Don't let Worf play with a phaser

by Daniel Fox

Data:

The bad guys are firing at us.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, fire at will!

Worf whips out his phaser and vaporises Riker. Picard:

No, not Will Riker!

Worf kills Wesley.

Picard:

(Furious) Not Wil Wheaton, kill the alien!!

Worf blasts Deanna.

Picard:

(Fuming) Not her dammit, THE ROMULANS, KILL THE BLOODY ROMULANS!!!

Worf blows the Romulans out of the sky.

Picard:

(Under his breath) And they wonder why I never let him play with phasers ...

by Jessica Krucek

Alternatively ...

Sisko:

Fire phasers.

Worf breaks out phaser, shoots Bashir. The doctor falls and collapses.

Sisko:

NOT AT THE DOCTOR!!

Worf:

He was in the way, and being dishonourable.

Kira:

(Grumbles) You just have lousy aim ...

Worf points phaser at her.

Sisko:

Major, apologise this instant to the saviour of our station.

Kira gets down on her knees, about to cry.

Kira:

Oh, sorry ... Ah-choo ... I'm ... Ah-Choo ... pregnant and hormonal.

O'Brien:

Now to talk about the good old days on the Enterprise. Wasn't it great when the Borg attacked, Worf? You were the best, then.

Sisko:

But we're still under attack!

O'Brien:

Attack, Shamtack. We can't let the stupid Packleds out in the audience forget there's a new movie coming up. We're expendable.

Bashir opens his eyes.

Bashir:

I'm not stupid. I'm not expendable, and I'm not going.

Worf Fires at Bashir again. Bashir screams in agony and vaporises. Dax comes rushing in, wearing a low-cut outfit that had been painted on her. The paint is still wet as she throws her arms around him.

Dax:

Oh, sweetie, that was wonderful. You are the greatest. That shrimpy little doctor was smart, well-mannered, treated women with respect, and took responsibility for his actions. He wasn't a real man like you ...

She bats her eyelashes at him playfully and puts her head on his shoulder, smudging the paint on her new outfit. She would shriek if she wasn't making goo-goo eyes at her new sweetie-pie.

Kira:

Oh, PHULEEZE! Take it to your quarters.

Station shakes again as Dominion phasers take a huge chunk out of it. Odo comes rushing in.

Odo:

I'm human, so I don't know what to do! They're attacking. I think that nut over there is a Changeling!

Worf fires at a bolt, sending station floor cracking.

Odo:

And ... and that one over there!

Worf Fires again and station explodes.

Next Scene. Odo and Worf are in a shuttlecraft.

Odo:

Aren't we supposed to be dead?

Worf:

We are in a plot hole. Captain Picard hid out in a number of them during our last movie.

Odo:

Why did we survive?

Worf:

Because I am the star, and YOU are the gimmick. Come, I will take you to the Delta Quadrant through another plot hole.

Odo:

Why?

Worf:

There is a ship there called the Voyager. Now that you are human, I can teach you the finer points of invading someone else's series, such as invading relationships between other characters and conquering whatever might be between them by making the female yours. I have two kills to my record.

Odo:

So, what will be my job?

Worf:

I will assign you to the Captain. Her name is Janeway. While you step in between her and her Marquis commander, I'll take care of anything between the half-Klingon Engineer and that wimp at OPS ...