10 Ways to Bring Back Tasha Yar

by Matthew Gertz   1 March 1991
Originally posted in March 1991, during a heated flamewar about the news that Denise Crosby would reappear on the series at some time during the future. Well, I went home and did some serious research into exactly how Tasha might be brought back to life. Can you name my sources? (Note: these are all parodies of well-known stories, taken almost word-for-word from their sources. I'll post my sources at some future date just so that the writers of the stories get the credit they deserve.) I've appended the answers to the enclosed quiz at the end of this post.
[These parodies by Matthew Gertz are copyright 1991, 1992 by Matthew Gertz. Permission to copy, transmit, or archive is permitted provided that this authorship and copyright information are included, and that any given parody is presented in complete form. The parodies may not be sold, nor included in any sold material without express permission from the author.]

1. WHAT YOU DIDN'T SEE IN EPISODE 3 (the one with the fight between Yar and the chieftain's wife).

Tasha felt the blow as the poison coated weapon nicked her slightly. None of the people watching the fight had noticed. The poison was fast in acting. "I'm dying," she thought wildly. "Please somebody, anybody help me!" She noticed that time had appeared to slow down. A bright figure approached her. "Don't be afraid. I mean you no harm." "Who ... what ... are you?" the dying Yar asked. "I am fire. A force of life." "What do you want from me?" "You called, child of man. And I, mother of stars answered. Take my hands, and you will get your heart's desire. For a price." Tasha did this. The figure assumed Tasha's form. Tasha's body was put in a cocoon to regenerate itself, and dropped in Jamaica Bay. The pseudo-Tasha, rising from the ashes, lives out Tasha's life, but is killed by an evil Hefty bag in "Skin of Evil." The cocoon finished healing Tasha ...

2. WESLEY'S NEW SCIENCE PROJECT (I)

"It can't be! ... Tasha! But you're DEAD!" Sudden flashback: Wesley's latest science project: cloning. He raids the ship's morgue. Alas, Tasha's body has been cremated, except her tongue which, unnoticed, fell on the floor during the autopsy. Wesley set about his project secretly. Of course, there were a few failures at first (pictures flash of Tasha with two heads, Tasha with foot coming out of left ear, etc.) Finally, he succeeds in cloning Tasha Yar. Back to the present: "But how is it you're alive, Tasha! Tell us!" Tasha opens her mouth to speak. Her tongue flops out, and her eyes bug out. "Aack! Aack! Phlllsp! Aack!"

3. A WOMAN WITH SOUL

"Back point-three-five," Data said. "Sickbay log, stardate 40xxx.x." Data watched the tape of Dr. Crusher unsuccessfully trying to revive Tasha. He noticed a peculiarity. "Freeze. Enlarge, increase audio, continue." He watched as Tasha's hand briefly reached up to touch Crusher's temple. "Remember," she croaked, and died. Later in the briefing room, Data pointed out how they could return Tasha's soul to her body. "We must go to Mt. Seleya." "But Tasha's body is dead, Data," pointed out Picard. Data nodded. "Theoretically, we could build a genesis wave creator to regenerate it." "A what?" Data passed the record to him. Picard read it. "Hmmm ... an officer under the command of James T. Kirk used it once." Almost at once, the bridge crew asked, "Who the hell is James T. Kirk?"

4. CHAOTIC SITUATION.

It was Tasha. "I'll be damned," I said. "A funny thing happened to me on the way to your funeral." "Yes. I heard about it." She laughed. "You ever kill yourself, Commander Riker?" "Not recently. How'd you manage it?" "Wesley created a portal to another universe which I entered. I waylaid the version of my self there, hypnotized her into thinking she was in the right universe, and inserted a poison that would lie dormant until the next time a burst of energy hit her. She provided the corpse. I wanted to get to the root of the trouble we were having with plots in the first season, and destroy it. I thought it might be better if I went undercover."

5. A NIGHTMARE ON ENTERPRISE STREET

Data smiled when Tasha walked out of the shower. "I had this terrible dream that you were dead ..."

6. NAMELESS I WALKED

(Data, Geordi, and Riker chasing after Q, who they think has kidnapped Troi and Wesley. Data thinks he sees Q ahead in the trees, and points this out.) "I see, I see now!" hissed Geordi. "Look, Riker! Did I not warn you? There is the person. All in dirty yellow-and-black rags." They could not see the face, hidden in a hood. At last the figure broke the silence. "Well met indeed, my friends. I wish to speak with you." "Q!" cried Geordi. "Speak! Tell us where you have hidden our friends! Speak, or I will surely make a dint in your head with my phaser!" The figure was too quick for Geordi, and put an aikido hold on him. Its hood and rags were flung away. Underneath, red-and-black garments clothed the figure. At the gesture of a hand, Geordi's phaser leaped from his hand. The phaser of Riker blazed with sudden fire, while Data's blast went high in the air. "Tasha Yar!" he cried. "Tasha Yar!" "Well met, I say to you again, Data!" said Tasha. "Come, Tasha, tell us how you fared with the evil Hefty bag!" said Geordi. "Name him not!" said Tasha, a look of pain coming over her face ...

7. WESLEY'S NEW SCIENCE PROJECT (II)

Wesley carefully injected the glowing liquid into Tasha's body. It would work, he was sure. At least, it had worked on Data's damned cat, though the thing had gone crazy and attacked three officers. At least its eyes hadn't exploded like the first corpse he'd tried it on. He'd show his teacher who was crazy. Oh, yes, he'd show them all, all of them who had laughed at his ideas and scorned him. Death as the ultimate end, what nonsense! Tasha's body stirred, screamed ...

8. PARDON ME, BUT COULD I BORROW A LIGHT?

"Damn!" said Picard. "I should have listened to Worf and raised the shields. Now this creature is attached to my ship, draining power. Should I remove it by force, or try to reason with it?" Tasha appeared, St. Elmo's fire crackling around her body. "Use the force, Jean-Luc ..."

9. MY BLOODY VALENTINE

"Geordi ... let me in." "Go away, Tasha," he said tonelessly, mentally exhausted by the discovery of what Tasha had become. If only Stoker hadn't paid a "visit" to Tasha the night before she was killed ... he looked out his office window into the main engineering room, where Tasha floated. "It's not so bad, Geordi," and her eyes were flat and obsidian. She smiled, showing her teeth, which shown in sharp relief below her pale gums. "It's ever so nice. Let me in, I'll show you. I'll kiss you, Geordi. I'll kiss you all over like Leah never did. One of us will get you sooner or later, Geordi. Let it be me, Geordi. I'm ... I'm hungry." She tried to smile, but it turned into a nightshade grimace that made his bones cold. Her tongue flicked over her fangs ...

10. THEY FIX EVERYTHING

Worf was in the phaser firing range, working on his shooting accuracy, when they brought IT in. It looked like a Borg, almost. Worf watched as the figure took out its phaser rifle, normally secured in its right leg, and proceeded to destroy every target in the range. This done, it spun its weapon on one finger and reholstered it. There was something familiar about the way it reholstered its weapon. Worf followed to investigate as it left. He overheard Crusher saying, "Three years, and we've built the perfect soldier! It can even live on baby food ..."

Since I realize that there are some potential spoilers in these sources, here's what I'm going to do. First I'll give a list of just the source and the author(s), further down the page I'll include more detailed information about the resurrections in question.

1. The Fantastic Four (crossover with The Uncanny X-Men and X-Factor), John Byrne, Chris Claremont, et al. (multiple authors, actually) - also related in Classic X-Men.

2. The comic strip Bloom County, by Berke Breathed.

3. The Search For Spock.

4. One of the nine books in The Chronicles of Amber, by Roger Zelazny.

5. The TV show Dallas, produced by Lorimar.

6. The Two Towers, by J.R.R. Tolkien.

7. The movie Re-Animator, loosely based on the works of H. P. Lovecraft.

8. The movie Star Wars (loosely, anyway) by George Lucas et al.

9. The book Salem's Lot, by Stephen King.

10. The movie Robocop. Unfortunately, I forget the screenplay writer's name.

1. WHAT YOU DIDN'T SEE IN EPISODE 3 (the one with the fight between Yar and the chieftain's wife).

One of the most popular characters in Marvel Comics, Jean Grey, aka Marvel Girl of The Uncanny X-Men, suddenly gained a lot of power while trying to land a shuttle in a radiation storm. This power slowly corrupted her. The writers intended for her to become 'good' again in a climactic double-sized issue, but got a little carried away: they had her destroy a planet while she was 'evil.' The powers-that-be (the editors) felt that it would be wrong for her to get away with just a slap on the wrist after this, so they had the character commit suicide while she still had some scruples left. (At this point, the character was called 'Phoenix'.) Eight years later, they finally came up with a way that Jean Grey could live again. You see, Jean Grey wasn't Phoenix at all. A powerful being had taken on her form while Jean was dying in the radiation storm, and put Jean's body in a cocoon to heal it (the shuttle crashed in Jamaica Bay, which is where the coccon sat for eight years). This was probably the biggest and most complex "return-to-life" of any character since good ol' Captain America was found frozen in a block of ice. However, at roughly the same time as all of this, a Jean Grey look-alike turned up, who eventually turned out to be a clone of Jean Grey, or some such nonsense, plus there was a daughter of Jean Grey from an alternate future ... I stopped reading comic books shortly after this.

2. WESLEY'S NEW SCIENCE PROJECT (I)

The Bloom County character "Bill The Cat" had died of terminal acne. The only part remaining of him was his tongue, found by the science-geek character Oliver. He cloned a new "Bill the Cat" from this tongue. (For those who aren't familiar with this series, all "Bill the Cat" would ever say was "Aack! Phsspt!" while his eyes bugged out, which is where that came from.) Of all the ways to resurrect Tasha, this is my favorite. I'd love to see Denise Crosby playing "Bill the Cat." It's also worth noting that the character of Oliver (Wendell Jones, I'm thinking?) is a dead ringer for Wesley. Both of their science projects always run amok. (Recall when Oliver sythesized hair-growth lotion for his dad from Bill's sweat? Now imagine Wesley doing this for Picard ... recall the side effects? Aack aack aack aack phsspt ...)

3. A WOMAN WITH SOUL

If you didn't get this one, you are definitely reading the wrong board. The bit about Kirk was added as a friendly jibe at those who continue to argue about Kirk's being remembered.

4. CHAOTIC SITUATION.

In the Amber books, multiple alternate realities exist (they are called "shadows.") One of the characters, Caine, appeared to be killed in The Sign of the Unicorn, but in The Courts of Chaos, it was revealed that Caine ambushed an alternate version of himself to provide the corpse. Since everyone thought he was dead, he could investigate the cause of Amber's troubles. As I recall, only two Star Trek books are told from the first person view ("Dreadnought!" and "Battlestations!"), and only one ST:TNG episode (sort of: Data's Day). ST:TOS had all kinds of monologues to reveal the character's thought (especially Kirk and his extended logs), which I kind of miss. An alternate-reality Tasha is probably what would happen.

5. A NIGHTMARE ON ENTERPRISE STREET

Data smiled when Tasha walked out of the shower. "I had this terrible dream that you were dead ..."

This is the only one which is "hear-say" for me, since I've never watched "Dallas." There are certain parts of the first and fourth seasons of ST:TNG which I would like to consider "bad dreams," however ...

6. NAMELESS I WALKED

Geordi = Gimli, who "has not the eyes of elves," Data = the long-lived elf Legolas, who understands men and their battles very little, and Riker = Aragorn, since both led the away-teams. Q = Saruman, Tasha = Gandalf, and Wesley and Troi = Merry and Pippin (the Wesley/Pippin connection is stronger, considering Pippin's "experiment" with the Palantir). The appropriate chapter is "The White Rider," where Gandalf returns from the dead after fighting the Balrog. My title refers to the fact that Gandalf walked about for a time "nameless" - he had to be reminded that he used to be called Gandalf. Note that Gandalf gets promoted from Grey to White, while Yar goes from ship's service yellows to command reds. Recall the Moonlighting where everything was in iambic pentameter? I'd crack up over a ST episode in courtly language ...

7. WESLEY'S NEW SCIENCE PROJECT (II)

The protagonist in Re-Animator tried to bring back people to life by injecting a liquid into them. Too much liquid and their bodily organs exploded, rather graphically. He tried it out on a friend's cat first after killing it, hence the reference to Data's cat. Unfortunately, revived people went crazy and were practically mindless. The movie ends with one of the characters injecting his dead girlfriend with the liquid (this time, it'll work). Fade to black, a SCREAM! (they always screamed during revival), end of movie. Judging from how many people feel about Wesley on this board, I felt his attitude as expressed in this parody would be appropriate ...

8. PARDON ME, BUT COULD I BORROW A LIGHT?

This one is rather obvious. Note this is rather similar to the suggestion by one poster that Worf would create an "advisory" Yar on the holodeck.

9. MY BLOODY VALENTINE

Nobody in the small Maine town of Jerusalem's Lot ever dies the final death ... this brings up the point the Tasha could come back as a villain. This bit was taken from the part of Salem's Lot where Ben's girlfriend tries to bite Mark.

10. THEY FIX EVERYTHING

Robocop is rather like a Borg, isn't he? Couldn't you just see it - Roboyar! Worf takes the position of Officer Lewis in this bit; appropriate, since Murphy, Lewis, Tasha, and Worf are all cops of one kind or another.