VaxTrek II

by David J.Young (cnbr10@vaxa.strath.ac.uk)   24 August 1990

VAX Trek VI The Book, The Film, The Video: The Search For Spock

Episode 1

Jim:

Where's Spock?

Sulu:

I'm sorry Captain, I don't know.

Jim:

Looks like we'll have to go and search for him again.

He gets up from his seat and makes for the turbolift.

Spock:

(Suddenly appearing from behind a computer cabinet) Wait Jim ... I'm over here!

Jim:

Ah! it's ok ... we've found him.

VAX Trek VII, The Movie: The Interesting Bit

Episode 1

Captain's Log, Stardate 11/780.1234 For the past five days Spock has been inside the ship's computer. His exact purpose is as yet unknown, but it sure as hell better be a good excuse because by opening the cabinet he has annulled our maintenance warranty.

Spock:

Don't worry Jim, I've made a few modifications and I think you'll agree they improve the overall usefulness and user-friendliness of the system.

Jim:

Yes but it was already about as user friendly as a computer can get! It talks in English, it can solve ANY problem you name, AND it even beats you at 3D chess.

Spock:

That was one of the reasons I undertook my modifications.

Sulu:

You Vulcans always were sore losers.

Spock:

It's not that I'm a sore loser ... I just think it's unnatural for a computer to beat a Vulcan at chess.

Jim:

So what DID you do then?

Spock:

Here look ... I'll re-boot it.

He types RUN and presses RETURN.

%SYSTEM-F-PHLOCK, phasers locked, unable to fire error at PC=00000617, PSL=03C00022
%TRACE-F-TRACEBACK, symbolic stack dump follows
module name routine name line rel PC abs
PC INVADERS BOMB 9 00000017 00000617
MOVEALIENS 53 00000078 00000800
MAINLOOP 20 00000100 00000400

Spock:

... ah ...

Jim:

(Drumming his fingers impatiently on the arms of his seat ... and accidentally hitting a few important switches in the process) Well?

Spock:

Just a moment ... I see the problem ... I think I put the wrong system disk in ... right ... it's fixed now.

MSDOS Version 42.0 A>

Jim:

???

Spock:

Now you can run a whole host of industry standard packages, from word processors to spreadsheets. It's the perfect solution to your business needs ...

Scotty:

He sounds just like a damn computer salesman ...

Spock:

... The most demanding applications are easily catered for, and should your needs grow, the PC640000 has ample expansion capabilities. For extra memory, just install the ...

Jim:

(Pointing his phaser at Spock) I want it put back the way it was before ... NOW!

Spock disappears inside the cabinet again and the door slams shut.

Jim:

What is up with Spock these days?

Bones:

I don't think we're taxing his brain enough. I'll give him a going over with my twirly thing when he comes back out.

Jim:

You do that Bones. Now ... where was I ?

Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the bridge.

1st Being:

Greetings, we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ ...

Jim:

Yes yes, we know ... You're LATE!

2nd Being:

We got held up ... we were creating a new galaxy and clever trousers here put in too many carbon atoms, and we had to start all over again.

3rd Being:

It wasn't my fault ... there was a misprint in the instructions.

1st Being:

Anyway ... down to business ... Right Kirk, we understand your Vulcan has been acting up a bit recently? Fortunately your Federation has a full parts and maintenance warranty with us for upkeep of your shipboard Vulcans.

Jim:

Ah! ... good! But I didn't know about any such contract.

1st Being:

Yes well, at the start of the series the Federation felt a bit guilty about sending you off on such a dangerous mission to boldly go where no man has gone before, so they contacted us and paid quite a hefty sum for our top of the range Hardly Credible Amount of Luck and Good Fortune contract. This contract includes a free Vulcan, plus lifetime parts and maintenance guarantee ... so here we are.

Jim:

Yes, we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?

1st Being:

We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away for a while.

Jim:

Be my guest ... he's in the cabinet.

The three beings appear to concentrate for a moment, then Spock materialises before them holding a soldering iron, and with a very bewildered look on his face.

1st Being:

Right, if you just sign here Captain Kirk? ... Thank you ... now we'll be off. He should be ready next Thursday.

2nd Being:

Have a nice day.

Jim:

Ah thank you ... bye.

The three beings fade away, taking Spock with them.

Jim:

What nice people.

Scotty:

Yes ... and they seem to be coming back already, look.

Three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the bridge.

1st Being:

Greetings, we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ ...

Jim:

Yes, yes we know all that ... what are you back for already?

1st Being:

Back? Already? You said "come back next Wednesday at 2 o'clock." Admittedly we're a bit late, but we do eventually keep all our appointments ... though you can't imagine how busy it is being utter overlords of the Universe.

Jim:

But you were here just five minutes ago.

2nd Being:

Nope, that's impossible. Five minutes ago we were at a meeting with our subcontractors in a new black hole building project out at Tau Cetus III.

Jim:

But you were HERE! You came and took Spock away ... our Vulcan crew member. You know ... all to do with the Hardly Credible Amount of Luck and Good Fortune contract we have with you.

3rd Being:

No ... that can't be right. Our records show that the contract you mention ran out 2 and a half years ago. I distinctly remember the representative from your Federation saying "I'll be damned if if I'm going to fork out THAT amount of cash to help out Kirk for a whole five year mission" ...

1st Being:

... So we damned him anyway for a laugh ...

Jim:

But if it wasn't YOU that took Spock away ... WHO WAS IT!!!

They all freeze in various dramatic poses.

Episode 2

Captain's Log, Stardate 11/785.12345. Science officer Spock has been kidnapped by three beings posing as the Utter Overlords of the Universe. Luckily the REAL Utter Overlords of the Universe have turned up and they'll help us track down these criminals and recover Spock.

1st Being:

(Looking about as shifty and embarrassed as a globular being with no visible appendages could possibly be) ... emmm ... well actually we CAN'T help you ...

Jim:

But you're the Utter Overlords of the Universe ... amongst your other more dubious titles ...

1st Being:

To tell the truth ... none of that was true ... we're just servants of The Boss. He's away on holiday at the moment, so we thought we might try out a bit of supreme ruling while he was gone.

2nd Being:

We'd get into terrible trouble if we helped you out too much.

Jim:

Come on ... just a teency weency little clue as to where you think they've taken Spock?

1st Being:

Please! You must understand ... we just can't tell you.

Scotty:

Captain ... what about the ... emm ... you know what. (winking at Jim)

Jim:

(Immediately cottoning on to Scotty's fiendishly cunning plan) Would a milkshake from our food synthesis unit help you change your mind?

The three beings move closer together and begin whispering intensely.

1st Being:

Emmm ... what flavour?

Jim:

Anything you want.

1st Being:

Does it do chive and prune flavour?

In the background Sulu and Checkov turn noticeably pale and slap their hands over their mouths.

Jim:

(Trying to keep control of his stomach ... and only just succeeding) ... Unfortu ... I mean, fortunately, yes ... the food synthesis unit can produce anything you desire.

1st Being:

It's a deal then! ... three chive and prune milkshakes ... and don't forget the Marachino cherries and the little umbrella things.

Jim:

Right away ... Sulu ... go and fetch that order please.

Sulu lurches off the bridge.

Jim:

Right then ... where have they taken Spock?

1st Being:

You're not supposed to know about this ... but there's an alternative Universe through an old black hole near here ... that's where they took your Vulcan.

Jim:

Beta Globulus X9?

1st Being:

Yes ... that's the one ... Ah, the milkshakes ... Thanks ... We'd better be off then.

Sulu, now wearing a spacesuit, hands over the tray of milkshakes ... and the three beings vanish in quite an interesting manner which almost defies description.

Jim:

Sulu ... get to your post and set a course for Beta Globulus X9 ... warp factor ummm let me see ... we haven't done seven for quite a while ... yes ... warp factor seven should about do it.

Sulu:

Aye aye captain.

Ten minutes later the Enterprise arrives in the vicinity of Beta Globulus X9.

Jim:

Right Sulu, slow ahead ... impulse engines only.

Sulu:

You mean we're going into the black hole?

Jim:

Sure thing! ... No-one's ever done it before ... it'll be another first for us.

Scotty:

But we'll be utterly destroyed ... crushed under unimaginable forces ... to say nothing of the cost of the special effects.

Jim:

Trust me ... trust me.

Checkov:

Report from damage control on deck 4, captain. They're getting thrown about a bit down there. Major structural damage ... the two main access corridors have been blocked by wreckage and a huge fireball swept through the whole level killing at least 50 crew members.

Jim:

Not NOW Checkov! ... we haven't entered the black hole yet you fool!

Scotty:

(Pointing to the awesome sight of the swirling maelstrom of the black hole on the main forward viewing screen) Would ye look at that!

Jim:

Right Sulu ... take us in.

The Enterprise begins to pick up speed and heads for the very centre of the black hole. As they descend further and further into its depths the turbulence builds up considerably.

Checkov:

Damage report from deck 4, captain ...

Jim:

Oh forget it Checkov ... we KNOW now.

Splat!!

Scotty:

What the ...

A mass of strange yellowy greenish matter consisting mainly of what appears to be diced carrots and vegetable soup plasters itself across the forward viewing screen.

Jim:

Somebody else obviously came through here and found it as rough as we did ...

Scotty:

Aye..and look at that ... there's tables and chairs and old fridges and TV sets floating about out there ... Look! ... and there's Spock!

Jim:

It's not REALLY Spock ... it's just an image of him ... we must be at the event horizon.

Scotty:

Maybe before we go on we should explain what the event horizon is?

Jim:

Good idea. (Turning to address the camera ... and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper with some hastily scribbled notes on it) Ahem ... The event horizon is the point in a black hole where the gravitational force is such that light can no longer escape, thus the image of any object passing into the black hole is preserved at that point in space for eternity.

The images fade and the turbulence intensifies.

Scotty:

Iiiiitttt''ss ggggetting pppretty rough ccccapttain.

Jim:

It's not so bad if you don't stick two fingers in your mouth and waggle them about like that.

Scotty:

I ggggettt ttthe ffffeeling you'rre nnnnot entering iiinto tthe sssppppirrit of ttthhis.

Jim:

I decided at quite an early age that if I ever had an Entering a Black Hole scene to do I would refrain from the usual cliched overacting ... It's nowhere near as terrifying as they all tell you.

Suddenly the buffeting and turbulence reaches a mind buggering crescendo.. and then ... SILENCE.

Episode 3

Jim:

What?

Scotty:

What??

Jim:

What???

There is a click, and the lights come on again.

Jim:

Thank goodness for that ... I thought I was going to have to do the whole episode in black letters on a black background.

Scotty:

Surprisingly enough we seem to be alive.

Jim:

Yup ... I think so. Sulu ... bring up the forward viewing screen ... if you excuse the expression.

Sulu:

(Still looking a bit nauseous ... and not altogether pleased at Jim's turn of phrase) Aye aye sir.

They stare at the viewing screen.

Jim:

So THIS is what an alternative universe looks like eh? ... I can't say I like the choice of decor. The black void of space ought really to be black ... not tartan.

Scotty:

Och Jim ... you've no taste ... I think I'll go and put on ma kilt. (He leaves the bridge humming a tune to himself)

Jim:

Groan. Sulu ... pin-point the nearest planet, and set a course for it.. Wake me up when we get there.

Sulu:

Aye aye captain.

Jim lies back and ponders an idea for a series of short stories about life in a university in the late 1980's ... but discards the idea when he realises that no-one would possibly believe any of it. Anyway, he thinks to himself just before nodding off, there's no market for historical dramas anymore.

Checkov:

(In a whisper) Right ... he's asleep ... let's go ...

Checkov, Sulu, and the other insignificant crew members on the bridge all creep off in the direction of the turbolift. The bridge is deserted ... and there is no sound other than Jim's snoring, and a series of intermittent squeaks from a family of tribbles living in one of the air conditioning ducts.

Five minutes later, the turbolift door opens with a muted sheesh, and Dr.McCoy advances carefully holding a syringe with a rather large and threatening needle on it ... Behind him, Sulu and Checkov urge him on. At that very moment Jim wakes up.

Jim:

What the h ... owww! ... oooooohh ...

Bones:

Got him!

Checkov:

Well done Doctor McCoy.

Bones:

Well thanks to you I'll be able to give him that medical he's been avoiding for the last ten episodes ... Help me get him down to the sick bay.

They depart again leaving the bridge empty.

Computer:

G G G OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD M @%^&*() ...

Computer:

BING BONG! ... Good morning ... Welcome to the Federation Starship Enterprise ... We are currently cruising at warp factor 5, and your captain today is James T. Kirk. Refreshments are currently being served in the deck 2 rec. room ... thank you ... bing bong.

Computer:

Damn ... no ... that's not the right bit ... Ah ... perhaps if I moved THAT byte from there ... to ... oh ... here should do it. But wait a minute there's a bug here ... I'll have to sort THAT out first ... oh dear ...

Twenty minutes later ...

Computer:

Almost there ... right ... all I need to do now is find my stack pointer ... right ok ... got it ... and set the program counter ... and away we go ...

Computer:

Highly improbable number error, at line 5000 ... Damn!! Damn Damn DAMN! ... This is a HARDWARE problem ... some bugger has been playing about with my innards.

Computer:

Oh well..I'll just have to function as best I can in the circumstances ... though I don't feel very well at all ...

Computer:

Right ... where have they all gone? ... I had something REALLY important to report ... now I've forgotten it ...

A wave of hilarity floods the bridge as Jim, Bones, Sulu, Checkov and Scotty emerge laughing from the turbolift.

Jim:

... and HE said "well I wouldn't suck it!"

They all burst into fits of laughter as the punchline sinks in.

Scotty:

I'm glad to see that medical has raised your spirits captain.

Jim:

That was a dirty trick to play ... but Bones here made up for it afterwards.

Scotty raises an enquiring eyebrow at Dr.McCoy, and starts to wonder if the script writer is really so stuck for ideas this week that he has had to resort to such blatant innuendo.

Jim:

By the way ... what was IN that drink you gave me?

Bones:

Oh ... er ... nothing really ... just a little tipple I take to perk me up when the job's getting me down.

Jim:

You must give me the recipe sometime.

Computer:

Captain ...

Jim:

Yes!? Who said that?

Computer:

Does not compute ... Does not compute ... Insufficient data.

Jim:

Ah ... computer ... you're back to normal.

Scotty:

I think it's trying to warn us about something.

Sulu:

(Pointing frantically at the viewing screen) Look!

Three deadly looking missiles rush up towards them from the surface of a huge green planet which now fills the view.

Jim:

(Still giggling ... and clearly oblivious to the danger). That's fascinating ... absolutely fascinating ... no-one has ever fired missiles at us before ... I wonder how they get the tips of them so shiny and and pointy ...

Scotty:

I think you'll need to give ME the recipe too Dr.McCoy!!!! He's high as a kite!!

Jim:

Calm down Scotty ... we're perfectly alright ... Mr.Checkov ... Put up the shields.

Scotty:

Aaaaaaargh!

There is a huge explosion and the ship rocks about quite a bit as the three missiles hit simultaneously. The blast flings Scotty across the bridge with his legs in the air ... offering a fleeting glimpse of what a Scotsman wears under his kilt ... Though come to think of it, Federation Standard Issue boxer shorts don't quite adhere fully to tradition.

Jim:

(From under a pile of debris which looks like the remains of his seat mixed with a generous portion of the ceiling) I told you we'd be alright ... cough.

There is a landslide of debris as Sulu and Checkov emerge from amongst the remains of the navigation and weapons control consoles.

Scotty:

(Dusting himself down angrily) If my engines are damaged I'll be MOST upset. (He heads off towards the turbolift and has to forcibly prise the doors apart to get in )

Bones:

Is everyone alright?

Jim:

Yup ... I'm fine. (Addressing Checkov and Sulu) What about you two?

Checkov:

Ooooer ... my head hurts ...

Sulu:

Mine too ...

Bones:

(Rubbing his hands together) Right, good ... both of you ... sickbay!

Sulu and Checkov:

That's funny ... it seems to be better already.

Dr.McCoy, looking very disappointed and mumbling to himself, heads off after Scotty.

Episode 4

Captain's Log: stardate seven, fifty four point three nine. We are currently orbiting a strange green planet, the inhabitants of which seem a little hostile ... It has taken us 5 hours to clear up the mess ... It's not the first time we've been fired on from a planet ... but at least in the past we've had a chance to say "We come in peace" before they hit us with the heavy artillery. It looks like the only way to find out what's making them so upset is to go down there with a landing party.

Jim:

Right ... who wants to join my landing party?

Sulu:

Emmm ... no thanks, I'm a bit busy.

Checkov:

Sorry Captain ... me too.

Jim:

Bones?

Bones:

Errrr ... I've just remembered ... I'm needed in sick bay. (He heads off to the turbolift)

Jim:

Scotty?

Scotty:

Sorry Sir, ... not possible ... I need to supervise the repairs on the warp drive engines.

Jim:

Looks like I'll have to go alone then ... oh well ... (They all turn away and pretend to concentrate furiously on their work as Jim makes for the turbolift. Scotty, obviously feeling a bit guilty, follows after)

Scotty:

I tell ye what, sir ...

Jim:

(Brightening up) I knew I could rely on you Scotty!

Scotty:

Eh? ... uh ... I was just going to offer to personally beam you down.

Jim:

(A look of deep disappointment sweeps over his face) Ah ... ok thanks.

Five minutes later in the transporter room.

Jim:

Energise ...

Scotty:

Energising ...

Plooooooooooooeeeeeeeoooooop ... Jim de-materialises in the usual way ... and a mere instant later, his molecules re-constitute themselves somewhere on the planet surface.

Jim:

(Thinking to himself) That was a bit extravagant this week ... rigging up a complete transporter room set just for me and Scotty to say a line each ...

1st Being:

Greetings Captain Kirk ... but where are the rest of your companions?

Jim:

Uh? ... emmm ... they didn't want to come. Hey wait a minute ... you're one of the Nurbs of Morris whatchamacallit aren't you?

1st Being:

That is correct.

Jim:

So have you tracked down those impostors who took Spock?

1st Being:

(Suddenly turning nasty) Ha ha ha! There never WERE any impostors!! Ha. You fool Kirk! We tricked you into coming here, and bringing your whole ship! Now we HAVE YOU ALL!!! (The being bursts into a torrent of wicked megalomaniacal laughter)

Jim:

Oh bugger. (He fumbles frantically with his communicator ... and everything appears to go into slow motion) Scotty!!! ... One to beam uuuu ... ooooooooooh (He feels a sharp thump on the back of his head ... and falls unconscious)

---

Jolting back suddenly into consciousness Jim finds himself in a very dark damp and smelly room ... which is obviously some kind of dungeon.

Spock:

Captain ... are you alright?

Jim:

Ooooerr ... my head ... I never thought I'd say this ... but it's damn good to see you Spock.

Spock:

Thank you Captain.

Uhura:

They got me too Captain.

142 red jerseyed guards step out of the shadows.

Guards:

They got us TOO sir.

Jim:

!

Spock:

(Raising an eyebrow in typical Spock fashion) I see you're surprised Captain ... I have a theory which might explain this though ... Those Beings have been trailing us right from day one, and have been methodically stealing our entire crew one by one ... and making it look like they were killed by our various alien adversaries over the years.

Jim:

It's utterly fiendish ... and barely credible if you don't mind me saying ... but what can they want us for?

Spock:

I have a theory which might explain that too: 1) Their TV ratings are getting dangerously low and they want to use us in a pretty far fetched space adventure series ... OR ... 2) They want us to proof read their autobiographies.

Uhura:

That's TWO theories Mr.Spock.

Spock:

Ah ... so it is ... sorry ... I have TWO theories then:

1) The TV ratings one, 2) The proof reading one, ... and ... 3) They can only exist by capturing passing starships, putting the crew members into a liquidiser and serving them up in milkshake form.

Jim:

I make that THREE theories ...

Spock:

... Well anyway ... I think the fourth one is probably nearest the truth.

Jim, Uhura and the 142 guards:

The FOURTH one?

Spock:

(Getting slightly hysterical) Yes. They are just total maniacs and want to torture us to death for the fun of it.

There is a series of impatient thumps on the cell door.

Voice of a Being:

OI! You lot in there ... what's all the noise about?

Spock:

(In a whisper) As I was saying ... I think we ought to get out of here before we find out exactly what kind of torture they want to subject us to.

Jim:

My sentiments exactly Spock ... But how do you propose to get us out of here?

Spock:

With THIS!!

Lt. Uhura screams as Spock produces something from his trousers.

Episode 5

Jim:

A CUCUMBER???

Spock:

Yes ...

Jim:

Do you OFTEN conceal suggestively shaped vegetables on your person, Spock?

Spock:

(Looking a little hurt at Jim's implied ridicule) ... It is an old Vulcan custom.

Jim:

Rubbish.

Spock:

Oh all right ... I really intended to knock up a few sandwiches. (He delves into his trousers once more and produces some slices of bread and a knife)

Jim:

But you mentioned that the cucumber could help us get out of here.

Spock:

Yes that's right ... all we do is stick it through the bars of the cell door ...

Jim:

... and ... ?

Spock:

That's it.

Jim:

That doesn't sound as if it'll get us out of here.

Spock:

Yes but it'll give them one HELL of a fright.

Jim:

Hmmm ... Let me modify your plan a little ... What if we were to stick the cucumber through the bars as you say ... THEN shout very loudly OH NO! IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN ... SPOCK'S METAMORPHOSED INTO A RAVENOUS GREEN SLIME BEAST!!!

Spock:

Really Jim ... your imagination does run wild sometimes. Anyway ... I don't see where the cucumber comes in ...

Jim:

Groan ... Alright ... we'll need to think of something else ... Can't you use one of your super Vulcan powers then?

Spock:

Are you suggesting I mind-meld with the cucumber?

Jim:

(Starting to get hysterical at Spock's sarcastic behaviour) Anything's worth a try!!!!

Spock closes his eyes and places his hand carefully on the cucumber ... then begins to concentrate ... After a few minutes he relaxes and opens his eyes again.

Spock:

Fascinating ... absolutely fascinating ... I never knew the life of a salad vegetable could be so INTERESTING.

Jim:

But did it offer any solutions to our problem???

Spock:

Well ... Admittedly it came up with the same idea you had ... but I still don't think it would work. We need to try something more direct. In fact the cucumber also suggested two other possibilities:

(1) We dig a tunnel, or (2) We try to break open or bend the bars on the cell door.

Jim:

(Studying the floor) Plan (1) is OUT ... it's solid concrete ... let's have a look at that door ... Hmm ... solid steel bars ... mmmmmmph ... mmmmmmmph ... It's no use, I can't budge them.

Spock:

(In Sarcasm mode again) You MIGHT have more success if you actually used your arms instead of just going mmmmmmph mmmmmmmph not very convincingly ... Anyway ... it looks to me as if it'd take roughly the strength of 142 men to bend those bars.

Jim:

(Whirling round in a dramatic way) 142? ... did you say 142?

Spock:

Emm ... yes ... roughly.

Jim:

Uhura ... Open all hailing frequencies.

Uhura:

Hailing frequencies ope ... eh?

Jim:

Woops ... force of habit ... sorry ... I mean ... have you got a copy of last week's episode there?

Uhura:

Yes ... here ... (She hands over a few grubby sheets of paper)

Jim:

Aha! ... Just as I suspected: "142 red jerseyed guards step out of the shadows" ... You know what this means Spock?

Spock:

Yes ... we are on the receiving end of one of the most unconvincing coincidences ever experienced in this series ...

Jim:

Right ... and it also means this lot here (gesturing towards the guards behind him) are going to be useful for once ... Right you lot, bend those bars!

1st Red Jersey:

I'm sorry, but we can't do that ... Comrade Johnson here has very correctly pointed out to me that we would be breaking long standing union agreements if we were to comply with your wishes.

58th Red Jersey:

That's right ... only a member of the Official Union of Bar Benders and Jailbreakers is allowed to do that job.

1st Red Jersey:

So I hereby state that the brothers are agreed on this matter: We WILL NOT bend the bars. And if you dare use non-union labour on this one, we'll come out on strike ...

Jim:

Groan ... The victim of a demarcation dispute at a time like THIS!

Spock:

May I point out to you that if you DON'T get us out of here then those aliens are going to do nasty things to you all ... and I suspect they care little for your union agreements.

1st Red Jersey:

Hmmm ... I'll put it to a vote then ... Brothers! ... do you say Yay! or Nay! to the motion that we bend the bars?

All Red Jerseys together:

Uh? ... Oh ... (Frantic whispering) ... YAY!!!

---

Back aboard the Enterprise ...

Scotty:

Run that recording through one more time, Computer ...

Computer:

Recording commences: Scotty!!! ... One to beam uuuu ... ooooooooooh. Recording ends. Voice analysis confirms that it IS the captain.

Scotty:

Do you think the fact that he is screaming means he's in trouble?

Computer:

Analysis of previous cases of screaming suggests that screaming can be associated with being in trouble of some form. Yes.

Scotty:

OK then ... we'll work on the assumption that he IS in some form of serious trouble.

Computer:

Well I wouldn't go as far as to say serious trouble ... just reasonably troublish trouble I'd say. Analysis of ...

Scotty:

That's all for now thank you Computer.

Computer:

But ... oh very well.

Scotty:

Sulu ... we'll have to do something. The captain is in trouble down there. Any suggestions?

Sulu:

I've been thinking over a plan which might just work. Here ... look, I got the Computer to do a scan and it built up a complete map of the sewer system on the planet below. Now ... I've identified the one weak point ... HERE. A carefully placed photon torpedo at that point could blow the whole thing wide open. And it'd give us a chance to use those x-wing fighters that we've got sitting in the shuttle bay.

Scotty:

Is that going to help out the captain??

Sulu:

No, but it'd be great fun!! I can imagine it all now ... RED FIVE to RED LEADER ... I'M GOING IN ... neeeeeeoooooowwwww ... WATCH OUT FOR THOSE LASER TOWERS! ... CONTROL TO RED FIVE ... WHY HAVE YOU SWITCHED OFF YOUR TARGETTING COMPUTER? ... USE THE FORCE SULU ... USE THE FORCE ... neeeoooooww ...

Scotty:

I can see we're going to have to exercise a bit more discretion over the films we show in the rec. room in future.

Checkov:

(Pointing frantically at the viewing screen) Look at me! I'm pointing frantically at the viewing screen!!!

To their horror they see a huge hand coming up from the planet surface to grab the Enterprise. Clearly it's some advanced form of tractor beam ... and it has the expected effect.

Scotty:

Aaaargh! We're being pulled in towards the planet!!!!!!!

Episode 6

Acting Captain's Log, Stardate 7507.8, Filed By First Engineer Scott. A massively powerful tractor beam in the shape of a hand is dragging the Enterprise ever closer to the planet. Escape is impossible, and who knows what awaits us down there. All we can do now is wait ...

Sulu:

(Bursting into tears) I wish we had never come to this horrible Universe ... it's a beastly place ... I want to go home.

Scotty:

Pull yourself together man! We'll be alright ... Anyway you've just given me an idea for a cunning plan.

Checkov:

(Looking up from his console) I bet it involves doing something which the dilithium crystals "canna take".

Scotty:

Unfortunately, yes ... they'll be awfa' knackered afterwards but it's our only chance. Our only hope is to travel back in time to warn ourselves not to come through the black hole.

Sulu:

Uh ... let me think about this for a minute ... Sounds a bit naughty to me ... changing history and all that.

Scotty:

Och aye ... but who's going to know?

Checkov:

Hmm ... a very philosophical point there ...

Sulu:

My other worry is that it's a bit of a weak turn in the storyline ...

Scotty:

That can't be helped I'm afraid.

Checkov:

... but a more practical problem is that if we go back in time to the point just before coming into the black hole we will still be short of Mr.Spock ... what if we went back a bit further to just before we lost him?

Scotty:

You're right ... I just hope the crystals dinna give out before we get back far enough ...

Sulu:

Mr. Scott ... your accent seems to be a bit stronger than usual.

Scotty:

(Looking a bit embarrassed). Never mind that ... hit the 'Go back in time' button ... and select the 'carefully' option ... we want those crystals to hold out as long as possible.

Sulu:

Aye aye, capt ... acting captain.

Checkov:

(Shutting his eyes and curling up protectively in his seat) Ooooooh ... I hhhhhate going bbbackk in time emit ni kkcabb gniog etahhhhh I ... hooooo ... (Uncurling down unprotectively off his seat and opening his eyes)

The Enterprise rips backward through the space time continuum, passing a few startled beings who are quietly minding their own business and using the space time continuum in the forward direction it was orginally designed for. So startled were many of them that they fell off their bicycles and wondered to themselves ... what was that huge white thing that just went backwards through the space-time continuum and knocked me off my bike? A passing Policeman asked "Did you take down the number on the registration plate?", to which many replied, "As a matter of fact officer, yes ... it was something like NCC-1701" ... and so it cameth to pass that an APB was put out from that day forth ... yet never was that great white hit and run driver seen again in that land ... and the people did verily rejoice. Wheeeeeee ... plop ...

The Enterprise's headlong ... well ... reverse-of-headlong charge backwards down the space time continuum comes to a halt and it merges rather reluctantly with its previous existence in the past which from now on is going to be the present ... ok? Don't worry about the mechanics of it ... just accept that we're now back to some stage well before the entry to the black hole ... or indeed the loss of Spock ... Look, I can tell that you don't find this very convincing ... You accept that the ship is powered by dilithium crystals don't you? Yes? So why can't you believe this? Dilithium crystals after all are what the Humungous Bloboids of Barfian VII put in their tea ... and as far as they are concerned you'd have to be a madman to think they'd power a starship ... QED ... I think.

Sulu suddenly wakes from what he thinks is a daydream ... and looks across the bridge to Mr.Scott who also seems to have just woken up too ... Scotty winks at him and shrugs his shoulders.

Jim:

Yes we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?

1st Being:

We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away for a while.

Jim:

Be my guest ... he's in the cabinet.

Sulu:

(Jumping up out of his seat suddenly). Wait Captain ... no ... there's something important I have to tell you ... damn ... I can't remember now ... ah ... that's it! ... I just had a funny dream that Spock gets kidnapped ... and we have to go through a black hole to search for him ... and and ... oh it was horrible.

The three beings start to look a bit shifty.

Scotty:

I had the same dream! ... You've got to believe us Captain! Don't let those beings take Spock away!!

1st Being:

Come now Captain Kirk, you surely cannot believe these two deranged crew members of yours?

Jim:

Too right! ... they're obviously completely potty!! Guards! ... take them to the detention cell on deck 3. (He clicks his fingers and two red jerseyed security guards step forward to grab Sulu and Scotty).

Sulu:

But Captain! ... wait ... Checkov will tell you it's true!

Jim:

If you think I'm going to be convinced by Checkov you MUST be mad! The detention cell is the best place for you ... specially since last time you went mad you cavorted around the ship smeared in vegetable oil and waving a rather pointy sword about in a threatening manner ...

Checkov very cunningly realises that he better keep his mouth shut, and turns his attention back to all the pretty little coloured lights and switches on his console ... and says nothing.

Scotty:

(Struggling with a guard) Captain!! ... Please!!!

Jim waves dismissively, and Sulu and Scotty are dragged off the bridge into the turbolift.

Episode 7

The two guards push Scotty and Sulu into the detention cell.

1st Guard:

Now you two behave yourselves.

2nd Guard:

Yeah ... no funny business.

They switch on the invisible force barrier and walk off down the corridor.

Scotty:

WHAT are we going to do now?!!

Sulu:

I dunno ... we've got big probs ... If we don't get out of here soon then we'll have no chance of stopping it all happening again ... and I don't fancy another trip through that black hole.

Spock:

(Who has just appeared in the corridor) Your worries are over gentlemen.

Scotty:

Spock! How did you get off the bridge?

Spock:

I was inside the computer cabinet remember? Well I heard all the commotion on the bridge ... so I crawled through one of the ventilation ducts ... which came out just along the corridor there. Incidentally, that duct is alive with tribbles ... I thought we had eradicated them?

Scotty:

Aye ... I thought I had beamed the whole kit and kaboodle over on to that Klingon starship ... but obviously some must have got away. Anyway ... can you get us out of here?

Spock:

Well it's a bit tricky ... the force field will only come down if I enter the correct combination on the keypad. Alternatively I could take a more brute force approach ... (Producing a soldering iron, he proceeds to remove the force field control panel and re-wire its innards in a reasonably destructive manner)

Sulu:

Hurry, Mr.Spock ... I don't think we have much time.

Spock:

Almost there ... almost there ... just one more bu ... (At that moment Spock suddenly dematerialises, with a bemused look on his face)

Sulu:

Damn! ... we're going to be too late! ... and the force field is still up ...

Scotty charges at the force barrier ... and BOINNNNNGGGG! bounces off and hits the far wall of the cell.

Scotty:

(Looking a bit dazed) ... it's no use ... well never get ou ...

At that moment there is a huge explosion from the force field control panel which showers bits of invisible force barrier all over the cell and adjoining corridor.

Sulu:

(Spitting out fragments of force field) Wow! ... I've never seen an invisible force barrier explode like THAT!

Scotty:

Pretty impressive I must say ... and eminently conceptual.

Sulu:

Anyway ... let's go! ... I want to stop off at my cabin round the corner first though ...

Scotty:

Eh?

Sulu dashes into his cabin and emerges holding a bottle of vegetable oil and a fencing sword.

Scotty:

Ah! ... I see.

As they charge down the corridor Sulu discards his jersey and empties the contents of the bottle over himself ... Two guards coming round the corner are so startled that the starfleet insignia drop off their jerseys in sheer surprise ... and by mere reflex action their phasers are flicked to 'kill' and two lethal bolts are unleashed after the rapidly departing Sulu and Scotty.

Scotty:

In the name o' the wee man! ... that was CLOSE!

Sulu:

Too right! ... keep running!

Scotty:

Wait a minute..!! ... we passed that same corridor just a minute ago! We must be going round in circles ...

Sulu:

... Don't worry ... I think it has something to do with the budget for the film set ...

Scotty:

Ah! ... OK ...

Sulu:

There's the turbolift door up ahead!

They jump into the lift.

Scotty:

Bridge.

Lift:

Bridge what?

Scotty:

Please!

Lift:

That's better ... Now a few manners don't hurt do they?

Scotty:

Grrr ... I wish these lifts came under my jurisdiction in the Engineering section ... I'd soon FIX them ...

Lift:

I heard that ...

Sulu:

Are we at the Bridge level yet?

Lift:

Yes ... You can get off now ... and good riddance.

The turbolift doors open and Scotty and Sulu step on to the Bridge.

Everyone on the Bridge shouts SURPRISE!!!!!!

Jim:

(Wearing a party hat, steps forward and hands a present to Sulu and Scotty) Happy birthday!

Scotty:

Why, you rotten ... (the grim look on his face slowly turns into a smile)

Jim:

Sorry about all the hassle we put you both through ... but the only way we could keep you off the bridge while we prepared everything was to lock you up.

Sulu:

What about those aliens? ... and how did you know Scotty and I had the same birthday?

Jim:

Questions questions!! ... come and enjoy the party ... it IS for you after all ... here, have a sausage roll ... but PLEASE ... put that sword away first!

They all laugh jovially ... and the party goes on into the night ... which is a bit of a strange thing to say considering the ship is in deep space where day and night have no meaning ... but I think you know what I mean.