Bar Trek: Picard, any card

Picard, Any Card

by Todd Alan Bobenrieth

Fade into the Enterprise zooming by.

Picard:: Captain's Log, Stardate 5208.4. The Enterprise is on a routine maintenance check on the AL TV pirate satellite in the Dalbiton Vegrant Sector. We are scheduled to arrive there in roughly 4 hours.

Cut to Ready Room, where Picard is reading a book.

Worf:: Captain, we are now entering the sector.
Picard:: Already? I thought we weren't supposed to be there for another four hours.
Worf:: Negative. We are already here.
Picard:: All right, I'm on my way.

Picard puts the book down and walks out onto the Main Bridge.

Picard:: Wake up, Riker!!!

Riker suddenly sits up in his chair.

Riker:: Sir, we are still four hours away from the pirate satellite.
Picard:: Will, we are already here.
Riker:: No, sir ... we are four hours away. Look at the viewscreen.

The viewer says Four Hours To Pirate Satellite.

Picard:: Mr. Worf ... why did you call me out here if we aren't really there?
Worf:: Sir, I didn't call you.
Picard:: You're kidding.
Worf:: Klingons never kid.

Picard looks around the bridge.

Picard:: Fine, I'll be in my Ready Room.

Picard turns around and marches back into the ready room.

Picard:: Silly intercom system.
Q:: Nothing is wrong with your intercom, I sent you that message.

Picard spins around quickly to see Q sitting in the Captain's Chair, reading the book.

Picard:: Q??!!!! Q, to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?
Q:: I thought it has been long enough for you to endure life without me.
Picard:: Most thoughtful ... you can leave now.
Q:: I don't think so, Picard. You see, I have decided to play another trick on you and your crew. But this time ... it will be more of an adventure.
Picard:: I don't have time for your silly games.
Q:: That is very unfortunate, considering there is nothing you can do about it.
Picard:: Mr. Worf, please come to my ready room.
Q:: Oh, my oh my, Picard. You think he will intimidate me enough to leave?

Worf comes into the room and sees Q.

Worf:: Q!!!!!
Q:: Very good, Worf. I thought you said he was dumber than that, Captain.

Worf turns to look at Picard, who just waves the idea off.

Worf:: What are you doing here?!
Q:: You see, Worf, I have decided to play a little game with you ... see how you react when put in a different environment.
Worf:: That sounds stupid.
Q:: Then you should excel in this game.

Worf growls, to which Q responds by making a glass of water dump over his head.

Picard:: I have had enough of this, Q. Leave this ship at once.
Q:: I do so because it suits me, but when I return ... be ready to play.

Q vanishes in a flash of white light.

Worf:: Sir, I suggest we put the ship on emergency status and fire all weapons into a wide radius in front of us.
Picard:: Why?
Worf:: You can never be too sure.
Picard:: Very well, Worf. Make it so. We can take no chances when Q is around.
Worf:: Aye, sir. (Turns to leave). Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy ... I get to shoot things.

Worf skips out of the room and Picard rubs his forehead.

Fade back in to a shot of the bridge. Geordi is watching an episode of Doctor Who on the viewer, Data is chattering to anyone who will listen, Riker is fixing his hair, Troi is smoking a cigar, and Picard and Worf are playing chess. Guinan walks in off the turbolift.

Guinan:: I suppose this is what you call being on alert.
Picard:: What? Oh, hello Guinan ... did you say something?
Guinan:: No, I was just seeing what was up here on the bridge.
Riker:: And did you find out?
Guinan:: I just got here, idiot!
Riker:: Oh, sorry.

Picard goes back to playing chess, not noticing that Worf moved a piece that didn't belong to him.

Data:: Hey, ah ... Captain, sir ... why are we on alert, by the way?
LaForge:: Yeah, and why did we fire weapons out into open space?
Picard:: I received a visit from our old friend, Q.
LaForge:: Q???
Data:: Yeah, you know ... James Bond's boss.
LaForge:: Oooohhh.
Picard:: No!!!! Q, the all powerful entity.
Q:: You rang?

Everyone turns to look at Q, who is sitting where Troi used to be. Troi is now where Riker used to be, Riker is where Data used to be, Data is where Picard used to be, etc.

Picard:: Q, we are on an urgent mission, we cannot tolerate any bothering.
Q:: So fire Data. I don't like him either. In fact ...

Q makes Data stand up and fall down continuously.

Picard:: That's enough!
Q:: OH ... party pooper.

Data stands back up and sits down in the Captain's Chair, which is gone now. Data falls.

Q:: And now ... let's go play a game ...

A bright light sends them all off the bridge, they reappear in a large room. Picard looks at himself. He is now dressed in a long black robe. Riker is dressed in a suit, and is carrying a briefcase. Data is dressed in rags. Guinan is dressed in a big blue uniform. Geordi is dressed in an old man's sweater and a black shirt. Worf is dressed in a big blue uniform, and is standing underneath a light fixture that arches perfectly to match his head. Troi is dressed in a suit jacket and skirt.

Picard:: What the hell is this? Where are we? Q??? Q???

Q appears in a bright flash of light.

Q:: Oh, calm down, big guy. This is the game we are going to play. You, mon capitan, are now Judge Harold T. Stone. The rest of you should be able to figure out your respective roles.

Q vanishes and the crew looks at each other.

Worf:: Sir, I protest, I am not a bald, ten story bailiff originally from Bradford, PA who made his fame playing an idiot on an old Earth television show.
Picard:: How do you know all this?
Worf:: Ummm ... Data told me.
Data:: That is incorrect, Worfy ... I, ah, didn't say anything of the nature.
Picard:: Regardless ... I suppose I should fill you in on who you apparently are.
Riker:: That would be nice, sir.
Picard:: Will, you are apparently Dan Fielding, the prosecuting attorney. Data, you are unquestionably Phil, the bum. Troi, you appear to be Christine Sullivan, the defence attorney.
Troi:: Oh, wonderful.
Picard:: Geordi, you appear to be Mac, the court secretary.
LaForge:: Oh, man ... that's a girl's job!
Picard:: Guinan ... you appear to be Roz, another bailiff.
Guinan:: WHY??!!! What the HELL do I have in common with ROZ???!!!
Picard:: And Worf ... you, as you guessed, are Bull Shannon.
Worf:: (Gets dopey look on his face) O ... kay.
Picard:: But why would Q bring us here ... what possibly could be the meaning of this?

Suddenly, the court doors swing open and the crowd walks in.

Riker:: I guess this means we have to proceed with the proceedings.
Picard:: I suppose you are right, Number Twelve ... er ... Dan ...

Riker smirks at Picard and goes to his table.

Worf:: All rise, the New York criminal court is now in session, the honourless ... Um ... honourable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Everyone stands up. Picard starts to sit down and the crowd does the same. But just in the nick of time, Picard stands back up.

Picard:: Gotcha ...

The crowd groans.

Picard:: Well, Mac, what do we have today?

LaForge is searching his desk, but since its only paper, he can't tell the reports apart from each other.

LaForge:: Sir, you may have to give me a minute with this.

Picard stands up and goes to where LaForge is sitting.

Picard:: Never mind, I'll get it myself.
LaForge:: Thanks, sir.

Picard grabs a folder and returns to his seat.

Picard:: Well, lets see ... the Angry Husband vs the Kung Fu Kid.

Worf leads a battered guy in with a man in a ninja outfit.

Picard:: Well, Wor ... I mean, Bull, which is which?

Worf growls at Picard.

Picard:: So anyway, what have we got here, Mr. Fielding?
Riker:: The Kung Fu Kid was apparently having an affair with Mr. Higgins' wife and got caught in the act.
Picard:: Doin' a little Kung Foolin' around, eh?

Kung Fu Kid bows to Picard.

Troi:: Captain ... (gets angry look from Picard) ... Judge Stone, my client is really sorry about this and we think he should be let go.
Riker:: Oh really? He banged Higgins' wife then beat him up ... umm ... actually ...
Picard:: I rule in favour of the plaintiff, 3 weeks in prison and a fine of five dollars.
Higgins:: Oh wow ... with that I can go to the movies ... by myself.

Worf leads the two away.

Picard:: Number Twelve, Councillor, approach the bench.

Riker and Troi come close to the judge's bench.

Picard:: So far I see nothing out of the ordinary about this. Why in the world did Q bring us here?
Q:: Next case, the the Klingon Empire against Captain James T. Kirk.

Everyone looks at Q, who is standing where Geordi was.

Picard:: The Klingon Empire against Captain James T. Kirk?
Q:: That's right, Picard. You and your crew will decide the fate of everyone's favourite Captain.
Picard:: I thought I was everyone's favourite captain.

Riker laughs out loud.

Riker:: Sorry sir.
Picard:: And anyway, the Klingon Empire is no longer trying to seek out and eliminate Kirk.
Q:: Not anymore, but this is a court of the year 1987.
Picard:: But Kirk wasn't even born back then, and no one had any idea that Klingons even existed.
Q:: Don't confuse me. I had a brilliant plan and now you're messing it up.
Picard:: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Q:: No matter, we shall still go through this trial.
Picard:: And who will be on the prosecuting side with Commander Riker?
Q:: Quite simple, I have assembled the following individuals ...

As Q names them, they walk in though the doors and sit behind Riker.

Q:: This is Commander Klaa, he still hasn't given up the idea of putting Kirk in his place. This is Maltz, Kirk captured him just before the Genesis planet exploded. And this is my star witness ... ladies and Gentlemen of the court ... KHAN NOONIAN SINGH!!!!!!

Everyone gasps as Khan walks in through the door.

Khan:: You still remember me. I am touched ... and amazed, considering you people never met me.
Picard:: Q, you said this was the Klingons against Kirk ... why did you bring Khan?
Q:: I couldn't think of the name of Christopher Lloyd's Klingon character.
Picard:: Oh.
Q:: And now ladies and gentlemen ... introducing the defendant ... the one ... the only ... Captain James ... T ... KIRK!!!!!

The original Trek theme plays over the intercom as Kirk strolls into the courtroom.

Picard:: Greetings, Captain Kirk. It is a pleasure to meet you.
Kirk:: Yes, it is ... isn't it.

Kirk takes a seat beside Troi and immediately kisses her.

Q:: And now, Picard ... let the games begin.
Picard:: Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, you may begin.
Riker:: What? Oh ... the trial, right. um ... I'd like to call my first witness. I call Commander Klaa to the stand.

Klaa stands and salutes Picard, who returns the salute. He looks over at Kirk and sticks his tongue out at him.

Riker:: Commander Klaa, what is it that brings you to these proceedings.
Klaa:: I am in the "I Hate Kirk Fan Club" and was selected to represent them.
Riker:: I see, no further questions.
Picard:: WILL!!!!
Riker:: All right, all right ... Commander Klaa, why was this club formed.
Klaa:: Because the outlaw, Kirk has been a thorn in the side of the empire for many years. He has hunted down and killed countless masses of defenceless Klingons.
Kirk:: BUT ... that's a lie!
Picard:: Kirk, you will speak when spoken to and at no other time.

Kirk sits down and twiddles his thumbs.

Riker:: And Commander Klaa, what is your personal quarrel with Kirk?
Klaa:: He was the cause of my demotion. He humiliated me.
Riker:: No further questions.
Picard:: Defence, your witness.
Troi:: Commander Klaa, do you like chocolate?
Klaa:: Chock-o-let?
Troi:: Never mind. Anyway, is it not true that Kirk was not the one who got you demoted, but rather it was your own fault???
Klaa:: No.
Troi:: Oh.

Kirk stands up and approaches the bench.

Kirk:: Judge ... Stone, is it? I request that I be allowed to defend myself at these proceedings.
Picard:: I see no harm in that.
Kirk:: All right, Klaa, you can leave now. I have nothing to say to you.

Klaa leaves and Kirk whirls around to face the crowd.

Kirk:: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury ... I'd like to call MY first witness to the stand ... I now call on ... Mr. SPOCK!!!!

Everyone gasps and turn to look at the door.

Spock:: I am here, Captain.

Dramatic music climaxes as we fade out.

Riker:: Objection.
Picard:: On what grounds?
Riker:: Right here where we stand!
Picard:: I mean why do you object?
Riker:: Because Spock WAS legally dead ... isn't there some rule that a dead guy can't testify?

Picard glares at Riker then a book suddenly appears in front of Picard. It opens by itself to a certain page and Picard reads from it ...

Picard:: No dead man may testify in any given trial, especially when dealing with Captain James T. Kirk.
Riker:: There you go.
Picard:: I am sorry, Mr. Spock, but I cannot let you testify at these proceedings.
Kirk:: Oh, that's ... just wonderful.
Picard:: You're talking out of turn again, Captain.
Kirk:: (In perfect Steve Martin voice) Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.
Picard:: Now, let's continue. Do you have any other witnesses, Kirk?
Kirk:: Yes, your ... honour. I'd like to call Leonard McCoy, my medical officer.
Worf:: The court now calls on Leonard H. McCoy to the stand.
McCoy:: I heard you the first time, you damn ... Klingon. Don't rush me.

McCoy makes his way to the stand.

Worf:: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?!
McCoy:: No, I'm gonna lie to you!

Worf growls at McCoy.

Picard:: You may proceed, Counsellor.
Troi:: HAH! You already dismissed me from this case, what do you want me to continue with?!
Picard:: I was talking to Mr. Fielding.

Troi folds her arms and shrugs.

Riker:: Sir, isn't it common procedure to allow the party who called the witness to the stand to question him first?
Picard:: I'm a Captain, not a lawyer, dammit!

McCoy stands up and gives Picard a deadly look.

Picard:: Very well, proceed, Captain Kirk.
Kirk:: Thank you. Now, Dr. McCoy ... would you say I'm reckless?
McCoy:: Yes.
Kirk:: Would you say I am a threat to society?
McCoy:: Yes.
Kirk:: Would you say "She sells sea shells at the sea shore" five times really fast?
McCoy:: What the hell is this, Jim? A trial or a game show?
Data:: Ah, if I may suggest an appropriate game show ...
All:: SHUT UP!!!

Data reaches in his ripped pockets in search of lint, or anything else that will keep him occupied.

Kirk:: As I was saying, Dr. McCoy, do you think that the ... allegations made by the ... Klingons have any basis in fact?
McCoy:: Ummmmm ...

McCoy looks into Kirk's pleading eyes, then around the courtroom.

Picard:: Dr. McCoy?
McCoy:: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it may incriminate Kirk.
Riker:: Objection!
Picard:: Sustained.
Riker:: You didn't even ask what it was for ...
Picard:: I know I'm asking for it ... but ... What was it for?
Riker:: If I may approach the bench.
Picard:: I suppose.

Riker walks up to the judge's bench and pulls his shirt down as usual.

Riker:: Captain, as I see it ... if we put Kirk away, I'll get the record for sure.
Picard:: And what record is that, Will?
Riker:: Most women bedded in one series.

Picard slaps his hands to his forehead and leans back in his chair.

Fade back as McCoy is sweating profusely as Riker is questioning him.

Riker:: Tell me, Dr. McCoy, if a vessel leaves Starbase Ten at precisely 0800 hours and hits warp five, then a vessel leaves Starbase Nine ten minutes later at half impulse, then reaches Warp Eight ... which will reach Starbase Eighteen first?
Picard:: Mr. Fielding!!!
Riker:: Hold on, I have a bet with O'Brien about this.
Picard:: FIELDING!!!
Riker:: Oh all right! ... (Aside to McCoy) Maybe you can tell me after the trial ...

McCoy loses his patience and explodes.

Picard:: (covered in McCoy remains) Ummmm ... the court will take a ten minute recess.

Cut to Harry's chambers where the crew has assembled.

Picard:: Any ideas?
Data:: Actually, I was thinking of opening up a portable bar and grill stand.
Worf:: I suggest we look for a bar in this place.
Riker:: I'm with Worf.

Riker and Worf exit.

Picard:: Well, Data, LaForge, Guinan ... I suggest we try to talk to Kirk in private. Perhaps we could get some insight into this trial.
Data:: Hey, ah, Cappy, that would not be such a bad idea.
Guinan:: If it hadn't come from you ...

Picard rubs his temples and turns to walk out the door.

Kirk:: You were looking for me?
Picard:: How did you get in here?
Kirk:: The door was open, I walked in ... it's a simple principle, actually.
Picard:: Indeed. Um, Captain Kirk, I was wondering if you were telling us absolutely everything.
Kirk:: What makes you say that?
Picard:: My larynx, the trachea, the usual stuff.
Kirk:: I mean ... why do you ask?
Picard:: I am the judge here. It would be ... logical to find out all relevant information regarding YOUR trial, Kirk.
Kirk:: Yes, I see your ... point.

Picard puts a wig on.

Kirk:: Now I don't.
Picard:: Captain Kirk, we all know well that you and the Klingons are a match definitely not made in heaven.

Kirk yawns.

Picard:: But why do they want to kill you so badly ... truthfully now ...
Kirk:: (Shrugs) It might be because back in Starfleet Academy, I was assigned to do extra credit on the Klingon ritual where boys become men.
Picard:: What does that have to do with anything.
Kirk:: Well, you see, it came to the point when I'd do anything to get an A ... and I was ... having trouble with how exactly the male ...
Picard:: Please skip the trivial details and tell me what you did ...
Kirk:: I met a Klingon named K'boom and also his girlfriend, K'flink. We were all supposed to meet at my place but K'boom forgot to show up. Suffice to say K'flink didn't. Well, one thing led to another ...
Picard:: That IS disgraceful, but not to the point of the entire race turning against you.
Kirk:: And then there was Whiff, the Klingon High Commander's daughter ...

Picard stares unbelievingly at Kirk.

Kirk:: Oh, and also, there was Shlong, the Klingon palace guard ... his wife was in the vicinity and I had already become friends with him, so ...
Picard:: Enough!!! I see now why they hate you so bad.
Kirk:: So what do you think? Do I have a chance to win this trial?
Picard:: I think you should contract every known disease in the universe.
Kirk:: All I know is ... I have to beat these Klingon devils once and for all.
Picard:: Not a very good premise for the future, considering my chief of security is Klingonaase.
Kirk:: What did you say??? Chief of Security ... I thought he was a bailiff ...

Picard turns to Data.

Picard:: Kirk doesn't realise who we are. He thinks we ARE the cast of Night Court.
Data:: Hey, ah, Johnny ... that is a good observation.
LaForge:: But aren't we the cast of Night Court now?
Picard:: Not for long ... I just realised how we can get out of this mess, save the universe, and keep Kirk alive.
Data:: How is that, sir?
Picard:: Never mind right now. Come with me ... we have to get to a subspace receiver.

Picard, Data, and LaForge leave Kirk and Guinan in the room.

Guinan:: So, you're the legendary Captain Kirk, eh?

Guinan moves a little closer and Kirk straightens his shirt.

Cut to Picard near a subspace transmitter.

Data:: Sir, what is the big idea which will astound us, what is it that you will do to end this charade?
Picard:: Data, you silly android, it is all too obvious. I'm very surprised you haven't thought of it yourself.

Data starts to sweat.

Data:: Hey, ah, Cappy, I do not think it is fair to, ah ...
Picard:: Never mind ... you'll see in just a few seconds.

Picard presses some buttons.

LaForge:: Sir, may I ask a strange question?
Picard:: Could you ask any other kind?
LaForge:: Umm ... what's a subspace transmitter doing in a courtroom?

Q appears in a bright flash of light.

Q:: Probably the same thing as the reindeer was doing in here.

The crew looks at each other in wonder, then back to Q.

Q:: What is it you think you are doing with this transmitter, WHICH, by the way I was going to give the redoubtable Commander Riker as a birthday present.
Picard:: We are going to attempt to solve this dilemma you have placed us in ...
Q:: Oh, and how do you plan to do that???
Picard:: Just watch! Relay 421 ... this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.
Voice:: EW!!!
Picard:: I need you to help me reach someone.
Voice:: Where would you like to send your call?

Picard turns to look right in the camera.

Picard:: I wish to reach Starfleet Academy!!!!

Fade back in to the courtroom.

Worf:: Ladies and Gentlemen, we now resume our trial.

The fans do the wave.

Picard:: Lets have no more of that.

Crowd shifts in their seats.

Picard:: Who is our next witness?
Riker:: The plaintiff now calls on Khan Noonian Singh.

Khan stands and the theme from Jesus Christ Superstar plays over the intercom.

Worf:: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Khan:: I promise nothing.
Worf:: Fine.
Riker:: Khan, or should I call you Mr. Singh?
Khan:: Khan is fine.
Riker:: All right, Khan ... what is your beef with Kirk?
Khan:: Beef?
Riker:: Your quarrel with him...
Khan:: He tried to kill me. He purposely activated the Genesis device inside the ship that I borrowed.
Kirk:: THAT'S A LIE!
Khan:: SILENCE!!!
Picard:: Both of you SIT DOWN!!!

Kirk and Khan continue to quarrel.

Worf:: SHHHHUUUUUUTTTTT UUUUUPPPPP!!!!!

The room goes silent and suddenly a shuttlecraft falls through the ceiling.

Picard:: What the hell!!!

The door opens and out steps ... you guessed it ... WESLEY!!!!

Riker:: Oh, God ... not you??!!
Wesley:: Sir, I think I can help you out with this problem.
Riker:: Of course he can, he always saved the day, the little nuisance.
Picard:: Just in time ... Mr. Khan was just telling us ... umm ... Mr. Khan ... where is Khan?

Everyone looks at the shuttlecraft. Khan's arms and legs are sticking out from beneath it.

Kirk:: One down ... two to go.
Picard:: Um ... Wesley, you know the situation ... what should we do?
Wesley:: Well, sir ... first of all ... we must call Q in here.
Q:: I'm already here you little snivelling brat!
Wesley:: Good. Now, Q ... make the Klingons disappear.
Q:: Why should I help you out?
Wesley:: Just do it ... please ...
Q:: Oh, very well ... (claps his hands and all three Klingons disappear)
Wesley:: I didn't mean Worf, too ...

Q clicks his fingers and Worf reappears.

Q:: Now what?
Wesley:: Captain ...
Kirk and Picard:: YES?

They look at each other evilly.

Kirk:: Why did you answer to Captain??? I thought you were a judge ... !
Picard:: Ummm ... Q???
Q:: It's very simple, Kirk. They are from a future Enterprise. I thought it would be fun to bring you together and watch the confusion ...
Picard:: But you were wrong, Q. You found out that any crew can successfully work with another.
Q:: I realise that now. But how did Wesley realise this?
Wesley:: Boy genius ... you know.
Q:: I am no longer having fun here ... Case Dismissed. You can all go home.

The crew vanishes amidst bright light, then reappear on the bridge of the NCC-1701-D.