right Clerk ... what's today's business?

Clerk:

Ahem ... The Case Of Captain James Tiberius Kirk, on a charge of wilfully using warp drive in planetary atmosphere without due regard to the health consequences for the inhabitants of the said planet i.e. this one.

A titter from the jury at Jim's middle name is quickly stifled by a stern glance from the Judge, who is clearly in no mood for frivolities.

Suddenly, there is a thump and a small white ball lands at Jim's feet ... Never having been well known for forking out hard cash to buy balls of his own at the Enterprise's well equipped golf shop, Jim just can't pass up the chance of picking up a free ball. He glances round to check that no one is looking and pockets the ball hurriedly.

Just then, two strange characters seem to just walk through the wall of the court room ... One is wearing a Hawaiian shirt ... and we'll call him Bob ... because that is his name ... and the other trudges along behind him carrying a huge ... and very heavy looking golf bag.

Bob:

You sure it went this way??

Caddy:

Yup ... it was a pretty wayward tee shot I must say ... Two more space-time dimensions to the right and you'd have been out of bounds.

Bob:

I know ... it's about time I saw the pro about correcting that vicious slice of mine ... Now where IS that ball ...

Jim sits tight, determined not to own up ... he thinks he'll get away with it too, but a host of fingers from the jury point accusingly in his direction.

Bob:

Three wood please, caddy ...

Jim is about to hand over the ball when the club comes down on his head with some force and he blacks out for a time.

Bob:

Hmmm ... not a bad lie ... but what does the rule book say about playing out of courtrooms?

Caddy:

(Leafing through his rule book) ... carrots ... courgettes ... ah! ... courtrooms ... yes ... Normally a penalty of one stroke would have to be added on ... but wait ... there's a special clause here:

"Any player hitting the defendant is entitled to a free drop within 2 club lengths of the point of impact".

Bob:

Ha! ... what a piece of luck! ... Right ... how far to the hole, caddy?

Caddy:

Five space-time dimensions to the left, and approximately 3 light years in vector magnitude.

Bob:

Five iron?

Caddy:

Sounds about right to me.

They play on and saunter off after the ball, again seemingly walking unhindered through the solid wall of the courtroom.

Judge:

(His mouth hanging open, and obviously incredulous at what he has just seen) Personally I think he under-clubbed that one.

Jim:

(Getting shakily to his feet, and nodding vigorously) I'd have played a four iron myself.

Clerk:

With all due respect m'lud I think we ought to start the trial ...

Judge:

Certainly ... the court is now in session ... any questions from either side before we start? No? ... right OK ... court adjourned for tea. Case will resume in fifteen minutes ... thank you.

Hardly anyone notices the dull thud behind them as they file out of the courtroom.

Episode 4

Dear VAX trek, I was most excited to see the brief appearance of the camel in episode 1. I have been an avid camel collector for over 20 years and am always on the look out for any glimpses of them I can possibly get. So imagine my joy when one appeared, albeit rather indistinctly in the background, in episode 1. My friends and I have argued for weeks over the exact type of camel you used ...

Jim groans, crumples up the letter and throws it on the ever growing pile next to him. The last four weeks have been spent in the courtroom getting through various legal preliminaries to the actual trial ... In the meantime, Jim had been glad of the 5 credits a week he had earned by taking up the part time job of letter reader for the VAX trek Editorial Office ... but to be honest he was becoming a bit fed up with it now. It had at first been a relief from the boredom of sitting in the courtroom listening to the interminable legal proceedings going on before him ... Now, luckily this was drawing to a close and the real trial was about to begin.

Clerk:

... and that it may not be resold, lent, exchanged, or otherwise traded without the publisher's prior permission in any other cover other than that in which it was purchased, and that a similar condition be binding upon any subsequent purchaser, herein, outwith, aforementioned, or otherwise before next Thursday.

Judge:

Are you SURE it says that? I'd like you to go over it again a bit more slowly if you could. Never could quite get the hang of all that legal speak.

Clerk:

(Looking a little exasperated) YES!! I'm sure m'lud. With respect m'lud, I don't know how many times you've asked me to go over that in the last four weeks, but it's about time we got the trial started! If you weren't an eminent and respected judge of many years standing, I'd be tempted to say you're stalling for time for some reason ...

He hands the paperback copy of Lady Chatterly's Lover back to the Judge and sits down.

Judge:

Uh ... emm ... All right all right ... keep your hair on. Commence the trial!

Jim:

(Looking up, suddenly startled by the movement and bustle in the court) Oh oh ... Looks like this is IT. (Flicking open his communicator) Kirk here, ... Scotty, I seem to remember contacting you about four weeks ago and very politely requesting you to get over here double quick to spring me out of this situation ... Your excuse better be damn good.

Scotty:

Sorry cap'n ... we thought you were just joking ... You really MEANT it?

Jim:

...

Scotty:

You did mean it.

Jim:

What the blazes have you been doing for the last four weeks, man!! Surely it's not taken you that long to repair the ship?

Scotty:

Och aye captain, we repaired the ship weeks ago. We've been off on a couple of ... err ... adventures since then ...

Jim:

(Seething) You went on an adventure without me!!??!?!?! Just you wait till I get back to the ship ... there's going to be trouble ... Kirk out! (He smashes the communicator against the wall and tosses it amongst the pile of crumpled letters. Scotty's voice crackles out briefly from the smashed communicator ... "Spock's gone missing again by the way capt", but ends abruptly when Jim's boot finishes it off)

Clerk:

Commencing the case for the prosecution ...

Gandalf:

Ahem! ... The prosecution's case is brief and to the point. This man is GUILTY, and given the hopelessness of his position we fully expect him to plead GUILTY now and save us all a lot of bother. That concludes the case for the prosecution. (This is followed by a hard penetrating stare in Jim's direction which makes him feel decidedly uneasy)

Clerk:

I think at this point we should really ask the defendant how he pleads ...

Judge:

I may be wrong here ... but shouldn't we have done that at the beginning?

Clerk:

Yes yes ... give me a chance ... this is the first time I've done all this ... anyway ... How do you plead, oh guilty man who standeth before us, guiltily?

Jim:

NOT GUILTY!!

The court is in uproar! ... The council for the prosecution fight amongst themselves, the locals jeer and throw vegetables again, and the clerk of the court tears his hair out in handfuls.

Clerk:

(Once things calm down a little) Oh bloody 'ell!!!! Call the first witness for the defence!

Jim:

I didn't know I had any?

Clerk:

We ... erm ... found a few for you.

Jim:

Hey thanks! (Jim starts smiling as things seem to be going better at last. With someone to support his defence he might just have a chance ... though he can't quite work out why the council for the prosecution also seem to be smiling again)

Clerk:

Call Mr. Arnold Johnson.

Jim:

(To himself) Hmmm ... that name sounds familiar ...

Clerk:

Right Mr. Johnson, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Johnson:

Nope.

Clerk:

Thanks goodness for that. Tell us some lies about the defendant then.

Johnson:

Right! This young whippersnapper was the son of my next door neighbour Brad C. O'Flaherty ...

Judge:

Emm ... sorry for butting in here ... but ... O'Flaherty?? You mean Kirk surely?

Johnson:

Look, I was paid good money to lie about the defendant, so I had to slip one in there ... Not that I need to make anything up about THIS character ...

Jim:

Damn ... this is going badly ... I've had it when he gets round to telling them about the ...

Johnson:

The matter which sticks most in my mind was the time when Kirk here managed to "accidentally" burn down my home one Christmas Eve as we were all sleeping peacefully in our beds ...

Cries of Shame! and Hang him! Hang him! go up all round the court.

Johnson:

(Now in tears) ... and I can never forgive myself for the day I let him take my only daughter out for the evening ... She came back in a coffin ... then he killed my dog Snuffles in a shooting "accident", ran my wife over in his car, and landed me up in jail for 25 years for attempted murder ...

Things are looking bad for Jim ... VERY bad ... It looks like he has finally met his end ... a public hanging ... what can possibly save him now?

Judge:

What about a legal technicality?

Yes, that'd do. But the combined legal prowess in the room at this time falls short of that possessed by a squirrel ... What's more, none of them are on Jim's side ... or are they ...

Judge:

(Who has been furiously studying a little book entitled "Beginner's Guide to Legal Practice" for the last ten minutes) I've had enough of this. I will hear no more!

A cheer goes up around the court as the crowd senses Jim's sentence is about to be delivered.

Judge:

On a legal technicality I am obliged to drop all charges against the defendant ... The witness for the defence MUST be cross examined by the defence council ... This was not carried out properly so I'm afraid all this doesn't count ... sorry ... collect your hanging ticket refunds from the clerk of the court ... thank you.

The court is in uproar! Again! The judge ducks under his desk as a tomato splatters on the wall behind him. Jim feels someone tugging at his arm.

Judge:

They're all getting highly illogical ... let's get out of here!

Jim:

(Giving him a big slobbery kiss ... yucko!) Spock!

Spock:

Yuuuech! ... come on!!! there's not much time.

By some miracle they manage to make their way safely out of the courtroom through the crowds of angry locals. (Well OK ... the miracle was actually due to Spock's phaser which is more than a match for the tomatoes and cabbages being wielded by the locals ... EVEN in close hand to hand skirmishes). Not far off they spot Scotty waiting patiently with two red jerseyed guards.

Jim:

We better make this realistic ...

He grabs Spock's phaser and shoots the two guards dead.

Scotty:

There's no time for frills! ... Come on! ... ready to beam up? Yes ... OK ...

They materialise back aboard the Enterprise which then rapidly leaves orbit and heads for deep space.

Jim:

What was the big hurry?

Spock:

THAT!

He points at the viewing screen. Behind them the planet explodes impressively, momentarily dazzling their eyes with the colourful pyrotechnics.

Scotty:

We spent the last four weeks planting charges all over the planet ... so you see we weren't exactly twiddling our thumbs.

Jim:

(Slapping them both on the back) Good work!

Scotty:

(A little embarrassed) Though not strictly in accordance with the Prime Directive, eh?

Jim:

The WHAT???

They all burst out laughing ... which is a nice, if rather cliched, place to end this episode.

Episode 5

Arnold Johnson was a man with a mission. But the authorities shut it down when the revelations about the nuns came out into the open. That was all history for Arnold Johnson now ... he had a vendetta to repay ... a deadly vendetta ... Arnold Johnson's sole remaining ambition was to kill James Tiberius Kirk. Many thought that such a middle name was reason enough to kill a man, but for Arnold Johnson, the reasons were much more personal. His hate had driven him to give damning evidence against Kirk at his recent trial ... a trial which should have resulted in Kirk's conviction ... and ultimate execution ... but Kirk had escaped ... AGAIN!!!

Arnold Johnson too had been lucky ... Through his years of chasing Kirk around the galaxy he had come to recognise the signs of an imminent Kirk escape ... Too many times before Kirk had slipped through his fingers ... but this time he wasn't going to get away. Shrinking himself magically down to the size of a bright shiny HB pencil, newly sharpened, with a rubber on one end, he clambered into Spock's trousers and hid himself ... Enduring squalid conditions he hid there until some hours later when he was sure they were now aboard the Enterprise ... then ... wriggling free ... he jumped ...

Ensign Smith:

First officer Spock!

Spock:

Yes, Smith?

Ensign Smith:

Did you just drop this pencil?

Spock:

Errr ... No I don't think so ... you keep it, Ensign.

Ensign Smith:

Gee! ... Thanks sir!

As the ship's self styled pencil collector, Smith was bound to have gotten his hands on the pencil sooner or later ... His habit of following senior crew members about in the hope that they'd drop some valuable pencil had given him a bit of a strange reputation on the ship ... but he cared little for what the other crew members thought of him. None of them really appreciated the beauty of a well made pencil like this one ... It was almost as good as his coveted 1956 model, with self sharpening tip, and sprung, low-profile, chromed rubber holder. Eagerly he hurried off down the corridor ... desperate to get back to his cabin where he could once more be alone with his pencils ...

Captain's Log, Star date Seven Sixty, Point Three Four: Ship's crew in state of shock after the news of Ensign Smith's murder ... We found him in his cabin ... cruelly impaled on his pencil collection ... a recently made stand intended obviously for a new addition to his collection ... lying mysteriously empty by his side ... All that is clear is that we have a sadistic murderer at large aboard the ship ... who knows where he ... or she ... or IT ... will strike next?

Captain's Personal Log, Star date Seven Sixty, Point Three Five: Must remember to collect new toothbrush from the stores when I go off duty later on.

Jim:

Damn ... Damn damn damn!

Spock:

What is it Jim?

Jim:

I REALLY hate it when we've got a murderer aboard the ship.

Spock raises a questioning eyebrow.

Jim:

It means we can't have a proper adventure ... like down on a planet or anything like that ...

Spock:

You know as well as I do, that for budgetary reasons we can only have an on-planet adventure every second week ... however ... back to the problem of a murderer aboard ship ... I believe the correct procedure is to wait here on the bridge until he kills approximately 12.56 crew members ... he makes THREE silly mistakes through which he gives himself away ... and Security end up shooting him in the lower deck corridors.

Jim:

Funny place to shoot someone ... I thought they were trained to aim for the legs?

Spock:

Geographically speaking ... not anatomically, Captain.

Jim:

I see ... so basically we sit tight and leave it up to Security?

Spock:

Precisely ... however much it pains me to say so.

Jim:

I know what you mean, Spock ... they're pretty pathetic aren't they? Oh well, since we're not doing anything else ... how about an "on-bridge" adventure?

Spock:

You're really determined to have an adventure this week aren't you, Jim? I suppose it would be all right ... but we must try to keep to the bridge as much as possible ... It'll be safer anyway.

Jim:

Excellent! Sulu ... bring up the forward viewer ... I feel an adventure coming on ... and, if I'm not very much mistaken, the prospect of lashings of ginger beer ...

Sulu:

Aye aye sir.

Checkov:

Holy cow! ... what is it captain!??!

Jim:

It's a large domesticated herbivore, often used to provide milk ... but that's not important right now, Checkov ... It's that massive galactic dust cloud ahead that worries me ... Scanners Spock?

Spock:

Scan indicates a high intensity energy field emanating from the centre of the cloud ... It's emitting signals on all frequencies ... but ... fascinating ...

Jim:

Analysis, Spock?

Spock:

A most interesting phenomenon captain ... it's primarily emitting signals within the audio frequency range of human hearing ...

Jim:

In deep space?

Spock:

Strange indeed ... I'm feeding the signals to the bridge speakers now ... It's fairly garbled ...

Speakers:

adhgfsgalsdl glkjlkjdsvhkghjdasghgmnashkdglldsglgksdfghsd

Spock:

Applying pre-filtering and computer aided enhancement ...

Speakers:

k;dfghsjl;alshkdfgh;lk ;lhjflkjhjdfglkjmdflkgkldsjfghldkjfjjldfg

Spock:

Emmm ... Let's try a reverse Fourier transform ...

Speakers:

kaghdsjs;dlk;lh;k; ;shkdflkjsdhf sjdflksadk assjhdg

Spock:

ah that's better ... hmmm ... fascinating ... (Thinking intensely for a moment) It would appear to be the words of an ancient Earth philosopher from your mid to late 20th century ... whom I believe was known to millions as ... err ... "Elmer ... Fudd" ...

The rest of the bridge crew glance worriedly at the captain with "Oh Oh ... Spock's flipped again" looks on their faces.

Jim:

(Motioning to Checkov to call sickbay ... and at the same time trying to retain his composure) Spock ... All I hear is "kaghdsjs;dlk;lh;k; ;shkdflkjsdhf sjdflksadk assjhdg" which is unintelligible at the best of times ... and hardly grounds for the earth shattering conclusion you have just made ...

Spock:

Ah ... sorry ... (Flicking a switch) ... there ...

Speakers:

... SSSSSHHH!! ... I'm hunting a wabbit ... I'm going to get me dat pesky wabbit if its de wast thing I do ...

Spock:

It appears to be changing captain ...

Speakers:

... This is the BBC World Service ... this is DAMN fine coffee ... this parrot is dead! ... it's NOT ... it's just restin' ... it's pinin' for the fjords ...

Jim:

Shut it off Spock ... PLEASE!! ... I can't hear myself think!

Spock:

I HAVE shut it off Captain ... but ...

Speakers:

... I am that man ... read my lips ... NO NEW TAXES ...

Jim:

It's degenerating into utter gibberish now ...

Spock:

It seems to have replicated itself in the ship's audio system!! and is spreading ...

Jim:

You mean???? ...

Spock:

Yes ...

Jim:

It's ... alive????

Spock:

Yes ... quite fascinating ... a living being in the form of an audible pattern. It's multiplying rapidly and spreading throughout the ship ... Deck 4 audio system has just been infested ... Decks 5 and 6 are uninfected so far ... no wait ... they've gone too ... it's beyond our control ...

Speakers:

(Louder) ... Commander Riker ... report to the bridge ... First Engineer ... report to the bridge ... Make it so ...

Jim:

What rubbish is this now!?

Spock:

I have a theory captain ...

Jim:

Go ahead Spock ... I'm open to suggestions ... this thing is driving me up the wall!!

Spock:

I would submit the following: We could double our working capital overnight by simply selling three of the shuttle craft and leasing them back on a monthly basis. The money saved could be invested in a wide portfolio to spread our risk, and who knows ... within a year we could have increased our original capital reserves by as much as 50% ...

Jim:

Spock ... I meant ... "do you have any theories on our current predicament!??"

Spock:

Well I have a bit of a theory about that too ... but it won't help our finances very much ...

Jim:

Spock ... would you like to spend the next three weeks strapped into a bed in sickbay with Nurse Chappell doing unspeakable things to your precious Vulcan anatomy?

Spock:

Ummmmm ... well ... now that you mention it ... Then again ... on second thoughts, No, sir ... I will tell you my theory: For hundreds of years this energy cloud has been absorbing radio and TV transmissions emanating from Earth ... and quite possibly from other planets throughout the galaxy ... This massive concentration of data has somehow produced conditions which have given birth to a "creature" in the form we are now experiencing ... It may be that it was awakened by our sensor transmissions, and is now trying to ... emm ... "mate" ... with our ship's communications system ...

Uhura leaps to her feet with a look of disgust on her face, and throws her earpiece to the floor.

Jim:

That's pretty far fetched even by your standards, Spock ... but I guess I'll have to buy it ... Hmmm ... can you patch me through to Scotty?

Spock:

I'll have to route the signal via an auxiliary route ... the main communications links to the Engine Room are already infected by the creature.

Jim:

Scotty? Can you hear me?

Scotty:

Aye Captain ... I can just hear you.

Jim:

Give us full warp power ... We're going to try a slingshot manoeuvre to see if we can throw this thing off.

Scotty:

Ach ... but Captain ... The Dilithium Crys ...

Jim:

Do it Scotty!! ... Now!

Scotty:

... tals canna tak ... Oh what the hell ...

The Enterprise lurches backward suddenly for an instant ... then with all the pent up force of quite a big rubber band it flashes instantly to warp factor 12 and vanishes from the current space-time dimension ... leaving behind several unimportant bits of bodywork that sort of broke off through the force of the slingshot effect. Bones storms on to the bridge.

Bones:

Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a bricklayer!

Jim:

We never said you were ...

Bones:

Dammit Jim, someone did ... and I'm not doing it!

Jim:

Doing what, for goodness sake man?

Bones:

Dammit Jim ... Bricklaying!! ... It's Nurse Chappell ... She's deeply involved with this garden in the level 3 horticultural rec. room and she wants me to build a retaining wall for her ornamental shrubbery ... and dammit Jim ... I'm NOT DOING it ...

Jim:

Calm down, Bones ... I'll have a word with her about it ... but at the moment we've got more urgent matters to attend to ... Spock, have we thrown off that THING ?

Spock:

It would appear so, captain ... communications links are now clear on all decks ... I think congratulations are in order ...

The turbo lift door opens.

Voice:

NOT so fast, Kirk! (Sinister music)

Episode 6

Jim:

(Whirling round in surprise) What the ...

Standing in the turbo lift door is Arnold Johnson, now in human rather than pencil form, and menacingly pointing a phaser in Jim's direction.

Arnold:

That's right Kirk! It's me ... I've got you at last ... there's no escape now ...

Jim:

Ha! ... we'll see about that ...

He leafs through the draft versions of next week's episode for some hint of reassurance ... and his smile turns abruptly to a very worried frown.

Arnold:

Something troubling you Kirk! ... ha ha!

Jim:

(Trembling slightly) Emmm ... there must be some mistake here ... I don't appear to be in next week's episode ...

Arnold:

You've FINALLY met your comeuppance Kirk ... you're actually going to DIE!! ... cackle cackle ...

Jim:

(Almost in tears now) I cannot believe this ... I just cannot believe it ...

He clutches dramatically at his chest and falls to the floor in a very convincing faint ... Arnold Johnson is momentarily thrown off guard and steps back uncertainly into the turbo lift ...

Spock:

NOW Sulu!

In a flash, Sulu draws his phaser and fires off a bolt into the turbo lift narrowly missing Johnson as he struggles with the lift controls. The door snaps shut just as Sulu lets off another blast ... which then ricochets around the bridge rather terrifyingly for a few seconds ... demolishing a couple of seats, and narrowly grazing Jim's prone form.

Spock:

Sulu! ... STOP FIRING NOW!!!!

Sulu:

Yessir ...

Spock:

Jim? Are you all right?

Jim:

Sure Spock! ... except for this burn mark across my buttocks!

He glances reproachfully at Sulu, who's studiously examining the remains of his navigation seat.

Spock:

A very well worked plan, dare I say Jim ... Lulling your opponent into a false sense of security like that ... The idea of making him think you weren't in next week's episode must've really made him believe he finally had you! ... Brilliant!

Jim:

Ahem yes ... except for the fact that I AM NOT in next week's damned episode!! But we'll sort that out later ... Now we better corner this madman ...

He returns to his seat and flicks a switch.

Jim:

Security ... Kirk here ... I want patrols on all decks ... we've got an intruder aboard ship ... Let me know when you've got him cornered.

Security:

Aye aye sir.

Jim:

Oh and get someone to come up here with a spare pair of trousers from my cabin ... Kirk out.

Captain's Log, Star date Seven Sixty, Point Three Six ... and a bit: I've got a new pair of trousers on and they're feeling pretty tight and uncomfortable, I must say. However, I do like the pockets on this particular pair because they've got little zip fasteners on them and you can put small things in them and be sure that they won't ever fall out and get lost. This is often a worry with my more usual pair of trousers ... which are now consigned to the trash recycler in view of a rather large and suspicious burn mark across the backside.

Supplementary Note: We've got a murderer at large on the lower decks somewhere ... security have the situation in hand. Just awaiting word from them when they've finally cornered the damned lunatic.

Voice:

Security to bridge.

Jim:

Kirk here ... go ahead.

Security:

We've successfully captured those two Italian crew members you wanted to talk to ... Nickedyatelli and Videonasti, pending investigations into illegal jersey dealing on the lower decks.

Jim:

That was WEEKS ago I asked you to bring them to me ... and you're telling me that you've only just found them??

Security:

Come on ... be fair ... our resources are pretty badly stretched down here in Security, Captain ... We've got a heavy workload of ongoing investigations ... and our staffing levels are very variable to say the least ...

Jim:

That's no excuse! ... You can take it from me that I'll be initiating some investigations of my own into gross inefficiency in the Security section, once this current crisis has been resolved ... and I trust that you'll now place some degree of priority on apprehending this murderer we've got at large on the ship! ... Kirk OUT!!

Security:

Oh bugger ...

Jim:

What was that, Security?

Security:

Oh ... eh ... nothing sir ... Security out.

Jim:

(Turning to Spock) What a pathetic bunch of idiots we've got down there! ... Remind me to follow up on that investigation which I threatened them with ... They need a good shake-up.

Spock:

Good idea, Jim.

Jim:

No doubt it'll be another 4 weeks before they track down Arnold Johnson.

Spock:

How about a little game while we're waiting?

Jim:

A game??? ... of what??

Spock:

I believe you call it 'I-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye' ... but we call it F'r-kyeen-kerip on Vulcan.

Jim:

Oh all right ... why not ... you start then.

Spock:

Ee-F'r-kyeen-kerip-ya ... err sorry ... I expect I better play in English ... I spy with my little eye ... something beginning with 'T'.

Jim:

Spock ... this better not be the word beginning with 'T' that I think it is ... or else you're going to be shouted at and sent to your cabin at once ... and you'll get no supper ...

Spock sighs, gets up out of his seat and makes for the turbo lift ... thus cleverly avoiding being shouted at.

Jim:

I think I can see why they call it F'r-kyeen-kerip ... And if he DARES mention Tribbles again I'm leaving him ashore at the next star base ... and that's a promise!

Sulu:

...

Jim:

Shut up, Sulu.

Sulu:

But ...

Jim:

Don't disturb me until Johnson's been caught!!

He settles down in his seat and is soon snoring away happily. Meanwhile on the lower decks Security have 'got the finger out' and are mounting the biggest operation in their history ... well ... the biggest operation since the great Deck 4 Betting Syndicate was broken up in a series of early morning raids conducted by Security personnel dressed in cleaning operative's outfits ... Significant as much for the latter detail as for the overall success of the operation, since any excuse to get out of a Red jersey was worth 10 weeks of careful planning, training and full dress rehearsal dummy runs.

Episode 7

Jim:

(Waking up and yawning) Any word from Security yet?

Spock:

I'm afraid not, Captain ... Still nothing ... There's no sign of Johnson at all.

Jim:

Well I'm not staying here any longer ... I'm going to my cabin for a proper sleep.

Spock:

That's a good idea, Sir ... By the way ... have you noticed you appear to be in this week's episode after all.

Jim:

Hmmmm ... so I am ... (Looking about suspiciously) Hey wait a minute, are you sure you lot haven't done an extra episode while I was asleep there?

Spock:

I can assure you, Captain that we would never consider doing any episodes without your full participation.

Jim:

Hmmm ... all right ... I'll see you later ... and don't do anything of any interest while I'm away.

Spock:

We won't.

Jim:

Promise?

Spock:

We promise ... Don't we Sulu?

Sulu:

Yes Sir, we promise.

Jim makes for the turbo lift. Three minutes later he is in his cabin. After posting a DO NOT DISTURB notice and securing the door, he settles down in his bunk and is soon fast asleep once more ...

Meanwhile back on the bridge, Spock is hatching a plan ... This could be construed as something of interest, and hence in breach of the promise made to his now snoring Captain. But of course all Spock's mysterious plans always turn out to be to the ultimate good of the ship and crew in the end so we'll let him off with it.

Sulu is also doing something of interest, inevitably to the ultimate detriment of the ship and crew, but we'll let him off on compassionate grounds.

Some hours later ... Jim awakes to be confronted by a strange apparition in his cabin.

Jim:

What the ...

At the end of his bed stands a giant chicken.

Chicken:

(In a loud booming voice) James T. Kirk ... James T. Kirk ... Hear what I have to say ...

Jim:

(Trembling slightly) Y ... Y ... Y ... Yes ...??

Chicken:

I come to you with three messages which you must heed.

Jim:

Hey ... aren't you Foghorn Leghorn, the famous cartoon character?

Chicken:

(Angered at the interruption) NO! ... I am simply a giant chicken ... now LISTEN!!

Jim:

I'm listening ... I'm listening ...

Chicken:

The first message is this: Do not scorn the advice of the one who hears by differing means.

Jim:

Eh? ... what's that supposed to mean???

Chicken:

(Ignoring Jim's interruption) The second is this: Your adversary is to be found where the flowers grow.

Jim:

Hmm ... I think I can just about understand that one ... Johnson ... he's in the Horticultural Rec. Room, isn't he?

Chicken:

(Continuing without replying to Jim's query) And the final message: The towels are not what they seem.

Jim:

Can't you talk in anything but riddles? That's ridiculous! It makes NO sense at all ... hey ... come back!

Chicken:

Fare well, Kirk, and heed these three messages well!

The chicken vanishes.

Jim:

(Incredulously) Well bugger me! You don't see that very often ... I wonder what it all meant???

He heads off for the bridge.

Jim:

Spock ... Spock! I've just had the weirdest dream!

Spock:

Really?

Jim:

Yes there was this giant chi ... there was this giant ... emmm ... there was this guy ... and he came up to me and gave me three pieces of information ... All in riddles ...

Spock:

I see ... (raising an eyebrow in the usual manner)

Jim:

Listen ... it's important! ... The only one I could work out was that Johnson is hiding in the level 3 horticultural rec. room.

Spock:

I'll send a security team down there straight away then ... Excuse me one moment ... Security ...

Security:

Yo!

Spock:

Yo?

Security:

I mean ... yes sir?

Spock:

Get a team down to the level 3 horticultural rec. room and seal off the area. We believe Johnson might be holed up in there somewhere ... and be careful ... he's probably armed ... and he's certainly dangerous.

Security:

Roger ... over and out.

Spock:

Please continue captain.

Jim:

And the other messages: "The towels are not what they seem", and ... "Do not scorn the advice of the one who hears by differing means".

Spock:

(Raising the other eyebrow) Most peculiar ...

Jim:

Any ideas?

Spock:

I'm afraid not, sir.

Sulu:

Spock's got funny ears ...

Jim:

(Losing his temper suddenly) Shut up Sulu! Your inane comments are not welcome! ... especially when they are blatantly insulting to Mr. Spock here!

Spock:

Let him finish captain ... he may be on to something ...

Sulu:

I mean, Spock's ears are different to ours ... and ears are what you hear with ... so he hears by differing means.

Jim:

I hardly think it's THAT simple, Sulu ...

Spock:

On the contrary, I think he's right.

Jim:

Eh? ... oh well ... it's the best theory we have so far ... I guess it means we've to listen to your advice on some important matter.

Spock:

It would appear so.

Jim:

But the last one ... about the towels ... weird!

Spock:

I expect the meaning will become apparent when the time is right.

Jim:

Hmmm ... I hope so ... it's annoying me though ... where's Checkov? I really feel like punching someone to give vent to my frustrations ... besides this episode really needs a fist fight to perk up the ratings.

Captain's Log, Star date Seven Sixty, Point Three Seven-Niner. I have experienced a strange visitation from a (whispering) giant chicken (returning to normal speaking voice) which gave three coded messages to me. So far we have deciphered two of them, but the third still eludes us. As a result of one of these messages a security team has been sent to the level 3 horticultural rec. room, and I'm now waiting for them to report back.

Captain's Log - Supplementary. This is NO substitute for punching Checkov.

Sulu:

Did you say something about a giant chicken there, sir?

Jim:

Errr ... no ... of course not!! ... ahem ... (Regaining his composure) You should be reminded in future not to listen in on Captain's Log entries!

Sulu:

Sorry sir ... it won't happen again ... it's just I thought you said something about a giant chi ... (He stops short due to a threatening look from the captain)

Security:

Security to bridge.

Jim:

Go ahead.

Security:

We've cornered Johnson in the rec. room ... he's holed up behind a shrubbery, and he's got Nurse Chappell hostage

Jim:

Groan ... That's ALL we need ... Spock ... Sulu ... follow me! Security ... we're on our way!!

They all head off the bridge at a run, and almost knock over Bones as he emerges from the turbo lift.

Bones:

Dammit Jim ...

Jim:

Come on Bones ... we've cornered Johnson ... he's got Nurse Chappell though ...

Bones:

This I've GOT to see.

Jim:

Spock, I've just remembered we've got that special feature to do this week.

Spock:

Hmm ... that's right! I'd almost forgotten about it amidst all the excitement.

Jim:

Sulu ... Bones ... you head for the rec. room and wait for us there. Spock and I have a small matter to attend to.

Bones:

Where are you going, Jim?

Jim:

Deck 4 Toilet Complex.

Bones:

Oh I see ... Look Jim, if the thought of confronting Johnson is having that effect perhaps I can prescribe something for you?

Jim:

I think you misunderstand me, Bones.

Bones:

Jim, I'm your Doctor ... digestive complaints are my speciality.

Jim:

Bones, I'm fine!

Bones:

(Sceptically) If you say so ...

Bones and Sulu hop off the turbo lift at deck 3 and say their goodbye's. Sulu promises to write or at least send a postcard or something ... but is assured by Spock that this is unnecessary as they will only be parted for half an hour or so.

Emerging from the turbo lift, Jim and Spock amble down the corridor towards the toilet complex.

Jim:

Incidentally Spock, I never knew your first name was Brian.

Spock:

(Looking decidedly unhappy) Hmm ... I WAS trying to keep it a secret.

Jim:

Oh sorry old friend ... Hey look! ... here comes Checkov.

Checkov:

Hello keptin ... what are you ... unnnnngh ...

Checkov crumples to the deck.

Jim:

(Casually examining his hand and flexing his fingers) Ahhhh ... that's better ...

Spock:

(Flicking open his communicator) Sickbay ... send down a stretcher to deck 4 ... main corridor. Ensign Checkov requires urgent medical attention.

They walk on.

Jim:

Ah ... here we are at last ... Will I do the talk this week or would you prefer to?

Spock:

You do it sir.

Jim:

Well folks ... here we are on deck 4 at the main toilet complex. A very important facility on board a star ship with a crew of several hundred, who contrary to popular belief DO need to pay a visit from time to time. Hey what a piece of luck! ... Here comes Johnny 'Flusher' Smith ... who's responsible for the whole complex. He's the very man to answer our questions.

Johnny:

Hello Captain, what can I do for you, if you'll pardon the expression?

Jim:

Ha ... always the joker, eh Johnny? Actually I was wondering if you'd give the folks a run down on the day to day running of the complex?

Johnny:

Sure Captain ... Well folks, it's a busy little operation we're running down here. I get approximately 200 customers per day. We use and recycle 500 gallons of water in that time, and get through a mile of paper in a week ... or 1.7048E-13 light years in astronomical terms.

Jim:

Quite an operation! And the place always looks so clean and well kept.

Johnny:

Well thank you, Captain ... I pride myself on running an efficient set up.

Jim:

Of course the toilet complex fulfils another valuable role doesn't it Johnny?

Johnny:

That's right sir ... the ship's secret door "sheeshing" mechanism is housed here.

Jim:

Which cistern's it hidden behind this week, Johnny?

Johnny:

I can't divulge that sir ... that's classified information.

Jim:

(Smiling) Just testing Johnny, just testing! Well done!

Johnny:

Can't be too careful you know sir ... What the Klingons would give to get their hands on that technology! ... There's already been one attempt to steal it, as you know.

Jim:

(Glancing around and noticing something odd by the wash-hand basins) Emmm ... Johnny? ... Couldn't help noticing something funny about the ... towels.

Johnny:

Hmmm ... You know, I've just noticed it too ... they're looking very fluffy aren't they ... nice assortment of colours this week.

Jim:

It's not that ... it's the strange way they roll up into balls from time to time and move about making squeaking noises.

Johnny:

Hmm ... That IS strange isn't it.

Spock:

The towels are not what they seem.

Jim:

Eh? What? Ah! The third message! ... That's it! ... The towels SEEM to be tribbles ... but the message says they're not ... which is just as well because we all know there are NO TRIBBLES ON THIS SHIP! ... don't we Spock? ... Spock??? ... Brian???

Jim sighs and flicks open his communicator.

Jim:

Kirk to sickbay ... send someone down to the deck 4 toilet complex ... Spock's fainted.

Episode 8

Captain's Log, Star date Seven Sixty, Point Three Eight Zero. I'm proceeding to the Horticultural rec. room where Nurse Chappell is being held hostage by the renegade, Johnson. Spock and Checkov have been taken to sickbay for treatment. Hopefully now that the tribbles found posing as towels in the toilet complex have been ejected, Spock can finally be cured of his delusion that there are any left aboard ship. One mystery remains unsolved: who or WHAT ... was the giant chicken that came to my cabin? and what was it's aim in providing me with the three cryptic messages?

Jim:

(Arriving at the rec. room) OK Bones ... what's the situation?

Bones:

Johnson and Nurse Chappell are in good cover just behind the shrubbery over there ... He's got a phaser ... We think it's set to kill.

Jim:

How do you know that?

Bones:

(Pointing to two bodies nearby) Well ... guard Johnson, and guard ... Johnson haven't woken up yet ... and dammit Jim if you want a medical opinion, I don't think they're going to.

Jim:

Err ... why are they called Johnson?

Bones:

Most of the guards are called that ... hadn't you noticed?

Jim:

But this is confusing ... Johnson is called Johnson too ... how do we know who's on our side?

Bones:

Well clearly sergeant Johnson here and guards Johnson, Johnson, McCoist, Hateley, and Johnson over there are on our side, whereas Johnson behind the shrubbery isn't.

Jim:

Right OK ... I THINK I've got that roughly ... OK ... listen ... here's my plan: All we need to do is send someone down the far wall to draw his fire ... probably one of the Johnson's will do ... then ... while Johnson is occupied ... yes, what is it?

Bones:

Excuse me Jim. Which Johnson do you mean? Johnson-behind-the-shrubbery or Johnson-running-down-the-far-wall-and-getting-shot-at?

Jim:

Johnson-behind-the-shrubbery of course!

Bones:

Ah ... right ... please continue.

Jim:

OK ... while he's occupied ... we come round in a sort of one pincered pincer movement and rush him.

Bones:

It's a suicidal plan, Jim, ... we'll all be killed unless we're major characters wearing the right type of jersey.

Jim:

And??

Bones:

And? ... oh I see ... yes of course ... and we ARE!

Jim:

You got it Bones ... Now ... Sergeant Johnson?

Johnson:

Yessir?

Jim:

I want you to set off down the far wall and draw Johnson's fire ... and for god's sake man ... be careful not to step on the flower beds.

Johnson:

Yessir.

Jim:

Right, off you go.

A hail of phaser fire comes bursting from the shrubbery as Johnson sets off at a run ... skirting the wall ... and the flower beds.

Jim:

OK ... ready everyone?

Bones:

Wait Jim! Johnson's been shot.

Jim:

Damn! OK ... keep calm ... hold positions everyone ... We'll need to send someone else ... Guard Johnson?

Johnson:

Yessir?

Jim:

I know the Sergeant would be proud of you boy ... so do this just for him ... down the wall ... draw Johnson's fire ... OK? Chop chop.

Johnson:

Yes SIR! ... for the sergeant! (Saluting eagerly)

He sets off ... to be greeted by a volley of phaser fire.

Jim:

OK everyone, get ready.

Bones:

Johnson just bought it too.

Ten minutes later ...

Jim:

(Sighing) OK Bones ... who's left?

Bones:

Well we ran out of Johnsons 3 minutes ago ... then McCoist and Hateley bought it when you tried that subtle two pronged attack ... with them both weaving in and out of the cabbages.

Jim:

So basically it's you, me and Sulu?

Bones:

Dammit Jim ... you're right.

Jim:

There's only one thing for it then ...

Bones:

We all go?

Jim:

No ... we send Sulu.

Sulu:

What was that?

Jim:

Sulu, it's very simple ... we want you to ...

Sulu:

Run down the far wall ... and draw Johnson's fire?

Jim:

Right! And if you want you can weave about a bit. It might help.

Sulu:

(Looking a bit happier at the prospect of being able to weave about a bit) Yes OK, I suppose so, sir.

Jim:

Off you go then.

Sulu sets off and manages to dodge the first few phaser shots ... but suddenly all goes quiet again.

Bones:

Gulp ... the shooting's stopped ... Sulu's been blasted too!

They look up though from their cover ... and to their surprise see Sulu skipping on down towards Johnson who's now standing up fiddling frantically with his phaser which is obviously now out of charge.

Jim:

Tally ho Bones! Let's get him!

Jim and Bones make a mad rush towards Johnson, but before they reach him and flatten him, Sulu has already doubled up their adversary with two swift karate hits to well chosen vulnerable locations.

Johnson:

Oooomph!! Unnnngh ... eeek! (Thud)

Jim:

Well done Sulu! ... I never thought you had it in you ... or to be more precise I always thought you were a completely useless idiot!

Sulu:

(Proudly) Thank you captain.

Jim:

Don't mention it ... OK ... let's get this mess cleared up. Kirk to Security ... get some men down here to take Johnson away. Kirk out. (He thinks for a moment) Kirk to Gardening Section.

Gardening Section:

Gardening here, Sir.

Jim:

I want you to get your men down to the level 3 Horticultural rec. room. I'm afraid we've got a few trampled flower beds and vegetable plots needing to be dealt with. Can you handle it?

Gardening Section:

Right away sir ... Gardening out.

Nurse Chappell:

Hey! what about me?

Bones:

What ABOUT you?

Nurse Chappell:

Aren't you going to ask me how I am?

Bones:

Dammit woman! All you can think about is yourself! Get back to the sickbay ... we've got two patients needing your attention!

As security men appear to take away Johnson, and the green jerseyed men of the Gardening Section begin to arrive with their trowels, Jim, Bones and Sulu head for the rec. room exit.

Jim:

(Clapping Bones and Sulu on the back) Ah ... a job well done don't you think?

Bones:

Not quite ... give me your phaser, Jim.

Bones turns round and blasts the shrubbery to smithereens ... then wanders off after Nurse Chappell muttering something about retaining walls ... and "Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a bricklayer."